missing, presumed divorced
Apparently according to the cold hearted life-force sucker I was married to up until last month I am devoid of the body parts necessary for intimacy and adult conversation. She was told this by Oprah Winfrey and Dr Phil repeatedly.
(rodgerroop, Mon 5 Jun 2006, 12:13, Reply)

Missing body parts
So far- just my appendix- no funny stories save for the old fingers up bum when i couldnt think it could get any worse... ps dont put hot water bottle on the area of appendix becasue its 'just wind and will go away'- fucking parents- its not wind and in doing that it will CERTAINLY NOT go away! agony

My friend has lost a breast tho- tragic- especially as he is MALE! A growth hormone imbalance when young meant that he grew a boob when he was bout 13- just the one, mind, he wasnt greedy- oh how we laughed! had it lopped and is now breast free and has normal man chestyness
(Keyser Soze, Mon 5 Jun 2006, 11:20, Reply)

I heard...
This bloke at work-bit of a bullshitter claims his brother had both knee caps cut off but can now use both legs fine. I don't believe that. Surely his legs will bend both ways now?! what are the purpose of knee caps?!?And btw Thank you veyr much b3tans. My first exam is on Friday and am I revising like a good girl on a monday morning????Nooooo! because you funny cnuts keep posting more and better stories.Thank you so much.
(TheSadisticThespian, Mon 5 Jun 2006, 11:12, Reply)

A couple of good tips...
I've managed to cut the tip of a finger off...twice. Once was kind of reasonble the other was stupid.

The second time I did it at furniture college, brushing some irritating little off-cuts away from the circular saw blade. I didn't let them irritate me after that. Not too bad once I'd calmed down, but my Saturday job at a builders' merchants wasn't much fun for a couple of months.

The first time was when I was working in kitchen as a Saturday job when I was in the 6th form. Now I'm very careful with knives, they are sharp and can cut you, but when one of the waitresses was told to tie her hair back and the ribbon was too long, I failed to take adequate procautions. I used a little serrated Kitchen Devil which snagged on the ribbon and somehow cut the tip of my middle finger off my left hand. I had time to see the little round tip land on the worktop before the blood started to pour. I saw the funny side ten minutes later as I sat in the office with my hand over my head (to help stem the flow) as it was wrapped in blood-soaked cotton wool and blue kitchen plasters. It looked like I was giving a massive red, white and blue finger to the World in general.

Aah, I'd do anything to get a smile from the waitresses in those days...still got a little scar there as the sodding cotton wool got stuck in the wound and the finger-print didn't grow back.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 5 Jun 2006, 10:49, Reply)

Skin from the waist down

I was in the fitter’s workshop changing some bearings or other when in rushed Wee Johnny McEwan the smallest and dodgyish pieces eating Scottish fitter you'll ever meet. He proceeded to remove his overalls and sprint as fast as his little legs would carry him into the toilets/changing rooms. It was then that a strange eggish sort of smell filled the air. Thinking this must be some sort of hideous trouser filling incident I turned round to see smoke coming from his discarded overalls, upon further inspection and a subtle boot I found his overalls were slowly disintegrating leaving a nice little concave dome in the concrete floor. Being a nosey git I went into the toilets to find Wee John in one of the ablution fountains with an Indian operator holding down the foot pedal and John frantically washing large bits of blistered and burnt skin off his legs off with water. It transpires that to carry out some work on one of the furnaces John needed to isolate the oil feed to the plant; valve height approximately 7ft, now to a six foot fitter no problem. To a four foot six sweaty sock some form of elevation device was required. This took the form of an inconspicuous blue plastic lidded barrel which completely unbeknown to John contained the etching acid for the piston pins we used to make and sell. So up jumped John, stood on the plastic lid which with its inability to hold a small Scotsman gave way immersing him up to at least the waist with acid. Funnily enough shortly after this incident all of the acids were kept in a locked bund wall container and there was talk of a drench shower. The whisper was that John settled on a six figure sum out of court and went on to be a trolley collector at the local Sainsbury’s. Working in this sort of environment people regularly lose fingers or finger tips because they "link out" the safety devices on machines, we had eyes lost and even a pair of feet! but to lose all that skin below the waist without being Jewish? Thank god I'm a desk jockey now!





** Its long and thin, but that’s only because I'm a tight fisted wanker!**
(The Hooded Fishfinger, Mon 5 Jun 2006, 8:12, Reply)

Rearranged!
There's a few bits missing from that which i call 'me'. But not to worry, i know where the pesky fuckers are! They've migrated to other parts of my body.
For the first 12 years of my merry life I was the champion guinea pig for Manchester Royal Dental School. And was the lucky contestant that bore the brunt of many things they 'just wanted to try out'. My favourite of which was to remove chunks of bone from my hip, break the front of my upper jaw away from the rest of the skull, and insert the pillaged bone fragments into the gap... to correct an underbite that would eventually cause my teeth to wear down.
Unfortuanatley this messed with my gums somewhat, and also stretched the nerves, meaning my back teeth developed the amusing tendancy to 'pop' out, and fly free and elegantly into the world (or into the face of my maths teacher, in one memorable moment). Sadly this wasn't a repeatable stunt, as once a tooth comes out, it stays out... so now i've exhausted my reserves of comedy calcium cameo's, and at the tender age of 24 have a rediculous number of false teeth.
Me and the tooth fairy happen to be on 1st name terms now by the way, jeffrey says hi.
( Shiodome has realised numbers in names aren't cool., Mon 5 Jun 2006, 4:23, Reply)

Quite a few things
I've had 4 teeth removed just so I could wear a brace for 2 years - that was painful. I'm also missing the second toe on my left foot, they removed it when I was about 6 months old because it was too big and had no nail - freaky I know. Also had a lump on my left shin removed, just below my knee, looked like I had 2 knees and left a cool scar that I like to show off. The lump was just fatty stuff though, nothing interesting.

Also my dad took the end of his middle finger off at work, they managed to sew it back on and although this was about 20 years ago it still looks weird.
(wench, Mon 5 Jun 2006, 2:32, Reply)

As a teenager, my dad was a bit of a chemistry whizz
- and being a teenager, he turned this knowledge to the making of bombs and guns.

So one evening he was in the shed stuffing volatile chemicals down a piece of copper pipe when it blew up, taking half his left hand with it. Now he's only got a thumb, forefinger and weird little stumpy middle finger, all bent round and claw-like. And it's got a square patch of body hair on it where he had a skin graft from his stomach. But he can wedge a beer can into it, so that's alright.

The next door neighbour found two of his fingers by the bin the next day. Did she give them back? Oh, no. She put them in the bin.
(primate, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 22:56, Reply)

My wife....

...lost her penis.



Sorry, it's probably already done but you wankers post too many stories for me to read.

No, fuck you.

TAXI!
(unclehunty, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 22:07, Reply)

Martial Arts
I'm entering a San Shou (full contact kung fu, think Muy Thai but with a few pads) tournament in August, and I've heard a few horror stories.

The only one about losing something is this: every competitor has to wear a groin guard, whose technology has improved over time. Back when they weren't so good, they were made of brittle plasic and one, on receiving a ferocious kick, split down the middle. The razor sharp fracture line went right through the wearer's scrot and cut his testicle off, which apparently then fell onto the floor of the ring.

Ouch.
(Mr_Jums, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 21:55, Reply)

Lack of balls!
In my friends street theres 2 guys with as total of one testicle between them , one apparently managed to hack at his scrotum (while very young) using some sharp object and damage his testciles to extent where neither of his nadgers were savable! the other being an inquizzative young chap was having a "twiddle" as my friends mam put it and managed to get them tangled causing one to "pop" the road they live on has been renamed many a time Noble Street been my fave!
(oxfam-glamour-model, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 21:21, Reply)

My missing bits.
I have not got any:

1: tonsils. I had to have them out in an emergency thanks to my tonsillitis that my retarded GP kept feeding my antibiotics for developed into quinsy and glandular fever and I got rather rapidly taken to A&E with a partially obstructed airway (which is classed as a generally bad thing by we medical professionals) and a temperature of 104F. Also bad. I saw some fantastic hallucinations though!

2: 4 teeth. removed due to an overcrowded jaw. Will have to have 4 wisdom teeth out soon.

3: Cyst in my right leg. Done under local anaesthetic and I now have an odd herniation there which sticks out. Funky, mind you.

4: Right thumbnail (it has now grown back) after breaking it trying to open a bottle of beer.

5: Nearly lost my foreskin thanks to a nasty zipper/penis interaction.

On my travels as a paramedic, I have seen virtually everything amputated. I think the most impressive was the bloke who sliced both his legs and his left arm off with a machete. Then started decapitating himself. Oddly, he was not that alive....another example of care in the community.

(PS: Emadex have you looked at www.bwts.org? I reckon the humour would appeal to you...ah it seems that it does. Fantastic!)
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 4 Jun 2006, 19:01, Reply)

Explosives are dangerous kids.
Not me, my brother again.

First and second degree burns from playing with gunpowder. Also the loss of all facial hair and a Brother Cadfeal haircut.
Result? He had a very startled expression on his face until all the hair grew back, similar to Beaker of the Muppets.
His hair did grow back, which was unfortunate, since he's ginger.

I went to see him in hospital and nearly pissed myself laughing.

Length/girth? Enough to keep me happy.
(Le Grenouille, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 17:36, Reply)

Ewww....
A few cases I have seen as a paramedic:

21 year old female fell through plate glass window and amongst other injuries she sliced off her right nipple. I asked where it was and she opened her mouth to show me she had been protecting it with her saliva. Reattached but apparently with loss of sensitivity.

Male cyclist vs car – cyclist bit through the front third of his tongue severing it. I found it on the road (he was unconscious). It was reattached and I suspect it screwed up his taste buds and ability to French kiss or give oral. Tragic indeed.

Torn scrotum and severed testicle on man who kicked a police dog. The police dog did the severing. Luckily the dog didn’t swallow.

Many “deglovings” - I hate these. This is where (for example) an unrestrained child suddenly goes through a windscreen causing the scalp/head skin/facial skin to be removed/skinned/peeled as it goes through the glass. (Seatbelt your kids please.)

A psychiatric patient who deliberately cut off his ear with a razor and on my arrival was holding it to the TV speaker. Sewn back on under protest.

A bikie chick who lost a leg – her partner was equally injured in the same accident but there was a happy ending. He gave up his outlaw bikie lifestyle, married her and now loves to crack jokes about their coital efforts. His favourite line is “C’mon baby, spread your leg!” Lovely people.

Only been to one intentional decapitation – severed by a train and no, they didn’t sew it back on. Train driver near lost his mind, poor bastard.

Total loss of all skin on a burns patient (suicide) who had 100% 3rd degree (full thickness) burns. Really strange appearance. Hard to describe. Died of course, but not straight away, and he did talk to me for a brief time which was a bit unnerving.

And then you get the 'real emergency' cases such as the young lady who phoned 000 (911/999) for a broken fingernail. I needed counselling after the trauma of that one...


Heaps more, but that’s enough length for now. Unless of course you want to sew it back on.

(edit: Undercovercarrot - thanks, loved the link!)
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 16:58, Reply)

Tales of loss..
My Uncle removed half his hand cutting up wood on a vertical band saw - basically the blade went in between his index finger and wedding ring finger, and went through everything up to his wrist. He found that it had certain advantages - he could dry really thin glasses and could also bowl a cricket ball a lot better than he could before the accident. The Grandfather clock he was making at the time is stained a dark red - blood that we varnished in full respect...

I have a dent in my forehead that runs from top to bottom; I was running through the office when I was on night shift to answer a phone, and I ran into the edge of a steel door. They found me at 7am, semi concious on the floor, face covered in blood.

Oh, and when we were OFSTED'ed last year, I was doing my lesson in front of the inspector and all of a sudden the dull throb I though was from a dodgy sandwich suddenly turned unbelieve-ably painfull, causing me to double on the floor in the lesson. My appendix had decided to split! Off to hospital and immediate surgery. I got a "good" for all parts of the lesson.
(gjb006, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 16:35, Reply)

now you see it...........................
i lost a part of me inside my wife once....then it reappeared....then disappeared....then reappeared....then reappeared....etc....etc....etc!

this happens with alarming regularity.

length + girth = fun, fun, fun!!
(a_monkey_on_a_mission, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 14:48, Reply)

Friend of a friend and so on
I can only half remember this but I'll impart what I can.....

The son of an old friend of mine was/is a motorcycling speed freak. Inevitably he crashed one day going far too fast round a corner and spent many weeks in intensive care.

Apparently, as well as multiple internal injuries and broken bones, the impact killed one of the muscles in his leg (is that even possible?) and now has a fused ankle joint.

I'll never understand why anyone rides motorbikes.
(KeithManiac, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 14:02, Reply)

I'm missing part of my brain

Sadly, it's the part that comes up with witty comments to put here.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 12:59, Reply)

you wouldn't think a wooden deckchair was so sharp
when i was 5 years old i decided to re-enact Benny Hill's "collapsing deckchair" stunt.

I gripped the side of the chair as it closed and the sides of the deckchair acted like big wooden scissors and sliced my little finger in half, lengthwise. ow.
(SuperDuperCooper, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 12:14, Reply)

I got attacked
by this dodgy fucker that lived next door to my dads flat. it later turned out that he's a smack-pushing paedophile, but that's peripheral to my story. i was on the balcony outside my dads flat, when this guy comes hurtling out of the darkness (bear in mind i was 17 at the time) and lamps me one in the face, goes ape to attack me, then shoves me off of a second floor balcony.

luckily, my dads flat was right next to a stairwell, and the only thing which stopped me dying was catching onto the lower stairwell with one hand. thats fucking scary. so i hauled myself back onto these stairs, and ran back up to find this guy attacking my dad, who at the time was suffering from liver cancer (RIP), and the pair of them hanging off the edge of the balcony. not just hanging off, but them only staying on by the back of my dads knees hanging onto the last unbroken slat of wooden fence along this balcony.

had my dad not just been in great peril, the guy would have experienced the feeling of the meat cleaver i was running along with, but deciding saving my dad was much better, i ran over, and pulled up both fully grown men by this guys hair. sweet.

he slinked off, and my dad got me to hospital, where i had lost two pints of blood, two front teeth, both lips split, and a fucking huge crack up the front side of my skull. i can't thank the guy who fixed me up enough, getting up at midnight from south london to come all the way to romford to help out a busted up kid? champion of the world, mate.

now i have fake teeth, which glow under uv light. and the guy who attacked me can no longer walk. *cough*

and just for sheer trophy, i have about three square inches of this guys scalp, complete with lank unwashed paedo hair, in a fucking bag. hardcore!

apologies for length and girth, but you love it, you filthy, filthy slut you.
(fantomex, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 10:30, Reply)

thatblokeoverthere
Yes I do know someone without a spleen.
My cousin was hit by a car being driven by an off duty policeman. He had to have his spleen removed but I don't know what the doctors did with it afterwards. It now means he shouldn't have pets (they have 4 cats and one dog) and there's certain countries he's not allowed to visit due to him not being able to fight off any infections
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 10:29, Reply)

I'm missing...
First, I'm missing various fragments of my teeth. Seeing
pieces of your teeth, covered in blood, fall into a
napkin place around your neck (bib?) is not fun. Nor is
not being able to eat anything that isn't room
temperature for a week.

Also, I'm missing a tooth in a rather odd way. I waseating jelly-bellies at the time (like five at the time) and I notice after a bit of a while that one of them is very, very hard. I try to bite it, nearly chipping a tooth, and then nearly swallow it when I realise something's not right. I spit out a tooth, split in two. Lovely way to ruin an appetite.

Lastly, I'm almost missing an eye. One day in the shitty intro to photography class, I was in the darkroom mixing the scary acids (98% acetic acid) when all of a sudden some idiot gets the bright idea to splash it. Onto my face. Que "OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITWATERWATERWATERFUCKINGRETARD". Luckily, the stuff that splashed up had already been diltued and didn't do any damage.
(donkey, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 9:13, Reply)

i was working with my dads mates
me and norm got to this job and there was blood splattered allover the floor. so we arsks wat happened porky had just been taken to hospital missing a thumb. shiit. so theres a bit of skin sitting on the evil chopsaw. flicked the skin off the chopsaw. wait a minute skin doesnt make a clunk but bone does. shit
(fwack bang on it, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 8:47, Reply)

Blood spattered
Last year, after recurring bouts of tonsillitis my GP got me booked in to hospital to have them removed along with my adenoids (a bit daunting even for a bloke in his thirties).
Anyhoo - I go into surgery and all appears well except for the fact I can taste blood for quite some time after waking up. After a few hours and being checked on a couple of times it was decided that a doctor needed to examine me properly as it appeared one of my tonsil wounds had not been properly closed.
By now I was feeling pretty woozey so i was wheelchaired into a small room where the doc had me open my mouth so he could stick one of those big lolly stick things on my tongue and have a good look.
By this time however, I'd swallowed about 2 pints of my own blood and it had begun to curdle, the lolly stick caused an instant gag reaction and the doctor was standing right in front of me as a healthy spray of undigested blood went all over him, much of it in his face.
At this point I was beginning to go into shock from the blood-loss so 6 hours after coming out of surgery they were wheeling me back in there - 3 days in hospital for a fucking tonsillectomy.
( Twizla ...a shrew living on the edge of a bog, extinct on, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 2:21, Reply)

thatblokeoverthere
I know a kid who lost his spleen. Landed his bike at a bad angle and the handlebars went into his torso and ruptured his spleen. He had it removed, but I don't think it effects him other than he has to take some kind of antibiotic or something daily to do whatever the spleen is meant to do.
(Daveh, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 2:09, Reply)

Hair.

I've been visibly losing my hair since age 16 or so, which led to my growing it long in high school. I'm 28 now, I don't mind being bald, and people are even occasionally inclined to rub my head, which is nice.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 1:53, Reply)

my boss had a motorcycle accident
he broke his arm and....


ripped of a bollock *sicks at the thought*
( SiX and his hat, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 0:53, Reply)

tinypod...
[anyone who isn't tinypod can check out www.b3ta.com/questions/missingbodyparts/post56257/ if you want to know what I'm talking about - if not, the next post is just below this one]

..."Don't know how he lost it, whether it affects him or anything really, nor whether he would respond to a poster."

I dunno, it could be some kind of taboo. The poster was a bit suggestive after all - almost indicative that you'd go into the quack saying "Well, it's not me but a mate, y'see, and he's got ney spleen..."

Maybe your mate Nobby has come to terms with it, and is determined to change our perception. Doing his bit for the spleenily (?) challenged and that. Good man.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Sat 3 Jun 2006, 22:55, Reply)

Bacon slicer...
...I used to work in a butchers and once I agreed to a bet to stick my cock in the bacon slicer.
I didn't damage my cock much and found the experience actually very pleasant, but I got caught by the boss and he sacked me.

Mind you, the bacon slicer was his 16 year old daughter.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 3 Jun 2006, 19:25, Reply)

Chewy McChewerson
about 4 months back i was at a house party and feeling kinda bored...bored and stoopid. My mate informs me that he can get hold of some MDMA through a guy who normally sells us weed (I'm not a regular hard drug abuser, but ya know, when the time is right and all that..).

Me and my mate go in £10 each for half a G of the dirty brown powder, and do our halves in a bomb each.

an hour later i'm at the after-party at some other guys flat, sittin on the stairs buzzing my chops off with my mate, listening to some seriously dark drum n bass, when said mate happens to point out that my lips have ballooned to 3 times their normal size. Unknown to me, i've been gurning and frantically chewing the shit out of my tongue and lips for the last half hour. At first i was worried about the huge lippage, but when i went into the bathroom and examined my tongue in the mirror i found that i had chewed a huge chunk out of the bottom of it, which i can assure you was not pleasant over the next week or so.

I still have the dent to this day, but now it's lovely and scarred over.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Sat 3 Jun 2006, 16:01, Reply)