Sperm
why can't I have some pleasurable private moments without making such such a mess, what the fuck is it for?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 5 Apr 2011, 18:36, 14 replies)

My first B3ta post. Wish me luck.
The disappearance of the word "those".

"Do you see them people?"
"You mean THOSE people?"
"Yeah, them people."
"No. THOSE people."
"What you on about, ya dick? Them people over there."
"(Sigh) Yes. THOSE people. I see them."

---

"I don't like them crisps."

---

Please bring back the word "those".
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 18:24, 11 replies)

In "your" M&S a while ago....
"nice serving you today". Twats.
(Haywood Manley, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 18:16, Reply)

'That's sick mate'
Fuck off.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 17:45, 3 replies)

Argh!
Just remembered this one.

The phrase "The point being is...."

No, no, no, no, NO!

"The point is..." or "The point being that..."

Not too irrational I suppose since it is just plain wrong!
(flimflam_machine, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 17:31, 1 reply)

Layout of women's clothes shops
Christ almighty, trolling round after Mrs TitanLX looking at every flaming item in the store. Why can't they put all the tops in one place and trousers in another? The men’s department seem to manage it.

Also if a woman buys something without trying it on first it should be illegal to return the item.
(TitanLX, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 17:24, 10 replies)

Richard E Grant
'Withnail and I'......
(TROLLING AWAY living under a post ironic bridge, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 17:07, Reply)

Serrated edges .... gahhh!
I've read on here people not liking cotton wool and other inocuous substances. I totally sympathise. Mine is serrated edges. Absolutely HATE them. Guitar strings, edges of coins and certain bottle tops, anything that has a serrated edge has me running away from it as fast as possible. Writing this I have an uncomfortable shiver going down my spine and every hair is trying to crawl out of my skin.

Got the limited Inception triple play edition a couple of weeks ago, the one in the fancy alumininium box. The disc box is in its own sleeve with one of those 3Dey photos on the front. Serrated. I couldn't even pick it up. If I was to be tortured, all my interrogator would have to do is run his fingernail around a 10p coin, or just threaten to, and I would sell out my own mother.

Hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it!

A friend of mine still thinks it's a laugh to taunt me with a serrated edge. But then I found out that he hates cotton wool. I put a cotton bud in my mouth once to moisten the tip and found that it has the same effect... Result.

And I HATE Ricky Gervais too. Absolutely cannot stand the fat, smug, unfunny, self-agrandising, grinny Essex fucker. His comedy show is currently being advertised on the tellybox. I have to press the mute button because listening to him laugh at his own jokes makes me want to rip out my own ears.
(Ghostlight, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 17:04, 5 replies)

People who award medals and badges to dogs.
It's a dog. What the fuck does a dog want with a medal?
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 17:00, 5 replies)

Haytch
I get irrationaly angry when people pronounce the letter H as haytch instead of aitch. *sigh* I'm never gonna get laid.
(TimMinchin123, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:50, 5 replies)

Turning round
Some people when relating a dialogue they had earlier will say it thus:

"So I turned round to him and said something or other. And then he turned round to me and replied something else. Then John came in looking pissed off, and he turned round and said something different. So I turned round and told him to fuck off"

Were you all really turning round all the time? No.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:48, 6 replies)

Oasis.......
need I say moar
(TROLLING AWAY living under a post ironic bridge, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:45, 6 replies)

Zebras are arseholes!
I was on a safari in Southern Africa about nine years ago. Had embarked on a foot safari after been told a few terrifying bits of advice beforehand, such as:

1. If you see an elephant charge at you, run with the wind
2. If you see a buffalo, climb up a tree
3. If you see a lion (or T-Rex), stay perfectly still

So, after a largely uneventful day of safari, having spotted a few dull antelope types and not much else, we came across a field of zebras. About 40 of the fuckers.

I had previously thought of the zebra as a beautiful, majestic creature, and they were always great craic in the cartoons.

Not these guys. These guys were arseholes. It wasn't that they did anything, it was the look they gave us. Was the kind of arseholey, lingering "I'm watchin' you, cunt!" look the Tesco security guard gives you when you're drunkenly stumbling around the aisles at 4am on a Friday night, demanding that your smoked salmon and jelly bean craving be satisfied. You know the look.

Their heads turned and followed us until we left the field. Ice-cold looks on an otherwise hot day. I still feel their chill when I think of them.

Ever since I've hated all zebras; ignoring any sound reasoning that they might have for their suspicion. Poaching and human destruction of their habitat are not not good enough reasons in my book. Zebras are arseholes! FACT
(El_diablo_blanco, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:35, 4 replies)

Lots of posts about airports reminded me...
Those fucking wheelie bag things. Turns a person carrying a bag into a fucking juggernaut complete with trailer.

Here's my game: let one just run over your foot, and flip it over as it does :)

Extra point if you make it collide with others...
( snee held his breath since, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:26, 2 replies)

Short, angry blokes
Who, because they are undoubtedly self-conscious feel the need to make fun of tall people and prove that they are real men.

Fuck off you short-tempered little hobbit cunts.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:19, Reply)

Keyboard manufacturers
Who put the windows key right next to the shift / CTRL / ALT key, which means whenever you're trying to play a game you end up tapping that button by mistake, you end up on the main windows screen, inevitably causing mayhem as you fumble to regain control of your computer game, only to log back in to find your character is dead and so is your party that you were supposed to be healing.

I have since removed the windows key with the sharp end of a dart.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:17, 9 replies)

People that wear clothes with Soviet symbols on them.
I just want to grab them and shake them.
( WormuIus, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:11, 5 replies)

Pedestrians
I don't know how irrational this really is given that some of these things are genuinely annoying, but my level of annoyance is probably irrational given the right of everyone to use the pavement and in complete contrast to my usual easy-going attitude. So here goes...

When walking through a busy city at rush hour why do people give no thought whatsoever to how they walk and where they stand?! For these hectic couple of hours the pavements essentially become highways for tired and stressed people to get home to their families and/or a cold beer. So follow these simple rules:

1: If the pavement is 2-people wide, don't walk in the sodding middle of it. Leave a gap on one side for people to overtake or to walk past you in the opposite direction.

2: Walk *along* the pavement, don't walk on some random diagonal which slowly moves you from one side of the pavement to the other. This particularly pisses me off as it means that I think I can overtake you on one side and then suddenly there's not enough space to get by.

3: Don't suddenly stop to get your phone out/look in a shop/tie your shoelace without checking that no-one behind you is going to walk into you.

4: Don't walk 4 abreast towards me in the expectation that I will step into the gutter/traffic just so that you can carry on with your inane conversation with your friends.

5: If you have the choice, walk on the left. That way, the person who may have to step into the traffic is facing the oncoming traffic and can see whether it is safe to do so.

6: If you are standing waiting for a bus/friend/epiphany/whatever take a second to think about where people seem to want to walk and then stand somewhere else. Particularly if you are a member of a group of bum-fluff-moustached French school kids, consider that you (as a group) are blocking the entire fucking pavement!

7: You may love your wheelybag, to everyone else it is a device specifically designed to trip them over and/or whack them in the shins. So get it out of the way. What's that? I've kicked your bag... why don't I look where I'm going? I was you twat! Where I'm going is 50 yards over there not 1ft in front of me at knee height.

8: Don't stop at the top of an escalator to get your bearings or adjust your grip on your wheelybag or I will walk into/over you to avoid getting trampled by the people behind me.

9: If you don't know where you're going, take a moment before stepping out of the door to find out or step to the side of the pavement to look at your map. Sightseeing's lovely, but 5:30pm on a Tuesday at the busiest intersection in the city is probably not the best time and place to do it.

10: (The Golden Rule) There is always someone who wants to walk faster than you, consider how you might be holding them up.

Apologies for length/bindunness etc.
(flimflam_machine, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:11, 9 replies)

It's bad for you.
To get to my first ever office job I used to catch a train.
On the whole I didn't mind this. The services were frequent and mostly punctual, and it gave me an hour or so a day to sit quietly and read. Unfortunately though, my peace of mind was punctured daily by the presence of other commuters. Like me, they were quiet and slightly rushed people, probably on their way to work. I never spoke a word to any of them. Never knew their names or what they did. Their only crime was to be seen by me every day.

Each morning, filled with renewed loathing for my fellow passengers, I'd scowl at their faces over the top of my book, inventing ludicrous back stories and tortured futures for these hapless bastards. There was Larry Big Arse, whose hyper-extended buttocks in their overly tight black slacks always made me think of a homosexual Matt Damon. "Get a fucking stairmaster, Larry, go jogging for FUCKS sake" I'd silently growl as he waddled along the carriage, past Sally Erection with her ubiquitous umbrella and perfect tits. "It's not raining, you handsome fuck," I'd sob to myself between gritted teeth. "Why, just once, can't you leave the fucking thing at home? Just once?" I had visions of confronting her. "It's JULY you dross bint! It hasn't rained in weeks! FUCK OFF!"

Then there was my arch nemesis, Corned Beef Graham. Earphones and a ginger goatee hanging from his stupid long fucking face. I don't know what music he listened to, but I'll bet I fucking hated it. His posture seemed designed purely to enrage me, a perfectly straight back with his oblong head flopping forward to absorb whatever wankish magazine was sat on his fucking lap. "I bet he goes home every night and eats corned beef fucking sandwiches," I fumed. "Fucking corned beef, corned beef, corned beef in fucking everything. Daft fucking corned beef eating cunt."
I would have paid handsomely to see Corned Beef Graham fall over in public, just so I could ignore his pathetic requests for assistance. He didn't know how intently I watched him, just waiting for him to fuck up.

Then I'd get to work – a tedious chore in a huge open plan anonymous office at the heart of a big city. Hundreds of co-workers, none of whom I knew. But the hateful shits all got names too. Shitpants, the One with the Face, Mo the Cunt …

I got a car eventually, and a better job. Funnily enough, people stopped being so hateful after that.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:01, 10 replies)

overhead lights
I will get furious and leave the room if someone turns on the overhead lights.
(WorksInDUMBO, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:42, 5 replies)

The Loch Ness Monster
I ain't givin you no tree fiddy you goddamn Loch Ness Monster, get your own goddamn money.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:31, Reply)

I can't stand it when people click "I like this" on my posts.
So the question is, "Are you my bitch?"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:29, 4 replies)

Grrrrr...
Fat people who get disabilty living allowance, just for being fat.

Grown-ups who decide that they don't like new foods before they've even tried it. I'm shagging a lass who won't try houmous & she's 31... It's not gonna last. Your not fucking 4 anymore
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:26, 5 replies)

When there's a report
on the news or some magazine show on the telly and they say "For more information just log on to our website.."

Why do I have to log on? I don't have an account! Can't I just visit your site? Oh that's what you meant all along!
(An Alien sneezed on Bill Oddies binoculars, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:22, 1 reply)

Click 'I Like This'
if you think I should adopt the identity of Captain Correction, a real-life superhero who goes around painting over unnecessary quotation marks and misplaced or unnecessary apostrophes from shop signs.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:12, 12 replies)

Yeah no...
People who start their sentences with "Yeah, no..."
Which one is it, you moron? Are you agreeing or disagreeing?
And don't even get me started on the idiots who intone EVERY sentence as if it was a question. Stupid stupid stupid.
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:08, 2 replies)

12 episode Anime
What is the point?

Just as the plot starts to get somewhere and characters are starting to get fleshed out a bit, it all has to finish up in the final 20 minute episode.

And.

It.

Never.

Makes.

Sense.


/Raaaaaaage.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:02, 1 reply)

People who....
....say newkilla instead of nuclear. You know, like that stupid bint Anna Cookson what reads the news on BBC Radio

I mean-it's the BBC.......WTF?



aaaaand I'm back in the room........
(fanny_batter, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Parsely
The world's most pointless herb.

The bistro down my local makes a crackingly addictive club sandwich I sup upon pretty much every visit...except for one thing - always a massive sprig of parsley just bunged down on the plate next to it...casting spurious aspersions upon my chips...now just what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

Am I supposed to remove the load-bearing toothpicks to un-pin & risk great disaster upon the structural integrity of my entire sandwich to insert it inside?...Am I supposed to sit there with it clenched in my fist & just munch upon it, as the slow kid with a helmet would eat a daisy in the corner of the playground when he thought nobody was watching?...Not fucking likely sunshine...so I have started a silent protest by always just leaving it in the coin slot of the poker machine nearest the exit as I leave the bistro area.

Take THAT only herb that stirs up such irrational rebelliousness within me - Fight the power.
(Ecky Thump Mozzarella you eh?!, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 14:32, 18 replies)

People who write the entire message in the subject field of the email. (Don't know if this has been posted, i can't be bothered to look!)

(Robotnik, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 14:29, 1 reply)