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Rachelswipe says: My niece - after months of begging - was finally allowed to get a hamster, and her grandfather was utterly horrified to learn that it had been called "Nipples", a pretty good name for a pet if you ask us. Alas, it was only the more mundane "Nibbles" - what have you misheard or misunderstood, with truly hilarious consequences?
( , Thu 28 Aug 2014, 21:35)
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I must have misunderstood the part where they deleted yet another thread about it.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 17:13, 98 replies)
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No-one was even vaguely impressed. :(
In fact, it turned out that the actual level of wealth I had was completely irrelevant; what mattered was being a total douche bag about it.
Maybe someone here ought to learn this lesson.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 17:20, closed)
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I expect everyone to be about as impressed.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 17:57, closed)
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and I'll even let you look at my bum.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:56, closed)
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It's a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 17:24, closed)
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and make up stories about how my imaginary children are having a lovely time
But I'm definitely not mental.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 17:48, closed)
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:/
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 17:53, closed)
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He clearly boarded one of his own fleet of aircraft, which he bought to fly around his property portfolio and on which he's allowed to use wifi all the time, because the cabins are clad with special pizza-oven bricks so it doesn't interfere with the instruments or owt.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 18:33, closed)
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After all ... it's not like he was demonstrably still in the UK a week after having announced his exciting departure.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 18:44, closed)
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Yes, Albert's been shown to be more of a pitiful fantasist than we already knew, and it's clear that you are wetting yourself with glee over it. But that's only because of a quite disturbing level of creepy and obsessive stalking, which seems to be becoming your MO.
Take a look at yourself.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 18:47, closed)
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But hey ... if sending a single gaz message with a traceable link and relying on him being profoundly stupid counts as obsessive stalking in your books then I'll just have to live with the terrible shame of disapproval from a sock puppet. If ... if ... if I could just stop this sobbing ... I'd ... I'd cuddle my children. Who aren't imaginary. Or stuck in a shopping mall in Florida. Sob.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 18:51, closed)
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You've even managed to out creep Albert with your l33thax3r sleuthing "trace" on him. Quite what you pull out of the bag when your kids bring their schoolfriends round is anyone's guess mate, but I imagine it'll be cameras in the toilet at the very least.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 18:58, closed)
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Or are you confusing your Cliff Richards calender with the mirror?
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:00, closed)
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A calender is apparently a machine in which cloth or paper is pressed by rollers to glaze or smooth it
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:43, closed)
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the holes are too small to put your dick in unless-
i have disgusted myself
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 21:27, closed)
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You seem to have gone totally Ahab here mate, is this guy your White Whale?
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:47, closed)
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if it wasn't for fine B3tans such as him going that extra yard we might have had to tolerate the usual QOTW drabness. It's Albert who honda accords the forum in the first place with unrelated lookatme, so I reckon saying that checking his IP location is stalky is a bit strong.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 6:47, closed)
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After all, "Florida" is often mistaken for a pleasant holiday destination, even by USian "spring breakers", wealthy Brits and people going AWOL from various military forces and detention facilities
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 18:29, closed)
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apart from the horrific sleazy old surveyor at the delano who was at a surveyors' conference and who was horrific and sleazy. he got talking to my friend about currency exchanges, oh great, now we're stuck with him. a bit later and a bit drunker, he's talking to my other friend about the upcoming election (this was 2008 so everyone was wondering if obama would get in). a lot later and a lot drunker, i somehow get him blabbering on about how he lost 200lbs and his wife still won't sleep with him, so he'd hired 2 hookers and shockingly they had drugged him and nicked his wallet and watch.
clearly having learned his lesson from this experience, he then asked me how much for "an english fourway" with us, offered $200 each (what a fucking insult), and then blurted out, word for word, "so do you girls shave your pussies? or is it true that all english girls are like sherwood forest down there?"
i hope albert enjoys this business trip more than that one...
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:40, closed)
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And you drugged some poor bloke and nicked his wallet and watch?
SHAME ON YOU!
:(
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:43, closed)
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I'd say it was a moral duty.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:45, closed)
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do you think he'd turn down $200 to bang his Shepherds Bush against the drooping skinfolds of a lonely salesman?
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:45, closed)
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but he enjoyed winding everyone up by pretending to believe it was real.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:48, closed)
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Posting photographs of a retirement swamp from your hotel balcony is more than a double-bluff wind up. That's proper bonkers.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:51, closed)
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he probably lives somewhere depressingly normal and boring and does a depressingly normal and boring job with a depressing and normal wife
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:52, closed)
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He's either a genuine dullwitted property developer who holidays in a swamp. Or he's a deluded fantasist who genuinely wishes he was a dullwitted property developer who holidays in a swamp. Anything else is no fun at all.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:54, closed)
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for once - and this is genuinely a one time only thing - i hope you are right
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:11, closed)
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Save trouble all round.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:12, closed)
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i solemnly declare that i believe that he has convinced himself of everything he types
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:16, closed)
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A surveyors' conference? That's not one you want to walk into by accident.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:48, closed)
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we didn't know that when we walked in and saw what we thought were lots of nice attractive men.
we soon realised.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:49, closed)
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( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:52, closed)
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( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:52, closed)
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Where's Basingstoke? Because that's proper fucking grim.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:53, closed)
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To be honest, everything west of the M25 is either airport, unpleasant but unavoidable business parks, or the slow road to Devon and Cornwall.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:03, closed)
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I live in a city rather than a retirement village.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:08, closed)
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You're out pretty much every night?
What sat in the pub typing on your phone like some kind of Marshmallow saddo? I suppose you're 'out on the town' right now?
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:12, closed)
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And no ... I'm at home now. It's barely 8 o'clock. I realise that's ovaltine and bed time down there in sleepy dullshire.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:14, closed)
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A fat 40 something consultant rocking it with the students down at the corn exchange. You're my inspiration.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:35, closed)
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I'm off to a gig tomorrow though. Shall I put it in the calendar?
I'm sorry that your life is already over but some of us are still quite enjoying ours.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 23:18, closed)
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Can we have a photo of the 'gig' and for no reason whatsoever a picture of a Wednesday's newspaper in the shot.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 6:59, closed)
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( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 8:07, closed)
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( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 8:58, closed)
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www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/03/the-case-for-fortysomething-festival-goers
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:03, closed)
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But then I'm not going to brag to a messageboard about all the cool gigs I got to because I'm not 14.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:11, closed)
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and we both know that you never go out in London anyway so your theoretical proximity is entirely academic
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:17, closed)
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when you go down to play the O2 with your rock band?
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:24, closed)
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really dunno where you're going with this given that you've already whimpered that gigs are for the yoof
It may come as a shock but it's not actually much fun for me to watch a real person getting upset online. Why are you doing this to yourself?
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:29, closed)
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So upset I didn't have to post a guardian article about how it's 'cool' to be having a mid-life crisis.
And I am yoof, you tragic old man.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 10:22, closed)
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no wonder you're so up tight
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 11:07, closed)
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And you do, for a moment when you close your eyes, at a Phil Collins concert.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 11:39, closed)
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I'm not a prematurely old dullard trapped in the commuter belt.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 12:51, closed)
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while you pretend go out and party with the cool kids to complete the Marshmallow-style illusion.
You two are so much more alike than either of you are prepared to admit.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 21:00, closed)
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It's so dull not living under the constant fear of being stabbed when going out to the pub.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:02, closed)
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Didn't want to upset you by reminding you there was a world outside the bland commuter belt.
( , Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:07, closed)
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Well maybe it seems like it if 19 year old grunge twats from Eton are who you try and emulate.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:03, closed)
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at least when swipe does this stuff it's obvious banter ... you seem genuinely upset
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:15, closed)
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Would seem to be a shame for anyone to devote their entire waking existence to a small part of it, wouldn't it?
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:28, closed)
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and it will be like it never happened.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 10:26, closed)
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you can go on airboats in florida too. they are quite fun. although this one time, an alligator came up really close to the side of the boat, and it stared me out like a motherfucker, i KNOW it was thinking bad thoughts.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 12:53, closed)
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I don't know if this is a standard Floridian greeting or the opening gambit in sexual role playing. They're pretty cool though.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 13:05, closed)
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although I may have made that up
I did once sit around a camp fire with a warthog whilst eating roast warthog.
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 14:00, closed)
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( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 13:47, closed)
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I know she isn't in that one but
( , Wed 3 Sep 2014, 14:08, closed)
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