Obligatory unrelated gif


(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ Mod approved ✧✧✧
( $$ ✅, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 9:27, 10 replies)

Something about selecting a wicket keeper called Alan.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 12 Jun 2015, 9:24, Reply)

Why do you. Why do you. Why do you
want to join the secret service?




Can you keep a secret?
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 8:31, Reply)

Mr. Dumass
https://youtu.be/tMe3WDmxBEI
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 2:27, Reply)

Fresh out of uni and on the dole
I once applied for a job as a farrier

"Have you ever shoed a horse?" I was asked during the interview.

"No but i once told a donkey to fuck off" was my reply swiftly followed by "I'll get me coat".


/gets coat
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 21:56, Reply)

My bro told me about a job interview he had once...
It went wrong just as he was leaving; shaking his interviewers hand he blurted out "Cheers to meet you!", then in a confusion of embarrassment at having said something so daft, turned on his heel and walked face first into a pillar.
And that was that.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 20:18, 4 replies)

I went for a job fixing exhaust vents on a space station
Turns out the guy they hired was more than a little incompetent.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 11 Jun 2015, 18:43, 16 replies)

Fresh out of uni and back in my home town,
I went down the job centre to see what I needed to do to get whatever benefits I'd be entitled to whilst looking for work.
They found a job for me on the spot, and insisted that I attend for an interview at that very moment. Having left the house in my scuzziest clothes, and without my wallet, I blagged a lift off my brother and turned up at some print company on an industrial estate, miles out of town.
Unprepared for the interview. Unclear on what job I was applying for. University dropout. Dressed like a tramp. In and out in 5 minutes. Was down at Manpower the following day, and into the temp job that led to my career within the fortnight. I'm adamant the government owes me 2 weeks JSA.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 16:52, 7 replies)

Someone used something I wrote but changed it around which took away some its edge.
It wasn't quite as appealing to the headhunters afterwards.
( Muns, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 16:22, Reply)

I got the job
3 weeks ago... but now I lost it again. Pity I quit my job for this. I'm not a happy camper today.
(radja, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 15:47, 4 replies)

Just out of college
And on the dole. For some reason they got me a job interview at the Foreign and Commonwealth office in London.
They paid my train fare and it was strongly hinted if I didn't go my dole would be stopped.
Had barely gone far from the little yorkshire coastal village I lived then in so it was quite an adventure.
i had absolutely no experience for the job and was was rather overwhelmed by the three men in formal suits behind a huge desk in a huge formal stuffy wood panelled room.
All went averagely ok until they asked me if something I couldn't answer and completely out of the blue I burst into tears.
And that was it, I couldn't stop and sobbed my way awkwardly through the remainder of the interview.
Didn't get the job of course which I was glad about,
But I did have a great day in London and I stole some toilet paper from them because it has 'property of foreign and commonwealth office' stamped on every sheet
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 15:37, 3 replies)

applications
My brother (salesman and occasional sales manager) has been tasked with narrowing down some piles of applications previously. His very scientific technique was to take half of the letters/cv's and drop them in the bin, thereby weeding out those applicant prone to 'bad luck'
(r0bm867, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 15:36, 22 replies)

went for a job in ship propeller engineering firm in Wirral
All going well, I had all the qualifications and more (it was for an apprenticeship). I was quite old for an apprentice, I had already lived away from home and had returned to make it easy on my bills so i could pursue a low wage apprenticeship in engineering.

I went for the interview, got on well with everyone i was introduced to, even made a few jokes - everyone laughed.

Until I was 1:1 with the manager who was interviewing me, We had conducted my role, and pay etc. I couldnt have answered the questions better. The job was mine. I was just on my way out after shaking the guys hand when he asked when he was going to meet my mum and dad.

What?

I was actually a dad myself at the time, I was 20.

Why did he want to know about my mum and dad?

It all got a bit awkward at that point, I actually changed my tune and started to argue why he would need to see my parents - given I was already a parent myself.

Something about wanting to make sure i would get to work on time, and I would wake up on time etc.

Two days later i got a letter with a "sorry - you have been unsuccesful" letter in it.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 15:02, 2 replies)

Bar job as a student
The landlord asked how I'd deal with it if customers took the piss out of me for being a student.

I said I wouldn't be bothered.

He said "Oh yeah? What if I called you a speccy little cunt who's wasting my tax money?"

And then didn't give me the job because I looked too upset, apparently.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 14:46, 3 replies)

My dad has a chest freezer in the garage to keep meat in
and also a small under counter fridge to keep beers in so he can a few cheeky beers with his mates when playing poker. Good toimes.
( $$ ✅, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 14:22, Reply)

Star something or other....
Was a massive fan of the film Stargate and when the TV series cam out I went nuts about that too....

So the bad guys are based on Egyptian gods so that kinda makes me interested and knowledgeable in Egyptology....so it went on the CV

Went for an interview and stepped into this guys off and the walls were COVERED in pictures of the pyramids, various sarcophagus and just Egypt

First thought was "bollocks" but we never spoke about Egypt at all....thankfully!

Got the job though even though he'd never seen the film or TV series :)
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 13:25, 5 replies)

recruitment consultants
Fucking hell don't get me started on recruitment consultants. I've had ones where you've been flexible as hell readily agreeing to extensions on a temp job without batting an eyelid for over 9 months only to hear shit all after that dries up....apparently being ultra-reliable means nothing. Or the useless twats who never sent my p45 to the inland revenue as required, which resulted in my tax code being wrong for a year, luckily I got the £1,000 back. Most don't have the courtesy to respond to well-written letters, even though you know most of what they receive is poorly-spelt bollocks.
(r0bm867, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 13:22, 17 replies)

From an employer
We always had a policy of recruiting junior programmers rather than experienced ones, preferring to give people starting out in the industry a fair go. On the whole, it was a very successful. But we got some badly wrong.

The On Topic one I remember was a really nice lad who interviewed great, was super-convincing on a whole variety of topics, well presented, etc. Three days into the job, the guy training him told me they had reservations as there seemed to be big basic gaps in his knowledge (hadn't heard of ASCII, for example). I sat him down on the Friday morning to see how he thought it was going and, to his enduring credit, he fessed up that he'd blagged the interview, was massively out of his depth and had spoken to his old company and had got his previous job back.

We shook hands and I escorted him off the premises....

You need to find out shit like this in the first 14-days, otherwise you still have to pay the recruitment company their fees. Don't get me started on that jamboree of cunts.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 13:08, Reply)

Always go through recruitment consultants when looking for a job
they know best and would never lead you astray in the pursuit of making some commission.
( $$ ✅, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:41, 1 reply)

Amateur fail
I went for a job as a lab technician and had put on my CV that i did amateur dramatics (i was young and i needed the money). I had been in a play but when the interviewer asked me which play my memoryjust completely blanked...
I mind farted and blurted out the only play that i could think of which was the Importance of Being Ernest. He then asked me what role i'd played and having never seen or read the play i couldn't even begin to answer.
I didn't get the job but in hindsight i don't how relevant my acting skills would have been anyway
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:40, Reply)

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:29, 1 reply)

In a totally nonlolarious turn of events
I was phoned in the August of 2013 and promised that a prime job was coming up and that they wanted me as I had a reputation as someone who got things done. They wanted someone to manage a new team in a new department that was being set up. I spent the next 8 months working my ass off to help get this department set up, went on trips to Pinewood studios to source the new systems and equipment, poached staff from various places all over the country. The department was set up, systems in place, equipment running, staff employed, all that remained was the head of department role. The two directors that had called me back in the August told me they would interview just two other people and that it was in the bag. They interviewed me and I heard nothing.

Turns out that due to my reputation of getting things done they wanted to get me to get things done. They gave the head of department job to their mate in Bristol as they had intended to do all along.
( Peej, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:28, 4 replies)

I was third or fourth choice to be a moderator on a moribund forum, but I fucked it up and killed myself in shame after an embarrassing few weeks.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:18, Reply)

I'm actually quite relieved that qotw hasn't been shut down.
I thought it was the first step in the complete closure of b3ta, and then where would I spent all day at work and every lonely, miserable evening?
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:15, 5 replies)

Something about aeroplanes being too expensive to make a film that costs less than a Wonga payday loan.

(yo man river INVINCIBLE, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:11, 5 replies)

FIFTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:09, Reply)

I am now completely unemployable since the first page of google search results of my name consists almost entirely of allegations of child abuse

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:05, 3 replies)

Turd

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:05, Reply)

Sectioned
I have just been given the job of "unknown"
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:04, Reply)

FIRST, LOOSER'S!!!!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:01, 1 reply)