Party time
I was horribly shy as a young teenager, particularly around girls. I must have been about 14 or 15 when I was in the hairdresser's, having my hair cut by a pretty girl, and therefore speechless with shyness. At one point though she asked me if I was having a party. I was a bit surprised that she'd try this as a conversational opener, but I plucked up my courage and replied, explaining that yes, I was having a Halloween party next week, and (blush, sweat) she could come if she liked. "No", she said, "are you having a parting?" I could never go back to that barber's again.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:05, 8 replies)

Shameless pearost
My sister and nephew came to visit me when I was a student in the fair city of Stirling. I took them to the obligatory visit to Stirling Castle, and we walked from the town centre to the top of the hill upon which the castle looms. My nephew was only five at the time, and found this rather a trek. My sister and I kept encouraging him saying "We'll soon be there!" and "You'll see the castle soon!" and "It's an amazing castle, you'll love it!"

When we got to the top of the hill, you see the great courtyard and behind that the restored splendour of the castle itself, with its elaborate facade with gargoyles and sinister looking mythical creatures. My nephew burst into tears.

"Oh, oh, what's wrong?" I asked, all concerned.

Sobs, tears. "I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOUNCY CASTLE!"
(McChinaman banned, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 7:07, 3 replies)

Central line to Epping
In Essex, elocution and pronunciation can be marred by the vernacular and accent. Anyway, as i was gassing with a pretty brunette i asked her if she was looking forward to the weekend. She replied that the weekend starts with anal. Assuming this forward unexpected statement was an invitation to a friendly flirty banter, I added well up the bum, no babies. She looked stunned and fell silent. we spent the rest of the journey together feeling uncomfortable, not knowing where we stood with each other, such an abrupt crash in our conversation made the silence echo in the sunny tube train.

she got off at hainault
(englishwineguy, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 21:03, 2 replies)

There's a health centre in Edinburgh which contains two GP practices: the Green Practice, and the Blue Practice.
A pharmacist of my acquaintance had an immigrant from Glasgow in looking for his prescription, which should have been sent to the pharmacy from the health centre.

"Are you with the Green side or the Blue side?" my friend asked, in total innocence.

The weegie was apoplectic. "You don't fucking ask that question," he said. "You don't ask that question."
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Fri 29 Aug 2014, 19:51, 2 replies)

I was once in a small toy shop in Scarborough...
when a woman walked in and asked the kindly old lady behind the counter if she sold swimming rings. The old lady (who must have been around 70) looked slightly shocked at the request and informed the would be customer that it was "not that kind of establishment and to try the place just down the road."

Now at this point I had just passed quite a large selection of swimming rings, so realizing that there must be some confusion I of course did what anybody would do in that situation.

I hid and watched.

The rest of the conversation is permanently imbued on my brain to the point where it still occasionally makes me laugh at random moments. It went like this:

Customer: But you're a toy shop

Little old woman: Yes dear, but we only do children's toys. The place down the road is very good though.

Customer: What?

Little old woman: Oh yes. Me and my husband are there all the time. They do all sorts of things like what you're after. I was wanting one too, but Frank says the ceiling wouldn't be strong enough in our bedroom.

Customer: Sorry, what are you talking about? I just want a swimming ring for my son

At this point the old lady went bright red with embarrassment, and said quite possibly the greatest two sentences I have ever heard uttered by a pensioner.

"Oh...swimming rings. I thought you said Rimming Swings"
( Furness, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 23:31, 4 replies)

'S' is for...
When I left school, I pretty much walked straight into an IT operator job at a firm down the road. Completely new at it and was responsible for removing printouts, distributing overnight reports, fixing mice and replacing parts etc etc etc.

One of the tasks involved ringing up suppliers when computers had broken and this was my first attempt. Upon instruction, I duly ran off to the purchasing department for a P.O., filled it in and then got myself on the phone.

Operator: 'Hello, XYZ computers...'
Me: 'Hi, can I order a replacement Hard Drive for a failed machine..'
Operator: 'Certainly, can you tell me the make and model?'
Me: 'Yes, it's a WD blah blah blah'.
Operator: 'OK, can I take a P.O. number?'
Me: 'Yes, that's S456567'.
Operator: 'Is that S for sugar'?
Me: 'Sorry, I don't know what it stands for....'

What a cock.
(paraprod, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 10:47, 5 replies)

Had to deal with someone who'd made up their own NATO alphabet
The NATO alphabet was designed to be unambiguous and easy to pronounce by non-native English speakers, over bad radio connections. Hers made would have made no sense to twins standing face-to-face.

Spelling her postcode over the phone, "Right, that's E as in Eye..."
( chthonic, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 21:25, 20 replies)

At one point I shared a house with two Canadian girls.
One morning they were both looking worse for wear and informed us that 'It would be a long time before they were double fisting again'.

It was about a week of powerful lesbian imagery before we learnt that 'double fisting' is in fact Canadian for 'drinking two bottles of beer at the same time, one in each hand'.

:(
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 15:27, 5 replies)

I can't remember if this is a repost
but a while ago I was telling my 4 year old daughter how continental types often kiss each other on the cheek 2 or 3 times. She thought this was very amusing, but it caused a problem when I had friends over the following week, and she said "daddy let's do that French kissing you taught me".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 13:53, 26 replies)

Sorry for chatting, I'm English
I found a curious stall at Camden Market that sold keyrings with insects embedded in a clear resin. Mostly tropical species so I bought a Scorpion. After paying I foolishly said that whoever made the trinkets must be brave because some of the creatures were dangerous.
Without the slightest pause and with a heavy Malasian accent the guy screamed at me "BUT THEY ALL DEAD!!!"
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 14:18, 4 replies)

Silence in Court!
I used to know a guy that worked for a firm of Agricultural Engineers , they sold tractors , farm machinery etc They also did repairs and sold spare parts. His job was to travel around the district in a big van calling on farmers who needed spare parts, baler twine, fencing equipment and the like. One day he called upon a customer who greeted him with words to the effect “Oh god am I glad to see you today! I am in big trouble with your firm, I forgot to pay my bills and now they are going to take me to court! “ My friend said “Eh? What do you mean ’taking you to court?” “Well” said the anxious farmer “ I got a letter this morning from them , a ‘Courthouse reminder’ . No way do I want to go to court over it, come into the house and I will make you a cheque out straight away!” So Mr. Parts man followed the farmer into the farmhouse. He asked to see the letter, He read it. It began “Dear Mr. ********, With regard to your account : This is a courteous reminder.
(LittleOwl, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 10:20, 7 replies)

Apologies in advance
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.....


" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 10:02, 8 replies)

Further proof

(Albert Marshmal|ow Having a lovely holiday and I can prove it, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 20:37, 3 replies)

What was that address again?
A group of people from many different countries were discussing the different habits in various places, mainly those concerning pubs and drinking. A girl from Canada turned to me and said, "And of course in Britain they serve beer with head, don't they?"

Mine's a pint, then.

Yours will probably be quite a bit less...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:50, Reply)

Marriage saved by cloth eared child
Back when my eldest child was still young, I took it for a walk around the park. Whilst there, I made note of the fine posterior of a lady jogger who passed me. I did so quietly, so she'd not know I was a filthy perv.

Unfortunately my child heard me but fortunately, he had a limited vocabulary.

Later on, the missus asked me whether something odd had been happening in our local park. It seems that the little one told her that daddy had seen a "Nice Horse" when they were out.

Marital bullets dodged: +1
(csdaveuk, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:36, 17 replies)

Spitting
Five year old daughter came home from school to tell me that a man in a tracksuit had been in the playground at lunchtime teaching them spitting.

Cue an angry telephone call to the headteacher, who calmly explained that the man in question was a football coach, and he had been teaching dribbling.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 8:23, Reply)

The lucky Holly Tree.
Ian, who is a mate of mine works in Hollywood as a gaffer. Sounds really glamorous - traveling the world and hob-nobbing with the stars. Reality is apparently a tad different. 4am. starts in all weather and long nights bumping out/packing up. Shit food for the crew and the daily grind of having to work with jumped up little egomaniacs who have no concept of social niceties.

Sometimes though there are moments and jobs that make it worthwhile. One of his most recent jobs during last Christmas was a good example - he was working on set in a rom-com based around Christmas and lesbians starring Amber Heard. Who apparently is going through another of her "bi" phases. Her current shag is a young lady who is trying to make a break into the industry and also a co-star. Her name is Caroline Under.

Whilst at the Christmas/wrap party an eager young makeup artist approached Ian as he's enjoying a drink or 52 and purred into his ear that
"Now would be a great time for a kiss." Ian assures me that he was protesting the fact that he was married with children and reckons he asked her
"What makes you say that?". She points at the fake Holly tree they're standing under and says "This is the holly that Miss Heard and Miss Under stood when they shared their kiss in the movie."
(spl00sh!, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 10:18, 7 replies)

You won't believe where I am now.

(Albert Marshmal|ow Having a lovely holiday and I can prove it, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 20:14, 6 replies)

Arsehole titties
So...there was a TV chef show on in the background, a french sauce-related expert, (roux or blanc, I forget).

Context is key.

"Have you checked arsehole titties?" He asked.

Keep saying it in a French accent till you get it. Or not, if you have other stuff to get on with.
(Countryslicker, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 17:04, 4 replies)

When I was 18, I got my first job in a pub
After a few nights, I was starting to get the hang of it. Then this guy came in and said, "have you got any Flowers?"

What a retard, I thought. I looked around the bar, just to be sure. "There's a woman who comes in at about 9 most evenings, selling roses," I offered, promptly sealing my fate as the village idiot barmaid for the next 2 months...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 12:13, 39 replies)

Ta-Dah!!
Whilst making my way home from work, my very tired (not drunk, just knackered) brain saw a fast-food place advertising 'Chips with Pizzazz!'. As I'm trying to imagine chips with glitter and dancing girls and wondering whether I should try this, an exasperated neuron pointed out that it said 'Pizzas!' and that I was a twat. I concurred and went home. I would say I lived happily ever after, but that's not happened yet...
(thebadangel, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 20:42, 1 reply)

My wife's sister thought that kids went trickle treating on October 31st
She also just found out that teachers don't actually have "Insect Days"

She's 23
( Peej, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:43, 13 replies)

Circle Line pub crawl.
Ever done it?
Turns out the pubs closest to tube stations on the circle line leave quite a bit to be desired.
We got about 10 pubs round, and were feeling less than enthused with carrying on.
"Fuck this", we decide, "let's go to Camden, get a bottle of vodka, drink it and go to a disco!"
So were walking up from Mornington Crescent with a bottle of vodka, but no mixer. Couldn't find a corner shop or mini-market anywhere, so Lee, bless him, decides to ask someone.
He ends up asking a six and a half foot rasta " Excuse me, but do you know where could get some coke?"
"Come with me, boys!" He says, and walks off...right past a newsagents.
You should have seen his face when we explained!
"Piss taking fucking cunts", I'm sure I heard him mutter under his breath as he strode off...
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:57, 2 replies)

Shagrihardon
Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooo SWEETEEZE!!!!!!

Many long Gallifreyan years ago, when I was in one of my male incarnations, I was quite perverted. I used to visit all the fleshpots of the universe to indulge my sordid tastes: Florana, Thoros Beta, Varos, Spaceworld, Dulkis (don’t believe their oh so innocent PR – those Dulcians are filthy cunts), Maraphash, the Jap’s Eye of Orion, pre-Federation Peladon, Chipping Sodbury – you name it, I went there and fucked myself empty there.

Anyway anyway, one time I found myself in Deltaphok Spaceport, waiting for my TARDIS to finish rebloxulating its pedestrian infrastructure. I had some hours to kill, so I went to the spaceport bar – a seedy place, albeit with a great view of the arriving and departing ships. It was shabby, like a 1990s Terran hotel, all grey carpets, steel tubing, glass-topped tables (which could be turned to – interesting uses, if you get my drift), blue lighting, dusty blinds, and dead moths in the windowsills.

As I sat there nursing my pint of lukewarm Space Stella and watching the to-ings and fro-ings of the various life-forms, I noticed a female humanoid at the bar, sitting delectably on a barstool and twiddling with the straws in her fantastically precarious-looking cocktail. Although my juices were spent from weeks of sexual activity, I felt my Time Lord cock stirring at the sight of this frisky, foxsome female.

She was tall and skinny and wore great big shiny black boots, fishnet tights, and a skirt so short it looked more like a pussy pelmet. On her top half she wore a psychedelic shimmering multicoloured T-Shirt and a leather biker jacket. Her hair – her HAIR! – was a cataclysmic explosion of every colour under the sun, fashioned in the popular Spragnalla style. Facially, she resembled a hot sexy sizzling cross between Pris off of out of Blade Runner, Lady Gaga, and Joanna Lumley.

No WONDER my Time Lord cock was boinging away nineteen to the dozen! (I sometimes miss my cock. But then I remember I have tits. Lovely, small – but pert – tits).

I had to, HAD to, HADDD to speak to this tartilicious vision of pulchritudinous phwoarness. And so I downed the remainder of my Space Stella, left my table and approached the bar.

‘Hello,’ I said. ‘I am Doctor Skagra. I am a Time Lord. I want to sleep with you. Now!’ (I don’t believe in faffing and farting around).

‘Oooh you’re a bit fast!’ shrilled the gorgeous creature. ‘Buy us a drink first, you cunt.’

Charmed by her forthright manner, I bought her another Taran Motherfucker cocktail, which she started to slurp greedily through a straw. I but could but not but help imagine those lips around the end of my Time Lord cock, sucking and sucking and slobbering and sucking until I went all off over her face, hair and tits.

‘What’s your name?’ I asked.

‘Shagrihardon,’ she replied, between slurps of Taran Motherfucker.

‘That’s an interesting name,’ I said.

‘Huh.’ She swallowed the dregs of the Taran Motherfucker. ‘So you wanna fuck me?’

My Time Lord boner was now as hard as a milk bottle. ‘Very much,’ I gasped.

‘Well it’s your lucky night, cunt, cos I could do with a right good fuckerage. Your place or mine?’

My TARDIS was out of bounds – the rebloxulating would take at least another ten hours. ‘Yours.’

She pouted and looked disappointed. ‘Oh. Well. OK but, you have to know, I live with my mum – so we’ll have to be quiet.’

‘That’s fine with me, Shagrihardon,’ I said, and we walked hand in hand from the bar and took a taxi back to her mum’s place in the seedy residential area beneath the spaceport. With feline stealth Shagrihardon unlocked the front door and we crept upstairs past the living-room where we could hear Shagrihardon’s mum watching some shite soap space opera.

Well not to put too fine a point of it, mere seconds after entering her room, I was entering Shagrihardon. She was bouncing on the end of my Time Lord cock like a thing possessed! It was the best sex I’d had for a long while and my hearts were hammering away like buggery.

But during our throes of ecstasy, suddenly a bellowing voice!

‘Shagrihardon!’

It was her mum, calling from downstairs!

We kept it up, trying to block out the intrusion.

‘SHAGRIHARDON! Your tea’s ready!’

Shagrihardon kept bouncing up and down on my Time Lord cock, her face a mask of combined concentration and frustration.

‘SHAGRIHARDON!’ bellowed the voice again.

The evening went rapidly downhill from there.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 21:18, 18 replies)

When in America...
I stepped outside to smoke a fag.
( arsefez is back, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:43, 25 replies)

I got a rolex last week
from the lesbians who live next door.

I guess they misheard when I said I wanna watch.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 8:29, 5 replies)

True Story
One of our co-workers was disciplined at work when porn was found in his internet cache. This was a real surprise, as he was 63 and didn't seem that type. His explanation was he'd been searching for a wedding gift for his wife, and genuinely had no idea that "pearl necklace" had different connotations on the internet.

This became an office meme for two years until he retired. When he walked past anyone's desk, us witty lot would turn to each other and loudly say things like "I was surfing on the internet a while ago and innocently typed in 'rampant horny dwarf scat pics' ... imagine my surprise ...' etc.
(jrd, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 21:46, Reply)

I live in Glasgow.
I can't understand a word that any of the cunts say.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 20:08, 10 replies)

Naive GF
Christmas dinner last year, after all the turkey had been nommed, and the Xmas pud laid to rest, my darling girlfriend loudly said " I'd best clean all this, it looks like a glory hole".

I had to take her away from sniggering family members and friends to explain what a glory hole actually was.

She was oddly quiet for a few hours.....

Bless.

Noosey.
(Noosepeg Muff punched your grandma, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 18:17, 13 replies)

She's an onion
When my daughter was six, she came home from school singing 'Stand up, stand up for Jesus' as they'd learnt it that day.

I told her she must have misheard - it wasn't Jesus, it was cheeses. And so it stayed.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 18:12, 8 replies)