Kids say the darndest things
A friend of mine is a big beefy guy, and he happens to be black. One day, he went down to the grocery store. A kid of about four who was in the store pointed at my friend and said to his father, "Look daddy, it's a big poo!"
(ridethefader, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 7:33, Reply)

kids are geniuses at lyrics
I play music, mostly for grown folks but sometimes for kiddies. One day, we were playing "Down By The Bay" at a day camp and got kids to fill in the "did you ever see a such-and-such, such-and-suching a such-and-such" part (you know what I mean).
One very excited boy said: "Did you ever see EYES?? .... wearing... PANTS!?!" after which he looked both confused and supremely satisfied. Another boy answered with a long and rambling story about having seen a turtle on somebody's lawn one time. Brilliant. :)
(harmless kitty, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 5:47, Reply)

Yay for kids!
I'm all in favor of kids, which doesn't seem to be the thing here in West L.A., at least if you've got an education and were born in America. I mean, everyone I see in my peer group is either not breeding, having a single child (two at the ABSOLUTE maximum), or waiting until their eggs and/or sperm have gone rotten and then trying frantically and dramatically to reproduce.

That's not what I want at all. I want to find the future Mrs. Not Here and have as many children as possible, as huge families always seem to be tremendous fun. I mean like six or ten or twelve kids, a brood that polygamists would envy.

Overpopulation isn't the problem. It's too many stupid people, as there's a distinct shortage of educated people with a sense of humor. (EDITED to remove rant about a humor-deprived portion of the world.)

I plan to do my bit in adding more smart (if a bit fat and ranty) children to the planet. Must diet and clean up the apartment first, I suppose.
(not here, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 5:23, 2 replies)

Like many other people, I am both under 18, and a resident of the United States.
Like many other people, I am both under 18, and a resident of the United States.

Everybody lives for something which I can't quite work out - possibly either "the music around" or "the music-go-round".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 4:30, Reply)

bear with me
my aforementioned brother is incredibly travel sick. there are few things that will stop the ribena coloured sludge being thrown up all over the back of the car.

i am of course, put on duty with bucket, towel and plastic bags.

i found one of things that will stop him from being sick is oddly enough a game called 'yellow car' where on seeing a yellow coloured car, you must punch your opponent in the arm first.

this leads to a terrible choice;

do i want to be covered in purple goo or spend the next two hours down this stretch of the motorway being repeatedly punched in the arm by an excited five-year-old?

decisions decisions
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 4:27, 3 replies)

my eight-year-old brother is a great laugh
the other day, he turned to me with the most malicious grin on his face and said;

'i found where bobby's diary is'
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 4:20, Reply)

@avast
...Your post might be less offensive if it at least had a punchline.
The rest of your 'posts' prove you are at best borderline literate and sub prime for potential return on wit or flair. that’s how normal people spell humur (sic)

go back through some of the best answers to the archive questions.

use spel chock tu.

and try not to be such a total spongflap

just saying
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 4:02, Reply)

spaccaflappaflidmong
nothing topical - i'd just like to publicly apolpogise to both tourettes and big girls blouse.

i was being a complete spongflap

*looks at shoes and fiddles with imaginary pocket fluff*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 3:44, Reply)

Step daughters Ginger haired child
My step daughter has a ginger haired child, a little girl, so she has loads of this thick wavy GINGER hair.
She spent a couple of weeks with me and the missus when her mum was 'unwell', and in that time I convinced 'step-grandaughter-mensa_reject' that she has Pink hair.
If she now gets asked what colour her hair is she says 'Pink' and if anyone corrects her and tells her it's ginge, or red she gets angry with them because 'IT'S PINK'.

So even a 3 year old Ginge denies it, woo hoo.
(Mensa Reject has gone out, I'll be back on, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 2:21, 1 reply)

Babysitting
I'm forced to babysit my little sister by my fascist parents,i don't even get paid.
I get my revenge by pointing to an object and saying a phrase in Lithuanian until the child thinks thats what its called
Oh and making her swear like pirate, you know what ever tickles my fancy.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 2:15, 2 replies)

Racial comments to brother
My youngest brother, Just turned 18 now and is a 'Christian' the twucking fat.
Me and him have different dads*, because of this our skin colour is different**, when he was about 6 he came up to me in the kitchen at about 7am and told me something was wrong with him, as his 'poo has gone all runny'.
Did I explain to a 6 year old what diarrhoea was? did I fuck, I told him he was melting!
Act of genius on my part, until about 8pm that same night my mum slapped me in the chops for it.

*is mum a slag?
**his dad was of the wog variety
(Mensa Reject has gone out, I'll be back on, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 2:08, 7 replies)

dont know...
if you are male or female but let me if i may offer you the worst piece of advice i have ever been given..

my mum was 19 when she got 'caught' first time out. yip virgin/preggers, she always told me...

live your life see the world DONT have kids young! IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.

this is not true. i find in truth you cry when a life leaves this world - not when it enters. ive found this as my back teeth get more apparent and my belly gets less of a benefit on the beach.

even despite the fact my mum and i loved each other like there was no one else in the world and my dad was an aggressive insecure alchoholic. life was 'varied' growing up.

my dad bullied and terrified me all through my childhood. this made me fearful of being a father myself - it seemed too much a responsibiity - especially if i had a son. it would be my job to make him a man but not an insensitive emotional retard.

i met the girl of my dreams at 19. we were METICULOUS about birth control for 12 or so years then decided yeah! lets have a wee one.

didnt work out so easy, had to have IVF, we now have the most gorgeous wee boy (hes a professional model at only 2 years old - dont worry im not some pushy cunt - i'm an art director so i 'casted' him.

he is so special.

but at 39 (me) and 42 (mrs spimf) the chances of another successful IVF have been rated at 3% - optimistically. oh and it wil cost 5 grand yeah even at those odds.

have your kids young. you have more energy and they are whatever anyone says on here the single most rewarding and wonderful thing you will ever do.

so dont worry about jobs/career money or that shit. look back at the worst financial/ career disaster that ever happened to you. means fuck all now doesn't it.

so happy fucking

sorry if this sounds worthy but if it helps one b3tard then cool

no irony this time

sorry for length and distinct lack of punchline
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 2:07, 8 replies)

kids?
just last year i was on holiday in portugal...
( Avast is still alive!!!!, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 1:47, 3 replies)

my Dad thought so much of us
...that he consistently lied to me and my little brother throughout the course of our childhood. Here are my favourites:

The family pets
Before going to bed at night, our Dalmatian Sally would supposedly take off her spots (one by one) and pile them by the side of her bed, before putting on her pink and blue stripes. Meanwhile, Guinness the cat (black body, white head [she didn't actually have a white head, but that's a whole other story]) would unzip her furry suit and put on her pyjamas.

Ireland
The ancient castle ruins commonly seen around the south coast of Ireland were actually put up last year by the Irish tourist board. The ivy was spray-painted on. In yesteryears, the Irish sea was populated by the Armani Pirates, who went around in sharp suits and sunglasses, listening to Duran Duran and floating snares on the rock exchange.

Asquith
How did our semi-detached somehow get tidier between bedtime and breakfast? That would be the butler, Asquith. His father was our Dad's Batman during the Late Unpleasantness (Dad was Robin, because actually Robin was in charge, but nobody's allowed to tell Batman in case he gets upset) and he lived Below Stairs. This led to long expeditions into the under-stairs cupboard and a great many tellings off for trying to peel up the carpet.

The lift
We moved house. How did my parents get all the furniture upstairs? In the lift, of course. Did they have lifts when our house was built in 1869? According to my Dad, yes they did - because he was there (Dad was born when the Dinosaurs Roamed The Earth). We spent over ten years looking for that bloody lift.

The worst thing is, I still fall for the old bastard's blatant lies. The one thing I never believed was the atrocious untruth that my Dad's cousin helped to develop both the computer hard drive and cold fusion - but it turns out that he actually did.
( heckzecutive is probably fail, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 1:41, 2 replies)

hoodie
My brother is quite handy and therefore unlike me, quite happy to walk down the street and straight through a bunch of "feral" teenage kids, the ones either in black trackys or the black and grey version of dennis the menace's jumper.

As we walk through, he always says, in best 'annoying auntie' type voice "ahhhh look - they've got a little club with uniforms and everything! Bless...."

drives them mental but as i say he's quite handy. Personally, I like pretending to mistake the younger ones for girls, just so their mates turn on them going "that bloke fort you woz a bird innit" and stuff.

Still, we should be nice to the chav underclass, or at least promote their health to at least minimum standards. I'm always going to need my car washing, or my rubbish collected.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 0:29, 5 replies)

Kids?
I'm only 20, so I would view kids as a life destroying parasite on my life. Thank god for the pill and condoms.

To not breeding! *raises glass*
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 0:19, 4 replies)

this is terrible...
i used to ask my little sister if she wanted to run down to the shops (timing her of course - see previous post) and buy some sweets. poor wee soul would excitedly jump and say YES! so i'd chuck her 50p - carefully holding it with the sleeve of my school jumper...

mainly because i'd had it sitting on the grill of the electric fire for about 20 minutes.

always took a few seconds for her expression to change from excitement to pain

yes - hell, burn, i know
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 23:34, Reply)

death by cat's paw
I met up with some friends and their two boys, including a 5-yo, and a 2yo whom I had last seen when he was about 2 weeks old. The weird thing was they both seemed to remember me. I'd brought them a couple of Neko Nyanbou to play with, and within a minute they had me face down, bashing me over the head with them.

The nice thing about being the "uncle" is that you can bring them "the Toys with the Noise"... then leave the parents to deal with the resulting carnage. I'm quite happy not having any of my own, thank you.
( bnt what, me worry?, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 22:37, 1 reply)

Ow
When I was about 8 I was rocking back on my chair in school as usual but unusually I fell and whacked my head on the pointy old radiator.

Went to casualty with a nice bleeding head. They couldn't find an anaesthetist so my mum agreed for them to do the stitches with no anaesthetic.

I don't actually remember feeling any pain from it though. I'd never been to hospital before (that I could remember) so it was all quite exciting, and I got a couple of days off school. I've still got a scar which people sometimes see when I've had my hair cut and ask me about.

I still occasionally rock back on chairs even though I'm 24.
( thistle, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 22:34, 4 replies)

I would normally post
About 4 yr old mini Osok and 16 month old charmer mini mini osok but I can't be fucked. I got made redundant today (despite a record-breaking year) and everyone can just fuck off.

Especially those Directors who were foolish enough to let their personal & bank details into my hands.

*Polishes shotgun*
(osok Rebel without a clue, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 21:55, 17 replies)

Calpol
When i was younger i used to pretend to be sick so that I could have a sip of Calpol.

If i was really sick then I would get the Banana madicine (i think it was antibiotics).

Why, when we get older, does the medicine begin to taste worse and worse i mean paracetemol...wtf...they should keep the same flavours all the way through life.
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 21:25, 9 replies)

Little Twoheads discovers Newton's Third Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I have just learned to ride a bike unaided, while visiting a friends ( I am about 6) I show off my new found skills on their bike, which is bigger and has brakes that work.

I am cycling along towards a kerb, having picked up a fair bit of speed, pull on the brakes (which on my crappy bike would have brought me to a gentle stop) the bike stops, I don't, I sail gracefully over the handlebars, and land on the pavement on my chin.
(twoheads Is currently broke on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 20:48, 5 replies)

Step-daughter, at age 9
We were Christmas shopping at a mall in Memphis, Tennessee. We went into a cheapo art store and amid the velvet Elvis and leopard paintings was a copy of DaVinci's Last Supper, where Jesus and all of the Apostles were of African descent.

"That's wrong!" my daughter said, aghast, pointing to the picture.

Well, here we go. Time for the "Historial-Jesus-versus-the-Jesus-of-Art" discussion.

"Trisha," I said. "Jesus wasn't white like us, he was mid-eastern."

"No, not that," she waved me off. "That's not how DaVinci drew it!"

I laughed and hugged my open-minded little art snob.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 20:01, Reply)

Also...
my first coherent sentence was:

"Not too hard Mr Glitter...that hurts"



I am soooo sorry *gets coat* :(
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 19:54, Reply)

My adopted niece
My girlfriend's sister and brother-in-law have a lovely little daughter that has just turned two and she is the most amazingly together and funny child I've ever met.

Her dad, Alan, is a real 'rough diamond' petrol head into building and racing rally cars and swearing a lot. Her mother rides horses, so we're wondering whether little 'Boo' (as we call her) is going to end up being a Gymkhana Jemima or a tom boy who likes messing with engines.

Anyway, as I said, Alan likes swearing a LOT but he's very conscious of it when around his daughter and so uses a fairly innocuous word instead. The chosen word is 'badger'. Boo has cottoned on to this though and, when playing on her own, is often heard to say at the top of her voice "Oh badger!" when she drops something or injures herself. One day we were all sat round drinking coffee and in comes a two-year old, fearlessly running on tottering two year old legs that had only just learned to walk shouting "Badger badger badger badger badger badger!!!"
(Ghostlight, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 19:54, 2 replies)

One day
my step son came up to me and said:

"Did you know they have rubber underwear and stuff?"

No more Internet for him...
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 19:49, Reply)

Copycats...
I'm sitting here listening to music at the moment and my sister (who is in the room next door) is literally coppying what music i'm listening to.

I listen to scouting for girls - so does she
I listen to arctic monkeys - so does she
I listen to Maximo Park - so does she
I listen to a radio DJ talking about what siongs he was just playing - so does she

....



oh shit... we're both listening to the radio.

(this isn't a joke...this was literally what I was thinking a couple of minutes ago...and they say us kids are the future ha)
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 19:49, 2 replies)

I was a clumsy child ...
In fact, I had all the co-ordination of Bill & Ben on acid. Combined with the pigeon-toed walk, I was a disaster waiting to happen.

Which it did - often.

So you'd think my Mum would have paid closer attention, wouldn't you? To her credit, she usually did. Just once, though, she was distracted by something. Probably a good piece of gossip.

At the play park, before they were all dismantled under Health & Safety crap, I was on the swings. I loved the swings. I had to be physically dragged off when it was time to go home. Kicking and screaming, no dignity whatsoever.

I had, after many unsuccessful attempts, managed to perfect the art of jumping off the swing at full height, without landing on my face. I was a proud WeeWitch, and Mum being distracted was ruining my moment.

I got back on the swing, swung away merrily, and as I jumped, yelled to Mum the usual "look at me" squeak.

She looked. Just in time to see me land perfectly, like a little Olga Korbett (sp), arms out to the side, ready to shout ta-daa. Only no-one had told me to jump forwards when doing this. No-one had told me about gravity.

So the swing, swung. Smacked full force into my head, and it wasn't one of your lightweight plastic swings either. Solid shiny metal.

One trip to Casualty later, and I had a little shaved bit on top on my head, with six neat stitches. I was also covered in blood, head wounds being known for profuse bleeding, and looked, according to Dad, like I'd lost a fight with a fire-axe.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 19:41, 5 replies)

Irish nephew called Fin, aged 3
...a few weeks back, walks upto me and says "You should shave your moustache off uncle Jeccy"
"Really? Why's that?" says I.
"Because you look gay."

The little cunt.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 19:21, 7 replies)

Not me, but a cousin in Scotland...
Who was two at the time (he's now twelve). Now he has never been what you might call a conventional child, but still...

My Aunt had left him alone in the room he shared with his brother, where he was playing happily with his toy cars while she went downstairs to unload the washing machine. After she had been busy for about half an hour she became a bit suspicious of the absence of noise and decided to check up on him. She went to the bottom of the stairs. Silence. The landing at the top. Silence. She opened his bedroom door upon a scene of horror. He had done a shit in his nappy. Not a problem, he was two years old. But he had then carefully removed it, rolled it into little balls and carefully inserted one into the driving seat of each of his cars, and proceeded to push them all over the floor. The whole place was smothered in shit. Upon hearing his mother's despairing cry he turned to her with a massive grin on his face and exclaimed:

"Look mummy! Poo ball driving car!"



A few years later, his parents had decided to have a group photo taken with him and their other (at the time) three children. Now for those who haven't been the subject of a professional photoshoot, this process involves a lot of tedious changes of position, lighting, background etc. to get the perfect result. The photographer's assistant was given the unenviable job of keeping the children amused and smiling for the photograph(s), and did so with a string of animal noises. However after half an hour her impressions (and my cousin's patience) were running thin. So the next time the poor woman made a strangled quacking noise my cousin pipes up:

"We've heard that one already! Can ye no' do a Velociraptor?"

They had to delay the shoot for another 10 minutes while everyone except him stopped laughing.

*pop*
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 18:57, 3 replies)