I am not going to Wembley.
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

My child shut her finger in the gap behind the bathroom door last night when she should have been asleep. This is apparently
a) my fault and
b) I'm some kind of cunt

What wonderful news have you had recently?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:27, 193 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Morning!

Tell ye what, that sounds sore as fuck. A similar thing happened to a girl in my work, and she more or less snipped the top of her finger off.

Currently on a packed commuter train and there is some selfish cuntbeak applying nail varnish to her wretched talons. The whole place is reeking of strong chemical fumes, low self esteem and barely suppressed rage.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:35, Reply)

Not unlike a rave in Bolton, then.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:43, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:45, Reply)

Pfft! kids are always doing stuff like that.
Tell the ex to get real.

I haven't had any wonderful news but my mater came back home last night from Tenerife. This means my dad will be in a better mood.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:39, Reply)

I just read this as master, and was thoroughly confused...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:41, Reply)

That's not good. Hope she's ok (your daughter) and there's no real mischief done.
I'm brewing a superb cold, which is just what I need right now.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:45, Reply)

I've just taken the foulest cough medicine known to man. It better fucking work.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:46, Reply)

I don't like medication, but I do have some cold and flu tablets.
Tempted.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:48, Reply)

I've never found the tablets to be any good, I prefer the stuff you dissolve in hot water.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:48, Reply)

I've only got a cough so tablets are no good.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:50, Reply)

i've just got a nasty sniffle and my throat feels slightly violated.
And something is bleeding somewhere in my nose.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:10, Reply)

sorry about that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Tixylix FTW
I had a cough last week, chugged that stuff, felt great.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I'll persevere with the current stuff and see how it fairs.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:24, Reply)

I'm just getting rid of mine...
Just down to the hawking up lung butter stage now :)
( snee held his breath since, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:45, Reply)

I did that once at my old school, in an old Georgian door
Doesn't half fucking sting, hope she's ok.

Wonderful news for me is that a friend of mine who suffers from severe depression may or may not have killed themselves last night. I honestly don't know if they're acting up for attention, or not. She seemed very relaxed throughout the conversation we were having, then started ignoring all texts and calls. I tried to keep her talking, but she simply stopped responding. I've left texts for her, and messages telling others to try and get in contact with her.

If she's faking, I'll fucking kill her.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 8:48, Reply)

You have some fucking emo friends!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Fuck off.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:05, Reply)

I'm not trying to be flippant
I'm sure you mentioned someone else who did a similar thing a while ago
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:09, Reply)

That turned out to be someone telling everyone she'd killed herself, and she's a bit melodramatic.
This girl is different.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I apologise then
My mistake
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:12, Reply)

So you have got some fucking emo friends!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Haha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:14, Reply)

^This

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Just spotted I'd missed the key word there.
That was supposed to read "That turned out to be someone else telling everyone she'd killed herself, and she's a bit melodramatic."

Basically, some guy she'd fallen out with had pestered her until she turned her phone off, changed her facebook password, then messaged all of her mates saying she'd killed herself, when we couldn't get in contact we freaked the fuck out. What a fucking dick.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:15, Reply)

A "slight" drama queen then?
Telling people you have killed yourself is a cunts trick
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Also
If a "mate" had done this pretending to be her, then he/she would be an ex-mate.... and probably punched in the face
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:27, Reply)

He was, thoroughly.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:28, Reply)

This is good then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:30, Reply)

On hearing the news, I did allow myself a small smile.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:31, Reply)

She = attention seeking shit friend
No excuses.
(TheColonel, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:18, Reply)

No, it wasn't her that said she'd killed herself.
Someone else did it for her.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Well they are shit-stirring scum.
Edit: ahh sorry it was the bloke who messaged everyone, didn't read it properly.

EDIT: I didn't read it incorrectly, you wrote it incorrectly. Apology accepted.
(TheColonel, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:22, Reply)

you believed them though
which surely means she has form for that sort of thing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:23, Reply)

She has a tendency for melodrama, but receiving a message, out of the blue, from someone I don't know
It was a bit too confusing for me to be able to dismiss outright.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:29, Reply)

How do you tell someone you've killed yourself?
wouldn't you find communication a bit tricky?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Basically, some guy she'd fallen out with had pestered her until she turned her phone off, changed her facebook password, then messaged all of her mates saying she'd killed herself (from his account), when we couldn't get in contact we freaked the fuck out.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:00, Reply)

ah, so it was the bloke that told you that she'd killed herself?
kill him. it's only fair.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:04, Reply)

He got a good kicking for it, was fine by me!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Just get a baby monitor so you can hear if she gets out of bed in the night
Are her fingers ok?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:01, Reply)

This^
Baby monitors are excellent
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:02, Reply)

I would certainly agree with point b
I first assumed that you weren't even there when I read it, given your ex's penchant for irrationality.

Everyone else seems to think otherwise though.

I slept fucking badly again last night. This secondment has somehow caused my insomnia to get much fucking worse.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:13, Reply)

I too am Capt Insomnia at the moment
It is getting rather tedious and I look like a corpse now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:16, Reply)

it's shit
if there were some reason for not being able to get to sleep or waking up many times during the night and then not being able to get to sleep then perhaps it wouldn't be so bad.

don't you hate it when you say to someone that you barely slept and they go "really? I slept like a log"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Yes, yes I do
My missus sleeps the sleep of the dead each night, then wakes up complaining she is tired. This does not amuse me at all as I've normally been awake for half the night listening to her sleeping soundly....
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:26, Reply)

fortunately my mrs is sympathetic

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Can I borrow her?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:30, Reply)

I'm away Monday and Tuesday nights
so you could probably borrow her then, as long as you return her in good condition
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:32, Reply)

deal

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:34, Reply)

I may be able to help, but you won't like it
Ms Foxtrot was off work with stress a while back and wasn't sleeping at all well for a good long time. She started going to a meditation class once a week and it really seemed to help level her out. She's much more inclined towards all that hippy bobbins than I am anyway but the breathing exercises she does at night definitely help her with getting a decent amount of sleep. She hasn't gone to this class for the last couple of weeks and her sleep's been a bit erratic since.

So you might find meditation class helps with your sleep issues. It all depends whether you want to sit in a room with a bunch of New Age mung-bean munchers for an hour. You've got the beard for it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:20, Reply)

thanks for the suggestion
I have considered pretty much everything over the years.

Trouble is, I'm not stressed. I'm not worried about anything, I can be completely relaxed, blank mind, and just not be able to sleep.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Get a large man to punch you in the face and knock you unconscious
Make sure your bed is behind you to break your fall
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:25, Reply)

that is quite a radical approach
I would have to ensure that I remained unconcious all night though, otherwise no real improvement, with some significant drawbacks
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Your beard would just soften the blow

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Desperate times call for desperate measures

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Just invite Chompy out for a drink with a hot colleague of yours
Then drink her drinks.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:50, Reply)

I don't have any while on secondment
I see what you did there though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Just trying to help

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:58, Reply)

does that stuff make you pass out
or just not remember stuff?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:02, Reply)

I think it depends on what's used
But as far as I'm aware, it makes you feel very drunk and eventually pass out.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Now, I'm the person here most likely to suggest
that new-age arseholes go fuck themselves with the nearest wind-chime, and even I don't see why this won't work - insomnia is a mental rather than a physcial issue so meditation might well help.

Of course, what he really needs to do is lay off the weed, but I know he'll tell me to do one, and rightly so ;)
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:58, Reply)

I had the insomnia before the weed smoking
over the years it probably hasn't helped sure, but stopping even for extended periods hasn't helped either.

at the moment when weighing the things against each other, continuing to smoke weed beats the possibility that my insomnia might go away.

You say it is a mental issue, which I would normally agree with, but I cannot find any reason why I should be experiencing it. It happens when I am at my most relaxed and stress free equally as often as when I am not. Exercising or not doesn't seem to make any difference either.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:07, Reply)

just because it's mental doesn't mean it's got an obvious cause.
I don't sleep on Sunday nights at all, yet I really enjoy my job.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:09, Reply)

fair enough
the brain is a strange thing.

as much as I may complain about not sleeping, it's only 4 or 5 nights over a couple of weeks at most at the moment, which is easily handled, and I'm sure once my secondment is over things will improve
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:14, Reply)

It means you're gay.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:16, Reply)

the voice of experience

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Have you tried exercise then a hot bath just before bed?
Alternatively....wank
(TheColonel, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:22, Reply)

tried all of that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I thought you started having a few beers; a decent night's sleep justifying the slight hangover?

(TheColonel, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I did on monday night
still woke up at 5 then 6

the trouble is, I am also trying to lose weight and chugging a couple of beers undoes some of the good work from my swimming regime so I am a bit loathe to do it every night I am up here.

Less of a problem at home because I can just get caned.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Drink spirits?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:31, Reply)

I am considering it
When at uni and I couldn't sleep and wasn't smoking I used to take valerian tincture which worked quite well.

Based on last night's performance it no longer works for me.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:33, Reply)

Can you not smoke a fatty-boom-batty on secondment?

(TheColonel, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:34, Reply)

I probably could, but that would be a very last resort really
not sure how the people I am staying with would take it were they to observe me doing so, and wouldn't particularly like to explain to my company why I need to find alternative accommodation should the worst happen.

I'm also trying to cut down a bit, during the week anyway and this seemed like a good opportunity.

The good thing is I'm not desperate for a reefer.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:41, Reply)

long term booze doesn't help.
as in, your insomina will adjust. unless you get slaughtered, and then you sleep but it's deep sleep not light sleep so you don't actually get any mental rest.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:59, Reply)

that's the trouble
it's adjusted to everything I've tried about from rocking the ganj.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:01, Reply)

hate to say it but you probably need to try a prolonged period entirely off the weed.
like, 6 months or so. Doesn't matter what effect the drug has - just because it's a downer doesn't mean it can't cause insomnia. Humans aren't adapted to process THC well, and you pick up all kinds of odd dependency effects from any drug

Course, it's totally up to you whether it's worth it - it might not be that at all - but if you definitely aren't stressed, that's what a GP is going to tell you.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:08, Reply)

you are probably right
I have been off it for months at a time before with no discernable improvement in how often I can't sleep.

and I'm sure that is what a GP would tell me. At the moment though it's not enough of an issue to take to the doc, just happen to be going through a bad period at the moment.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:12, Reply)

if you've definitely tried it
(as in being off it) then consider other things first, but it probably needs a long time - like 6 months plus - with dope to be sure, because like I said we don't really process THC well. That's part of why it's a good drug.

I'm sure that secondment stuff really doesn't help - some people just can't sleep in a different environment too.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I think the longest I've been off was about 6 months
but it was over my finals, when I was breaking up with my ex and then trying to get a job. Not conducive to good sleep.

I'm a really light sleeper which doesn't help. Basically any light or sound will stop me sleeping, so am usually equipped with mask and earplugs.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:19, Reply)

ear butt

Sorry, but that was just begging for it.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

the thread for that stuff is at the bottom of the page

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Are you sure it wasn't the kitchen door?

(TheColonel, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Clearly you have never been to Derby
My wonderful news is that having been here until 9.15pm last night, my boss came over to show me how to input overtime. He told me to enter the number of hours I did, over and above my usual 7.5 - I thought "let's not take the piss here" and put in 3.5. Which is slightly less than I did. He deleted it and entered 5 instead. Which, at time and a half, is an extra day's work for a few hours last night which I mostly spent watching Top Gear on iPlayer and having a couple of sneaky beers.

Sorry to hear about the little lady's accident. Make sure her finger doesn't snap off, at that age they're like Hydras, and if she ends up with 6 fingers you'll have to move up my way for her to gain schoolyard acceptance.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:14, Reply)

CHARACTER BUILDING

(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:33, Reply)

nothing like that ever happened to you I assume

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:34, Reply)

No, not at all,
I'm not genetically stupid.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:36, Reply)

I was implying that you have no character

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:43, Reply)

I was applying that Monty was stupid and has cursed his child with stupidity as well.
an added layer of complexity is the whole Nazi angle, they believed that this sort of thing could actually happen.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:43, Reply)

common knowledge
through all his bluster everyone recognises that he is a certified retard
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:03, Reply)

My friend shut my finger in a door when I was about 5
and ever since then my nail grows with a really deep gulley in it where the cuticle has died and doesn't produce enough nail. It's weird and makes getting nail polish off a bitch
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:34, Reply)

It could just be a cloven hoof

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:35, Reply)

I shut my finger in a car door when I was ickle.
I can still remember it happenening. It must have been a defining moment in my life.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I seem to be Mr Social recently
I'm out seeing various friends every night this week, be it to go to the cinema, house party or industrial club night. Shame all this had to happen right before payday.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 9:48, Reply)

I have to stay in as I spent all my money on a shiny monitor

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Lusty's taking me to what is effectively a gay bar tonight.
She has food and drink vouchers.

I expect I'll see you there.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:18, Reply)

food and drink vouchers been on about watching me take on Dutch Steve for weeks and frankly I'm so sick of hearing about it that I've given in.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:20, Reply)

so sick of hearing about it that I've given in keen
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Psychic AND a 'fanny magnet', eh?
Is there no beginning to your talents?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:23, Reply)

It's not really mysterious, Monty.
She's been telling EVERYONE.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:25, Reply)

I just had to disguise a 'lol' as a cough

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:26, Reply)

how are you going to hide that everyone there knows you?
everyone turning round and going "Monty!" when you walk in will be a bit of a giveaway that you are a regular
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:20, Reply)

I'll tell them you're ill tonight so for a change I've brought a 'fag-hag'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:27, Reply)

Sorry fella, off to the cinema tonight
You'll have to snort MDs off of someone else's dick. Maybe Dutch Steve?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

I'm praying 'Dutch Steve' doesn't become a meme.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Challenge accepted.
"Schtop, thish Monty ish not ready yet, you needsh to dilate the anush before Dutch Schteve can fit in."
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Or "Schteve" for short.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Although "short" isn't a word that can be used to describe Dutch Steve
at least, not in the downstairs department.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Yesh.
For some reason whenever I try to do a Dutch accent it turns into Sean Connery, and vice versa.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:31, Reply)

that's a common problem
though working as I do with quite a lot of dutch people, it is not actually far from the truth.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Right I have loads of work to do.
Kindly forget all about this by the time I get back.

Thanks awfully.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

For once, I'm not 100% sure
whether you're so much of an attention whore that you desperately want Dutch Steve to continue and are trying primary school level reverse psychology to encourage this, or whether you would genuinely prefer us to leave it alone and are stupid enough to think that asking nicely will work. Please clarify.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:41, Reply)

"Hey Schteve! You want to come back to my plasche for schome dominoesch and schport fucking?"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:30, Reply)

I am trying to figure out how to type 'psychedelic' in a Dutch accent without making myself look like Gonz.
I am failing.
I blame the morning.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:32, Reply)

"Schychadelic"?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

YES!
*punches air*
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Ropey, I feel.
But thanks for playing.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:38, Reply)

Better than nothing.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Juscht be careful. We do not want Schteve to get the gush.
it is awful, yes? he could not schtop coming. After three daysh, hish body is shucked of all moischture, it ish like a hushk. And then firscht the schpaff goesh red, and then it goesh blick. And then you die.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Like a shad fasych freaky clown

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:41, Reply)

indeed, sir.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:43, Reply)

be a meme in my hair
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:27, Reply)

I'd have thought Crow would have been a more suitable partner for this event.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Knowing my luck, if I wandered in there I'd probably bump into about three or four different people I already know
Who will all mysteriously turn out to know each other.

*raises a suspicious eyebrow at wookiee*
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Hahah.
I almost wandered into GAY by accident on my way home last night, because I had forgotten about all the roadworks by Centre Point.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Pity, you should have come in and said hello...
(Edit: I am still debating in hindsight whether I should have gone and insistently said hello to that former student of mine, then been a complete cunt by introducing myself to her friends and telling them what an excellent physics student she was...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:51, Reply)

You should have opened with a demand for her homework.
It would have been HILARIOUS.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:56, Reply)

I'm sure I could have found a charming and witty way to do it.

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Of course.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Not so much news as a general annoucement.
I have a banana ready as my afternoon snack. This is fairly routine for me so no need to be alarmed.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

I also have a banana as my afternoon snack.
What spooky shit is going on here?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Me too!
*afears*
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Well they say it comes in threes...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:42, Reply)

I can't be arsed to read any other posts in this thread but
I thought all the doors in you house were broken or something?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Imagine if the baby had got stuck in the kitchen and then he'd have had to boot the door in and kick the baby in the head

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

I see this more as a hobby for the lad.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

What, Toddler Pinball?
This could catch on. Would be better with double doors and a multi-toddler setting.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:40, Reply)

hahaha
Get some mong-kids involved and The Who can update their rock-opera!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Mongy

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Needs more Sunshine busses.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:46, Reply)

"Too much, the Sunshine Bus..."

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

your ex is being a moron
kids bump themselves all the time. it's how they learn. she won't do it again.

i think my dad might have turned gay in his old age. he has just swopped his lovely bentley for an audi TT. a white one. all the arguments about depreciation and how much insurance/service etc the bentley was costing all went over my head. all i can think is, a white sports car is going to look pretty damn feminine.....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Does he have an interest in hairdressing?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Ah but she got up in the night and he didn't know.
She could have gone the offy or anything.
And then there's the MDs he occasionally finds in bags behind cupboards when he's having a clean out.
My great grandma got out of the house as a child, and the female copper from next door 'found her' 'sleepwalking' so put her in bed with her so as not to wake the family.
I have never liked the scent of that tale.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

it does sound a bit fishy

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:44, Reply)

*bawks*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:45, Reply)

It's male HRT treatment.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Bit late for a mid life crisis innit?

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

I don't think Swipe is that old Blousie.
*Waves*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:38, Reply)

*waves*
I'm talking about her dad.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:39, Reply)

How are you today?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Feeling good apart from an annoying cough.
My youngest sis is over in a couple of weeks for her 21st birthday and I'm wracking my brain tying to think of what we can do to celebrate. Her mate in Tenerife couldn't get the time off to come over which has upset her a bit.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Why not go to the pub?
Pubs are nice.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:45, Reply)

It's her 21st so I want it to be special.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Spa break?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

That's a good idea.
My mum would enjoy doing that with her. It's up to my dad really as he would be paying.

I think she wanted a big night out as well. I doubt going out with her two old sisters would be the same.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:52, Reply)

do you think he'll go for it?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:53, Reply)

Probably. He was going to pay for her mate to fly over.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Why not investigate some spa breaks then?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:55, Reply)

I'll discuss it with my sis.
She might not want to go on one. She's only got a few days over here.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Is she doesn't wan to go one a Spa break.
Suggest a Netto or Aldi one.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

In Monty's absence
it falls to me to ask you to leave the internet
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Yay!
*Stays*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:18, Reply)

A bentley is a bit OTT in these austere times
At least it aint tedious silver, and a sight more practical as a runabout car. He'll look less conspicuous down Aldi later on.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:40, Reply)

my last slk was silver
when i got this one, i had to do the deal before the end of that month to get the low interest rate. there were 10 available in the uk at the time, and 9 of them were silver.

i got the black one!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Curses, I'm stuck with bland 'Iridium Silver'
I suppose it reflects how boring I am 8(
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

that's what my old one was
it's nice but every second car is silver.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

for some reason I thought your car was red

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Woo black cars FTW!
Shame I'll never ever have a 'nice' car.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:09, Reply)

Never say never Labs.

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:17, Reply)

True
But I can think of countless things I'd rather spend the money on.
House, holidays, new laptop, tattoos, happyfuntiemz with friends etc.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

see, I'd rather spend the money on a nice car than on a holiday
which is why I have trouble going on holidays.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Nah. White's the new "cool" colour for sports cars
But the colour is the least of his problems, what with the TT being the clitoris of the car world.

If he was swapping a bentley he should have got an R8
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Depends which TT
The first type is definitely a hairdresser car, the updated second/newer one is a bit cooler.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:44, Reply)

that's not what the insult above refers to
I agree the second gen is much nicer and cooler, but the "clitoris" thing refers to the fact that "every cunt's got one"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Ahhh, fair enough!
I'm slow this morning, forgive me.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

the main reason for swopping it is that he hasn't driven it in a couple of months
because he actually prefers his q5. this has made him fall in love with audi.

the r8 is an orgasm on wheels. only the merc maclaren version is better.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:45, Reply)

he's got a Q5....
there is no hope for him.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

That's a nice motor, far better than the x3

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:51, Reply)

the X3 really is a piece of shit
the X5 is not much better

I quite like the idea of getting an X6, raising it and putting on enormous off-road tyres. I think that would look the business.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:52, Reply)

I don't mind the x5, the x6 seems pointless, the x1 an abomination
Your proposal might end up on the pricey side
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:55, Reply)

the X6 is pointless
but I quite like that look of it. I think I am the only one.

it may end up pricey, particular is I would then feel obliged to take it to the desert and thrash the shit out of it, and probably break it very quickly.

it is a good job that it is completely pie in the sky.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:56, Reply)

That looks like a hoot, especially in those specced up Tourags

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

of all the similar 4x4s
I'd probably have a Toerag as it looks nicest.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:03, Reply)

This, with added "that"

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)

i thought that when he got it
he swopped my mother's old a3 and i was really fed up because i loved nipping around in that if i left mine in london. but the q5 is absolutely amazing to drive, it's like a big nippy armchair!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

The Q5 looks like a raped whale, though.
Agree about the R8. McMerc don't make a version of it, though. You mean the McMerc SLR, or the SLS?

I'd get an Audi, they are good, but a) they've become wankers cars and b) I want a 4x4 and I can't afford the £5k every time a transfer box fails in the wanky quattro system. So back to Land Rover I think.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

I'd rather have a Range Rover Sport than a Q5
but I'm not a big enough cunt to have either.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:51, Reply)

You'd have to be a pretty huge cunt to have an RRS.
I'm tempted to wait a few months and get a RR Evoque but I think I'll just buy a second-hand Freelander and keep some money for when inflation and interest rate rises cunt the fuck out of my cost of living over the next year.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

I'm just hoping that my battered Seat Toledo lasts to the end of the year
before major shit goes wrong with it. It has a habit of juddering when you pull away at the moment, mostly just first thing in the morning.

I'm hoping it's not the clutch because it had a new one not all that long ago, and I can't afford something that pricey. Also it had new brake pads recently and they are squeaking like a motherfucker. Fucking horrible.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

My Dad's Seat Toledo does that juddering thing too
Has been for a few years though, so hopefully you'll be alright.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:05, Reply)

that's at least slightly reassuring
my bro's mate is a mechanic who does the work on it for us, so he should be taking a look soon. With a bit of luck it will be something cheap and easy to fix.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

R8's, Q5's?
What recession?

It's a capitalist paradise.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:54, Reply)