I used to live
in a giant snail shell, about the size of a small bungalow. When asked why we didn't have a 'normal' house, my miniscule giraffe guardian told me that we couldn't afford one so we were living in grandpa's shell. Only recently did I discover that giraffes don't have shells. Liar.
(grippa93, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 19:20, Reply)

Grandparents lies
Apparently when I was 4 or 5 I was acting up big style, and my Grandpa being slightly mental thought that by saying'If you don't behave the Bobbies (police) will come and take you away' According to my dad I turned round to my Grandpa and said 'Don't be such a silly old man!'.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sun 18 Jan 2004, 18:31, Reply)

My Mum and Dad
told me that the Canary Wharf Tower was on wheels and the reason it moved from one side of the road to the other as we were driving to London is because there were men pushing it.... I had no reason to doubt them because my Dad built part of it. and so it went.
(underachiever, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 18:20, Reply)

Secret Bunker
There are a set of public steps that run up the hill beside our house, and at the top there is a traditional manhole.

My brother and friend managed to convince me that it was the main entrance to their secret den.

"But I can hear water running below it."
-That's a tape recorder, so no one finds out.
"But I looked through the gap with a torch and can't see anything"
-That's because we stretched bin liners over the top to keep it all dry.

"COOL. Can I go in?"
-No.

And I never did.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 17:44, Reply)

Caterpillars
My dad has given my little sister a fluff in a tic tac box. He says it's a real caterpillar. When she showed me, i thought it was a real caterpillar until my dad told me it wasn't. My little sister still thinks she has a real caterpillar and puts leaves in the box and takes it to school. One day the fluff got ripped into little pieces. My dad told her the caterpillar had babies. though i must admit the fluff does look like a caterpillar...sort of.
(Jennsterino, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 17:43, Reply)

I wouldn't normally say my parents lied to me but...
...thinking about it, in the mid 80s when hair gel and spikey haircuts were all the rage, I really wanted to fit in. Of course, my mom being a bit 'right-on' would cut my hair so I had little chance of ever being popular at the age of 10.

After pleading and pleading and pleading for some hair gel, I was told that it would make my hair fall out and if I wanted to keep it, I shouldn't have any. So I never did.

If you've ever met me, you'll see that at the age of 26, I'm almost completely bald, having lost most of it by the age of 23.
( whelkboy is old now, you see, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 15:43, Reply)

When I was little
the bread man came round in his van, and it had a little chime jingle much like an ice cream van. Whenever the ice cream van came on our road my mum would tell me that it was the bread man and he was just playing a different tune today. I always wondered why the other kids on the street were so excited about the bread man.
( Evil|berT is posting post-hummusly, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 15:41, Reply)

Lovely Liver
When I was a child I hated liver, but absolutely loved chocolate sponge pudding, so to get me to eat this crap people call food, my mum would mash chocolate pudding and liver together.

They recently told me they did this every wednesday night until I was 10.

And people wonder why they found them under the patio.
(monsta, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 15:40, Reply)

This actually makes me giggle thinking 'bout it
I once saw a condom advert on TV and asked my mum "what's that?" and my mum said "it's to protect your willy"

she didn't say what it protects it from...

I mean.. how do I know it doesn't protect it from the french infaltry or rogue hornets? Hehe...
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 15:39, Reply)

I was lied to many a time...
My dad speaks chinese....
He was the north Yorkshire under-14's chess champion....
The waldorfs in a waldorf salad come from the legendary "waldord tree" of which there is only one..........
After talking to my dad about the Blue song (where they confess to their love of Mother's Pride) he told me that loving bakery products was traditional in music and that Led Zepplin had a song called "Mmm, Warburtons, lovely and fresh". This was about 3 months ago, and I believed him...........
(Robbvayne, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 15:19, Reply)

it all comes flooding back
when iwas very young, i saw a used condom lying in the gutter, when i asked what it was i was told that it was a poison trap left by the IRA, I left it well alone after that
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 14:56, Reply)

for some peculiar eason
I drank vinegar straight from the bottle, in copious amounts
My mum told me it made your blood go thin, so i stopped
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 14:46, Reply)

OK, one more:
When I was a kid, one of my best friends moved away. I was devastated, and would sit on the front porch of their empty house and cry. One day, I discovered that their pet cat stayed behind, and I quickly became attached to it. I screamed and cried and begged my parents to let me keep it, and at first they relented. However, one day my father said to me that the cat could not stay here, and that he would bring it to the precinct (he was a policeman) as a mascot. I was thrilled! It was revealed me years later that the cat never made it to his workplace; he took the cat and threw it out the car window on the busy expressway into New York City. Needless to say, that still bugs me today.
(King of Teh Internets wants to give you babies, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 14:32, Reply)

This one always stuck with me...
When I was ten or so, I needed to talk to Mom about something, and she and Dad were nowhere to be found. I thought I'd try their bedroom, and barged in. My father had his pants around his ankles, and my Mom was leaning over his midsection. After they shouted, "Get the hell out of here!" and I ran, my Mom told me that my father had a large, painful pimple that needed to be "popped" down there. Perfectly plausible then, and a hilarious excuse today.
(King of Teh Internets wants to give you babies, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 14:25, Reply)

I'm the parent in this story
When my daughter was a young teen, she and some friends often taunted a neighbor woman with calling her old, beat-up, turquoise tank-of-a-car a "nerd-mobile." This apparently upset the woman, who showed up at my door one evening to complain. Quite pathetically, she sobbed and whined while expressing how cruel my daughter and her friends were, as she was unable to afford a nicer vehicle. Being the apathetic person I am, I scoffed with much disdain, telling the woman to grow up and stop getting offended by the antics of children. However, because I was subjected to the likes of this pathetic woman crying on my porch, I decided punishment was in store for my daughter when she returned home.

Later that evening, I detailed the scenario with much disgust to my young daughter, as if I were scolding her for her cruel tauntings. Being the great antagonist I am, I explained her punishment for name-calling and causing the woman to cry would be riding to school in the nerd-mobile every morning for a week. I let her suffer with that thought for quite some time, while she cried, begged, and promised to do anything I wanted if I wouldn't force such humiliation on her.

At last, I could hold back the laughter no longer and admitted the punishment was all a joke. Ahhh, sweet revenge... Only a parent can understand and appreciate the delicious satisfaction of such retribution. ~
( Ophillia does the fire dance, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 14:15, Reply)

On a biscuity theme....
my parents used to give me a biscuit. when i asked if i could have two, they said yes then turned around broke the biscuit in two and gave it back to me. I was happy. I was gullible.
(nogber, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 13:55, Reply)

Not really a lie, but bloody confusing non the less...
My parents, like many others tended to refer to their friends as "Aunty/Uncle" whatever, which meant I ended up thinking I had quite an extended family. I remember the conversation I had with my elder brothers when I was about 15 where I went through a list of "aunties" and discovered that I only actually had one.

I'm not usually that gullible either.
(Strawp, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 13:42, Reply)

My nan once told me...
that i should always wash my hands after touching her fish. This was because if i touched my face i would get scales.
(ejit90, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 12:51, Reply)

Horse whisperer?
When I was young, my mom told me if you blew up a horses nostrils, it was horse for "let's be friends" and the horse would straight away be docile and allow me to ride it.

When I was older, I tried it. The horse sneezed all over me, and ran off. I was NOT impressed!
(Snitter the Rat, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 11:55, Reply)

when i was about...
3 i used to love eating pies. one day i was having my pie when my mom called me into the bedroom to make me explain the mess in her room, when i came back, my pie had gone!. was sulked for hours and hour, heck, my dad got me another pie, but still i dont know what was between me and that particular pie. in the end, dad fessed up. :P
(gutman (saver of fishes!), Sun 18 Jan 2004, 11:09, Reply)

Gerbils
I once had two gerbils, a girl and a boy. As you could probably guess, the had about 25 - 50 babies a year. You could also probably guess that my dad wasn't particularly happy about trying to find 'Warm, loving homes' for each and every one of them, as i always insisted he do (i was about 7 at the time). Eventually, after bad experiences after the first year and a half, these lovely black gerbils strangely disappeared. My dad told me that they had gone to a happy place in the sky where gerbils can have as many babies as they wish. It was only at the age of 13 that i found out that my dad has drowned my much - loved gerbils in the river near my house. I can still feel the pain.
(superficialfilter, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 10:05, Reply)

Mum told me one
When twin and I were kids, she told us if you digged deep enough in the garden, you'd get all the way to China.
And that in Australia everyone walked on their heads.

Hehe, I remember digging the rosebush up....mum wasn't best pleased.

And she also said the dentist doesn't hurt..which is why I'm now high on Vicodin :)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 9:04, Reply)

Bastards..
My mum always told me, that if i ate the pips from an apple, a tree would start to grow out of the top of my head. I believed this for years, and always threw the apple core away. I didn't think about this for ages, until one day, I saw a man walking towards me, with quite clearly a small tree growing out of his head. I remembered what my Mum had said and then realised, he had it in a backpack. I'm a twunt. I think I was about 17.
( 5olly, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 8:30, Reply)

Insane Satanic Kitten
When I was 4 I had a cat named Patches that was insane & posessed by the devil & tried to kill everyone including me... I still have deep scars on my hands & head to prove it. One day he "disappeared"... Of course my parents told me he ran away, and it wasn't 'til 14 years later I learned the truth.
My mom had trapped it in a large coffee tin and brought it out into the woods to shoot it. When she shot at it the lid flew off, and the cat wasn't dead. She had shot off it's tail and it came running at her and violently attacked her leg. A friend of the family was walking by and saw this so he ran over and held the cat down with his boot, took the rifle and fired it into the cat's head 3 times point-blank executioner style.
I was 18 when I learned this story and still (14 years later) it makes me shudder. My mom is the kindest, gentlest woman you've ever met, but she still gets a nasty gleam in her eye when she talks about "that fucking posessed cat I had to shoot"...
( CaptainKirk, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 5:48, Reply)

Rubber Gum
My best friend's little brother found some of his dad's condoms one day. Their dad couldn't make up anything on the spot, so my friend told him that it was alcoholic gum and he shouldn't mess with it because alcohol is for adults. Well, you know how defiant kids are. I'm just glad the little tyke wasn't alergic to latex, seeing as how in that case it would have been a "food allergy".
( WhiteDevil has finally put in a siggy., Sun 18 Jan 2004, 5:29, Reply)

haggis....
i was always told that a haggis was a furry creature that lives in Scotland. It had one leg longer than the other, so it could run around mountains eating thistles and whatnot. The way you catch a haggis is to scare it, so it turns around and falls down the mountainside (due to it's different leg lengths) and the it lands in nets.
I hate my dad
( viperrr mostly comes out at night, mostly, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 4:01, Reply)

My father
Once told my cousin James he was born with a tail and my grandmother had it kept in a wooden box in her room. He bought a racoon tail at the county fair and showed it to my cousin, telling him it was his. I wonder what happened to him. Poor Kid
My mother told me if I ate too much ketchup, I'd die, so I ate a whole bottle full and nothing happened.
My father told me if i did't go to bed, he'd sell me to the make-up companies to test products on. I was afraid of lipstick for years after that, I recall making my sister taste it before I'd put it on.
I also recall being afraid of sheep, one tried to eat my dress at the petting zoo. My dad told me it was cause' the sheep was drunk off of Woolite and sheep are mean drunks.
(La Chockita, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 2:45, Reply)

There's a specific law against dropping fresh dog poo on people's heads from a tree
...but it's ok if the poo is old and dry.
(the Pete, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 2:30, Reply)

my parents used to say...
first off, my dad was really the the only lying parent (my mom won't even lie about the santa thing - she just changed the subject) However, he never lied about the regular things, but he DID do some pretty evil things to me and my brother.

First off, when we were babies and there was a REALLY loud, annoying toy, he would take it, take the batteries out, and when we tried to make it talk or whatever, he'd say "Oops, broken."

Second, one day when he was three my little bro randomly asked him "Daddy, what does gullible mean?"
Naturally, my dad answered "Smart and handsome"
For the longest time, when anyone called him gullible, he said "Yup, smart and handsome!"

Finally, whenever my little bro and I wouldn't play with our toys (new ones), wouldnt put toys away, or were just being little snots he would threaten us with a big, green bag that he would use to throw away our toys.

Not sure if this one counts as a lie or not. When my little brother wouldn't get up (my dad didn't pick on me too often... I think...), he would threaten him with icecubes down the back of his shirt. Only had to do it once.
(DragonTycoon, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 1:21, Reply)

Father Christmas
I once set up a Father Christmas Alarm so that I could meet him. Yards and yards of fine (nigh-on invisible) wire strung around the room, tied to something noisy balanced on the edge of a table. I was very annoyed with my Mum for setting it off before Father Christmas had visited.
(the Pete, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 1:09, Reply)