dear testicles
you are NOT in charge. Stop fucking with me. i'm sorry about the cricket bat incident and the scars from the surgery. i'm sorry about the time i got mumps as an adult and lefty got to the size of a generously proportioned lemon. i'm sorry about the endless jostling on bike seats and for incessantly wanking like a captive chimp on meth between the ages of eleven and now. but i swear to god, one more fucking bad decision, one more unauthorised tail-chasing spree, one more instance of agreeing to a favour based on the breasticles of the person asking with no regard for my own hectic schedule, and i will fuckin lop you off with a pair of garden shears and have you cryogenically frozen until such time as i need offspring, so help me god.
as for that episode with the redhead on friday night where you got the schlong out of bed for no reason- totally unnaceptable. i'm watching you, fuckers.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:35, 1 reply)

Dearest Amy
He beat you about and is a drug dealing scumbag, please stop going back to him. He's your ex for a reason. I know that you're both fucking each other 3 doors away right now, you will get messed about again, trust me. If he hasn't left by 6, i'm going to punch him square in his neanderthal face and tell his new girlfriend about his antics.
Kisses to your mother.
(KneelDiamond, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:23, 12 replies)

Dear People of Britain
We are now poorer than the Czechs. We were complacent. Our economy was fucked and all we did was to sit around and moan about politicians.

Our personal debt was the highest in the world. Our government debt was huge and our corporate sector was insanely based on banking. Our government was borrowing 13% of GDP to maintain the budget! And we were more interested in football than our futures.

Did we get involved in politics, did we take to the streets, did we try to get change before the cataclysm? No. All we did was sit around drinking tea and beer and hoped all the problems went away. It was only when the financial disasters hit us that we got off our backsides, but by then it was too late. Like the Icelanders we only started to protest once the thing had collapsed.

I wish I could send this back in time. I wish you knew what the future had in store for us. But I figure, even if you did know, you wouldn't have done anything anyway.

We were smug and self-satisfied, but not anymore.
(stuntsmile, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:15, 14 replies)

Dear Sparkles

I'm going to go and get you in a minute so you can read this. Basically, you're doing a great job, I know you are finding it difficult at the moment but you're better than you think you are, you are capable of doing this alongside what else you have to do and you need to have the self belief. You have delivered amazing results for me in the past, remember that, take the positives and take that with you this afternoon.

And if nothing else, remember my girlfriend thinks you have cracking t*ts. And now the whole world knows

Do your happy dance !
(countwilfredthehairy i wasn't born to live, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:00, 5 replies)

To everyone that knows me

Now, if there's a smile on my face,
It's only there tryin' to fool the public.
But when it comes down to foolin' you,
Now honey, that's quite a different subject.
But don't let my glad expression,
Give you the wrong impression.
Really, I'm sad
(countwilfredthehairy i wasn't born to live, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Dear Mr Waterstone.
Recently I purchased a copy of the Karma Sutra from your online slaes site. I would like to say that it arrived very quickly and within the time promised. I should like to return the book as it has caused some unrest in this household.

I would like to point out several entries in the book which in my opinion could not only cause harm but could result in a breach of health and safety regulations. I would appreciate your feedback at the earliest opportunity.

1. Page 37 Number 29: Now this is supposed to be The Scissors where the gentleman gains entry to the muff while laying in opposite directions. This position is impossible and climax can can only be achieved by lesbians. All we manged to do was fart up eachother's arseholes. Do you not understand that when a man has a broom on it needs to face north. No amount of bending or twisting will allow one's chopper to face the feet with that quantity of blood in it.
We tried it out which resulted in me pulling a muscle in my chap and an embarrassing visit to my GP who failed to contain her surgerylols.

2. Page 41 Number 37: The alternative oral position. What is wrong with a 69? Why do you find it necessary to invent another way? I can only assume this is classed as an oral position as we discovered, all you can actually do is talk about it.

3. Page 61 Number 52: The Dive. Now this is just silly. The diagram (fig 1) clearly shows the man who is clearly nursing a full stiffie belly flopping on top of the woman from a standing position, not only scoring a bull but also both parties escaping injury free.
We tried it but it all went horribly wrong. I stood at the bottom of the bed with a cock like a car jack and as shown, I dived on top of my mrs who was laying on her back with her legs so far apart she was almost doing the splits. Her snapper was wide open and let's face it, it's not exactly a small target these days. She was quite horny and was dripping like a fucked fridge so I was confident this would be a pleasurable experience. Now you know that feeling when you're playing snooker and as soon as you hit the cue ball, you know instantly that you have missed the shot, well that is a realisation you do not want to experience when you are in mid air about to land on top of your wife. This resulted in me doing a diana.
_(Again)

4. Page 104 Number 84a: I am not into that sort of thing!

5. Page 147 Number 222: The Wheelbarrow. I quite enjoyed this one at first. The idea is the woman lays face down on the floor while the gentleman lifts up her ankles waist high and she then walks around the room on her hands while the gentleman gains muff entry at the same time. We were getting quite good at it and due to my wife being a champion shot putter she was able to keep going for some time. Everything was going swimmingly until I tripped over the fucking book. I collapsed on top of her pulling another muscle in my fella. She faceplanted the pisspot which catapulted up in the air showering us both in cold piss and knocking a shotgun off the wall which went off blowing a huge hole in the ceiling, rupturing my water tank, flooding the house and to cap it all, my neighbour jumped naked from the wardrobe with his hands up.

I expect a full refund.

Your obedient servant

Captn' Horatio Clutterbuck Hood-Butter III (ret) _{VC VD and Bar}
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:54, 20 replies)

Helen
Helen, you probably know all this already but I could never tell you face-to-face because you hate sentimentality and would call me ‘soppy’, but I need you to know how I feel.

I want you to know that even though we are no longer together, I still think about you every day and miss you as much as the day you walked away. I know that the opportunity to live and work abroad was an one that you could not have turned down and I would never have dreamed of trying to persuade you otherwise. Had I somehow managed to keep you here, you would have resented me and we would have ended on far worse terms.

I want to thank you for the amazing three and half years we spent together. I remember the first time I met you, I fell for you completely and began to think that perhaps I had finally met my soulmate.

I want to thank you for giving me a chance and not quitting and running when the going got a little rough. I want to thank you for changing me into the person I wanted to be and not the person I couldn’t be. I want to thank you for taking away my fear of commitment. I want to thank you for your advice and your support, even when I resisted and accused you of patronising me. I want to thank you for making me so proud to be seen with you. I want to thank you for making me walk with my held high, instead of slouching through life alone.

I have never wanted to stay in touch with exes before and I am so glad that we are ‘friends’; I could not and still cannot bear the thought of never seeing you again. I am so glad that you wanted to see me at Christmas, when you visited. When you called on Christmas Day, when you were with your family and I was out walking in the hills, I was so unbelievably happy. I loved every minute of our walk around Harrogate, doing the things we always used to do: my following you into all the various clothes/shoes/handbag shops, carrying your bags and finishing off with coffee together later. I loved that we saw 2010 in together. I loved that you giggled when you came the following morning, when the last time you did we were breaking up and you cried.

Helen, I don’t know if we will ever make it. Things happen for a reason, relationships end for a reason but I feel comfort in knowing that the door is not completely closed. I know that life will invariably take us in different directions and that we may never be together again but I wanted you to know that you were my world and that I would have done anything for you without question.

I know that you’re under a lot of stress at work and I know that you have other people now to take solace in. Just know that I will always be here for you and will always love you.
(Ghostlight, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:19, 6 replies)

George,
You’ve been there all my life, like that shifty uncle with the beard who my mum wouldn’t let me go anywhere near when I was little because of the incident with the bottle of ketchup, the tub of Vaseline, and the visit to A & E at three-thirty in the morning. I feel like I know you so well, George. You’re like the father I never had (OK, I’ve got a dad but he seemed to spend my childhood sitting in a comfy chair scratching himself, watching daytime TV, and becoming increasingly Wolfman hairy).

So, George, why didn’t you respond to my last letter? You may have been too busy counting your pots of cash or chowing down on Ben & Jerrys (you have gotten a little on the lardy side this last few years), or maybe someone hasn’t actually sat you down and taught you how to read or write yet? Who knows... But I’ll summarise my last correspondence here, don’t ignore it, it could make you even richer than you already are. And God knows who wouldn’t like another Learjet or thirteen year old Thai bride in the shed at the end of the garden to add to the collection?

Here it is – keep it to yourself and I guarantee you’re looking at genuine, grade A, cool hard pay dirt.

Star Wars: The New Trilogy!!!

Firstly, ditch the pussy gay robots and quite frankly fucking awful amphibians who sound like they’ve come from a cotton field somewhere in South Carolina circa 1863. Fuck knows what you were thinking there, mate, apart from enraging the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD and making people actually want to vomit and kill you. Yeah, I know what you’ll say: “Kiddies = Kerching!!!” But fuck that, you’re forgetting the all important first rule when it comes to this target audience: kiddies are wankers. Fuck them. They don’t deserve to be in the cinema in the first place polluting the air with their kiddie smells and whiney little bitch voices.

Which brings me to my second point: Go for the 18 Certificate next time. It’s time Star Wars got a little gritty, sexy, and gory. My suggestion to open Part One of the New Trilogy (Star Wars: Zombie Darth Vader Returns from the Dead and Fucks Up the Republic Big Time), where Princess Leia (played by some sexy little minx Hollywood starlet who ACTUALLY HAS TITS this time, is addicted to space crack and down on her luck, having found Han and Chewie butt-fucking in the Falcon sometime earlier. Anyway, Leia ends up spit roasting a couple of clones in a Degobah toilet (if she’s got tits at least let’s see um unfettered, sweaty and bouncing round for a bit. Nipples = box office gold, remember that). Then her brother, Luke, (this time played by someone who can actually act), breaks down the door and beats the clones to death with his bare knuckles, ripping out the still beating heart of one of um and holding it aloft like a mighty fucking talisman. Blood. Tits. Gore. Shagging. And all within the first five minutes. What a fucking opener! I guarantee everyone in the audience at the test screening will have a raging boner.

From there on you’re on your own... But I’ll leave you with this: Wouldn’t it be interesting to have a zero gravity interspecies alien/human sex scene? Possibly give the alien two cocks... Maybe make it 3D. Just a thought.

Could make a fucking fortune. Can’t for the life of me understand why you haven’t responded to my previous letter.

PS – I enclose a bit of fan art for your amusement. It’s the scene where Chewie cornholes Han while Zombie Darth Vader (played by Steven Segal) watches on and a couple of those blue girls with the big tentacles coming out their head’s suck his bollocks. You’ll need an ultraviolet light to see it though as I drew it in spunk. I think it’s very effective.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:10, 1 reply)

Dear housemate
On behalf of the other residents, please stop hiding our stuff in seemingly random, and completely unexpected places, under the pretence of calling it 'tidying', yet failing to grasp the concepts of 'mop', 'hoover', and 'duster'.

Scented candles, however gay and floral they may be, do not actually hide the fact you've been smoking in the house. Neither does half a can of pine air freshener.

When you 'wash' your plates, please do the others as well. We don't ignore yours when we do them. Also, 'leaving them in for a soak' does not take over 24 hours, it just makes the water stagnate.

Toilet paper does not magically appear in the bathroom, you are expected to replace it when it runs out, but since you never have, we don't hold out much hope (FYI, kitchen roll is not a suitable substitute, and does not flush away easily)

Oh, and we're moving out next month. See you later, cunt.
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:03, 1 reply)

Dear Friends and Acquaintances
Although I am honoured that you think of me when forwarding emails, please be aware that you will NEVER receive a free laptop/ phone or hoilday by doing this. Nor will you die, have bad luck or not find the love of your life if you neglect a pathetic, whiny digital cliche.

All you are managing to do is send my email address to charlatans who want to sell me xanax, viagra or penis enlarging products via my inbox. My spam filter can't handle much more.

So grow up, go back to your life in the normal manner and stop passing me your pointless, time consuming irritating emails.

Because if you don't within 7 days, you will have bad luck for the rest of your life.

Length?....acquire new skills with increased size. learn how.
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:00, 2 replies)

Dear Mrs SLVA
Please spit to the left. I have to sleep in this bed too, you know.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:49, 1 reply)

Dear Samsung
Your television remotes are truly lovely.

I threw up on my floor on the weekend, and it turns out my remote was on said floor, so I would like a new remote.

I'm not suggesting my sickness was your fault but the fact that the back of your remotes has little gaps in it allowed sick to go inside so technically it's your fault.

Cheers
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 10:56, 1 reply)

Dear Inconsiderate Fellow Bus/Train Traveller,
Why do you choose to sit on the outside seat and block access to the empty window seat next to you? If you decide that your bag/magazine/bottle of coke is precious enough to take up a seat on a crowded bus/train, it’s only fair you should buy another ticket for said item.

And I glare at you long enough to know you’re not getting off at the next stop.

I WILL ask you to move so I can sit down on a seat I paid for. Please don’t sigh/ tut/ roll your eyes/ just lean an inch to let me pass- it’s meeeeean.

Kishes
xx

Edit: Should prolly reiterate this is when it's crowded. And people grudgingly moving to allow people to sit next to them.
( awayfromthenumbers, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 10:52, 12 replies)

What actually happens to peoples email accounts when they die?
Do they get deleted at some point or does the subscription just carry on? Do relatives use them as a way of "getting in contact with them"?
(unicornflakes, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 10:44, 2 replies)

Dear Virulent
That wasn't a girl!
(Virulent, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Dear me ten years ago and preggers,
don't marry that twat. He's a full-blown basketcase and will reduce you to a puddle of depression and fear within weeks of your return into his open arms. He will not even pay for the divorce he will force you into, entirely too late for all of the 15 months you will endure.

If you marry him, he will have the legal right to turn up every few months and demand to see his son - whom he does not care about otherwise. He will not call or write or ask about him, but merely terrorize the both of you for the hell of it.

Don't argue that he will also have the legal obligation to care *for* said son, he will not pay a brass farthin' and the fookin' courts in this country will not do a thing. Just pick one of the civilized European countries you're allowed to live in where they won't treat you like a leper for giving birth while single. You can always find a job.

That MA degree you were too afraid to quit? It will save your life and will finally lead to a PhD and an academic career. Just remember not to write papers with good English and shitty argumentation.

And don't get mad at the kid or at yourself when things don't go as you want them - floors can be washed, being late is no catastrophe, and the kid will love you as devotedly as you will love him.

Oh, and ten years later you will find a great guy - just don't yell at him, he doesn't take it well.

Best,
older and wiser joansie

(long time lurker finally popped)
(joansie, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 10:26, 1 reply)

Something I should send myself...
Dearest One-Winged,

There are many things that get you irritated and annoyed. Please don't let one of them be your friends or the man in your life.

I know he loves you, and you love him, but you can't get pissed off at him when he talks about things you really couldn't care less about. It's the thing he is passionate about, so just take a fucking interest! You may acutally learn something...

Also, take the time to talk to him about things. It may seem insignificant to you, but he really wants to know about it!!!!!!

And when it comes to your friend, especially Red and White, you need to open up to them more. Red may accuse you of passive aggresion, but it really doesn't need to be that way, just stop been so defensive (but it is understandable that you are!).

God damn you, One-Winged, open up more!!!!

Forever yours, One-Winged. X
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Dear US Air Force,
Thank you for taking an idealistic young medic and mind raping him so badly that he's still fucked up 15 years later. Still, he's MY fuckup, so I suppose I'll just have to deal with it...(since he can't)

love & hugs

proboscisface xxxxx
( Proboscisface wrong sounding muppet, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Not even funny.
But it is a Email I genuinely sent.

Dear Bounty (now plenty),
I have a motorcycle, a girlfriend, a cat and a baby.

Thank you for your product!
Yours, G

Sad I know!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 9:58, 2 replies)

Dear mum
Please stop taking me to court, I feel like I'm on Jeremy Kyle so stop it. My son doesn't want to see you because you are nasty and drink too much so go away or apologise to us.

Your 'loving' daughter
ps; happy birthday for tomorrow
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 9:02, 2 replies)

Dear Mate,
I only knew you a bit, but we always got on. Working thought the stupid hours is always more fun with a good bloke to talk crap to and have a bit of a laugh with. The late bump outs go much faster that way.
I was very saddened when I heard. I hope they catch the guy that did it. There was no need at all for you to die.

Until later.
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 7:17, Reply)

Dear Me...
Stop wasting the best years of your life you prick! Quit being a socially retarded mute and start talking to people 'cos you know you'll regret not doing so in a few years.

Love from,

Me.
(I Am Plague @Mistication92, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 1:29, Reply)

Members of B3ta
I realise this is one letter that's pretty much guaranteed to be read, but it needs saying. Last week, Exempt offered to show us her ladybumps in exchange for a few compliments. What she actually got was a litany of standard keyboard-hero abuse and cries of "HARPOONZ!!! lol".

I was quite disappointed by this, as I think she's really very hot indeed. So, you know... thanks, twats.
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 0:17, 21 replies)

Dear Southwest Airlines:
You are usually one of the crappiest airlines I've ever had the displeasure of flying with, until today.
Too many times your flights are overbooked, delayed, cancelled, filled with screaming brats and all I want to do is sit in the aisle seat and get ready for the anxiety I always feel when flying.
Your staff are usually unhelpful and unfriendly, especially when it comes to allowing people to pre-board with no obvious disability and yet without fail when I ask permission to pre-board it takes a ton of questions.
Do you think I travel with a cane just for the sake of it? Do you really think I actually like carrying that thing around? It's fucking hideous and nobody in their right minds would carry it around as an accessory. I've taken to having to bring my disabled parking placard paperwork with me when I travel with you to prove it!

But today, your lovely lovely staff actually told me the security line was huge, wheeled me through in a wheelchair so I didn't have to stand in line and then deposited me at the bar. On top of that, the chap went off to the Southwest enquiries desk and came back with a permanent pre-boarding pass for me which allows me to pre-board on any of your flights without standing in line in the first come/first served basis.
And then, when takeoff today was a hell of a lot bumpy and I'm sat there clutching the arm of the seat, one of your flight attendants came and sat next to me and re-assured me and brought me a beer once we were at cruising level before serving anybody else.

It made for a pleasant flight after a pleasant weekend, and even though the descent was quite a bit bumpy, your flight attendant kept looking over at me from his seat and making sure I was ok.

I can honestly say it's the first time I've never felt anxiety on one of your flights.

Thank you.

(p.s. I'll still be flying Virgin America though for Vegas and San Francisco trips...sorry, but they are superior).
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 0:17, 3 replies)

Dear so called friends
using facebook to air your dirty laundry is plain wrong. If you think for one moment that your playschool standard cryptic status updates go undeciphered by basic primates, you are either thicker than I ever gave you credit for or just too up your own arses to just speak about it with whoever happens to have gotten your plethora of beef related products this time.

MTFU and discuss it like adults and by the way the definition of being an adult is not judged by whether you've had a kid or not!


Yours oh so sincerely, unlike some I could mention!

Squirrel
rant over
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 23:38, 1 reply)