I once called this minger at the pub
a slimey gross yeast infection.

she was getting all up in my grill so that took her down a peg or two.
(Sammyj, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 5:11, Reply)

another true lame insult that my brother was the 'victim' of:
"go do a piss on your bum."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 5:04, Reply)

Reputed Arabian Insult
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
(PatronSaintOfPancakeBreakfasts, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 4:51, Reply)

Spanish
Spanish is a great language for insults. Most of them involve shit and mothers. Oh, and slags.
A few examples:
"Me cago en tu puta madre" - I shit on your bitch (or slag) mother
"Me cago en la puta" - I shit on the whore
"Puta madre de mierda" - shitty bitch whore mother
"Me cago en ti/el/ellos" I shit on you/him/them

And my favourite (because it´s the spanish equivalent of saying "Cunt" almost):

"Me cago en tus muertos" - I shit on your dead (family)
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 4:35, Reply)

Bambi...
My mates can still wind me up just by mentioning the word Bambi. Want to know why? It goes back to the mid-eighties in Manchester.

We were on an all-day bender back in the days before all-day opening and we had a couple of hours to kill between the pubs shutting for after the lunchtime trade and them opening again at 5.30. So we decided to go to the cinema to snooze a couple of beer-fuelled hours away.

When we got to the local flea-pit they were showing Bambi. Now, as a kid, I'd never seen Bambi. Don't know why, I'd just missed it. So we decided to go and watch/sleep-through that. We paid for hour tickets and settled in and.... I was entranced. I got completely caught up in the cuteness and the fluff and was spellbound. So much so that I forgot where I was.

Now can you remember the part in Bambi where he's trapped in a forest fire? Poor Bambi was looking wildly left and right and left and right. He looked terrified. He just didn't know what to do and the fire was getting closer and closer.

I was on the edge of my seat. I was panicking because poor, brave Bambi was in danger. So I jumped to my feet and bellowed:

"RUN, BAMBI, RUN!!!"

And 200 cinema goers pissed themselves laughing.

I've never lived that down and mates today still take the piss by calling me Bambi....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 4:09, Reply)

For all you Fuglys out there
We were standing in the pub, pretty pissed, discussing a girl we all knew who wasn't the best-looking. My mate comes out with the immortal line (imagine it said in a Scottish accent):

"Aye, she's a pure mutant, man!"

After pissing ourselves, we christened her 'X-men girl.' She never did figure out why.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 4:06, Reply)

not so much of an insult
but it really freaks boys out when you yell

"suck my dick!"

at them.
(loki lie smith kiss me til I'm in a coma, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 4:04, Reply)

Hatchet face
Hatchet face is my absolute favorite insult. I know this girl who has scars all over her face from acne in high school and she is a fucking bitch that I cannot stand and one night I was defending my friends honor, as you do, and I simply called her a hatchet face bitch. She doesn't even look in my direction anymore. Shame she is actually a pretty girl but with an attitude like hers you turn into the ugliest of all mongrols. Hatchet face bitch.
( Lisette von Falcon, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 4:03, Reply)

You've got a face like a hatful of smashed arseholes.
Or, a face like a twisted sandshoe.

Or, a face like a dropped pie.
( Silent5, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 3:57, Reply)

If you say it under your breath
_{"Gay retard says what?"}
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 3:48, Reply)

Another favourite
If you're stuck talking to some ugly bird:

"If I throw a stick will you fuck off?"

Never tried it - I'm not fond of getting slapped
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 3:44, Reply)

Andy Goram
.
Andy Goram was a Scottish goalkeeper playing for Glasgow Rangers a few years back when he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Of course, opposing fans jumped on this and, every time he played there would be chants of:

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams...."

Class.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 3:44, Reply)

Well, there's always
"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 3:43, Reply)

Various ones I hear at school
Well some of my favourites include
- Fucktard
- Smacktard
- Homophobic Chauvinist Male Prick! {yay for my mother :) }

a funny story from school.

A girl in my maths class absolutely hates me because I'm way smarter then she'll ever be (sounds up myself, but its true, she has a lower IQ then a sheep, and that's saying something!)
And so, because I have lovely long curly hair, she decided that the name "Frizzy Lizzie" (From Ms Frizzle from Magic School Bus, my name is not Lizzie, so she was already failing to insult me) would be perfect for me.
This continued for several weeks, and in the end she ended up getting the whole class to call me it.
One day I just asked her if I could say something.
Me: You know something girls?
Girls: yeah what?
Me: The fact that you cannot come up with any other insult really shows how incredibly stupid you really are. Its no wonder you all fail this class.


Cue a long silence. Then they all turned away and started doing work and asking for help from the teacher.

Oh how I shut them down. :D


Oh, and I call my brother a Dickhead arsehole idiot with regularity.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 6 Oct 2007, 3:34, Reply)

not mine but amusing
"If your brains were gunpowder you wouldn't even have enough to blow your nose"

I was on the receiving end of this as a kid

"you're not very hampsome" I almost wet myself laughing.

And due to the Scottsman working in my office, we now refer to each other as "ya cuntoh" and that includes the women.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 3:30, Reply)

insult
One of my personal favourites, "You've got a face like a relief map of Switzerland!"
(hixy, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 2:14, Reply)

for no reason at all...

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 1:25, Reply)

"Dicksplash"
is my personal fave
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Sat 6 Oct 2007, 1:22, Reply)

over msn with the boyfriend
me: what the hell is wrong with me tonight?
him: YOU'RE SILLY
me: WELL YOU'RE A TWAT

I have no idea where it came from.
(lei, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 1:17, Reply)

This is indeed the QOTWOTY!
Further to the tasteless cancer jibe. I used to receive many telemarketing calls in the evening, and would vent my annoyance by calmly explaining that I wished that the caller would die of cancer, then hanging up. I figured that this was OK to say, as it was offensive, and satisfying, and could not be construed as a threat.

Then I registered with the telephone preference service (TPS) and the calls mostly stopped. But one evening the phone rang and a telemarketer launched into a spiel about donating money for some cause. I was about to deliver my line when something that the woman had said filtered into my brain.

I realised that a Marie Curie Cancer Care charity worker was probably the wrong person to wish a death from cancer. So I bit my tongue, choked out a "not interested" and hung up.
(d5ve, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 0:57, Reply)

being female
i like to yell "suck my dick you fuck" to anyone who pisses me off.









Length? it's in your mouth, you tell me.
(hippyjunkiescum, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 0:51, Reply)

Personel fave
Fuck you and everything you've ever fucking stood for!

Dunno if I heard is somewhere or just made it up, but I think it has a certian impact to it

fd
(fragile dog, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 0:27, Reply)

Oh, another
Kid1: You're a fucking idiot
Kid2: Yeah, well, YOUR MAM'S NOT A VIRGIN!
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 0:18, Reply)

There's a few
One person told me my natural hair colour wasn't red. From somebody who'd obviously been Tango'd.

I told my housemate back in Boro I was just popping to the loo. He replied "FUCKS SAKE! I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT YOUR ANGRY BEAVER IN THE PAN!"

I get the usual jokes about my appearance. But "speccy" is the best. 'no shit? I'm bespectacled? WHY GOD WHY?'
I don't think they realise I go into the opticians myself or something..
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 0:01, Reply)

Arab insults
Surpirsingly, arabs can come out with some of the most imaginitive insults I've ever heard...

Driving in Oman. Arab twunt runs into the back of our Landrover at a red light. 'Course, it's an old military Defender, so arab's toyota takes the brunt of the damage. But we get out to have a looksee anyway.

Arab bloke takes a look at the front of his crumpled Toyota, but realises it's his fault and there's nothing he can do about it. So in the spirit of international friendship he spits on the ground in front of me and yells something in arabic on the way back to his car.

Me to our arab guide back in the landrover:

"what did he say just then?"

arab translator (in broken english):

"he say...er... your mother is a goat and...er....nobody quite sure who your father is"

Hmmm....good one. I imagine it lost some of the impact in translation.
(evilbert has his nob out under the desk., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:59, Reply)

College
Was standing outside the main entrance at college a few years ago with my mate having a quick smoke when two boys from the foundation (moron) course walk past suddenly followed by a third rem who shouts "Wait for me you buckets of quimshit"

Almost choked on my smoke... guess you had to be there
(Lovefist233 Bothering Sheep since..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:57, Reply)

Cycling to work many years ago.....
... brave kid of about 9 or there abouts, who knew that the words were naughty but didn't understand the contexts within which they were supposed to be used individually, called me a, "BUGGER FUCK TIT BUM!", then ran off feeling rather smug with his outpouring of offensiveness.

I almost fell off my bike laughing.

My pesonal fave for venting sheer impotent rage at someone is thus:
"Go fuck some shit up your twat you diesel powered cunt rocket!"

Or just resort to calling them a cleft.

A mate in work and I like to trade rubbish insults with each other and one day he had me in stitches after he tried to call me codpiece face but it came out as cock piss face. Oh how we laughed. And then I stabbed him. Hard. In the face. Now who's in stitches, eh?
What a plum!
( Yamon Benny Harvey. RIP., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:40, Reply)

From a magazine
I was in a pub in Bristol this evening flicking through a free mag waiting for the rugby to start. I flick through to the back page and there's an interview with some bloke in a club. The last question is "what's your favourite insult?" His answer: Doom Bison.
( CowJam, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:35, Reply)

Stolen from various.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.

I bet her fanny tastes like a 9 volt battery.

Bumraper.

Roaring purple vagina.
(McCretin, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:28, Reply)