giving myself away
but a friend came up with "Fuckbeak" the other day, which is bloody hilarious.

For me it conjures up some sort of homosexual octopus, funny in itself really.
(Lannes, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:18, Reply)

bed.
Bloody hell it's ten in the morning! You're not normally out of your wanking chariot till atleast noon.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:13, Reply)

Subtle ones
From the newsletter:
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

Translation:
You might have thought it was funny, but it wasn't,
so fuck off and stop bothering us you humourless twat.
(SpittyWoonerism, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:05, Reply)

K2k6
Well, as they also slagged off Scotland and Ireland in the process, I thought it would be Britain that got annoyed...

(I gotta say, though, they were dead on with Hugh Grant and Sting. And the bit about "Candle In The Wind" ties in nicely with the current image challenge!)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Less an insult, more just offensive
wheelchair = 'spastic chariot'
(Ryuken-Kai, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:00, Reply)

Best......Insult......EVER!
www.inbedwithmedinner.com/Bananaqueer.html



Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you......'Banana Queer'

Edit: It's work safe BTW.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:58, Reply)

From the Podge and Rodge show
Feck you, ya knob-dangling, hooring smelt monger

(Irish TV - yes we've learned how to swear now)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoafkgpxmJQ&mode=related&search=
(CuntyBumface was last caught masturbating by granny on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:50, Reply)

"Stupid fucking twat face gonk."
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:44, Reply)

TRL
I doubt we'll be bothering to bomb a country whose bloggers have such a tenuous grasp of reality as that guy.

"The British haven't invented anything since WWII"

*ironic lol* He's using the internet. That was a Brit.

Sure, none of his points are necessarily wrong, although they are all a matter of opinion.

"We think Britain should be kicked out of the G8 summit because although they are one of the 8 largest economies on Earth, we don't like marmite! LOL!"
( Kroney, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:38, Reply)

Excuse me Mr Resident Loon
but I'm afraid you've made a common error in your post below in using England and Britain to mean the same thing.

We Scots actually find that quite insulting.

So you're inadvertently more on topic than you realised!

Meh :-)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:36, Reply)

Question

That's what I like about you.

Nothing.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:31, Reply)

Working in an all-female office
I once worked in an office where I was the only bloke. I actually quite enjoyed it.

One day, one of the women shouted across the office at me "Oi! Steve The Monkey! Do you know why men can't get BSE? Because they're all pigs!".

That got a few titters from the others (I thought it was quite good myself).

That's when I shouted back "It's just as while I can't get it - one mad cow in the office is quite enough".

Guffaws all round. One red-faced lady squirming in her seat, trying to hide under her desk...
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:29, Reply)

c(unt)-swab
is always nice
the insult on this tee is lovely too..
www.sillyprat.com/fcktshirts.htm
(kola, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:25, Reply)

And now for a word from Russia...
I think you'll agree, this goes well beyond taking the piss. This is seriously beating the piss out of England! www.exile.ru/articles/detail.php?ARTICLE_ID=8231&IBLOCK_ID=35

*sits back and waits for news that Britain has bombed Russia*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:24, Reply)

Paris Hilton
A blog on the Guardian website lays into brainless bimbo quite satisfactorily and no doubt ensures she won't receiving a Christmas card off the heiress and queen media whore. Enjoy:

The obscenely useless Paris Hilton simpered and whined her way through a torturous (for her) David Letterman interview this week, nervously waggling her leg and pouting at him when he persisted, quite rightly, in repeatedly prodding her for insights into her jail experience.
"Insights" might be rather far beyond the capabilities of young Hilton, who is only there to talk about her perfume (which Letterman sprays onto his tongue) and some nauseating cameo role in no-doubt straight-to-DVD film project. She seemed to describe it as a "whore" film, but I think that critical first syllable of "horror" must have been lost in the valley-girl translation.
Hilton is absolutely beyond merit in every conceivable way and, to anyone that finds her very existence offensive, it is a delight to watch her squirm like a slug under salt, nervously flicking a warning look to her PR off-camera, twitching in her seat and taking deep breaths like she's enduring some horrific job interview.
I suppose she is in a way: this is the fame job you applied for, Miss Hilton? You got it.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:20, Reply)

I like this one from Dodgeball . . .
"Cram it up ya cram-hole!" Also, there is a story about a guy that works for the same company as me, at the southampton site - apparently he used to get called Foetus Face!!
(clive_pounds, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:18, Reply)

Faster Pussycat
Our favourite for quite some time was "Eat a bag of shit. Eat a FULL bag of shit".

The emphasis is entirely necessary.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:17, Reply)

When I was at school
Some kid shouted at me,

"Come 'ere now you prick, im gonna chin yer all over."
( FreudianSlap, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:15, Reply)

Welsh Insult?
In my first job (many years ago), one of the senior programmers was a crazy welsh guy. Whenever the mainframe computer was being uncooperative, he would yell out "you black enamel bastard!"

I never understood why black enamel was particularly insulting....
(Maclir, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:13, Reply)

The only word surviving into modern times from the Old Norse dialect spoken by the medieval Norse Greenlanders:


Skraeling

It means barbarian.

I keep meaning to use it as an insult.

.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:12, Reply)

To start - please excuse my Portugese.
I lived in a house about five years ago with 12 Brazillians (I was their boss at a nightclub I worked at), and as you do, enlisted them to teach me as many profanities in Portugese as possible.
Some of these included: -

Cala Boca (shut up),

Fila fa puta (son of a bitch) and

Vi tu manicoo (Drink your own ass).

I always did think that the last one was a little strange, but apparently it was similar to the C word in our language.
I've spent the last 5 years trying to impress every Brazillian/Portugese person I met with my rather rude dialect, all of whom pissed them selves laughing once I had finished my repitoire, and me being me, loved the attention.
Anyway.
After meeting a Scallie who is fluent in Protugese/Spanish/Otalian/German, I tried out my foreign tongue. He preceded to wet himself with excitement, then tell me that I had infact been calling myself a gay boy for 5 long years.
If I ever find the twonk who taught me Vi tu manicoo, I shall make him drink his own ass.
(Stevezapp ...hard and fast, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:12, Reply)

Just ten Minutes ago
One of My best Mates Kym E-Mailed me a story in which she states:

'they looked at me like I was some kind of Glowing Paedophile'

I fecking love that Girl...
( Spenface ALWAYS hangs in the Buffalo Stance, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:11, Reply)

sisters
I have two younger sisters, there's 2 years between me and the middle one and 5 between me and the youngest one.

A group of sisters, probably more than 2, will come up with the worst and funniest insults in order to outwit eachother at every occasion.
Since I flew the coop a couple of years ago, there aren't so many fist fights or screaming matches anymore but insults still get bandied around, often via phone or text.

Often, the most harmless insult is "Hey ugly" when I answer the phone.

Once I picked up the phone to middle sister and she called me an 'Ass-hat' (the american way of saying arse sounds so much better for this one) which remains my fave insult ever. (I tried to come back with 'Ass-jacket' but it didn't have the same effect).

The youngest sister (prone to tender teenage emotions and mood-swings) will often call the other sister 'A fucking selfish, stupid, ugly fat cow - IHATEYOUUUU!'.

I'm rubbish at insults. As the eldest I have to show that I'm above their petty bickering and just give them a good slap to show them who's boss (they're both bigger than me now, so I can't do this anymore!)

But 'ass-hat' still wins.
(saf, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:07, Reply)

Oscar Wilde
came up with a shitload of worthy insults.

Most of them can be found here

While Wilde's repertoire is witty and pithy, some of his insults also leave a lasting impression. I prefer this kind of insult as it eats away at the victim, destroying them from the inside out. Something like

"I couldn't possibly care less if you live or die"

which literally implies that out of all the petty, trivial things in the world, every single one of them is of far greater importance than this person's life. Brutal!
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 16:04, Reply)

60's Jewish Insult
My mother told me about this one.
She grew up in Toronto and went to an all Jewish school. Some of the too rich too bored kids (circa 1960) registered a new phone number with the name - Gae Kochen Pissen Offen Yom (no idea about the spelling but pronunciation is bang on).
This apparently translates to - Go Shit and Piss in the Sea.

Hilarious.
(LordMurder, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:55, Reply)

too lazy to check thru
Apols if already done.

A pal of mine referred to his time with a *cough* 'slack lady', as 'like sticking your cock out the window and fucking the night'.

Strangely poetic, I felt.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:51, Reply)

A movie quote...
[typing a message on an internet chat room]

All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:44, Reply)

You are all a shower of...
tinsel eaters.

Tell ya, this has been the best QOTW in ages. (Given that I don't normally post unless I've got something true to say!)
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:43, Reply)

I have two favourites
"The only reason you weren't abused as a child is because you're so fucking ugly."
and
"I'm going to rape you in the urethra with a rusty shovel."
( Cap'n Tallbeard, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:42, Reply)