An All in One Remote control with
... wait for it...

A proximity alarm that activates after 2 minutes of idle time...

How often do you lose your remote and then spend 15 minutes looking for the bloody thing?
(Nefarious Tim, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 11:13, Reply)

i hav often wondered
if there was a machine that unwraps refresher bars cuz they are sticky an usually the wrapper sticks to the bar an i cant get it off so i hav to eat bits of the wrapper aswell
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 11:02, Reply)

Square sausages
Sausages that aren't round, requiring you to chase them around the grill/pan and leading to a disparity in the amount of sausage area cooked.

Square profile sausages would cure this in an instant
(driverchris, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:54, Reply)

The electroshock alarm bed ...
The idea is simple, the bed gives you a light buzz 15 minutes before your set time.
5 Minutes later you get a stronger buzz, then 2 minutes later a stronger buzz. 1 minute later a stronger buzz, then 30 seconds, stronger still. Then for the remaining 6 and a half minutes you get a shock every 10 seconds, which is enough to give you a tiny spazz.

Dont think it would sell to well for some reason, although someone as lazy as me may need something like this.
(FortyFour, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:53, Reply)

Stairlift/portaloo hybrid
If you fitted a portaloo to a stairlift then you could take a dump whilst gliding slowly upstairs , a real boon to the elderly/incontinent. Extra features could involve fitting soft brushes etc the length of the stairs enabling you to wipe as you glide gently back down.
(Bringing Sarcasm To The Masses (Valis), Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:49, Reply)

Coffee bags...
They exist! Bought some years ago, and they tasted disgusting - didn't finish the packet. They now seem to be exported to expats who are homesick for Beanfeasts and the like:
www.britstore.co.uk/itm01540.htm

And my invention - a remote control with a thing that responds to your whistles like those key fobs. Lost the zapper - whistle and it beeps for you...
( randompunter, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:43, Reply)

multi-speed revolving bed
To counteract the barf-inducing sensation of your bedroom spinning when you've got yourself all pissed up on booze.

The tricky part is making sure the bed spins in the opposition direction to the room, otherwise things could get very messy.

*Edit*
Err.. hang on, have I got that right? Or does the bed actually need to spin in unison with the room? Oh, who cares, I'll leave it for the boffins to iron out those technical details.
( Biffins Bridge, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:37, Reply)

Well it might save on your car insurance premiums...
Prescription windscreen and windows on your car so you could drive even if you forgot your glasses?
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:32, Reply)

Just a few..
Sunglasses that appear like shades from outside, but still let light through, so you can look cool in the dark and still see properly.

Video screens which give a slightly different picture if viewed at different angles(kinda like those rulers u got as kids), so at festivals no matter how far back you are band's images on this can appear in sync to the sound.

Open topped trains.

I've got better ones but don't want them gettin ripped off by yous.
(Captain Decibel, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:29, Reply)

coffee bags
like tea bags but with "proper" coffee in them. if you like it strong, just use two!

P.S. as i know nothing about coffee (can't stand the stuff) i have no idea what i'm talking about... hmmmmm
( piss j bungle Board sick, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:24, Reply)

LazyPlates (tm) for students*
These are plastic plates, coated with many thousands off strong, transparent, peel off layers. Simply eat of the plate as usual (the plastic is strong enough to withstand knife cuts) and when you're done, whip off a layer and bin it! Bingo, no washing up to do!

After you've peeled off all the layers, stick on a refill pack, or bin the plate!

*Inspired by an extremely lazy dickranger in halls who would cover every item he used in cooking/eating with foil (yes, even the knife and fork) so he didnt have to wash up. Oh and when he smiled he looked liked a paedophile.
(idlemind, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:20, Reply)

Oh don't get me on this one
When I die, I'm leaving all my money (both pound coins) to set up an Institute for Clever Ideas.

Firstly, they will embark on a solution for used pistachio nut shells. You always get a big pile of them at the end of the nut session, so something needs to be doen to find a use for them. I thought we could try making funny suits of armour from them (thy're really hard) or perhaps a wonderful new kind of road surface.

The there's the self-cooling rucksack. You know you've got a heavy backpack on and it's a sunny day? Sweaty back! Well how about a rucksack that has cooling pipes in like a fridge that draw all the heat away? It could be integrated into some kind of cool shirt.

And a device that allows you to drink tea sat in a cup on the bedside table in bed without having to lift you head off the pillow. Mrs GrooveGenerator suggests this is called a "straw" but I know not of such an invention.
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:18, Reply)

quick release window panes
for easy cleaning, just pop em out and stick em in the washing machine, job done!
i've not worked out the anti-burgler aspect yet, maybe some kinda electric snake?
( piss j bungle Board sick, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:17, Reply)

Karaoke steering wheel
In reply to the drum kit on the steering wheel, I always thought it would be neat to have a microphone embedded into a car steering wheel, maybe with a screen with the scrolling words and the little dot that shows you what to sing when. Sound comes through your existing cd player. And a little button to give a round of applause at the end.
(Serendipity Long time, No see., Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:14, Reply)

Chickens that lay hand grenades
you feed them nitro glycerine and theis becomes impregnated into the eggs that they lay, thus creating hand grenades.
Chcikens will become a vital part of every infantary unit

but you'd better make sure your soldiers don't go hungry and want some drumsticks

ps: the "bowel stimulator" exists, I didn't invent it but I am currently trying to build a portable version, Ninja science RULES!!!
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:12, Reply)

Atomic watches
Well... not really atomic as such, rather that they take a pulse signal from the atomic clock.

They would only require a battery, a receiver and a display and could be sold to the Armed forces and Services, who would never need to 'synchronise watches' again.

I can't believe that these haven't already been invented, as my Dad has a clock like it that makes different bird noises on the hour. Humans eh! What are we like?
( Micro Prawnvica, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:12, Reply)

Self opening doors
I often struggle when attempting to open heavy doors (due to being pathetically weak) and when mashed one day thought wouldn't it be great if someone invented doors that opened for you. Thinking this was a good idea I promptly told my friends, and was suprised at there reaction-fits of laughter. I only realised why they found my suggestion so amusing when one of them informed me that alas I was too late, such an invention already existed-automatic doors. Doh!
(moohaa, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:08, Reply)

..
A really portable computer, that could fit in a ring. I made some sketches even :P

oh, and that parallel parking car thingie, it was invented in the 1930's, I saw it in Ripley's once.
(Mondlicht, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:06, Reply)

Biscuits that, for the purpose of dunking, always break perfectly in half.
It really really annoys me when I attempt to break a biscuit in half to dunk in my tea and it shatters into a thousand pieces and fills my keyboard with crumbs. Why not have ones with a ridge down the middle like an asprin so that it'll always break perfectly in half with minimum crummage.
(Mr. Partyhat, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 10:01, Reply)

mostly done
nearly all the inventions i have created have already been made. someone said something about sel;f lighting cigarettes? i made some 2 years ago and theyu were a success. i even wrote to B & H, but got nothing back :(

other inventions include biological hair removers, little micro-organisms that eat hair, and other crap invented while drunk.
(Billy no mates, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 9:52, Reply)

Being a woman, I'm obviously shite at parallel parking,
so I would dearly love a car whose wheels rotated 90 degrees. Pull up adjacent to your desired spot, press the 90 degree wheel button, the wheels turn but the car remains in the same place, and in you slide. Fecking Genius if you ask me.
( Scary Mary The D'oh Fairy, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 9:46, Reply)

Nuclear Wombles
Womble eggs are injected with special radioactive waste and then left in prime locations (such as Iraq, Libya or France)

The Womblings hatch and scurry silently around, Wombling free - making the most of the things that they find, things that most everyday folk leave behind.

Then, when there's a war, a special walky talky owned by President Bush is pressed and the nuclear Wombles explode, killing millions of innocent people and bringing peace to this fair world once more.

I'd imagine there would be a resistance movement, but they would have to remain underground, overground.
(ccc, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 9:31, Reply)

Margarine-stick.
Like a pritt-stick, but full of margarine.

So if you're too lazy to get a knife and faff around with the tub, you can still have margarine on your sandwich.

Also, it would be ideal for packed lunches.
Maybe Flora could jump on the dairylea bandwagon, and sell "Flora Lunchables" containing bread, fillings, and a "margarine-stick"
(snitchell, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 9:24, Reply)

bowel stimulator
anyway we were chatting about inventions and stuff and he said he was trying to patent an idea he had for a police weapon: Its a thingy that transmits a radio-frequency exactly that stimulates the bowels, causing them to churn violently and rendering the criminal useless as they crumple in a heap of their own shit.

haha
(foxdaniel, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 9:19, Reply)

It's like a microwave,
but it cools things down instead of heating them up. You could make ice cubes in 30 seconds.

It'd be great, no really.
( bowdie, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 9:13, Reply)

FAO: Quim Leak
Last year I saw cheese lollies in a supermarket, they came in plain & strawberry flavour, who knows they might have made a chocolate flavour as well?

DJMoody
(DJMoody, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 9:12, Reply)

GM "Stealth" Spuds
I know that the boffins have already genetically modified vegetables so that they are resistant to diseases or whatever, but this idea involves the modification of horrible vegetables that nobody wants to eat to make them look and taste exactly like potato, whilst retaining all the vitamins and what have you of the source plant.

Once this holy grail has been achieved, these ‘good for you’ vegetables can be cooked just like King Edwards and everybody will be happier and healthier. Especially kids;

BroccaChips – The look and taste like chips; but they’re made of Broccoli.

CauliSmash – With all the creamy goodness of Smash® but actually cauliflower.

Mrs. Beeton’s Roast PotSnips – Just like roast potatoes, but actually parsnips.


Do you see?
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 9:07, Reply)

I always wanted
Some kind of system that turns on my cd player, computer, coffee machine etc etc in the morning, since i'm too lazy to get up and move the two feet from my bed to my desk. Woe, woe and thrice woe.

in reply to the Electronic Tags, they sell at gadget shop for about a tenner.
(ibehappy, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 8:55, Reply)

DashboardDrums(TM)
Small electronic drum pads for mounting at convenient reach in the vicinity of your steering wheel. Ideal for beating out the giddy rhythms of the rumba or cha-cha-cha while waiting for the lights to change. With optional "TrafficJam" (TM) MIDI-over-Bluetooth pack (sold separately), play along with fellow DashboardDrum owners when stuck in those clockwise-M25 weekday afternoon queues and turn otherwise tedious gridlock into something approaching a Santana concert.
( drdavej, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 8:34, Reply)

During an English class at school
we were asked to come up with some inventions. I came up with the Dark Bulb which, when installed in a conventional light fitting or torch would plunge an area into complete darkness. The teacher did ask me about the benefits of such a device, to which I replied "probably nothing, but wouldn't it be cool?". She disagreed, but it was better than her self-drying clothes revelation (she'd obviously watched Back To The Future II the night before).
(cursor2000 No human would stack books like this, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 8:34, Reply)