Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Question containing AN ACTUAL QUESTION.I need to rustle up about 5 grand sharpish. I have no more loan/overdraft/credit card money available to me.
How do I do this without returning to my old grand-an-hour-for-having-sex-with-rich-and-attractive-widows business?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:02,
174 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
selling your soulOh wait you don't have one.
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:02,
Reply)
Some things a chap just cannot do, Jeff.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:08,
Reply)
The same thinking I'm guessing applies to any guitars you've got?(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:10,
Reply)
Or indeed any of the other stuff he's gotI think this will be a theme in his answers.
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Kroney, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:10,
Reply)
How aboutSELL STUFF
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:11,
Reply)
his guitars aren't valuable enoughas far as I know
I wish mine were...
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:11,
Reply)
You are correct.If I sold all three I'd get no more than about £500 I think.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:12,
Reply)
shame the westone isn't worth more reallynice guitars.
I just changed the valves in my amp which was exciting. Got to love 50 year old "technology"
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:16,
Reply)
That they are.I'd like a vintage Vox AC30.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:27,
Reply)
Mates rates?Or could someone you know take a loan out?
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:05,
Reply)
I'll buy your flat for £5k, I can have the money weird into your account by the end of buisness.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:05,
Reply)
£205k and it's yours. The boiler is nearly new.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:08,
Reply)
Is that a reference to your good lady, or your heating system?(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:09,
Reply)
Size? Location? Are there any good schools in the local area?(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:10,
Reply)
At least he'd drive slowly past the schools. Gotta think about the big picture here.(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:13, Reply)
Don't have a licanse or insruance, who do you think I am? Some kind of monster?(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:17,
Reply)
Or maybe 500 goes on lusty, naturally they'll be an expiry date, I don't want her when she's all old and stuff.That's like 20.8 hours work for, wait a sec, £100 a time? _and_ I'm buying in bulk? I'm mugging myself here. I was just thinking that it is 500 times the amount before, or 250 if you count the one that she doesn't count.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:08,
Reply)
Hahaha you're on very good form today.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:11,
Reply)
Fackin ellThe price of your weekly MDs has shot up a bit!
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:05,
Reply)
I need to rustle up about 5 grand sharpish.I have no more loan/overdraft/credit card money available to me.
How do I do this without returning to my old grand-an-hour-for-having-sex-with-rich-and-attractive-widows business?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:07,
Reply)
I wanted to go "can I have 5k?"then I could say "no"
But what's it for when do you need it etc.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:08, Reply)
I need it to live on.I am (as per fucking usual) sailing waaay too close to my limits. I need to clear my overdraft or (most of it) or lose a c/c so that I can live within (or near as dammit) my paltry income.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:14,
Reply)
What'll it matter, you'll be dead soon(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:15,
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This is the only comfort I can cling to.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:16,
Reply)
the rest of us are also clinging to that(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:19,
Reply)
Oh thank fuck for that, that's a lot better than I thought it would be.Drop me an email with all your debts on which cards they are how much you owe how much you pay every month. I'll have a look.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:16, Reply)
I will compile my list of shame. Thank you.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:27,
Reply)
Become a hitmanYou only need to knock off one decent target and you're made.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:08, Reply)
Can I choose who? There must be a rich Bowie-hater out there.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:09,
Reply)
I'll pay a tennerIt's all I have but hey, you get to kill Bowie so everyone wins right?
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Peej, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 15:34,
Reply)
Mock robery?Say you gaff has been turned over and go down the insurance fraud route.*
*Don't do this, it's a silly idea involving SOCO and the rozzers.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:08,
Reply)
Having the old bill round my house is not a good idea.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:09,
Reply)
I did that.And I'm almost halfway to clearing my debts.
Plus I'm the best barmaid in the North West. 'Best' in that I do very little and drink wine from the customers for half my shift.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:24,
Reply)
I am out of the house 7:15-7:15 Mon-Friand see Len on one night+next day each weekend.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:28,
Reply)
There you go, a couple of 8-close barshifts!Mine's a pint of golden, sweetcheeks.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:39,
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Christ the very thought of it makes me feel ill.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:44,
Reply)
Take out an insurance policy on your lifeAnd then fake your own death.
Not only will you have a fair amount of money, you probably won't have to pay the five grand off anyway.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:10, Reply)
why do you need 5k all of a sudden?Are you buying lusty a MASSIVE
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:12,
Reply)
OMG they're totally getting married!Woo for b3tan weddings!
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:13,
Reply)
There are rather a lot of themand I am rather old.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:15,
Reply)
+ and ugly and smelly and diseased
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:18,
Reply)
go to McDonald'sget a hot apple pie and scald your genitals with it (something about a pastry prophylactic). Compensation will ensue.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:13, Reply)
Orget yourself into a prang in your car and claim whiplash. They can't prove it either way. Where there's a blame...
Obviously this kind of behaviour, and even the thinking behind it, is utterly reprehensible and unbecoming. On OTHER PEOPLE
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:19, Reply)
tell the person/people you owe if they don't forgive the debt you will kill them then shag them(
Lisette von Falcon, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:13,
Reply)
I think Kristine is on to something here(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:15,
Reply)
Zopa.comP2P loans... if it is just bank credit that you are screwed for
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:16, Reply)
You know all those massive drugs?If you sell, rather than snort, them, you will find your wodge increasing steadily. How long would it normally take you to take £5K's worth of coke? 2, maybe 3 hours? Get to work now and you'll be solvent by teatime.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:17, Reply)
I've been waiting for you to come online.AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-YAHHHHH-GAYLORD ! *puts on a normal voice* "HELLO MY NAME IS MARTIN, I AM 32 FROM NORFOLK ! I AM A TELECOMUNICATIONS ANALIST" GAAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHHA.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:19,
Reply)
I also watched it,I bet he was livid he wasn't the campest guy on the show.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:21, Reply)
He's so gay that he can't even be the most gayest person there, he's even gay at being gay, WHAT A GAYLORD.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:22,
Reply)
I was, I really wasI mean, the cheque they gave me at the end helped, but there was a good 45 minutes or so where I was fucking OUTRAGED
Thanks for watching it.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:37, Reply)
I'm gutted you voted off the DEFINATLY NOT A NONCE puppeteerhe was lol.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:47, Reply)
We all felt really bad about that as he hadn't done anything wrongMy vote was based on the likelihood of him getting something really fucking easy wrong later on. Or killing and eating one of us.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:53, Reply)
Ah, yes, well, you've made a mistake here, PaulI actually said "from Norwich".
So fucking there.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:24, Reply)
I'll have you know I'm probably the only person here that didn't watch it.So I won't call you camp or gay.
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Lisette von Falcon, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:33,
Reply)
Cheers babeI wasn't actually all that camp or gay last night. I think that's why they're upset
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:36, Reply)
I didn't - but I will anyway.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:36,
Reply)
Sorry, I get my "Town begining with 'N' that I don't really care about" mixed up.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:52,
Reply)
If it helps, he came off alright in that show, wasn't bad at all.You've got to redicule someone who you know who's been on telly, it's the done thing, even if he was on the news giving out the cure for cancer, I would have given the same reaction.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:04,
Reply)
I actually completely believe youand you're almost literally the last person I expected this reaction from - and I did expect some abuse, for some bizarre reason - so thank you for granting my day the gift of surprise
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)
I've just had a thought - are you on FB?Just wondering, I'm not going to cyber-sex you or anything
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:37, Reply)
I couldn't see itotherwise you would have been getting both barrels. You got off lightly sunshine.
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:25,
Reply)
did you know pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is the longest word?(
Lisette von Falcon, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:10,
Reply)
Norfolk's not a town, and nor is NorwichYou're on a roll. I strongly advise you never apply for the Weakest Link
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:06, Reply)
Bwahahahahahaaaaawww.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00yhv5x/sign/Weakest_Link_02_02_2011/
Actually having watched it now I can say that you did a bloody good job and I am very impressed.
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Peej, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 15:45,
Reply)
Sell your life story as a Guy Ritchie crime caperIt's lolwaki enough to be the next Lock Stock.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:19,
Reply)
I know a bloke who might be able to help Monty.Well, I say 'know' I've been e-mailing him.
Turns out he is a Nigerian prince and is trying to get 100s of millions out of the country and he needs to use my bank account to facilitate such a transaction.
I'm in a benevolent mood, so if you'd like these untold riches, let me know and you can do the deal with him instead.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:20,
Reply)
Just for one year lay off the expensive food, booze, records etc and you'll probably be back on track.A year goes by so quickly at our age.
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girlinthehole, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:20,
Reply)
You'd better had now that tiddler's mobile in your flat.Aunt Roota is watching.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:36,
Reply)
She's almost never in my flat.When she is due I make sure the hatches are fully battened-down.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:41,
Reply)
I always enjoy your bizarre battlesDrugs Vs Daughter!
Search for the SMACKdown
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:44,
Reply)
I have not the faintest idea what you are on about.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:45,
Reply)
Because you're on massive drugsDid you see my reply way back when that I'd be up for going to see The Zombies?
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:48,
Reply)
I did - I am looking into it.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:16,
Reply)
The tickets are £5,025.00Right Monty?
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:27,
Reply)
He only finds it by accident when he's doing the annual dusting.Not smack. he's not on smack. It was bizarre hallucinogens or something. I bet it was Junior Disprol.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:48,
Reply)
Check behind all of the chests of drawers againIn fact, doing that might bring up money as well as drugs.
I once found £40 down my sofa. And a sock. I was mortified about the sock because my ex's mother was there.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:46,
Reply)
There's a wrap of DMT behind my records(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:17,
Reply)
Just a fact. No strings attached.If you do burgle me I recommend you smoke it though. You won't believe it.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:34,
Reply)
:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((I don't why I did that ^
Maybe I thought if I did a Lab impression I'd cheer up a bit.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:32,
Reply)
I thought you were peering at us over a stack of mini pancakes.(
Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:36,
Reply)
oh my god I want some pancakes now(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:39,
Reply)
With golden syrup.And a separate stack with maple syrup.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:44,
Reply)
I have some Lyle's Golden in my kitchen at all times for rocky road emergencies.I have to pretend it's piss so I don't go at the tin with a spoon.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:47,
Reply)
If your piss comes out like syrupYou need to drink more water.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:48,
Reply)
And bicarb/lemon juicebut not too much bicarb because you get explosive diaorrhea
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:49,
Reply)
"shit yourself inside-out the bicarb way"I've never noticed this - how much do you have to take to be too much?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:09,
Reply)
I see.I use it as an indigestion remedy sometimes so I'll watch that...
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:35,
Reply)
You're evidently not a moron if you've been doing it a long time and not taken too much yet.It causes diffusion of water into the colon, so I think it happens mainly when you down it with a lot of liquid.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:44,
Reply)
Classic example of me typing before I've chosen the sentence in my mindWas going to say "if you're pissing-"
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:28,
Reply)
Oh I could go for some lovely fluffy pancakes right about now.Might drag my flatmate to an early brunch on Saturday. Calolries.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:56,
Reply)
I have an excellent recipe for proper american pancakesthey are fucking lush.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:27, Reply)
I can't wait for you to die(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:39,
Reply)
That's not Lab how dare you!He looks like this
-:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:40,
Reply)
HAHAHA!I've lost some weight now, so you can shave off at least two of those parentheses.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:42,
Reply)
aww you not my squishy bear any more?labby not squishy wishy bear no more?
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:45,
Reply)
Still a stone to go to reach my arbitrarily set targetBut 6lbs lost in two weeks is good.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:47,
Reply)
That is very good well doneI don't think I've lost any weight but I only walk abut a mile a day and probably still eat a load of crap. Yummy yummy fatty crap
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:49,
Reply)
Thanks! I've been very good about not eating crapBut shit with exercise. Now I've recovered from the lurgy and the evenings are getting longer I'll go cycling. Promise.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:51,
Reply)
I keep saying I'll walk home from work. In the summer I could bus halfway then go walking round a parkthen amble back. Lots of parks near me as well which is nice
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:53,
Reply)
Don't go walking in London parks.You'll only get raped within an inch of your life. And then mugged another inch.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:06,
Reply)
That's two inches off thoughGreat for the waistline.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:13,
Reply)
So if you get raped to within an inch of your lifeand then mugged another inch...you're effectively being mugged to death?
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:13, Reply)
yep, it's the mugging that kills you.It would be difficult to rape TGB to death *drags out slightly tedious cavernous mimsy meme*
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:16,
Reply)
More porn films.(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:38,
Reply)
Can I convince you to come out of retirement?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:42,
Reply)
Hmm.Lampito- Cuming Out Of Retirement. It could work.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:45,
Reply)
Be careful, now.Dutch Schteve is on the market for a niche bi-film. So I've heard. And is £5K really worth Dutch Schteve firing in the fuck-juice, yesh?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:00,
Reply)
Seeing as Monty's been doing Schteve for free, I can't see it being a problem.Or is your concern for Lampers? If so it's probably unwarranted.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:18, Reply)
Reckon this was Dutch Schteve?b3ta.com/questions/mobiles/post493444
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:23,
Reply)
Dutch Schteve only does "soft cock" now.fear of the gush.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:33,
Reply)
Rent a roomYes it's shit but it's your only reasonable hope, and invariably tax free.
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 13:50,
Reply)
Sensible suggestion is sensible.Unless Monty's only got one spare room, that might rather scupper daughter visits.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:01,
Reply)
+ his ex may not want Monts Jr to go round if a random is there(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:03,
Reply)
That and living with a random would be infuriating; additionally the tenant not appreciate his nocturnal activities and subsequently fuck off but meh(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:07,
Reply)
Thanks, but I only have a 1-bed cockney hovel.Had I a spare bedroom I would do this immediately and spend all my time round Lusty's.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:05,
Reply)
I must remember I live on the ground floor and to draw those pesky curtains.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:23,
Reply)
I know someone in that position, but they rent out the lounge - £600 per month in N4Really if you rented the flat out *cough, not declaring the income* and rented a studio in Finchley you'd make up on the rent and travel costs to a good degree.
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:09,
Reply)
People will pay to live in the sitting room?Good Lord I had no idea. Mine's in trendy Broadway Market E2, so some wankstain with a fixed-wheel bike might pay me to 'hang out' in my 'cool pad'.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:15,
Reply)
Bit too close to home to be funny for me.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:35,
Reply)
The London Marathon is in April.Get yourself on various holiday message boards and start flogging tickets to see the runners going by to American and Japanese tourists.
You can charge them more if they want to stand by one of the tourist-sights and see the runners.
You'll clean up.
(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:18,
Reply)
Balance transfers - moneysavingexpert.com will point you in the right directionAside from that, maybe you could sell your blood for drug addicts to drink?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:22,
Reply)
Fucking hell Monts, I'd help if I couldBut that'd wipe me out for *censored* months.
(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:29,
Reply)
Thanks all the same young man.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 14:35,
Reply)
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