New years day 2008.
Woke up covered in mud with £2.34 in loose change in my bra. Vague recollections of inappropriate behaviour on a mini roundabout. Am pretty sure I'm banned from Wiltshire.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 16:41, 9 replies)

only realised I'd done it when I got home
2 beautifully carved hollow stone hearts from a medieval pub.
They look great on the mantlepiece, but a constant reminder that alcohol leads to crime and crime can sometimes pay.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 16:27, Reply)

13mm Spanners
So in college 10ish years ago I realized that a 13mm spanner would remove the nuts at the back of road signs.

Hence every morning over the next week the house would awake to stop signs, lane signs, directions, school ahead etc everything we could pretty much would end up on our kitchen floor.

We quickly grew bored though with this though this was small fry stuff easily stolen and hidden. There was no challenge... Until we decided to go big!

Just down the road was the sign welcoming visitors to our "gateway city passageway to yada yada yada" it was 15 foot by 10 foot but we decided after a night out it could be done... no it HAD to be done.

So we attacked it, my housemate and I attacking it with 2 spanners. After maybe 10 mins we had removed the lot, last few were awkward as we didn't think of the whole weight resting on a few bolts but hey we're students and only learning!

We learned another lesson that night. When you are robbing something make sure the item fits in your front door... or any door.

Our prize is now at the bottom of a river or slowly making its way along the bottom to the Atlantic Ocean.
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 16:04, 4 replies)

Lemon Tree
It was a tree that Smelt of lemons, not actually a lemon tree.. that is all.
(Shamelesspendant Better dead then smeg., Thu 26 Apr 2012, 16:02, Reply)

I once woke up on a pallet in the middle of a field in mid Wales...
...with my jeans pulled down, a dog asleep beside me, a cold curry butty on a plate on the ground and bloke having a shit nearby.

I wasn't at a festival, or anything. I don't know how I got there.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:58, 13 replies)

Tarrant
I once awoke to find a life-size cardboard effigy of Chris Tarrant looming over me that I had apparently stolen from Mcdonalds during their 'Who wants to be a millionaire' free burger glory days...

It was reported in the local press several days later under the headline:

"TV Chris Gets Carried Away"

I beat him to pieces in a fit of rage a few months later.
(wrigglesworth, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:56, 5 replies)

Pea roast of wanton thievery.
Traffic island bollards (you know white and yellow, about 3 foot high, blue arrow to tell you which side to drive).

I fancied one for my room and aware of road works nearby where said items had been spotted waiting to be installed some days earlier. Gather friends, discuss plan: park up, grab item, bundle in boot, leave: easy.

Turn up around midnight only to discover that roadworks are now complete and bollards very much attached to traffic island..."Not to worry chaps, back in a mo'" announces Rab C and he totters off under the bright street lights gathering momentum like a wildebeest crossing the vast savannah as we bear witness to the sight of a man rugby tackling a traffic bollard removing it almost completely unscathed from its concrete bed before returning with it and depositing it in the boot of the car all in full sight of passing traffic.

Stunned silence followed by uncontrollable laughter followed by nervous drive home followed by parental query as to why part of the tax payers local infrastructure is cluttering up the garage.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:54, Reply)

Not mine but relevant
This was on the news this morning.
tinyurl.com/7uxvec8

"They only realised what had happened on their drunken night of revelry when they woke to find the fairy penguin in their apartment the next morning".
Now that's a night out
p.s.
it's not I love horses
p.p.s
to find the story I simply binged (you heard it here first) 'welshmen penguins' you've gotta love that internet
( spingers, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:53, 5 replies)

The most interesting thing I've brought back from a night out are bruises
I may have told this story in some form before (I can't be bothered checking) so I'll give the edited highlights:

'twas the night before I was due to go to London to study for my Masters degree in which the events took place. I awoke the morning after with a number of bruises and aches. I called my friend who had been out with me to find out what had happened.

Me: "Why do my arms hurt?"
Friend" "That's from when the bouncers grabbed you and threw you out."

M: "And my back?
F: "Ah, that's from when the police chased you and got you on the floor."*

M: "And my jaw?"
F: "No idea..."**

*It turns out that after getting thrown out of a club for being unconscious (I never did work that one out) I took fright at the situation and bolted, my friend couldn't catch me and didn't know what state I was in so, after seeing two coppers walking by shouted "GRAB HIM!" and they did. He explained. They told me to fuck off home and sleep it off.

** Turns out before I'd passed out I'd bet my friend he wouldn't belt me and have that be one of the last memories I had of him for a year or so. Turns out I was wrong.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:42, 1 reply)

I know that a friend
Came round and realised he was sharing a bed with a whole wheel of cheese. Vintage cheddar I believe it was, before you ask.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:36, 1 reply)

Woke up wet and cold
in a tent. The rain hadn't come in; I hadn't pissed myself.

But my girlfriend had. Lovely.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:20, 1 reply)

Oooh fuck, just remembered this one
Anyone live in Sudbury? About 10 years back, front page of the Sudbury Examiner (or whatever the local paper there is called) "Louts wreck town centre"?

Er, yeah, that was us. The next morning we found we even had the sign off the front of the police station.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:14, 1 reply)

A friend of mine (honest)
Woke up in the morning after a heavy night. Felt a bit sticky 'downstairs'. He thought 'Oh my God, I've shat myself'.

With trepidation, he peeled back the duvet, and glanced down. It wasn't shit. It was a mixture of garlic sauce, donner meat, and shredded lettuce smeared all over his lower torso and genitals. To one side, a sad looking, torn up pitta bread.

He'd had sex with a kebab.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:58, 11 replies)

7 litres of sump oil from a Nissan Navara in a washing up bowl that was held together with duct tape.
Interestingly I broke into my own house to steal the washing up bowl...
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:53, Reply)

The optic from off a bottle of Bacardi
back when I was 15. I still have it somewhere. Fuck yeah.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:43, Reply)

Not me but a mate
Did his back in by lugging an enormous celtic cross - it must have been a gravestone but I really didn't want to know - back to my place and left it there for 6 months. He's no longer with us, I wonder whether karma had anything to do with that...
(rampants, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:39, Reply)

Marked for a crushing headache
I woke up to a room in chaos. As the sunlight streamed in through my window, I took in the scene in front of me. The duvet was in the sink, and I appeared to have gained a blanket. In the form of my curtains. Ah. So it was that kind of night. As my memories started to stream back, flashes of what I'd got up to the night before came fitfully back. I remembered a chair, clippers, and marker pens. Rubbing my head in an attempt to get rid of the by now crushing hangover, I was surprised to find my hair a lot shorter than it was before. Well that explained the clippers. Staggering past the detritus on the floor, including a traffic cone, belisha beacon from the motorway and a giant iron spike, I got to the mirror to notice an even more unusual scene. On my face, scalp, arms and most of my torso, in fact. For some reason the night before, I'd drunkenly agreed to be shaved, and used as a leaving book. Bloody uni.

It took hours to scrub it all off. I looked like a graffitied cancer patient. Thankfully, there are no photos.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:32, Reply)

A bar-sized bottle of Smirnoff vodka
With the upside-down label and everything. Where do you get one of those at 3am in the middle of Cardiff?

No idea.
(SimianKid internet faffer, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:31, 6 replies)

After one particularly lengthy session at a beer festival
I awoke the following morning sat bolt upright with a keema naan in one hand and a full cup of cold tea in the other. Hadn't dropped any of either.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:30, 5 replies)

Errr
Genital warts
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:22, 7 replies)

Derek the Dalek
Students steal traffic cones, it's like a tradition, or an old charter, or something. You have to steal traffic cones. Nobody knows why. Most of them are the boring red conical ones that sprout in their millions on motorways. Not mine.

Mine was christened "Derek" the morning I found him in my room, and was one of the huge bright yellow ones about four foot tall that they put over massively dangerous open live electrical installations, covered in "DANGER OF DEATH!!!" signs, lightning bolts, pictures of stick men frying etc. Bod knows how much danger of death I'd exposed myself to "borrowing" the thing the night before. Stayed with me for the rest of the year, not least because he was big enough to hide an entire person under, with usually hilarious consequences.
(SonofRojBlake, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:19, 3 replies)

I woke up..
clutching a glass, wall-mounted light shade from the Haddon Hall in Kirkstall, Leeds one morning with a splitter of a headache. Freshers week '93 I think. What possessed me to steal that I will never know..
( DeadEyeDick, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 14:12, 2 replies)

Yeah yeah, this was for last week's, but the q closed as I wrote
Buggered if I'm letting my mediocre story go to waste now...

We had one of those 'temporary' classrooms on the edge of our school field - probably meant to be a 5 year stopgap in the 70s but used ever since, perhaps out of fear that trying to remove it would agitate the asbestos...

Due to its proximity to the football pitch, there was a big chickenwire fence erected infront, with a perfect 6ft gap left between the fence and the rear side, completely out of view from the staffroom. We'd play a game where one person would be at either end of the 'gauntlet' and have to run to the other, fending off his oponent with any manner of dirty tactics. Supposedly whoever go to the other end first was the winnr, but nobody really cared who won, it was just an excuse for a fight. Sometimes there was a referee, who had a job like that jock twat from Gladiators who'd say 'Gladiators - reeeeeeady'. There would always be someone on watchout for teachers doing on the prowl. Getting caught playing this game was a sure detention.

Viewers got to rattle, climb and kick the fence, and hurl abuse at the 2 teenagers fighting in the middle. There were no rules. Sometimes we'd all join in and make it 5 people from either direction and then all bundle in the middle.

Very occasionally, a few girls would be invited to join in, which was just an excuse for us lads to bundle onto the girls and have a free grope (like they didn't know...)
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 13:54, 1 reply)

'On the rob'
I was at a house party where a game of 'on the rob' was started, so as duty called I went out to find the best thing to bring back and win the acclaim of my friends. I was gone many hours... so many hours in fact that by the time I returned to the house, not only was the game finished but also the party! So I fell asleep in a drunken stupour forgetting where I was and what had gone on.

The morning after I awoke to find a 3 foot solid stone fireplace sat in the front room. I was severely cut and bruised from the effort it must have taken to get it home. It took 3 of us to remove it from the house and back sheepishly to the forecourt of the fireplace showroom down the road.
( Wildyles is back to rimming chimps, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 13:53, 1 reply)

Can I be the first to say
Your mum
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 13:50, 1 reply)

cock

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 13:50, Reply)

first
yay

edit: FUCK YOU WORLD (and browser ;-))
(Bappage, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 13:49, Reply)

I won't forget the morning after my wedding in a hurry.
My wife's angry accusing face as I woke up reminded me that as usual I had COME FIRST.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 13:49, 7 replies)