Hello
I'm ill. My inconsiderate wife and daughter keep trying to pass their diseases on to me. This time they've succeeded. My wife has also disfigured me.

What have your family been doing to drain all the happiness and joy from your life recently?
( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:59, 101 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Dying.
How are you, you tiny bastard? Apart from ill...
( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:59, Reply)

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:09, Reply)

I like this!
I have no idea what it is about but I like it
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Al is making fun of the fact that my mum is dead.

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:15, Reply)

I dont like it as much now
sorry
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Isn't he lovely?

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Oh man, when you say it like that I feel really bad, like I've done something wrong.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Look at her zombie beer though!
CUTE!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:18, Reply)

She actually would have liked this

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Oh man, NOW you tell me.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Ha!

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Really, Al? Really?

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:20, Reply)

You were born
For that you should be hanged.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:21, Reply)

*clicks*

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Really, really, really, really, really, really angry
Work in general is pissing me off.

Yesterday we had multiple problems with our website.

During initial discussions with my boss he made a suggestion analagous to saying that the reason the lock on our door is broken is because we have some posters up encouraging people to come to the shop.

I investigated the issues and emailed my boss a summary of what was wrong and what I'd not had time to fix because I had to go home. Today he exclaims that he'd looked into it yesterday afternoon and found the problem. Strangely it was exactly what I'd said. *facepalm*

This is the tip of the tip of the ice-berg.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:10, Reply)

When are you resigning?

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Not soon enough :(

( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:18, Reply)

But just think
soon, you'll be able to play with your baby in bear suit all day!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Bear suits all round!

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:21, Reply)

She doesn't fit in it anymore :(
On the brightside she's much more interactive and her laugh is brilliant. Really cheers me up after a day at work.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:22, Reply)

I love that you're going to be wearing hand-me-downs from your infant daughter.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:25, Reply)

She is a properly cute baby.
The mrs is always showing my photos of the kids of people she knows and saying "Aren't they cute" when really they look like they've had a brick in the face. But your kid is really, really cute. Which given it's father is quite amazing.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Despite this
I'm *still* not allowed to use her as my wingman.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:31, Reply)

Do they make aviator shades in baby sizes?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:32, Reply)

They make aviators that fit me

( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:34, Reply)

I can imagine you in a pub, enjoying a pint with the newspaper
Baby on the stool next to you, two hotties come to the bar, one turns to you and says "Aaaaaah, isn't she just the cutest" and you say "Yeah, she's lovely isn't she. You know, if you play your cards right, you could have one of your own." and there would be an uncomfortable silence and then you'd say "but not your friend, she's a bit rough, it would contaminate the genes".
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:38, Reply)

Certainly beats my plan
"Her mother died in labour. I hope she turns out alright without a woman in her life."
( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:50, Reply)

You've changed man, you've changed.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:28, Reply)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:27, Reply)

I miss you.

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Your aim sucks

( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Your mum sucks

( thealternativefact, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Not very well at the moment
She has a cold.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Disfigured? Has she been beating you with a potato in a sock?
I avoid my family as much as possible and thus, nothing.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:04, Reply)

That's a traditional Irish greeting, isn't it?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:07, Reply)

My mother simply refuses to die, and I am well skint innit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:07, Reply)

Kill your brother first
Then your mother. Twice as much inheritance
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:18, Reply)

Well, I'm missing a night out next weekend due to it being my nephew's christening the next day
That's a bit of a bastard, I feel.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:07, Reply)

christenings can fuck off

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:08, Reply)

My child isn't and won't be christened. Eff that, yo.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Ours were done for good schools

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:17, Reply)

I would have done that
only where we are it would have made precisely sod all difference.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:18, Reply)

Because of all the asians round where you live.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Coming over here, breeding like rats.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Stealing our school places.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Aye, my thoughts exactly
My sister feels the same, but her husband is a big believer in tradition, and knows he'd never hear the end of it from his Mum if they didn't do it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:22, Reply)

If the kid's been born out of wedlock he shouldn't really be christened.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:27, Reply)

No point, going to purgatory anyway, eh?
Oh no hang on, didn't they 'abolish' purgatory recently?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:55, Reply)

Not much really
My Dad took me to a lovely restaurant near Hull the other day (yes, they exist), I just popped over to Berlin to see my sister, and my Mum bought me an excellent birthday present.

Then I had to start thinking about Piston Broke's glistening buttocks pumping up and down out of time, with some raggedy sharp breathing and *shudder*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:19, Reply)

AWOOGA
What a rush
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:21, Reply)

You fucking sicken me.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:21, Reply)

IT WAS THE OAPS FAULT

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:25, Reply)

nothing, particularly. my family are mostly lovely.
In fact, apart from mr b3th, they very rarely do anything much to piss me off. You know, except for when djtp throws one of his hissy fits and deletes swathes of good facebook comments...

Also, please do not pass your illnesses throughthe internets. i do not want them.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:31, Reply)

Just went to the drum shop to buy sone cymbals
And ended up buying another drum kit. Fucks sake I am stupid . It is gorgeous though
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:45, Reply)

You're right, you are stupid.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:46, Reply)

oh thank god
I thought I'd killed another thread.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:52, Reply)

I miss you and your sexy wife V. when are you coming to London next?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:46, Reply)

Are you coming for Sushi on saturday night?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:46, Reply)

Erm.
I don't rightly know. We're near London in May but I've got my exams so I doubt I'll be socialising although there might be a small possibility.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:50, Reply)

I know you aren't
I was asking blue green olga
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:51, Reply)

Fucking wrong reply button

( Captain V, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:01, Reply)

come out to play before you become an old wizened cunt who dances for his daughters friends

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:54, Reply)

I DON'T HAVE EXAMS!
Tayyabs?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 15:05, Reply)

dunno, no one told me about it. when and where as I'm supposed to be drinking.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:52, Reply)

It's on the calendar.
Gonz has organised a trip to his new favourite sushi restaurant in southgate.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:54, Reply)

I might do

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:01, Reply)

How're you doing?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:01, Reply)

I had bad plague for a few days, but seem to be mending now. how's you?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:08, Reply)

Yeah not too bad thanks.
Been worse etc. *shrugs*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:11, Reply)

Ooo hello

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:05, Reply)

ello spaceboy

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:10, Reply)

How are the sick animals?
Also, drinks.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:21, Reply)

I've got a baby tabby next to me demanding attention because we lopped his balls off.
Sure, when?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:43, Reply)

I've just done a wizard wheeze.
I bought my ex a mother's day card 'from our daughter' in Waterstone's. It reads 'to a lovely mum' in hand-written text on the front, but the way it's written it looks more like 'to a lonely mum'.

This has made me do a petty-spite-lol.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:00, Reply)

You would have loved Berlin
Highlights were the remaining bit of der Flackturm, the Topography of Terror, the punks vs skinheads, no black people etc.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:04, Reply)

I have never been to Germany and I'd really, really like to.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:05, Reply)

£30 from Stansted
Can still smoke in bars, 20 smokes are 3.40, people are lovely, obviously interesting history. I'm going back in May I think.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:06, Reply)

Decent beer?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:08, Reply)

Better than the most of the stuff here, even the cheap ones.
Most of it is brewed in and around Berlin too. Didn't have too much though.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:09, Reply)

Oh, obviously.
I've never been to my semi-homeland, if it's as good as it seems from that post I will look into it over the summer.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Maybe we could arrange a family outing?
I'll ask your mother.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:13, Reply)

That would be fucking incredible.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:14, Reply)

I'd be up for that!

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:18, Reply)

This could be a fucking excellent idea.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:22, Reply)

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
This has to happen.
( wanderlust, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Plus they have Lucky Strike
rolling tobacco... a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/208401_10150164590968913_509488912_6464278_6872203_n.jpg
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:19, Reply)

I had no idea such a substance existed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:22, Reply)

Used to be able to get it in France
Then it mysteriously disappeared, then I found it again in the last few days. I was overjoyed. God bless those smoky Germans!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:24, Reply)

I'm surprised to hear they're still OK re smoking
being the healthy, green nation they seem to be these days.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:25, Reply)

The smoking in bars thing is excellent
Banned nationwide, but Berlin's council declared it unconstitutional and it's basically up to the bar owners now! Most restaurants don't allow it but after 11 it's anyone's game!

Was excellent to have a drink and a smoke inside again.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:30, Reply)

In Germany?
Seriously?

Home of en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinheitsgebot ?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:09, Reply)

My dad lives in Munich
I've been over there and did the sightseeing and drank an awful lot of beer. Sadly we didn't hit up any of the Nazi themed attractions.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Swastikas are illegal over there aren't they?
I'd best wear long-sleeved t-shirts when I visit...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:27, Reply)

My mum sent me sparkly headband yesterday. She is lovely.
I'm on my way to breakfast with Charmeleon, which is exciting.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Does it say "WARNING"
on it?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:09, Reply)

What, the breakfast?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:12, Reply)

THIS BREAKFAST
*smack*
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:29, Reply)

No, it's grey with gems on.
I am wearing a necklace that says "gin" though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:13, Reply)

Aw :(

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:21, Reply)

Are you in New York?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:22, Reply)

Yet another grand social ruckus that I have been excluded from on account of my creed.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 13:29, Reply)