Even fewer people care about lunch.
Fewer still care about your miserable, pathetic weekend plans, but share them here nevertheless, so we can all sneer at your nommy LARPing intentions, or Pratchett convention tickets.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:07, 216 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

quite a chilled one ahead
my mrs is ill, so I'm abandoning her at home (after making her a nommy dinner) and going to hang out with my mates.

I'm going to be mostly sleeping for the rest of the weekend
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:10, Reply)

NTT
I know you hate baldmonkey, but this is why he's brilliant.
fucking fliker link cunts
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:55, Reply)

Pfft.
That is class.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:57, Reply)

haha
ok that is brilliant
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:58, Reply)

If this snow kindly fucks off I shall be engaging in the gentlemanly sport of Rugby Union

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:10, Reply)

I'll probably go to the pub
And maybe for a curry.

Not very exciting, but there we are.

What are you doing?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:11, Reply)

I'm going to pretend to be clever and go to a museum
seeing how you obviously don't want to go for tayyabs with me
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Want to go there for lunch tomorrow?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:23, Reply)

Tayaabs: So good it's worth putting up with TGB

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

*shrugs*
if you want.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

*shrugs*
Wouldn't mind.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:34, Reply)

*shrugs*
around 1230 then?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:35, Reply)

I don't get out from seeing Len til 1
but I can get to Whitechapel in about ten minutes from hers. Could go Sunday if you'd prefer? Or for an early dinner* tomorrow?

*by which I mean 'evening meal'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:37, Reply)

I don't mind whatever is easier for you. I have nothing planned that I can't move around

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:44, Reply)

How's about going at about 6ish tomorrow then?
That enough time to go to the museum?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:53, Reply)

yeah sounds good see you there I shall refrain from using the word "nommy" to describe any of the food
Is your lovely lady going to be able to join us?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:58, Reply)

I shall ask.
Usage of 'nommy' within a five mile radius of Tayyabs is punishable by shoving your face into a sizzling skillet.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:10, Reply)

sadface

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:14, Reply)

badly-scalded face more like

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:17, Reply)

Well...
Lunch is an entire cumberland ring sausage (ooer Mrs etc.) in a crusty batch. This evening the inimitable Pooflake and my good self are going out and getting phenomenally drunk.
I intend to spend the rest of the weekend groaning softly and wincing a lot.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Is he going to give your ring a vigorous pummeling?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:20, Reply)

Gig tonight with the band that I thought were a bit off for not warning the old drummer they planned to replace him.
Going for a drink tomorrow with said former drummer in the hope of cheering him up and possibly proferring some kind of olive branch between him and the rest of the band. How and why have I ended up with this task?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Because you want to sleep with the drummer

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Oof! Steady on...
He is French.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:18, Reply)

So you like sleeping with
rat-faced men with body odour.

Horses for courses, I guess *shrug*
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:29, Reply)

Because he misheard them
and thinks he's going for a drink with a bummer.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:28, Reply)

Work do tonight, TGI fridays!!!!!
Those multiple exclamations represent each point I'd give it out of 100.

Tomorrow poker night then out to the pub, sunday, I've got to pair my socks.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Work, work work work, work work, work.
With some added reading. I'm seeing my sister on Sunday though, we're going for noms and chatses.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:18, Reply)

for noms and chatses to fuck

it's the OT way.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:20, Reply)

ch go
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:29, Reply)

exchanging christmas with the "bff"
I've put it off long enough, and while I want to see her, I don't actually want to go to her house where her boyfriend and his daughter are.
Other than that, watching Jersey Shore and partying it up mostly.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:19, Reply)

Beer and films at a mate's tonight
Climbing wall tomorrow morning, then a few quiet drinks in town with another friend in the evening.
Sunday I have some friends over for a catchup.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:19, Reply)

Suggest me nibbles people.
I fully intend to cook loads of stuff for the freezer, spend hours and hours in bed cocking about, reading and sleeping and generally being lazy. Someone's cooking me dinner on Sunday near Dunstable of all places, and they've asked me to bring nibbles.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:20, Reply)

Belly pork with soy dipping sauce (the gloopy kind) and sweet chili dip
Tempura prawns also go well with the above dips.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:21, Reply)

^this

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:28, Reply)

chocolate coated pretzels

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:22, Reply)

I got the white chocolate ones, bought two big packets from some american site, they're not as good as I remember =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:52, Reply)

Bag of unsalted cashews
heat some oil in a pan, put some chilli and garlic in there until almost burnt. Fry the cashews in small batches then throw some rock salt over it.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:22, Reply)

I've been meaning to do this since last time you mentioned it.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:24, Reply)

OH MARION, THEY HAVE JUMBO CASHOOOOOS!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:43, Reply)

breadsticks and dip
then you can make innuendos about double dipping to her
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:22, Reply)

"I dip it in there, take it out, put a little saliva on it and put it back in again."
That kind of thing yeah?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:28, Reply)

this made me laugh more than it should have

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:34, Reply)

I'm genuinely shit at flirting.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:40, Reply)

DON'T YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:41, Reply)

Is that you, Chesney?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:42, Reply)

This isn't a competition chompy.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:42, Reply)

But if it was, I'd totally win.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Oh man, I can't believe it, she's taking off her knickers..... wow, that's amazing what she's doing...."
*switches styles*
Wow, I never knew the belly button was an eroginous zone
*Switches to style facing the other direction*
Oh god, look at her shoes in the cupboard, they're in order of size and colour. Perfectly organised, I bet she has a spreedsheet and knows every detail about each shoe. Oh yeah' baby, normalize that database. I have to ask her what her opinion is on the new ribbon chrome for office 2010+.

Her: "Is something wrong honey? You seem distracted"

Oh god, she knows what I'm thinking.

Chompy: "Nah', this is great, this is the best time of my life. It's like my indexes have been newly optamised and I can create a pivot table with 10k rows in a minute flat"

Her: "What?"

Oh shit, oh shit, did I say that out loud?

Her: "10k? Pfff, 100k more like ,)"

*singing* And then she asks me, do I feel all right.... and I say darling, you look wonderful tonight.

monty comes out the cupboard: NO CLAPTON !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:02, Reply)

*clicks hard*
9/10 more Monty in the closet.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:06, Reply)

hahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:08, Reply)

How much of that morphine did you take today?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:08, Reply)

Sometimes I think I should try to describe this place to other people.
It's posts like this that make me think I shouldn't ... but in a good way.
*click*
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:10, Reply)

I <3 u!

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:12, Reply)

Fucking hell Gonz, you've surpassed yourself
I'm grinning ear to ear despite my mostly-lurker status. The evening has started officially.
(Alfonso Bongo BELL AIRE HORSE EXTRAORDINAIRE, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 21:08, Reply)

Tell them to fuck off, you're the guest
and therefore they should provide the fucking nibbles. Call them a stingy fucking Shylock as well.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Nah she's a mate innit, we're all bringing something and she's providing the main or something.
I mean yeah, I'd rather be in charge of sitting around doing fuck all, stuffing my face and making polite conversation, but I'm being nice.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:38, Reply)

Working Saturday and Sunday
Tonight I might go to the pub and see the band we have on, or I might stay at home bumming about on the internet and writing.

Or I might just kill myself, since the band we have on tomorrow night is a U2 tribute band *shudders*
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:22, Reply)

I'm trying desperately to do nothing.
I have socialised enough and should be allowed to hibernate for a week or two.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:27, Reply)

Is this with Suzy?

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:29, Reply)

It is actually.
I don't want to sit in her house listening to crap rock and drinking wine.
If someone doesn't have fun conversation they should put the tv on in the background.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:41, Reply)

I'm goping to be travelling :(
catch coach saturday lunchtime, don't arrive in Oxford until 10.30am on Sunday, so a shit weekend ahead.

Lunch- I had two sausages for breakfast so lunch is satsuma.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Quiet one tonight
Len in the morning
The rest of the weekend is a blank canvas, that may be filled with nomming, caning, boozing, flashing, frotting or any combination of the aforementioned.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:41, Reply)

No
one
cares
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:43, Reply)

Go to one of these in Feb.
www.ticketweb.co.uk/user?query=search&category=misc&search=sound+of+rum®ion=xxx&beginmonth=01&beginday=7&beginyear=2011

Sound of Rum is one of the better acts I saw last year, firey young female MC with jazzy drummer and loop-master guitarist. It's terribly modern but you might like it.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:43, Reply)

I might do, as I can get in for free
and the Old Queens Head has the nicest fireplace I have ever seen in it. So if the music turns out to be some bender murdering 'Don't Look Back in Anger' on a Kaol Simulator I'll have something nice to look at.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Ahahaha you cunt.
Honestly though, hang on...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IklbUl0QWQ
This isn't their strongest stuff but she's got so much energy it's well worth seeing her live. She's just had a nodules operation and those will be her first gigs back from recovery so she'll be firing it. Gonz'd probably be up for it too because Scroobius Pip'll be there.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:51, Reply)

And it's in North London
Gonz doesn't venture outside a 5 mile radius
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:00, Reply)

Who WOULDN'T be up for some Scroobius?
Man's a genius.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:02, Reply)

I'M GOING BACK TO MANCHESTER
:D :D :D
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:42, Reply)

it's meant to be
cd D:


*THIS IS A DOS JOKE*
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:44, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1033590
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:45, Reply)

:(
format c:
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:46, Reply)

elle oh elle

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:58, Reply)

Gets
*cries*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:47, Reply)

C:/dos
C:/dos/run
run/dos/run
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:47, Reply)

del *.*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:54, Reply)

I was playing Doom last night on dosbox
Who knew after 17 years I'd still suck
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:01, Reply)

I've been playing desktop dungeons
it's a roguelike but with little 8bit graphics in a little window all its own. Fond memories of nethack.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:03, Reply)

I'm off to see some mates, and get pissed
One of them has had an amazing week. She works as a nurse in A&E, and this week had to deal with a 20 year old who'd been shot through the arm, and the bullet had gone through his heart too. Wasn't brought in an ambulance either, just 2 of his mates carrying him through the door.

She told me all the gorey details about how they had to crack his chest so they could plug the holes in his heart, then massaging his heart to try to get it to start beating again, before applying paddles directly onto it to shock. She says she's never seen so much blood, and wouldn't be surprised if any of the blood in his body now is actually his.

I love hearing things like that, they fascinate me. She's also had some drunk guy threaten to kill her.

Nurses are fucking hardcore.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:52, Reply)

One of my mates worked on the phones for the ambulance service but "wasn't supposed to talk about it".
One call she took while training was a chef who decaiptated a colleague with a cleaver during an argument.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:01, Reply)

it is a real shame that posting gazzes is a no-no
if you sarcastic lot could see a couple of the random ones i've had from horny lurking lurkers about the bash, it would cheer up your friday afternoons no end!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Just secretly forward it to a choice few yeah?
Like me.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:55, Reply)

Nice attempt to cover up that the gazzes are from you

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:56, Reply)

applebite is not a lurker
and she'd totally get it, so good guess labs, but no!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Woo! I'd get it!
SO would you, swipe. So would you.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:18, Reply)

yay
at least i know you'll never send me a cock gaz!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:35, Reply)

Just post them without the names
Then we can guess which of Edmunds accounts he used to send them
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Yeah because it might draw one or two of the fuckers out and, let's face it, Friday afternoon is the best time for a bit of loldrama.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:04, Reply)

hell yeah
Noel has spoken. Post the gazzes
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:05, Reply)

ok ok random sample below
although i am not saying if they are lurkers or off-topicers, you can do the maths.

"Just had to say You're really hot. Er - that's all! Oh, and you can call me if you want [xxxxx xxxxxx] x"

"I normally just lurk around these parts but I had to see if your tits are really that enormous."

"Hello Swipe, just wanted to say thank you for posting over the years, your stories always make me laugh (and more) xxx"

"I'll come to the bash if you can put me up... and tie me down"

(tbh this last one did make me laugh!!!)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:18, Reply)

Fuck me, do people ACTUALLY SAY THESE THINGS?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:21, Reply)

and I'm known as the creepy one.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Aren't they all from you?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:23, Reply)

don't tug on that thread dude
i don't want to embarrass any b3tamales....... or myself........
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:29, Reply)

I'd like to point out my innocence at this point!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:31, Reply)

erm.........
......... actually yeah, no tit-requests from you.

you're clean.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Feel free to gaz me a pic though
I feel left out now!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:33, Reply)

just out of curiosity, how often do the tit-requests pay off?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:34, Reply)

For statistical purposes
I am also interested
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:35, Reply)

60% of the time it works every time

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:36, Reply)

"it stings the nostrils"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:43, Reply)

*sex panthers*

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:58, Reply)

i have never gazzed anyone
a pic, other than to my very favourite of all the b3tans, but it wasn't of anything dodgy.

text messages..... well yeah, ok, but that's different!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:36, Reply)

*gazzes phone number*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:43, Reply)

No, ME first!

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:51, Reply)

ladies, calm down
there's enough room in my inbox for pics of all your tits
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

Hahaha!
Creepy!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:22, Reply)

Was the last one Noel?
Are you going to call number one? If it ends 74 then it's chompy and you'll be waking up in a dumpster before you know it
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:23, Reply)

Pffft, I've never sent swipey anything but gentlemanly gazzes.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:24, Reply)

I've only ever had one gaz that wasn't a reply
and it was from you about our amazing birthdate!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:27, Reply)

*birthday fives*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:28, Reply)

*trigger fingers*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:28, Reply)

"gentlemanly"? ORLY?
don't worry noel, i'll spare your blushes xx
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:30, Reply)

And spare our eyes!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:33, Reply)

2 is Bert, surely?
and 4 is Tourettes AICMFP
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Jesus wept

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Pfffft
That's incredible
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Just shows how incredibly desperate some people are.
No offence swipe, it says more about them than it does about you.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Giving out your number on a first gaz?
Jesus.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:28, Reply)

I dunno, a woman shows a bit of cleavage, strength of character etc
and half the board gaz her asking to see her tits *holds head in hands*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:30, Reply)

Noel,
tits are tits
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:30, Reply)

Honestly, it's shit like this that makes me ashamed to be male sometimes.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:35, Reply)

haha!
EDIT:

I do hope you know I was joking here
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:35, Reply)

That wasn't aimed specifically at you.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Thats ok then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:11, Reply)

if /talk are to be believed rachel's posts are all made up
and specifically geared to attract that sort of attention

worked with me though. Sorry about that making me hard gaz Rachel :-/
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:31, Reply)

*snigger*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:32, Reply)

as it happens, they aren't
most of them happened to friends, and a lot are exaggerated/worded in a provocative way, but made-up they aren't!

the gaz wasn't the problem, vip. the problem was the persistent dirty phone calls. i was at work ffs.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:33, Reply)

I believe you
I understand that sometimes strange or amusing things happen to real people and also, some people sometimes have sex.

yeah, sorry about that. it's your fault though really.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:35, Reply)

it really is the way you tell 'em
like the occasion when i flashed my boss and fell off my chair for being too lazy to pick it up so i wheeled myself off the edge - i think i got about 47 gazzes asking about my tits/pants. i could just have said "i fell off my chair and bruised my arse". in my head it sounds funnier to talk about tits/pants in a tongue-in-cheek way, but i can totally see how that gets misinterpreted!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:38, Reply)

I was aware that there was the odd gaz of that nature now and then
but I had no idea that there were that many fucking weirdoes out there. They could be reading everything we post....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:42, Reply)

It's quite worrying, isn't it
An untold number of lurkers all dying to know the colour of your pants...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:48, Reply)

It's mostly weird because I wouldn't begin to think of sending a message like that
except possibly as a joke, and even then I'd make it pretty fucking plain that that was the case.

I tend to forget how fucking odd some people are. or downright disturbing like mabazrichie
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Exactly, it wouldn't even enter my mind as a possibility to contact a total stranger in that way
The Internet's full of wrong 'uns.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:53, Reply)

indeed it is
incidentally, what colour?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

what makes you think i'm wearing any?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)

this conversation must end NOW

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:01, Reply)

Agreed

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:03, Reply)

..... or if you are wearing any
this is a popular question
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:51, Reply)

*facepalms*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

ha these really are just the most recent
tip of the iceberg. if i could be arsed to trawl through my archive, there's some absolute peaches. there was one guy who asked me regularly what colour pants i was wearing, and another who said that i made him hard just from seeing the words "rachelswipe" and.... lather, rinse repeat!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:28, Reply)

EEEEEEK!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:29, Reply)

I never get creepy gazzes
I need a more girly name me thinks
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:32, Reply)

and a considerably smaller vagina
Us blokes get intimidated
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:34, Reply)

IT HAS TEETH!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

ouch

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:10, Reply)

I don't either
and I do have a fairly girly name
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:35, Reply)

you don't want them
most of them are funny, but one or two are a bit Wrong
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:42, Reply)

Oh, how quickly you've forgotten :(

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

amazing

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:28, Reply)

"And on the eighth day, the LORD created The Interweb,
"Yea, and he did say unto the Onanites,
'Behold, ye who have so long lamented Eve's rejection of your kind, I have given unto ye a tool which will allow for the contacting of persons all around my great and fine Earth. But I warn ye, follow ye the path of the Wise Man, not that of the White Knight, lest ye should ruin this great boon and drive the womenfolk even further from ye.'
But the Onanites heeded not the warning of the LORD, for too drawn were they to the myriad wonder of the LORD'S creation, yea, and too distracted were they by the challenge of the typing of the one hand, and too tempted were they by the sins of the flesh bought closer unto them.
And there was much masturbating."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:38, Reply)

Inspired!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:40, Reply)

And thus spake the Lord
some shit about 'casting one's seed on stony ground' not actually being a metaphor for cranking one out on the patio when your parents are at Tesco's.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:42, Reply)

Ha!
And even as they did lament their errors, and through their tears cried the LORD'S own prayer for to repent and beg forgiveness, their thoughts were turned once again unto the temptations of The Internet, yea, and their hands did stray once more unto the folds of their cassocks.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:46, Reply)

This is a typical example of the types of gazes I get.
"Oh gonz, I don't know how you managed to do that, but it was great, amazing, last time I was that satisfide I was ordering everything from the right hand side of the chinese menu"
"Gonz ! Why haven't you called me back? You can't just give me the best night of hot passion I've ever, or will ever, have.... and just not call !"
"Gonz, I was telling my friends about that night we spent together and they want to try it too... would you mind coming over?"
"Gonz ! I got a virus again ! Help ! "
( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:41, Reply)

you swore you'd never tell anyone

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:49, Reply)

I would never not call you the next day, might not be able to look you in the eye, but I'll still call. Or at least, text.

( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)

She doesn't like to be called
she likes the feeling of mystery she gets when she doesn't know what's happening. Treat her mean, Gonz, keep her keen.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Why is it a no-no?
Just leave the names out.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:03, Reply)

^this

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:05, Reply)

^thirded
I could do with a salacious and slightly voyeuristic giggle
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:06, Reply)

i think it's just a bit unfair
to post a private message on here, even if you anonymise it.

wow, look at that, i found a principle. didn't think i had any.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:05, Reply)

Only if the message is really personal
creepy gazzes are exempt from all rules
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:06, Reply)

Naaaaaah
go for it.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:09, Reply)

This^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:13, Reply)

also weekend
is going to be sensible - my new years resolution to go to the gym daily and not to go out AT ALL hasn't quite stuck, but i am going to the gym daily and then spending tonight watching "the inbetweeners" and getting drunk with the new flatmate, her bloke and his severely eligible mate, tomorrow out for dinner in clapham, and sunday work and then dinner in farringdon.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:55, Reply)

The Inbetweeners is shit.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:58, Reply)

Is. Not.

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:59, Reply)

I have only seen one episode
where they tried pot for the first time - it was embarrassing to watch. The speccy one had involuntary arm movements and stuff. On marijuana. Whoever wrote it should be ashamed of themselves.

These fellows are supposed to be 6th form as well, is this right? For fuck's sake I know I started most things at a younger age than many but for fuck's sake.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:00, Reply)

weed makes my legs twitch if I'm lying on a three person sofa eating frosties out the box
but not at any other time. How strange
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:03, Reply)

if I smoke a blunt I twich very badly
and puke
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:05, Reply)

you are so right

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:20, Reply)

fuck all
*sigh* in fact, it's worse than that because I have to put up with my cunt stepbrother who has invited himself to stay at mine. I was hoping the snow would stick so I could go sledging, but it's melting. Boo :(
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 13:59, Reply)

at least you'll have something to put on /qotw!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:00, Reply)

well, sort of
I don't know if I could make it funny though, it'd just be a massive rant about what a terrible penis he is.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:05, Reply)

Ah, but those are the best sorts of rants!
And it's usually good to try and get it out of your system. Is he really that annoying?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:09, Reply)

yes, but I try and have a modicum of humour in my qotw posts
If I type out the rant that's brewing it'll just be terrifying bile and fury. I'll just try and keep a lid on it til he goes. I do hope he fucks off relatively early tomorrow though, or I might not be able to help myself. And yes, he really really is that annoying, most but not all of the time.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:14, Reply)

Oh dear. That doesn't sound so good.
My sympathies. Make him a cup of tea drugged with just enough of a dose that he'll be fast asleep within an hour and will wake up tomorrow morning, propped up against the door, fully kitted out in his hat and coat with his train ticket in one hand.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:29, Reply)

is has
Fuck off, berk
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:11, Reply)

I think I may have just done a little sick
Thanks for that.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:19, Reply)

Sorry, it was too great an opportunity to pass up

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:22, Reply)

*there there*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:07, Reply)

Thank you for that helpful and incisive comment.

(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:10, Reply)

he cares
really
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:12, Reply)

Well what do you expect me to say?
I can do fuck all about the snow, and I didn't invite your step-brother to come and visit you did I?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:19, Reply)

LEAVE IT JEFF SHE'S NOT WORTH IT

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:20, Reply)

HOLD ME BACK!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:24, Reply)

It's ok Monty he's on one of those retractable leads
*reels Jeff in*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:27, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:30, Reply)

Unless... ... ...
you're the step brother!
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:25, Reply)

Oooh. I hadn't thought of that.
*Shouts*

Berk - are we related?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:48, Reply)

I doubt even you could be as annoying as he is.

(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Well that sounds like a challenge.
*Pinches you dead hard on the arm and runs away*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:54, Reply)

Oh come on.
Stop dealing in reality. What was needed there was the internet equivalent of lady-vomit-hair-holding. Sweet but ultimately futile.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:52, Reply)

Stepbrother?
Wait, are you a reverse Bert?
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:21, Reply)

the legal kind of bert

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:22, Reply)

That was why I made my joke.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:25, Reply)

I would rather stick a jalapeno up my fanny and solder it shut with a red hot rusty poker
than ever to allow him near it.

So, no.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:36, Reply)

So you're into your kinky stuff then?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:38, Reply)

Whilst I'm sure you would like the answer to be yes
I regret to say that no, I am in fact incredibly vanilla.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:40, Reply)

No way, no way.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:54, Reply)

POTD
Ma-nan-ma-nan
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:55, Reply)

What makes you think I'm into kinky stuff?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

Your hoody makes me think you're a furry
Your sig doesn't refute this.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I'm not a furry

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:02, Reply)

that's what furrys ALWAYS say.
the dirty yiffing bastards.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:03, Reply)

YIFFs

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)

Sorry
Roota made me melt it.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Eating vegetables, I think
and sleeping. I'm currently having a proper attack of hypo glyceamia. My hands are shaking so badly, I can barely type.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:29, Reply)

4mg of cake STAT!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:32, Reply)

I'm currently eating sweets, crisps, my lunch
and just about everything else in reach. I'm sweating like a chav in Dixons.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:34, Reply)

I just found a Green and Blacks espresso chocolate bar in my drawer here!
NYOMNYOMNYOMNYOM
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:39, Reply)

It's a fookin disgrace

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:46, Reply)

It's a made up drug.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:54, Reply)

I've just thrown up my own pelvis-bone.
Edit: Honestly Monty, sometimes you make my arms feel like two weeks in a lead balloon.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)