trapeze
at an activity centre week i did in secondary school, we did some high ropes stuff, death slide, jacobs ladder etc. then we did a trapeze type thing. it involved climbing a ladder to a high platform while tethered with a climbing rope, then jumping off the platform to grab a trapeze bar a few feet away. it was pretty scary but especially for me. when it came to my turn, because im tall, they moved it further away (the bastards) i flung myself out and grabbed the bar, hooray, i did it! then the momentum caught up with me and i let go, my legs whipped upwards and as i descended i turned upside down, the rope gathered some slack and formed a loop, this snapped out, a few cm above my head, any closer and i would have certainly hung myself, i have seen the videotape and its scary shit
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 15:17, Reply)

Grenade!
My mate Jez went to Spain on his holidays. Instead of bringing back a fluffy donkey in a sombrero, he brought back a Civil War surplus German stick grenade.

A dud, he assured us. The lying turd.

Like normal, sane teenagers we went up to the woods and took turns throwing it at each other whilst shouting "Achtung Spitfire" and "Gott in Himmel!"

"Ha!" shouted Jez, pulling out the pin, "You think you're so clever!"

It was then he realised that it might actually be the real thing, and threw it, like a girl, as far as he could.

It bounced off a tree, and landed at our feet.

"Leg it!"

We legged it.

There was this bastard big explosion, closely followed by a collective crapping of pants.

How we laughed...
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 15:15, Reply)

Before I was even born
I had my umbilical cord round my neck and was getting choaked.
Cue a 20 minute abulance journey with me half out to another hospital.
God tried to get rid of me before I even left the womb
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 15:08, Reply)

We pulled...
out of the garage and down the drive from our house to turn onto the road.

Mum noticed that the paint on the bonnet of the car was starting to bubble and there was condensation on the window.

This quickly started to evolve into smoke rising up the front of the car. At which point, we realised the fwapping thing was on fire!

Cue legging it back into the house and calling the Fire Brigade who informed us that, had we begun to accelerate down the road and drive on, the petrol flow would have blown up the car!

Feeling hot, hot hot...
(reefus-, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 15:03, Reply)

Big Fat Lorry
This happened about 2 weeks ago.......

As a learner driver and after many near crashes I managed to coax my poor mum back into my car while I drove her into town. I drive an old Mini and we were just about to join a busy main road, and it was dark. After waiting for ages for a clearing(about 30 seconds) I saw my chance coming as a HUGE lorry came round the corner. Me being under experienced and VERY OVERCONFIDENT thought I could swipe in front of this massive lorry like a stunt driver from 'To fast, To Furious'.

My mum was screaming 'NO wait!' So I put my foot down and must have thought I was Colin McRea for a few seconds. With my mum screaming and this lorry obviously a lot faster than I though I panicked and ended up in the white lines in the middle and my mum shouting 'You nearly KILLED me!' the Lorry drove off as if I hadn't exsisted and I sat there shaking for a while before driving back like somone from a 'How to drive safely' Video.

I have my test in 2 weeks..... can't wait.
(LittleMissChatty, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 14:59, Reply)

Oddly this links with last week's question.
Years and years ago, the night before a pre-Xmas party, I dreamt of a pretty, round-faced young girl.
Sure enough she turned up at the party - I'd never met her before and she was my mate's new girlfriend!
After this same party, I was walking my (then) girlfriend home, past a bend in the road. I had an odd eerie and uneasy feeling that something was going to happen when suddenly we heard a screeching of tyres and brakes. Instinctively I pulled my girlfriend towards me just as this car ploughed past us. Oddly everything went into slow motion and I remember my poor gf being brushed aside by the car and coming down on her bum. The car ended up mangled in some railings. Needless to say, I shat a large one! The weird thing was that as soon as it was finished everything sped up to normal time.
After being patched up at hospital and a tetanus jab each in the arse, we got back to her place. The sex was bloody amazing that night. As they say make love like it's your last time 'cos one day you're gonna be right!
(Doctor Evil, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 14:37, Reply)

Was playing rugby a couple of seasons ago
In a county match vs Buckinghamshire and a high ball come over. Being a winger I ran back to take it and called it, but my full back didn't hear. I dropped to a knee to take the catch and as I did he came steaming in and the peak of his shoulder hit me right in the side of the head.

Apparently the noise was horrible and I just crumpled and hit the floor. I can distinctly remember seeing myself lying on the floor from about 6 feet above my body. The next thing I remember I'm sat on the subs bench throwing my guts up.

Not really near death but definitely out of body.
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 14:30, Reply)

Not me but my sis.....
We were holidaying in ibiza (one of thos shitty package holidays) and im 10 and el sis is 8 and were both floating in the triangle hotel swimming pool on lilos. My sis drifts over to the deep end and falls in (i didnt see this as i was at the other, shallower end) anyway she dissapears for about three minutes and i cant see her anywhere (her lilo is alone on the water) and then she bursts out of the deep end of the water which is two meters which is when i grab her and pull her to the side. She says that whilst she was on the bottom she heard my mum calling her and all she did was run to where she heard the noise, i dunno how a 4ft girl jumps 2 meters in water but from then on shes been afraid of water, were just thankfull shes alive. no apologise for length it was very traumatic.....
(Jenovaschild, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 14:24, Reply)

I was 15, right....
... and was doubled up with a terrible stomach bug. Liquid pouring out of every orifice, that type of sickness. It was so bad, I couldn't walk, I had to be helped to the toilet and everything. I went to the doctor; he says not to worry sunbeam, it'll pass. Two days later of unimaginable pain and delerium, I started to feel better, but me old Mum (being the worrying old dear that she is) convinces me to go back to the doctor, just to be safe. A different doctor sees me and shits herself; I've had a ruptured appendix for a few days by this point. When I (finally) came out of hospital, my Mum (bless her) reveals to me that if we'd left it a day later, I definitely would have died in my sleep... :'(

That first fucking doctor is a shit tho. When I got back to school, a few of my mates thought I had actually died. Got special consideration in my GCSEs tho, ha!
Soz for length
(Hammer Time, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 14:17, Reply)

no comedy value
but when i was in school some twat i'd just beaten in a fair fight, came up behind me and got me in a sleeper hold, i collapsed on the floor and went into shock (shaking and shit)
i remember looking down on myself in third person, kneeling on the floor. and the whole place glowing, i then got woken up in the recovery position
( Kingtoke was shit at life on, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 14:17, Reply)

6 months ago
a car lost control and skidded into my bike when we were both doing 50. The only thing I remember between realising there was nothing I could do and the aftermath when I found that thanks to my bike (C1) I was still alive, is thinking "damn this is going to really ruin my holiday".

Got away with broken leg and both wrists broken, and was flown home from Spain on a stretcher to spend several months convalescing and lurking on B3ta to keep me sane (enough finger poking out of plaster to press refresh, not enough to control photoshop successfully).

Obviously not near death enough. Although if it had happened 100 yards further on could have fallen over a cliff into the sea, which probably would have been a lot closer...
(sticks Errol flynn in female form, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 14:10, Reply)

weeee!
my mum and i were driving in our '86 Oldsmobile up in the mountains on a crisp november day. we were at an elevation of 7000 feet on a narrow and windy road with no guard rails on the side, just a straight drop down. we hit black ice, and spun out of control for a minute, stopping jut short of the road's edge. I, being Balcky the Mong, didn't notice for the first few seconds, but it was brought to my attention that something was wrong when I heard mum yelling.
(The 3rd Duchess of Spank, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 14:01, Reply)

death, pahahaha - I laugh in your face!
Some time ago, I was involved in a rather nasty incident, some scoundrel had placed a small claymore landmine in my tophat and hat replaced my tin of moustache wax with a tin of napalm.

I know have half a face, but Jeeves is still hot on the trails or the scallywag.
(jinglebellsmotherfucker, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 13:54, Reply)

TOO STUPID TO BE SCARED...
...yep! that's me. I was flying into Las Vegas, (with my friend and our wives) on a tiny little 16-20 seater plane.

My friend had never flown before, so naturally we ended up flying into a lightening storm, just outside of Vegas.

I'm laughing and joking about crashing as we watch the lightening zig-zag past the wings and screaming "We're all going to die!" every time the plane dropped a couple of hundred feet.

By this time my friend had a white-knuckle grip on both arm-rests and was crying like a baby.

When we landed I could hear my friend saying "Thank God, Thank God" over and over again. It was at this point that the steward said for us to take a look at the wing, which had a foot wide hole in it from where the lightening had punched straight through it.

My friend promply emptied his lunch over my shoes. There's probably a moral in there somewhere.
.
(SproutsAreEvil, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 13:45, Reply)

baywatch!
As a kid I used to love swimming, I swam for the county and I had trials for the country.
My one aim was to swin an entire length underwater. I practised all summer long getting closer and closer each time. On the final day of the summer holidays I was determined that today was the day.
I dove in and about 3/4's of the way down the pool some fat kid bombs in from the side straight onto the top of me knocking me clean out and splitting my head open. All I remember was thinking you fat fuck that hurts, then being lay out on the side with the lifegard trying to give me the kiss of life and coughing up manky chlorine water.
There was nothing in between no lights, tunnels just darkness.

(I have never been swimming since)
(team edna no longer a team but always a ninja, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 13:36, Reply)

About a month ago I woke up in an ambulance
with a vague memory of the back wheel of my motorbike starting to slide. When they scanned my entirely fucked back and neck, they said "Gosh, you're lucky to be alive". Not very impressive NDE, but I've got two lucky screws bolting my vertebrae together!
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Thu 25 Nov 2004, 13:35, Reply)

Dunno if this counts...
But my favourite sweets are chocolate limes.
(fogbat, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 13:29, Reply)

Philosophy
Life is technically a near death experience
( Weetobix, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 13:28, Reply)

Dunno if this counts but what the hell
I once dreamed that I was falling (I get that now and then but only once has the next bit happened so bear with me) and I actually hit the floor. I immediately woke up in agony, I felt as if I had really just hit the floor and my heart was ready to explode. It really fucking hurt. I was doubled up in the foetal position for a good 20 mins and I didn't get back to sleep that night. If my flatmates had been in that night, I am sure they would have taken me to hospital when they heard my screams. I think the only thing that has ever hurt more was when I had a really badly infected abcess on the very rim of my anus. But that's another story.

Anyway I read, months later, that it's possible to die from shock if you get woken up in the manner I described above.

So it could have been close I guess.
(Evil_Bill, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 13:19, Reply)

Bicycle Helmets and Cricket Balls
Two Stories:
1) Being young and cocky when I used to cycle to school I used to ride home past this earth mound. Being bored one lonely ride home I decided to ride over this mound and jump off the other side.

So hurtling over this mound as fast at I can I get to the other side and completely mis-time my jump.

I drop straight down 2 feet on to solid ground, landing with the full force on the front forks. The buckle, I go flying over the handlebars and the bike follows. I land flat on my back and look up just in time to see the back-end of my fall into my face, gears first.

Luckily I was wearing my new cycle helmet, but if I hadn't, I'd have had the full force of the bike, focussed through the nut that held the back wheel on (and nothing else), smacking me in the forehead. I'd have probably been a goner.

2) I hated cricket. I found it the most boring sport I ever had the mis-fortune to be forced to play at school.

One dull game I was fielding and the ball rolled to my feet. With the batsman about to run in I thought "What the heck" and threw the ball (a proper cricket ball) full pelt at the stumps.

Unfortunately I'm a lousy shot, and I actually threw the ball at head-height towards the mental kid in the class who was looking the other way.

Luckily (being a lousy shot) I managed to miss him by a gnats-gonad, but I got away with nearly killing him because of his learning difficulties that rendered him oblivious to pretty much anything not stuck right in front of him.

I felt so guilty that I nearly killed him that I've never played cricket with a proper ball since.
(minister of heresy, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 13:04, Reply)

I had a near death experience
He sat opposite me on the tube, before alighting at Marble Arch.
( fishsticks, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:55, Reply)

I almost killed someone...
when they pulled a knife on me. Me and my partner had our guns drawn ready to shoot and all I could think was "I hope he puts the knife down, my ID photo is really bad and I don't want it in the paper"
(Primeight, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:53, Reply)

One of my mates had a near death experience that was so close

he actually died. jammer.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:53, Reply)

Ooh i have another one - inspired by previous post
my friend was riding behind me on a motorway when the chain snapped on my fireblade - we were going quite fast..

it was expelled from the sprockets at god knows what speed and whistled past his head (it was damn close cos he HEARD it go past)

i assume it would have killed him had it hit, as we both were doing over a ton, so he was a lucky bastard.

The AA took fucking ages to arrive as well.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:51, Reply)

Hole in one head
Playing nine holes of golf with some mates, we decided to play the last whole as a 'putter challenge', so there we are all of us whacking away when i felt something brush past the top of ear hair, thinking i was lucky not to get a golf ball in the mush, i turned round to see my laughing mate with a headless putter in his hands, i estimate i was 1cm from death.
(Dan couldnt think of a funny name, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:46, Reply)

Not had a near death experience...
But I've had a near life experience...

Bunggggggg!

And I think someones tellin porkies already. You know who you are! ;)
(that fox person Yer dug's goat tits..., Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:45, Reply)

erm...lots of pain experience but not death
i cheated on my psychopathic girlfriend and she attacked me with a fork...lame i know
(Stalkin Bambi, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:43, Reply)

Don't be a gay boy, gay boy
i crashed my motorcycle too, broke all my legs (two, i think) and my arm.

The doctors needed to 'align' my more misfortunate limb and set about the task as soon as the amublance dumped me at the hosptial A+E.

oh yeh, it hurt. it hurt so much that i got up and walked out, i remember saying 'you'll have to do this without me' and i simply stood up, took in the scene and then walked out into the next corridoor...

only.. i didn't... i'd passed out at that point. Only, i was convinced i'd walked away... i can understand people that claim to have floated about above themselves... they do, only they don't really.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:42, Reply)

:)
first post lol - i roxxor
( connor, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 12:41, Reply)