Subject:
I just overheard someone say I'm really confused-dot-com I think this is the same woman who refers to her ugly dogs as her babies.

What little phrases annoy you in the work place.

If you're not at work, why don't you get a job yeah!
(PsychoChomp, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:39, 120 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

bump

(PsychoChomp, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:43, Reply)

I'm not sure, but I've just seen that Maxi internet picture and feel somewhat unwell

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:43, Reply)

He's toned and has a massive cock.
How can you not want that in your internet life?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:44, Reply)

Thankfully I'm not on Twitter.
Tubgirl I can handle. I've not met her.
( girlinthehole, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:49, Reply)

You don't need to be on twitter, but I'd advise not to go looking
Some things are best left unseen
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:54, Reply)

I have not seen this picture.
I do not think I need to see this picture.
That is all.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:58, Reply)

it is getting a lot of air time, though
i'm sure we've all sent very personal messages etc that we reeeeally wouldn't want to be published on here, even if only for the "what the fuck were you thinking" element of it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:59, Reply)

Oh right, is it one of those "accidental reply all" things then?
I haven't followed the story but it sounded like flagrant smug exhibitionism.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:06, Reply)

No she just posted it on her twitter feed.
On purpose.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:10, Reply)

I got the same impression.
Does he actually have his knob out on twitter?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:10, Reply)

Nah he's got a bowl of cereal or something on it.
I didn't look closely.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:11, Reply)

He's also watching Dora the Explorer
The paedo.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:12, Reply)

It really needs to end up on someone's list

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:13, Reply)

Those aren't cherios, they're doughnuts.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:13, Reply)

gonz gonz gonz it's the minestrone and pesto soup today!!!!!!!!
get thee to an EAT...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:23, Reply)

ok, that's not quite so bad
he's not a complete freak then
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:18, Reply)

it's not a patch on what you sent me last night
maybe i should share THAT, what do you think about THAT?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:44, Reply)

All birds love that kindof thing
feel free to break the sanctity of gaz
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:52, Reply)

oh no, i couldn't do that
it would be piss-poor etiquette. besides, if i were going to do that, there's people who've sent me worse over the years, and once you open those floodgates... where would the madness end? where?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:55, Reply)

With me laughing myself to death, I'd imagine.
So go for it.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:59, Reply)

hey
it would include all the filth you have sent to me over the years too... proper disgusting shit you're into, you bad bad man...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:00, Reply)

This is the INTERNET, Swipey.
If that stuff gets out, my gazbox will be jammed full of mandering within minutes.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:04, Reply)

you and rory are safe
i won't spill your sordid secrets.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:06, Reply)

^ This
The single attendee b4sh nights will invariably be my favourite
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:01, Reply)

i think you'd be surprised
retching, yes. but also surprised.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:02, Reply)

u r de gurl of mi dreemz
u hav tits nd everythin, giv us a go on de gowl

sweatypalmed internet user xxx
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:07, Reply)

most of them are far less literate than this

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:09, Reply)

and with more threats to kill themselves unless you comply

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:11, Reply)

that might be what they say
it is hard to tell through the wacki typing and/or severe brain-dead spelling/grammar fails.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:16, Reply)

you dropped this
;)
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:18, Reply)

argh it's a smiley
kill it, kill it stone dead
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:20, Reply)

I'm totally going to make a series of animiated gifs of myself to replace smilies.
It's going to make for some awesome gazes.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:24, Reply)

I'm going to call them Paulies.
Oh god, this is going to be epic.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

gonz gonz gonz it's the minestrone and pesto soup today!!!!!!!!
get thee to an EAT!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

'Make me a coffee'.
That annoys me and the other one is, 'what, another holiday'.
( girlinthehole, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:44, Reply)

I think it should be allowed to slap people in the office
if when asked if it's Monday today they respond; "yes all day"
(PsychoChomp, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:45, Reply)

see also:
when asked if they take sugar, "I'm sweet enough"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:09, Reply)

I think it was Monty who mentioned his distaste for this joke a while ago. I proposed, and still propose, the following response:
Look wistfully into the middle distance and say,
"The anniversary of my sister's death, then..."
And walk away with a resigned sigh.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:06, Reply)

You wouldn't want to work for me, that's how I start almost every conversation.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:53, Reply)

oh god! students add 'dot com'
to any time they say confused. So annoying.

I'm not at work coz I'm ill :(
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:48, Reply)

I would of thought a course of injecting your eyeballs would have cured you by now.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:55, Reply)

I've been trying
but I think I need to find something new to inject into them. Ive done it so often it's not having the same effect
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:56, Reply)

The surface of your eye must resemble a golf ball.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:59, Reply)

more like one of those plastic
balls with holes in. Wiffle balls?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:04, Reply)

It is normally phone calls that annoy me the most at work.
Usually the ones that start off "Do you want to buy some paper clips?"
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:52, Reply)

"Have you got a minute?"
But it's not going to be a minute, is it, it's going to be five, maybe even ten and I'm going to lose track of where I am and it'll take five minutes to get back into the swing of it so there's quarter of an hour down the pan not to mention having to look at your fat stupid face.

All for something you could have googled in thirty seconds.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:52, Reply)

Any annoying phrase at work
starts with my name, followed by "how do you [insert obvious thing here they learnt months ago]"

Although I secretly like being useful
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 12:58, Reply)

It's the one where there's 5 buttons on the screen they're coding
and the first one doesn't work and they ask for help and I quickly figure out they need to change this one thing from "Yes" to "No" and then it works. And they test the second button and it doesn't work and they ask for help again AND IT'S THE SAME BLOODY THING.

One of my colleagues, as well as forgetting everything they've learned on a regular basis, apparently lacks the fundamental human ability to generalise from the specific.

You can teach bloody pigeons to generalise, ffs.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:10, Reply)

you must destroy her.
my office is a hive of people who say "myself" and "yourself"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Ohhh fucking hell that pisses me off.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:09, Reply)

my ex husband did this
EX husband
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:14, Reply)

i must admit that i do this. not in conversation but in correspondence, and never "myself", just "yourself"
i always thought it was a northern thing.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:15, Reply)

it's just wrong
so a lot like a lot of Northern things.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:17, Reply)

If being Northern is wrong I don't ever want to be right.

( girlinthehole, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:20, Reply)

ignorance is bliss

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:21, Reply)

A problem solved with just one kiss
/livingcolor
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

Oy!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:20, Reply)

you can go off people, you know, vipros

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:21, Reply)

I know
I'm starting to go off YOURSELF
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:21, Reply)

it's not used like that, you muppet
it would be more like, when writing to a manager after a telecon with her gimp: "following this conversation with yourselves, my client acted in reliance upon it to its detriment. this is a clear cut case of estoppel and if you bend over i will fuck you sideways."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:24, Reply)

that's still the same and still wrong
the word is "you"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

it just isn't the same
i can't explain it, you southern shandy-drinking poofs have no idea!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:29, Reply)

it is the same.
yeah, we have no idea how to use the language properly. Right.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:32, Reply)

while I want to take the side of northerners
I cannot side with using 'yourself'
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

Think outside the box
and I am trying fo get a job, trust me. getting extremely hacked off with Agencies who do not respond and the like....I am spending around 4 hours a day looking for jobs using sites such as Monster, Jobsite, JobsToday etc.I thought I had found a great one locally with a firm of solicitors however they have now updated the info to include salary information. Who the fuck can afford to work for 12k a year apart from school leavers? AAAAAAAAAGH.
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:09, Reply)

*holds hand up*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:12, Reply)

I did until very recently

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Surely on that kind of wage
you would also be eligible for tax credits etc? It works out about £800 a month I think, which is liveable if not exactly excessive.
(berk, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Well
it would be livable in certain circumstances but I am fixed into a 6% mortgage and paying off my ex partners debts at around £150 a month - long story.......£800 per month would not even cover my bills and I don't have any luxuries like Sky, just the basic gas and leccy and insurances.
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:52, Reply)

Oh :(
It is still worth checking with them to see if they can offer you maybe £14k, as you would bring much more experience, maturity etc to the role than the type of person they are likely to attract for minimum wage... and then check with your local benefits office and see if you'd be eligible for anything like working tax credits or council tax benefit etc?
(berk, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:57, Reply)

WTC
only available on income of £13300 or below - I earned more than that in the last financial year so I am not eligible. FFS I am an experienced office manager and should not even be considering anything at this level but it is really bleak out there......*glumface and panic setting in*
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:23, Reply)

I find myself randomly breaking out into the Hawaii Five-0 theme
dun dun dun dun duuuuun duuuuun duuuuun duuuun duuuuun dundun
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:10, Reply)

I often find myself whistling the theme from Tales from the Crypt
while wandering around the office
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:11, Reply)

HURRR HURRR HURRR I'M FEELING BETTER NOW

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:12, Reply)

gonz gonz gonz it's the minestrone and pesto soup today!!!!!!!!
get thee to an EAT...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

Sad Times, Doc needed to see me before giving me a 'script so I got in at 11.
And I had a client screaming and shouting at me today because my hosting has a MASSIVE attack (serious sad times, delayed a few project that I wanted to launch... lost one of the clients already, Sad Times, Never Minds).

But yeah', elected to not go on the starbucks run, and besides, as I was in cockfosters, I went to the awesome-o-deli and got bagels of joy.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:27, Reply)

If I hear the words 'epic' or 'banter', or even worse, 'epic banter' one more time I may have to strangle someone.
I hate students.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:11, Reply)

banter has totally been forced into common use
it's fucking shit.

It's a "lad" term as far as I can tell. "It's just banter innit mate!"

cunts
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:16, Reply)

also: randoms

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:16, Reply)

Agreed

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:17, Reply)

One manager says "we'll discuss this offline" in meetings
We're not ONline in meetings, we're in a room.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:13, Reply)

hello tripod
are you feeling better??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:19, Reply)

" ... and we'll revert with an update ... "
You'll do what? You might respond or reply, but you're not going to change back into something, are you? Gaaarrggh.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:17, Reply)

I'm pleased to report a good down turn in the erroneous use of "momentarily"
in recent times.

It used to drive me mental, but people seem to have stopped saying it. Or stopped meaning the wrong thing with it anyway.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:20, Reply)

It drove you mental .... momentarily?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:25, Reply)

for much longer than that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:26, Reply)

I was asked to "productise" something
What??
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:22, Reply)

Did you action it?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:48, Reply)

no

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:49, Reply)

Well, that just suggests a sheer lack of synergy.

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:09, Reply)

It seems I wasn't singing from the same hymnsheet
hence my upwards marketability is not A1....or something
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:11, Reply)

True story, sad thing happened to me last night.
I went to the lav at about 2 in the morning. As I sat down, I looked at my leg, and there was a really dark brown stuff caked to my inside thigh. I was like "WTF? Did I shit myself? What is this?" But it was in a localised part of my thigh, it would be all over me if I shat myself. So then I thought it might be mud, I was walking through a field before, maybe I got mud on my inner thigh? But how? I donno. So I picked at it, and it was crumbly, and it deffo wasn't shit, and it deffo wasn't mud. but what the hell is this? And then I remembered I took some easter egg to bed, to nosh on while I watch some telly, and I must have fallen asleep before I got to eat it.

I think this is one of those stories that are best left unsaid, but I was thinking about it just now and it made me laugh.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:44, Reply)

OH MY GOD IS THAT WHAT IS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:46, Reply)

Easter egg.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:46, Reply)

I thought I cleaned it all up

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:48, Reply)

Well you know what happened to thought
He thought it was a fart but ended up covered in easter egg chocolate
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Oh =S
I'll do the whole bathroom when I get home =)
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Why, what have you done to the rest of the bathroom?
Just needs a small sweep :)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:54, Reply)

A small sweep to clean up the chocolate, and a whole rundown because I ain't done it in yonks and feel a tad guilty about it (and the shock you must have had thinking what it could have been).

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:56, Reply)

I cleaned it yesterday
did you not notice it was all shiny?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Actually, you know what, now you mention it, I remember thinking it's quite prestine.
I'll do an awesome-o-dinner this week instead, fancy a uber-steak sandwich?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:11, Reply)

:D

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:46, Reply)

Smooth
if it helps at all, I've woken up with a half eaten slice of cheese on toast stuck to my arse before. I was also monstrously hungover though.
(berk, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:47, Reply)

My mate once woke up and found he
was wearing what amounted to a bra made of toast
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Chafey
come to think of it, I've also fallen asleep having dropped chocolate down my top and had a similar experience to Gonz. With the exception of it's quite difficult to shit oneself in the belly button when fully clothed...
(berk, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:58, Reply)

I'm sure it could be done

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:02, Reply)

you take easter eggs to bed?
in january?!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:49, Reply)

In all fairness Sexface brought it which probably accounts for the fact he fell asleep instantly after eating...

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:50, Reply)

I once woke up with a Laughing Cow triangle smeared all over my face
I couldn't find the foil though.
It turned up the next day when I did the Hoovering.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:50, Reply)

Whenever I hear 'Forward' Planning...
...I want to kill.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:47, Reply)

yes. we should all plan backwards, momentarily.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:52, Reply)

Top-shelf thinking!
Let's put this to bed.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:57, Reply)

now you're thinking outside the box

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:07, Reply)

What about reverse engineering?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:52, Reply)

that actually means something though

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:57, Reply)

I've got the day off, so nothing is annoying me anymore
Granted, I was pissed off this morning when I couldn't find sound drivers for the pc, but that's sorted now!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:57, Reply)

I second Barry on the use of 'banter'
Obnoxious lads word, often combined with 'good times man.'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Can we add "sick" to the list?
This, and other similar phrases, are regularly used by some people I know who can only be four or five years younger than me...I'm sure I didn't speak like such an insufferable cretin at that age.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:13, Reply)

did you see my fb message??
/fizzes
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:17, Reply)

the phrase 'you don't want to know' in response to a direct question.
also 'touch base' and 'do-able'.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:38, Reply)