Happy 4th July!
For it is the anniversary of Pat Garrett shooting Billy the Kid.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 11:20, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Wedding Vows - NSFAFB*
*not suitable for anti-fluff brigade

'Tis not only the weekend but stupid o'clock in the morning, ergo the best time to deposit this. Are you sitting comfortably? Then let's begin....

I married my beloved DG on 8th April this year. 'Twas a very small do, only 10 of us in the outskirts of Gretna Green. The only trouble with being such a small, informal affair is that there was rarely a moment when everyone was at the dinner table (6 month old baby needing a feed, smokers wandering in and out, steaks not cooked as they'd been ordered etc.).

To cut out all the crap, the long and short of it is, I never got to say what I wanted to to DG on the day, nor on any occasion since. So here it is:

"You have restored the darkest tatters of my heart. You know all the horrors of my past and the atrocities I've afflicted; yet, you continue to accept, respect and love me regardless. You are the first person in my life who has made me feel it's ok to be me: I'm not the vile, hideous abhorritions of my past. You have taught me how to truly love and be loved. I get it now, after all these years - I get love. I give you my dyno-rodded heart and trust in entirety. In return, I promise to tend your heart and cherish your soul. I will support you and uphold you spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I will love you as you have taught me to love, far into the days of care homes and Kanga pants. In our doddery old age, may we sit side by side in the bay window of our care home; gazing at a monochrome view of an industrial estate in the background, Biffa bins in the foreground; maintaining the pixie dust of our first date throughout."

Lots of love,
Txxx
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 2:10, 14 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Hmmmm, here in America, nobody seems to want their kids to grow up. What do you guys think?
Question is in the reply.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 0:01, 9 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Yay for today!
As it's 4th July tomorrow, we all got today off. It's my friends birthday, so we've done brunch and tonight about 20 of us are going to watch the Angels game at the Anaheim stadium.
We're going to get absolutely fucked up, as we have a bus to take us, and then we're all continuing the party tomorrow for the 4th celebrations!
Hope you's all have a good weekend, too!

(And I tried explaining the "jade's aliiivvve, innit!" thing, but everyone looked either confused or said I was a heartless bitch ;)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 23:44, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I can hear the gentle thumping of a snake happily breaking my possessions. How's your Friday night going?
Strangles is exploring the office room. Every now and then there's a tinkle or a thud as he pushes something off a shelf, desk or book case.

I'm also watching old crap on my Sky+ box.

This is my Friday. How's your evening going?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:44, 143 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Right ....Engage brains
In my head all of b3ta live in one large happy and cuntish village where they're all in-bred and have large distended testicles.

FACT.

What's your version?
(Stiff Richard, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:22, 32 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Last night,
I went to see the guy I met last Friday. It was absolutely fantastic, but that's not what I wanted to share.

What I wanted to share was that I narrowly avoided what could have been the most embarrassing moment of my young life. Things were getting pretty heated on the kitchen table, and about ten seconds after I suggested we take things somewhere a little more comfortable, his parents walked in.

That could have been awkward...

What embarrassments have you avoided recently? Or indeed, what embarrassments have you failed to avoid?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 18:55, 44 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Today I has passed my mid-year review with flying colours.
What's made you immeasurably happy today?
( Maladicta, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 18:48, 38 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Murray Lost
Ho hum. Mind you, I blame TGB for making me listen to it.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 18:45, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

With reference to BGB's triumph
what's your most satisfying victory as a consumer? The larger the company the better. Recovering bank charges was good, but everyone was doing that and the banks were an easy target
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 18:42, Reply)

I'm pondering moving Sarf of the river if I can find a place that's nice
Wouldn't take much to be nicer than the flat I currently live in! What sites have you all used in the past to find nice rentals that don't cost a fortune?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 18:34, 7 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

*punches air in victory*
I've finally worn the silly bint on Ebay down and she has agreed to my demands.


Don't mess with the Blouse.
( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 16:53, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I was just driving home from the old man's place
and I saw a van that said "Tweedys Plumbing". I yelled "Jade's aliivve, innit" quite loudly, and then giggled before coming down to earth and realizing that nobody in my city, or this country would understand.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 16:20, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Workplace Bores
Oh my dear fucking Lord...if I have to hear about my colleagues 'manchild' boyfriend, his recently diagnosed diabetes and how the poor wee diddums simply CANNOT go without sugar on his FUCKING cereal........then i may lose my sanity...or what is left of it.

Anyone else get the equivalent of a frozen dog shit jammed in their ear all day at work?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 16:08, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Anyone else cheering for Roddick?
I hope he smacks that smug SCOTTISH bastard right in the face with a tennis ball at 150mph.

I have nothing against the Scottish it's just when they keep fucking insisiting they're not British and if he won it would be a victory for Scotland ONLY. Fuck off you curly haired cunt.

If you don't like tennis you can talk about how awesome I am and/or what a massive internet bullying cuntazoid Al is.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 16:05, 75 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I am so so sorry
but I regret that in accordance with the rules, I have to inform you that I have just lost "The Game"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 15:18, 36 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Silly headline
news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Hamster-Escape-999-Call-Leads-Police-To-Criticise-People-Who-Waste-Emergency-Services-Time/Article/200907115328705?lpos=UK_News_Top_Stories_Header_4&lid=ARTICLE_15328705_Hamster_Escape_999_Call_Leads_Police_To_Criticise_People_Who_Waste_Emergency_Services_Time

Have they not considered the hamster could've been like Kitten Kong from The Goodies?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 15:11, Reply)

I once had to go and see the doctor because I lost a bit of dolly mixture up my fanny.
The dirty bastard put his fingers up there. I was all like "why are you doing that you pervert?" and he was all "I am examining you for the lost dolly mixture". In my mind, this is no way for a medical professional to behave, especially as he wasn't my regular doctor. My other doctor only examines me once.

So I guess what I'm asking is, what things have you lost inside your bodily orifices?
(MoistTickle we are legion, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 15:04, 9 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Eeeeeewwwwww
One of my colleagues has just been to watch some surgery. Female-to-male transexuals have skin harvested from other parts of their bodies to create a penis, and often they'll use skin from the inner forearm to create the urethra - presumably for convenience as well as softness. Trouble is, hair grows on this skin. You can't electrolyse the follicles as the skin won't be good enough to use, so sometimes this hair continues to grow even after it's been transplanted. If this happens then, once every six months, you have to go to hospital and have 5-inch hairs plucked from your urethra using an endoscope. For two hours. Apparently this is very enjoyable to watch.

What frankly horrifying things have you heard today?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 15:04, 25 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Pet peeve
When someone shows you a video on Youtube, but leaves the mouse pointer in the middle of the display
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 15:03, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

I Can Haz Bike PlsKaiThnx
I've just ordered my snazzy new wonder machine which will sit betwixt my thighs and move me faster than I ever dreamed possible.

A picture of it is here.

I'm very happy.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 15:00, 9 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Riddle me this
I'm middle-class, my parents are middle-class, I have a masters in engineering, am an engineer, reasonably well paid and own (part of)my own house.

does this automatically make me a cunt? Does the fact that I actually quite like it?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 14:06, 40 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Please go here
www.b3ta.com/questions/tramps/post471963

And leave horrid comments, just so I can feel internet validated.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 3 Jul 2009, 13:49, 10 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Best....headline...ever...
news.sky.com/skynews/Home/World-News/Mexico-Midget-Wrestlers-Deaths-Female-Robbers-Suspected-Of-Drugging-Brothers-To-Death/Article/200907115328543?lpos=World_News_Carousel_Region_4&lid=ARTICLE_15328543_Mexico_Midget_Wrestlers_Deaths%3A_Female_Robbers_Suspected_Of_Drugging_Brothers_To_Death
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 13:16, 7 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

New half-arsed comic
Here's a new comic of mine, hope you enjoy!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 13:14, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

A cautionary tale
Those of you who work in reasonably large organisations, be very careful how you use your time on teh interweb, regardless of whether you believe it to be actively monitored or not.

I've recently escaped getting fired by the narrowest of margins, for 'flagrant disregard of company internet policy', much of which was b3ta traffic. This is despite there being no official traffic monitoring.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 13:08, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

There's no clothes I can buy, make me feel like myself. She said.
I remembered this song and listened to it four times in a row as I came off the motorway and got home last night.

What was the last spontaneous thing you did that made you happy?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:58, 36 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Some stupid bint on Ebay is trying to do me out of delivery charges to return a very large item because she described something incorrectly on her advert.
She has no idea who she is dealing with.
( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:57, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Tattoos
I was there, browsing through the internet, when I came across this wonderful piece of artwork.

So - what permanent work have you had done that you have later regretted?
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:19, 27 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Mr W.G Wookie
Was that you I saw getting off the Victoria line at Warren Street, just before 10 this morning?

If it was, sorry I didn't stop to say hello.

If it wasn't, know now that you have a twin out there.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:15, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)