I went to uni with a girl called...
Sarah Cockhead.
(Errorist, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 14:14, 28 replies)

ahhh baby and poo stories
I remember when my son was just a few weeks old, we were still doing nighlty bottle feeds.

My Misses woke up to feed and change him, she lay him on the baby changer and took his nappy off . she went to grab a new nappy when he farted. We all laughed a little.

We thought nothing of it, until we looked over towards the PC and there slowly making a descent down the front of the PC tower was a greensih slug leaving a brown trail.

He had fatred a poop onto my PC... which, i kid you not was about 8 ft away.

It was in the CD drive and everything....eugh....
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 14:12, 3 replies)

overheard last night
as i walked to a friends house to watch the football.

a young man (early to mid 20s) talking on his mobile phone all i caught as i walked by was "im getting a DNA test for the baby to be sure"

has his missus been sleeping around or is he worried his kid may have a genetic disorder?

you decide call 0800 2364 8907*

phone lines close at midnight

*may be a made up number

edit: number altered because it may actually be real
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 14:07, 3 replies)

The current Mrs Strings was getting off the metro* the other day...
...As she departed the train, a small child (by small I mean 7 or 8) commented rather loudly to his small friend on the size of her ample breasts.

"Look at the size of the melons on that!!"

They grow up so fast!


*The metro is Newcastle's attempt at a copy of Paris's metro, or the tube...but it's crap!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 13:48, 5 replies)

Unfortunate names
A woman in the office has a daughter in her late teens.
She has just had a baby girl, and since she is chavvy, she has given it the stupid name of Skye.

Some of us make 'oh god' faces, some people said they liked it, but we all laughed when I pointed out that it means the kid is called Skye Walker.
(bobman500 enjoys a grope as much as the next fella, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 13:08, 40 replies)

Childproof..
.
Me and Mrs Legless are a bit under the weather at the minute. Some kind of cold/flu bug. So Mrs Legless buys a bottle of Panadol on the way back from work. The kind with the childproof cap.

For those of you that don't know, Mrs Legless is a doctor - an orthopaedic surgeon to be exact. I'm an IT geek with wide-ranging interests including electronics, mechanics, engineering and explosives. Let's just say that, without boasting, we're two pretty clued-up people.

Could we open this fucking bottle of Panadol? Could we buggery......

Ended up having to saw the bottom off with a knife...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 13:03, 3 replies)

when my daughter was less than a year old
she decided to shoot a jet of liquid baby poo into my face while changing a nappy. Truly terrifying and I screamed and fell over being the brave soul I am. Anyone with kids has a kid wee or kid poo story so it's no big deal.

However, She's now 6 and I thought i'd tell her this story. I expected her to laugh and chuckle at it. But no, instead she fixed me with a look that I can only describe as 'the sad eyes that have seen to much too young' and uttered, 'You are disgusting daddy' and promptly left the room.

I was so flabbergasted at the sheer lack logic that I only managed to mutter 'Yeahhh, welll, no hang on, me?' before she left the room.

Tomorrow I'm going to tell her santa's not real. Lets see her comeback on that one eh?
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 12:51, Reply)

Yeah...
I was walking to the shops last night with some other female friends to buy some cream... (to go on our strawberries)

And standing outside the shop was a group of teenagers.

As we walked past one of the boys shouted to us "Open your legs and show us your fanny!"

Poor thing, probably hadn't seen one before...

Probably won't see one for a while either...
( Mellicious is made of candy, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 12:41, 13 replies)

Mine new lad is just 3 days old
Nothing to report yet!
(waxdart hello., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 12:38, 7 replies)

On a nicer note
My Mum and Aunt are identical twins, so my cousin was more like my brother when we were growing up. We also seem to have that weird psychic link twins get. Anyhoo, I don't really seem to remember anything happen to me as a kid, it all happened to my cousin. Including:

My cousin falling out of my Grandads plum tree and landing legs either side of a lower branch. I remember my Mum, Aunt and Dad all taking him to the bedroom to make sure his 'bits' were ok. My Dad had to leave the room as my cousins swollen, purple testicles made him feel unwell.

My cousin and me sharing a bath and my Dad trying to scrub an ink mark off my cousins head with a flannel. Turns out it was a vein.

Anyone remember bath crayons? When it was still ok for kids to share baths you used to be able to buy special crayons that you could draw on your bathing partner with. I wrote COCK on my cousins back. As it turns out my cousin was allergic to this particular brand so despite the crayon washing off, he walked around for a week with COCK written on his back in red, raised skin. I got smacked.

Having a water fight with my cousin, I ran indoors and grabbed a watersprayer, squirting my cousin as he followed me. Turns out it wasn't the one my Mum used to do the ironing with, it was the one containing cleaning fluid and it bleached my cousins hair and clothes.

He taught me how to pick it, lick it, roll it, flick it.

Jumpers for goalposts.

He's a father now (which we were all surprised at after the plum tree incident) and has two lovely kids of his own. I can't wait to teach them to swear.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 12:09, 2 replies)

IVF
As bit of twist from some of the 'surprise' pregnancy stories on here, Mrs Smurf has a couple of friends kind of doing the opposite and I really have to bite my tongue about it when we see them.

Mr & Mrs Friend have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. A very long time. They're both in their mid-30's but just weren't able to manage it (I don't know the ins and outs of why). No pun intended.

So they've decided to go along the IVF root. Now I should say that I don't agree with IVF. I think the world is too full as it is and there are plenty of kids that need adopting already. Nature is saying no for a reason. But having a baby has become all consuming for Mrs Friend. She's even made them move house to a different county so they can get the IVF treatment in the first place (apparently different counties have different rules as to whether you can have it).

Recently Mrs Friend has also been diagnosed with Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. In a few years she is going to be wheel chair bound basically. Mr Friend is in the armed forces and spends a lot of time overseas. Has this made her think again about having kids? What kind of life will the child have? How will they look after the child? What happens to Mr Friend's career? How he's going to have to cope with caring for her and a child?

No, none of it matter. All the matters is pushing out a baby. This 'need' for a child is all consuming and I find it disturbing and wrong.

Fair enough, I don't understand how women feel or how the biological clock gets a grip on you, but surely common sense must fight through that?

*Edit* I should have also added that I know Mr Friend is worrying about the whole situation. But he is a really sweet, caring guy and he loves her very much and so just wants to give her what she wants.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 11:50, 120 replies)

Yesterday
Some kids shouted at my fella. So he decides to walk up to him. Cue loads of kids from the same council estate to shout at him. When he walks over to them, they take five steps back. He walks further. They start running.

Then one cocky fat kid squares up to him. The fat kid isn't even up to his chest, and they all start talking to him in a London wigger accent. This is Portsmouth, and Jon is from London.

I heard one of them say something along the lines of 'that's a shit accent, fucking fake'. Talking about my fella. This cracked me up.

Aaaaaanyway, the bit that cracked me up was that a girl started on me for no apparent reason. I was just stood there laughing my arse off, not saying anything. She was up to MY chest, resembled a bloke and spoke 'LIKE DIS YO! DON'T START FUKIN WIT ME I'LL FUCK YOU UP PROPER'. So I walked over to her. She walked away.

So we walked away. Hell, we had to, it was too funny. They screamed that we'd 'better walk away'. So we just walked up to them to prove a point. What did they do? Certainly not square up to a fight.

I don't fight kids - when the last one went to fight me I restrained it and took it to its parents. But I had to prove a point to them on this one. All gob, no accent. If that was Boro, those kids would have all ganged round us and probably pulled a knife. Not this lot.

Got to love the Pompey kids!
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 11:36, 1 reply)

...and I chop 'em down, with the edge of my hand
My father in law is a mason, loves golf, and is an excellent misogynist too. He doesn't see much of my nipper but on the last visit had decided that my boy was OK, and set about converting him to the cause (golf).

"Have you ever thought about playing golf? Golf's a great game, and golfers are good people too."

"In *your* opinion."



"So, when you come back from this holiday, you'll have a lot to say when they ask 'what did you do on your holidays'.
Do they ask you that?"

"They used to, but they don't patronise us anymore."

Two nil.
(Countryslicker, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 11:20, 4 replies)

Teenage Pregnacy
Let's settle this right now. A few people have posted saying that their area has the highest teenage pregnancy rate.

Well you're wrong. As usual, the North East of England wins with Redcar pipping Southwark to the coveted first place: The results in full:

Conceptions rate per 1000.

The worst

Redcar and Cleveland 18.4

Southwark 16.5

Haringey 16.4

Lambeth 16.1

Stoke-on-Trent 15.7

Doncaster 15.4

Kingston Upon Hull 15.1

Lewisham 13.7

Torbay 13.4

Islington 13.4


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 10:59, 23 replies)

The other day..
I was walking through manchester centre and i saw a teenage male chav and his mum..... guess who had the biggger boobs??

You guessed it!!

HE DID!
(kfc_frenzy last had a crap on, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 10:58, 4 replies)

Way back...
When I was a young little turd, my mother used to make a little extra money babysitting some of the local neighborhood kids. One of these was the little brother of my best friend at the time.
Oh the stories I could tell. This kid had impressively high levels of stupidity.

Lets do this chronologically, shall we lads?

One of the first words he learned to say was "this". Which is all well and good, four letters is better than a lot of kids can manage. Only the other kids manage to work a few other words into their vocabulary. All he said when he was in my mother's care was "dis?" And he'd repeat it... over and over and over, the same tone and rising inflection. Dis? Dis? Dis? Dis? Dis? Slowly driving my young mind mad.

Fast forward a few years, he's now 6 or so and on his way to the toilet, only he doesn't quite make it. "Well fine," You say "not everybody got ahold of their innards by this point." Which I concede to be true. But this little boy's genius idea of cleaning his soiled undies consisted of peeing on them. While wearing them, in the middle of the bathroom floor. Cue much gagging of me and my friend, while my mother cleans up the resulting mess.

The last story I can remember at the moment, is one that isn't so uncommon I guess, at least in basic form and shape. Later in the year, after the bathroom incident...
His dad worked for a trainyard, and thus had an ample supply of those foam earplugs. Well our subject happened to get ahold of one, and the inevitable occured when it was passed on its merry way up his nose. So far that it couldn't be removed without surgery. But of course, surgery has a wait time, and meanwhile, things got infected, and flesh began to die. The smell that that child produced cannot be described in words, but even thinking about it, I catch the faint whiff of it, the smallest taste of that foul smell on the back of my tongue.
(UndeadChicken Eating poultry farmers since 1987, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 10:15, 2 replies)

....
My ten year old came home from school last week and told me that all his teachers are 'cunts'.

I went to a parents evening last Friday - he was right.

warning - this post may contain previously used material and was produced in a environment that might have a few nuts lying about somewhere.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 10:09, Reply)

How I nearly ended up caving three youth's heads in with a hammer
I was walking up my back alley last night when 3 mini-chavs started walking behind me.

I was wearing all my bike gear at the time which tends to give me a bit of a John Wayne walk, and they started taking the piss:

"Fucking mong."
"You fucking mong."

I turned round. The largest one was about 14.

"Are you talking to me?"

"Yeah. You fucking mong."
"You fucking ginger cunt." (I found this funny as fuck as I'm not even ginger).
"Do you want to fight me? I'll fucking bang you out!" said a hilarious child who looked eight years old.

I decided that I had two options.

1. Fight them. Which I would have loved to have done, except that the oldest was carrying a beer bottle.
2. Walk on.

I chose option 2.

They continued to taunt me as I walked up the alleyway.

"I'll fight you for a fiver!"
"Yeah, you'd better keep walking, you fucking cunt!"

I opened my back gate and got into my yard, closing it behind me. Then one of them must have kicked it, as it sprang open again.

I'd had enough. I ran into my house and got the hammer from the toolbox.

Now picture this from their point of view. A 6-foot, 19 stone bearded biker emerges from the gate you've just kicked, looking severely pissed off and running at you with a BIG FUCK-OFF HAMMER.

For some reason, they fucked off. I'm quite glad, because the fact that I was angry enough to do that means that I was angry enough to hit them with it.

I just hope they won't come back and brick my windows...
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 9:59, 1 reply)

Off topic, threadjack, and so on
I suppose I was asking for it... I decided this morning to chnge my name back to Enzyme, only to find that someone else registered as Enzyme yesterday.

BASTARD!

Point is - please don't confuse us. I've sent a gaz to the newbie to ask for the name back, but, in the interim, please bear in mind that "Enzyme" isn't me at the moment.

(For both our sakes, I hope we can sort this out - it'll cause no end of confusion)


EDIT: FIXED! Hurrah!!!111!eleventyone!!
Many thanks to Legless (of whose power I am now scared) and the mods
*buys round of drinks*
*learns lesson*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 9:36, 48 replies)

Burt and Al love kids
As this picture proves:


I need to have more of a life outside of work, far too much time on my hands. Any offers taken.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 9:33, 14 replies)

Encyclopidea salesman
Knocks at a door where a young and mentally disabled boy answers

"hello."

Ah, er... Good Morning, is your Daddy in?

no, hes at the art group weaving wicker baskets

OK....Is your mummy in then?

no, shes at the hospital having more tests done

Indeed. Um have you an elder brother?

yes, but hes at University

Oh! What's he doing there?

sitting in a pickle jar
(lordy lordy, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 9:18, Reply)

Fucking kids.
I was in a newsagents in town a few weeks ago, getting my weekly copy of the New Scientist (yeah, I'm exciting...).

The girl at the till recognises me, and we have a bit of a smile and a chat, some pleasent flirting.

While this is going on, a bunch of ill-disciplined children are running about screaming, knocking things from the shelves, and generally pissing us off.

I shook my head and muttered "I hate fucking kids".

I then quickly realised what I'd said, and tried to cover it by saying "Er... Shit... I mean... I fucking hate kids. Not I hate fucking them."

She looked a little confused, and after a brief mental lag, she looked at me strangely, and said "That'll be three-pound-ninety-five please."

Now every time I go in there she grins at me, and once I heard her say to a fellow till girl "That's the "fucking kids" guy!" while looking at me.

I know it would've been funnier if she'd have said "Well don't fuck them then." but that isn't how it happened.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 9:00, 10 replies)

Redditch, Birmingham's sewer
I lived above a pub there for a year and it was not a good place to live. On entering Redditch by car you come to a rather large roundabout. One day I drove round the island and there was a big message written on a white sheet which sums the town up in a few words "Happy 30th Birthday Grandma"
(amsterdam_neild, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 8:32, 4 replies)

Just saw the "i was a racist child" post...
and it reminded me of an amzaing story I was told of my childhood...

Apparently, the first time i ever saw a black person (there are suprisingly few in my area). I cried... and cried... and cried.

I think I was about 2 at the time.
( The Flaming Ibanez Awww, c'mon, Japanese girls do it!, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 5:37, Reply)

Did you know that
the act of child hurling is a still a recognizable
sport in the middle east?
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 4:09, Reply)

Missing ?
One small red headed child answers to Ginna ,OI YOU! and Robert , last seen 1984 in Skegness balancing a pot of treacle on his head.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 3:13, Reply)

The octopus.........
When I was a somewhat younger Howling_Mad, I remember watching this TV program about creatures who live in the sea.

After watching a bit about octopus', for some reason I'll probably never understand (nor forget, I'm talking to u older bro! I know you're reading this now, and probably crapping your pants) with my parents and older brother (and possibly younger brother as I can't remeber the exact time this happened) in the room, I said out-loud: "the octopus has eight long testicles!"

Unfortunately I can't remember my parent's reactions, but I do remember my older brother piss himself laughing about it. He still reminds of it to this day. All because I was young, still learning, and at the time couldn't tell the difference between tentacles and testicles.

Apologies for the length, for my name is Long Rod von Hugendong.
(Howling_Mad Gave God the finger on:, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 2:41, 2 replies)