1st time I met my girlfriend's parents
there was a barrage of intense questioning within seconds of arriving

"Have you slept with Julie yet?"
"Do you treat her with respect in the bedroom?"
"Are you ever selfish in bed with her?"
"Have you ever had anal sex with Julie?"
etc.

Once they had answered my questions, I agreed to go in and have dinner with them.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:38, Reply)

Brother's Missus
Came to visit my parents for the first time.
She was an American exchange student at the time... Now she's married and living in the UK with my Bro... I digress

My brother drives a minivan (station-wagon-van-version a "Mr Bean Car" for you americans) with warp-speed abilities, and like evey male member of my family has learn to navigate the winding and awesome roads of Wales at a pace that would make Captain Pickard get wood.

They arrived in the manner to which we are accustomed (can be heard coming half a mile off, and upon arrival the smell of hot brakes greets us) and My brother's Missus steps out to greet my parent for the first time.

Dad: Hi *bear hug*, Was the journey here nice?
She: I dont know: I had my eyes closed. Dammit, my fanny is REALLY sore.
Mum: *chokes on coffee*
Dad: *wets himself laughing*
Brother: Erm, 'Fanny' means 'Bum' in the US guys.
Mum: Ahhhh. I seeee.
Dad: *gasping for breath* Oh. So... not what I was thinking then?
*brother and myself loose it and collpapse in laughter*

Guess you had to be there really....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 20 May 2005, 8:50, Reply)

keeping it in the family...
Just after going through the post-coming out 'shag anything that moves' phase, I started seeing this lad fairly regularly. His parents were away one night, getting back the next morning, so i went over. No worries, we were both out, his parents were fine with it.

After a very pleasant evening, next morning his parents arrive, his mum was lovely, we chatted for ages about this and that. "X's dad will be in in a minute, he's just unpacking the car". So he walks in, and he fumbles the camping stuff he's loaded with. It did look awkward to carry, but might have been more to do with the fact I'd shagged him about 3 months previously after chatting to him for all of 5 minutes on gaydar.

And he was waaaay dirtier than his son.
(jeed, Mon 23 May 2005, 17:03, Reply)

Taxi!
I'd been seeing my then girlfriend for some months and had managed to avoid meeting her parents. We were alone in the house and had been getting up to some teenage fumblings when it was time to go home.

I went to call a cab but the missus insisted she did. Got in the cab and was asked the usual small talk by mr driver such as what you been up to, did you have a nice time.

Of course I answered 'fucking right' and went into detail of how dirty she was, how I was only using her for sex (I was an obnoxious arse) and even offered 'you can have a sniff if you like!' (A very obnoxious arse)

Finally got home and asked him how much do I owe you and he said 'nothing, just keep the fuck away from my daughter, as I now know where you live.'

How I was I to know her dad was a cabbie?
(Let's all have an asbo, Mon 23 May 2005, 8:51, Reply)

Walking down the street,
we were confronted by a very drunk, very loud and sweary Irishman staggering towards us down the other side of the street. Thinking I was being very clever and most amusing I say to her "That's your Dad, that is."

It was.
( FatherJack /me belms, Sun 22 May 2005, 17:24, Reply)

I don't like you, but I'm dating you as I hate my family
My heritage is Sri Lankan(though I'm born and live in Australia), so I'm a 6 foot tall black man.

Dating this girl a couple of times, she asks me to pick her up at her parents place.

I knock and the door and it's opened my teenager guy with a skin head. Now considering I also shave my head I think nothing of it. He looks at me strangely when I tell him I'm here to pick up Kate, but let's me in.

Cue walking into a lounge room with a Nazi Flag hung up over the mantelpiece. Cue apopolectic rage from the middleaged skin head father. Cue him getting a baseball bat and chasing me down the street.

Found out later that that she also was a racist bitch, but managed to contain her disgust as her family had pissed her off, and this was the best revenge she could think of.
(Kaer, Fri 20 May 2005, 1:51, Reply)

It's very dark in here.....
It was always going to be a bit awkward. My parents don’t say a lot at the best of times, and hardly leave the house much these days. The girl I had been seeing for the last week or so was absolutely terrified, and was always moaning. I know that a week isn’t that long, but I knew that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. The starter and main coarse pasted without a word uttered between them. I tried to lighten the atmosphere by tucking my penis between my legs and singing “I’m a lady, I’m a lady”. My Man-gina dancing did nothing to help. My parents just sat there slumped in their chairs, staring into space, and my girl just would’nt sit still, always squirming about on her seat. I asked my dad what he thought of my “bird”. He just buried his head in his desert. Always the drinker! My Mum was fine, till the dog snapped off her arm, then my girl started to cry and pissed herself. Disaster! I didn’t think it could get any worse, then police turned up. Untied and un-gagged my girl, and took my parents rotten corpses away. Oh how WE laugh about it now! Don’t WE? No, WE don’t. I do. Yes, but you’re a little odd. God, my teeth are itchy.
(goes back to drawing perfect circles in human excrement)
(Jeeves, Tue 24 May 2005, 16:29, Reply)

Vandross
"What's this shit?" I asked on hearing some crime against music coming out of the speakers at my future in-laws' place.

"My mother's favourite album."

Ah.

"So, where is the old trout then?"

"Behind you."

Ah.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 23 May 2005, 0:13, Reply)

She violated me on an oily stage
I used to DJ at a local late-licence pub in town, and it was only the second time I'd met her mother. Her Mum's birthday. It also happened to be Halloween that particular friday night so I'm in drag, Morticia Addams style. The gf had a very `Modern` relationship with her mum and had bought her a vibrator for her birthday, which was in her handbag.

I need to get something out of my bag under the table, and as I'm rummaging around her Mum turns the plastic percy on full blast and rams it a full inch into my arsehole through my tights, pants and miniskirt.

Being a bit surprised by this , I quickly stand up, twat my head on the table (which had the CD players on), the music skips and the entire dancefloor turn towards me to see her Mum holding the vibe in the air in a victory salute, and me rubbing my head and pulling my kecks from deep within me at the same time.

At least she bought me a beer.
(FiftyFour, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:22, Reply)

Doh
Many years ago I somehow managed to land myself a new girlfriend, an utterly gorgeous red haired Irish lass. Christ knows what she saw in me.

Anyhows, did the whole meet-the-parents thing over sunday lunch at their place. Her mother was also great looking, and at one point jokingly said that if she could live her life again she'd work as a high-class call girl.

What I meant to say in response to this was something along the lines of "you are certainly very attractive and look high-class".

What actually came out was "you look the sort".

Cue shocked silence all round, glares so intense I thought my skin would burst into flames, and inevitable dumping by g/f before I'd even left the house.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:15, Reply)

Ultimate Nightmare
Imagine this - you meet a good looking, well proportioned girl in a well known (think MOSS but shorter) club. You and girl leave club very drunk. You go back to what you think is her flat and drink more. Girl gets frisky and starts nodding dog routine on your naughty bits. You and girl get totally naked. Girls parents walk into room. Girls father goes balistic, mother starts crying. Father phones police, grabs you round the neck. Mother shouts at girl that she'd ruined her weekend. Between blows to the body from father you ascertain that girl is not old enough to be in club and only 1 day old enough for nooky, the flat is not theirs but a friends they've borrowed while in London. Police arrive. Father and you taken into custody for assault.

Now is that the way to meet the parents or what?
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:01, Reply)

The stuff nightmares are made of...
Went to meet the long distance girlfriend's parents and her mother had made a huge dinner for us. I arrived just in time as she was serving it up, I put my coat on the back of my seat and started 'charming' the new found inlaws. The mother was polite and chatty but the father remained rather quiet with an aggitated look on his face which I put down to protective father syndrome. It was only once they both started clearing away the dishes that I noticed the shiny packet of ribbed condoms that had fallen out of my jacket and was sitting in full view of where the father was sat.

To this day I ask myself why ribbed!?!? The least I could have done was buy sensitive, caring condoms that said 'yes, we are having sex, but it's part of a loving, meaningful relationship'. Instead of condoms that said 'These might make your little angel cum a little harder'

Took a while for him to warm to me, but we got there.
(josephus42, Sat 21 May 2005, 9:57, Reply)

First meeting with french in-laws I was galantly carrying all the luggage
for me and the missus. This caused me to stumble when going in for the gallic kiss on the cheek and soundly headbutt her mother.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 May 2005, 17:19, Reply)

Poo stain
After seeing a girl for a few weeks when I was sixteen, she told me that her parents were away for the night. So after a club, and drunk, we went back to hers, did some monkey style fucking, then fell asleep in her mum and dads bed.
At 5am their car pulled up in the drive. Frantically getting dressed in the dark, I managed to get my shit together just in time and escape through the back door before they saw me.
Only after the three mile walk home, when I went for a shower, did I find that I'd picked up and put on a pair of her dad's pants instead of my own, and that they were painted on the inside with the most enormous skidmark I've ever seen. And it wasn't mine.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:47, Reply)

Drunk is not a good way to do it...
I'd been with the current Mrs Jimlad for a few weeks when talk of meeting her parents started. Thankfully what I thought at the time to be the ideal opportunity arose: Her dad's birthday was the same as my best mate's and they were going to the same pub to celebrate. Great, no having to make bullshit conversation in a drab sitting room, I thought. What I hadn't banked on was already being bollocksed before her parents even turned up (we'd gone to the pub straight from work, they turned up late evening). So being a pissed up fool I'm discussing Mrs Jimlad's tits with my mate and have just reeled off, in a typically loud drunken voice, "I tell you what mate, they were huge to begin with but since she's gone on the pill I swear they're even bigger" - accompanied, ofcourse, with the internationally recognised hand gesture to depict a pair of stupendous swinging melons. I think you can guess where this is going now but it was worse than you think. For some ungodly reason my mate chose this moment to invent and sing a song called "Norks A'grande!" featuring my name, the missus's name and the majestic wonderment of her tits. Then came the bit you've been expecting: I get whirled round by a red-faced missus to meet her mum and dad while I'm still doing the internationally recognised hand gesture for a pair of huge funbags and my mate's singing some nonsense about "suffocating in her pillowy delights".

They've never mentioned it (the girlfriend has though, repeatedly) and I hold on to the slim hope that they were too drunk to remember it.

Still, 3 years and counting.... perhaps they were impressed by the song....
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:54, Reply)

Oh my.....
www.b3ta.com/questions/dating/post16674/

Here we go again (the scars never heal...)

Back in the day when I was a young, free, single, pisshead I pulled this girl in my local and ended up going back to hers. Much alcohol had been imbibed so we got down to it right there on her front room floor. Clothes scattered everywhere, sweaty, drunken monkey-sex. Fantastic. Rather than face a cold walk home ('Twas January) I gratefully accept her offer to stay the night and off to bed we go.
We wake the next afternoon somewhat fuzzy headed and bollock naked in her bed. She starts pestering me to go downstairs to feed the cats, get the milk in and make a cup of tea (this was a sign of things to come, read on...). I protest saying that it's freezing cold, I'm stark naked and my clothes are all downstairs on her front room floor. Eventually, with the promise of more hanky panky on my return, she persuades me to trek downstairs. To cover my nakedness I grab the only item of clothing I can see - a black dress. She started smirking when I put it on but I didn't care. The sight of a six-foot guy with a shaved head in a little black dress may be funny but I was getting some when I got back.
Anyway, I find the kitchen and feed the cats and walk off to the front door to get the milk, stopping only to put my boots on on the way (it was January and my feet were freezing). I open the door and bend down for the milk when I hear something behind me. I turn around just in time to see my new lover running towards me with a grin on her face and have just enough time to register that she has cum in her hair from last night before she shoves me full force onto the icy pavement and shuts the door. It's freezing cold, I'm wearing a dress and my boots and hammering on the door to be let in and I can hear her giggling behind the door like it's the funniest joke ever. This went on for about 5 minutes before a car pulled up and I suddenly remember her saying last night that she had to be up in time to cook dinner because her parents were coming round. I stop hammering and tell her her folks are here but she thinks it's a ruse. Until she hears her dad, suddenly confronted by a cross-dressing skinhead kicking his daughter's door down, bellow "what the hell are you doing?". The door flies open and I get introduced to what would become my girlfriend's mum and dad while I'm wearing a dress and combat boots. I thought it couldn't get any worse till her mum breezed passed me and said "Rhian, is that semen in your hair?"

Amazingly we lasted a year but her parents did call me Gaylord for the entire duration in reference to Ben Stiller's character in 'Meet The Parents'. Then this happened....
www.b3ta.com/questions/revenge/post9623
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:34, Reply)

Nice ass...
So there I am, a rather nervous young teenager in the home of his girlfriend. We're cuddling on the couch and you can tell each smile and touch is held disapprovingly by her parents.

They don't like the amount of time we're spending in the house (read : her bedroom) and suggest we go for a walk. My girlfriend walks out of the room to get coats and gloves from the closet under the stairs.

After a few minutes I get up and go find her, to see her bent over, digging something out of the closet. Never being one to miss such an invite, I grabbed her ass and squeezed. "Hey there sexy" I said.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend had gone upstairs to the toilet and it was her mother whose ass I now had in my hand.

Lets just say I don't think she was best pleased.

We never exchanged a word about it, but from that day forward there was a definate "mood" between us and the relationship didn't last much longer.

Certainly not the best way to impress the old folks.
(PrinceMong, Tue 24 May 2005, 17:27, Reply)

Scrabble
Second time I met her folks, sitting round after dinner having a game of Scrabble with her dad, the Brigadier.

Guess who couldn't resist the 40+ points for 'QUIM' on a triple word score, thus dishing out a humiliating defeat and reminding him what I was about to do to his daughter.
(BPM, Tue 24 May 2005, 14:13, Reply)

"Do you know what I like about you?"
... her dad asked me.
"What's that then?"
"Absolutely nothing."
( teedyay, Mon 23 May 2005, 13:21, Reply)

when i first met the parents, i was wrenching my way out of the mom's vaginal crevace. it was a rather painful experience for her, judging from the sounds of the screams, but i thinks she got used to me after a while. then, i was slapped on my bum and i met my dad. good times....
( droogii why stay still when you can roll, Mon 23 May 2005, 1:13, Reply)

Snip-Snip-slice
Holding a conversation with my (now Ex) girlfriend's 'Auntie' without letting my eyes wonder too much was one of the most un-nerving and difficult expericences I've ever had.

Bearing in mind that 'Auntie' is Genetically GF's Father: He had a FULL sex-change 3 years previously.

Not a word of a lie. I'm absoloutly serious.

It's the first time (and hopefully the last) that I've found myself thinking "I wonder what her Dad's pussy looks like"
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 19 May 2005, 15:27, Reply)

Not so much the parents...
...but my wife had a 4 year old son when I started seeing her. The first night I stayed over I got out of the shower to be greeted by a squeaky voice saying "you've got a big willy".

First (and last) time anybody has said that, shame it is only big in comparison to a 4 year olds!
(highlordzarj, Wed 25 May 2005, 11:05, Reply)

meet the landlord

A slightly deviation here (from the question and for at least one of the characters) but my story involves meeting the landlord.

Going home drunk with a new girlfriend (horsey Sevenoaks set) I left her in her bedroom while I popped down the corridor to use the toilet.

On return I opened the door of her now darkened room, tiptoed across the carpet and slipped into her bed. It was only when I draped a seductive arm across her broad, hairy shoulders that I realised my fatal error. A voice that could only have belonged to Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served whispered "I can't be completely sure, sweetheart, but i think you might have the wrong room!".
"Jesus!" I said, "I'm so sorry.."
"Don't worry about it darling" he replied, "you're the third one this month".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:06, Reply)

If only I'd forgotten the punchline......
The first time I met my gf parents, we had a cracking piss up, got absolutely ratted then started telling jokes. They were getting progressively nearer the knuckle so I thought it safe to tell her Dad my favourite (the one: "Did you hear the one about the SS Commandant?" then as they say "NO" you slap them around the head and shout "Liar" in your best Jerry accent), firstly I kncoked her Dad off his seat, secondly I had completely forgotten that they were Jewish.....I have not been invited round since.
(ray bentos, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:33, Reply)

laugh I nearly chuckled
My now girlfriend, being of the ditzy and confused variety, met my parents and brother with the now immortal line " pleased to meet you, my best friend married
a chuckle brother" cue stunned silence.

She has no explanation to this day for this outburst.

Apparently it was the taller one.
(Fordprefect, Sun 22 May 2005, 16:39, Reply)

I'm SO ALONE
(beemoh, Thu 19 May 2005, 22:34, Reply)

Haha, nearly forgot
My last long term gf (4 years) handed me her mobile at the first New Years party we had attended together. Being very drunk and high I shouted into it "Happy new year motherfucker!!!" She turned pale and said: "That was my Dad, calling to wish us a happy new year."

The next year, we were at another party and I got a call on my phone from a number I didn't recognise. Without thinking, I answered it in my usual style, "Happy new year motherfucker!!!" only to be greeted by a pause and her mother's voice asking if her daughter was there.

How's that for a double whammy? Needless to say, I still haven't learned my lesson.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 May 2005, 18:09, Reply)

My then-boyfriend...
...had already met my parents, and so was to be introduced to my gran. Gentile conversation ensued, until Gran says:

"I had a lovely tit in my bush yesterday"

*cue puce-faced subdued giggling*

Gran doesn't quite get the joke, carries on

"Yes, it was after my nuts"

*roar and roll on floor*

Non sequitur, anyone?
(clapper, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:05, Reply)

This Is Gonna Be Tough
How the hell can I spin one of my tales and still have at least a nodding relationship with the bloody topic?

/ponders
Ha! got it!
/ponders

Right - I'm stretching the definition of the QOTW a bit so work with me on this one. Pedants and jobsworths can kiss my arse. Don't like it, don't vote for me.

In the 80's I was working in a market town in Northumberland on robotics research. The mob I worked with were all trippy-hippy techies and musicians. A very talented bunch if a bit weird. Near to where we worked was a place called "The Pastures" - part of the Duke of Northumberland's estate and a favourite place of ours for drunken midnight rambles.

This one night, we'd finished late and headed off to the local pub where we rammed down several beers. Three of the lads also swallowed a couple of handfuls of magic mushrooms - I passed as I was never too happy with stuff that left me feeling out of control - and at closing time we decided to go for a wander through The Pastures. One guy, we'll call him Simon, was totally off his tits on shrooms and was experiencing very vivid hallucinations and was getting increasingly paranoid. As we walked, me trying to calm Simon and the others trying to wind him up, we spotted a few year old bullocks sleeping quietly near some trees. When Simon saw them he just freaked! Thinking they were some sort of terrible fire-breathing monster (steam from their breath) he shrieked and took off like Paula Radcliff needing a shit. He tore off up the hill and over a rise.

"Bollocks" says me. "Lets go and find the silly cunt before he does himself and injury."

So me and the other tripping hippies set off at a gentle jog up the hill where Simon had disappeared over. As we approached the summit we heard a wailing scream of "SHIIIITTTTTT!!!!" followed by a rumbling noise and Simon appeared over the brow of the hill, screaming his head off and ploughed through us with his little arms and legs going like a fiddlers elbow.

"What the fuck????" I said.

And then we met the parents.

Over the brow of the hill came the biggest, ugliest and maddest herd of cows I've ever seen accompanied by a very pissed off bull! We were about 20 yards from the summit when they burst over the rise and charged towards us. I nearly crapped myself. We starburst into different directions and legged it as fast as we could into the darkness...

I remain, as usual,
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:12, Reply)

Pr0n - alleluia
Started going out with girl midway through uni term, things going well, regular frottage and fun and got to the "i love you" stage pretty quickly. End of term, help her to tidy room and pack stuff (college whores out rooms to corporate conferences every chance it gets). While doing so, we find a leftover from the last conference occupant down the back of her chest of drawers - a full-colour and completely uncensored catalogue of clothing, devices and reading/viewing material from the 'Private Shop' down Cowley Road. Much giggling.

At which point steps on stairs and a cheery hello announce the arrival of her parents, who (she had already warned me) were pretty strict christian types. Catalogue hastily shoved into cardboard box, safely out of sight.

Meet parents - manly handshake for father, chaste kiss on cheek for mother - all going well. Helpful boyfriend picks up cardboard box, which in a way I still fail to understand self-destructs entirely, dropping all contents onto floor.

Catalogue lands at feet of prospective mother-in-law, open at a page showing a raddled plastic-titted porn star recieving a cum bath while still being dp'ed by two massive veiny throbsticks. Silence. Just fucking silence. Parents leave room, carrying token item each to car. I burst out laughing, gf bursts into tears.

Despite this things eventually recovered and, reader, I married her.

I have a very small cock, so this is the best length you'll get.
(testmeuk, Fri 20 May 2005, 10:43, Reply)