What the fuck is going on!?
Too many people with variations of Monty Boyce as their username! Who's who? I don't know!
Right that's it! *flounces*
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 5:43, 178 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Morning all
Kids don't seem to ever fucking sleep so I've been up for ages. What is damp pork man doing posting so early?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 6:43, Reply)

Why don't you use ear plugs?
Wet ham man should be dry cured.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 7:08, Reply)

Ear plugs dont stop them running into your room
Gaffa tape?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:06, Reply)

I've had to get up early again, even though it's my week off. *grumbles*

( girlinthehole, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:21, Reply)

weak bladder function is a bitch, innit? ;)

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:31, Reply)

That and the night sweats.

( girlinthehole, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:36, Reply)

I've discovered they go away if you entirely stop drinking.
Not that it's worth it. I'd rather put up with a bit of sweating.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:37, Reply)

That's not sweat
Sorry Blousie

*zips back up surreptitiously*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:38, Reply)

Morning, oh man of water ridden pork.
I cooked a chicken, mushroom and cream thing with pasta last night, it was very nice. Only downside is that 1 1/2 packs of mushrooms wasn't enough, which was unexpected.

How are you?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:32, Reply)

Not enough for how many people?
Mushrooms do shrink when you cook them, mind.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:35, Reply)

3 people, and I've got enough left over for another 3 portions

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:36, Reply)

You are the Messiah AICMFP

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:47, Reply)

He's not the messiah, he's a
cross-dresser.

/film
/impressing ladies with knowledge of Monty Python
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:51, Reply)

*gets wood*
/Olympic-level backfire
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:54, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Morning you glorious bastards
Let's talk about anything other than football. The only football-related topic I'm prepared to engage in is imaginative ways for Steve McLaren to die.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:39, Reply)

You just talked about football.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:41, Reply)

Gosh darn it, you got me
Monters. This possible drinks thing I proposed for the 9th. Am considering getting into London for 4 instead of 6 to allow for more beer time, but obviously will feel like a fucking plum if I do so and no-one can make it. In theory, would you be up for a few pints?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:46, Reply)

Undoubtedly.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:48, Reply)

Excellent news
Apart from rather looking forward to meet you, I don't want to get into London three hours before the gig with no drinking buddies. Do you think you can cope with three hours of mine and CQ's company without "turning"?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:52, Reply)

I could go on a world tour with Marc Almond and Bronski Beat
and even that couldn't bent me up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:57, Reply)

Challenge accepted!
*rolls up sleeves*

rolls lubes
sleeves (left blank for your suggestion)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:59, Reply)

cat?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Why do you ALWAYS have to take it too far?!
Good result against the local shower on Monday night
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Indeed
I have devised a cunning plan for McClaren and Bruce. I'm going to kill both of them by having McClaren hold his brolly up then I'll drop Bruce on him from a great height. This should get rid of both of them
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:07, Reply)

I'm in
*invests in Steve Bruce-proof crane*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:13, Reply)

This may require more money than I'd originally thought

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:23, Reply)

If it makes McLaren die horribly I'll lift the cunt myself
Or find the means to... if only I knew several muscular, oiled-up men...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:27, Reply)

How about the fact that yet another teacher has been done for 'inappropriate actions', and it's made it it trial?
Only for the case to be very quickly closed, he (like so many others) has been found not guilty, yet I very much doubt that those who levelled charges against him will be charged.

I fucking hate kids these days.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:43, Reply)

Yeah, the little bastards - we should set the nonces on them
That'd teach them a lesson
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:44, Reply)

Well, if they're shown to be lying, can't they be done for perjury?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:45, Reply)

perjury would be lying under oath in court
they could be done for wasting police time, however.

I know that these cases are fucking annoying when they happen, but you do know it's very rare, right? and that it's just the Daily Fail stirring shit generally?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:47, Reply)

Damn those sexy, sexy kids.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:48, Reply)

I meant kids making shit up about teachers
but, yeah, that too.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:48, Reply)

Aye, I know it's rare, but I personally know one person who was put through it (although it turned out later to be half true, but it hadn't started until after she'd left school)
Then, there was a young teacher at my old school who has now decided she doesn't want to teach anymore, after having accusations that she slept with a pupil levelled against her. That one also made it all the way to court, before she was found not guilty. Again, the kid came away without punishment.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:50, Reply)

I put it to you that you simply know a higher proportion of kiddie fiddlers than normal.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:54, Reply)

I thought it was ok for female teachers to sleep with their pupils?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:56, Reply)

not really, no.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:57, Reply)

Still... phwoar, eh? Phwoar...
Wish she were MY teacher... etc.

No?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:58, Reply)

Most of my female teachers
could have given an instaflop to a viagra'd teenage internerd. So, I'm afraid this is a wankzone I missed out on.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Same here
All were at least the age of my parents.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:03, Reply)

It could have been worse.
My mum got to the last two for a physics teacher post at my school, but lost out because the other candidate could also teach archery, thank fuck. Trufax - she ended up teaching at my brother's school instead...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:08, Reply)

My Mum taught at my Primary School
That was shit.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:09, Reply)

My Mum taught at my SECONDARY school
Taught my class, in fact. Every time she gave a kid detention they threatened to beat me up unless I got her to revoke it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Oof, that's not good
Luckily, I was never allowed to be taught by her, but if I didn't behave, I wasn't given a chance before they told my Mum, unlike the other kids.

Lucky fuckers
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Presumably this explains why you went off the rails so spectacularly when you turned 11

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Nah, I went 'off the rails' in year 10, when I was 14
Just stopped caring about academia.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:24, Reply)

I bet you were all over the glue like a cheap suit

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:28, Reply)

In all seriousness
Yes, things like that are an issue, but I think there are bigger problems in general ill-discipline and violence towards teachers than isolated occurences like this.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:57, Reply)

I agree, very much so.
My problem is that all the teachers seem to be guilty until proven innocent, most will lose their jobs, regardless of the outcome, and the kids who levelled the accusations are never punished.

I am of the opinion that harsher punishments in school would be a good idea too.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:00, Reply)

So is anyone accused of any form of rape or sexual assult*.
why should teachers be treated any differently?

*not that I think this is right, either, but it's how it is.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:02, Reply)

The people in question can often move elsewhere, and start again
Due to the teaching profession, they generally can't, as you'll get fucking idiots complaining if they're hired elsewhere.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:03, Reply)

Ok, sorry, badly phrased
Assume the person is a teacher, regardless. If they are accused of a sexual offence outside school not involving a pupil they will be named and their career ended. So why should it be different if it invovles a pupil?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:05, Reply)

You make a very good point here, and if I didn't have what appears to be a gargantuan hangover sneaking up on me, I'd continue this discussion
However, thinking is hurting my head, so I'll leave this, for now.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:08, Reply)

no worries
I would point out that as far as I'm concerned, you're entirely correct, it's a fucking disgrace, but I'm just pointing out why that disgrace is at least equal across all scenarios. If that makes sense.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:11, Reply)

It does make sense, very much so.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:16, Reply)

There's not much to do in Macclesfield

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:57, Reply)

One from Nottingham, one in Crosby.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:58, Reply)

I assume the Nottingham one is dashing, handsome and charming, but with poor taste?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:59, Reply)

No
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:00, Reply)

He's not from Nottingham, he's nowhere near good-looking enough
He's just claiming it for the glamour
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:02, Reply)

I met most of them on here.
Nah, the one I know is a friend of my boss who used to work here, the other is simply because I used to go to that school.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:58, Reply)

I think the way it usually works is we still are suspicious of the poor bastard involved
Doesn't matter if they're proven innocent in a court of law, we can still suck in air between our teeth and mutter something about "no smoke without fire", then hound them out of town.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:48, Reply)

I really hate that fact, it's ridiculous how the papers report the cases, guilty until proven innocent
The one that springs to mind here is mostly Chris Jefferies.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:54, Reply)

Might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb, I say.
If I was a primary school teacher I'd shag the fucking lot of 'em.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:47, Reply)

What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty four year olds....?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:49, Reply)

Well, unless they did anything stupid diet-wise in their teens
they're usually in possession of great bodies, still pretty lithe, little or no sagging, they've had enough experience to be comfortable and experimental sexually but haven't usually be driven to cynicsim by a succession of inept partners .... wait, I'm not doing this right, am I?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:53, Reply)

No, it's fine, keep going...
I'm nearly there.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:54, Reply)

.......there's twenty of them!

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:55, Reply)

The BBC live text thing broke out a 'brolly' graphic in his honour last night
I say stick a brolly full of bees up his arse, open it and hang it from a tree. Or sack him and see if 'Jossy' (of Giants fame) is available.

EDIT: How are you doing in the B3ta fantasy football league? (if indeed you joined the B3ta fantasy football league) I'm up to the dizzy heights of 18th.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:53, Reply)

God that programme was dire.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:01, Reply)

51st :-(

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Oh dear, still..
at the end of the day it's a game of two halves and it's still early doors.

/footyclichegenerator

Darth's keeping quiet, he must be emulating his team at the moment.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Greetings, aqua-porcine-hombre.
I have cloned myself. That's all. It was the only way I could think of that would enable me to sex up all the hot ladies who pester me night and day.

Good things: I just have to get through today and tomorrow and then I am off for ten days. I am just praying the soonsheeeine holds out.
Also, I am having a whopper party on Saturday with one of the worst people I have ever met.

On the neggy-neggy, my ex is being a cunt and I'm about to turn thirty-fucking-eight.

How are things in the murky land of Poseidon's pig-farm?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:40, Reply)

I read that in the style of Noel Gallagher, who is a cunt.
Therefore, you are a cunt. You cunt.

Morning fella, hope all is well.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:43, Reply)

I thought all you outdoor-lavveh types loved him?
I'm in denial about a sore throat/cold. I plan to drink myself better*

*sound medical theory
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:46, Reply)

As a doctor I heartily recommend this treatment plan.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:48, Reply)

I've always worked on the premise that
I drink and smoke weed all the time, but your cold virus is not used to being exposed to these things so won't stand up to it as well...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:50, Reply)

until you generate a mutated form that can tolerate booze and skunk, though
then we're all fucked and it'll be your fault.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:54, Reply)

On the plus side, they might name it after me

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:55, Reply)

I recently fucked my immune system sideways with half a bottle of red wine
It turns out that it had barely been clinging on, and daring to celebrate a rare Forest win on Saturday night caused me to spend entirety of the next day lying in bed gibbering and cursing Ishmael Miller's name
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Anti-semitism?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:59, Reply)

Possibly
Do you get black Jews now?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:00, Reply)

Not in my back yard!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Those are moles

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:03, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I give you
Sammy Davis Jr, and Whoopi Goldberg. Do with them what you will.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:05, Reply)

This is the toughest game of "who would you rather?" I've ever played

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:07, Reply)

Sammy Davis Jnr.?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Jack Benny: "What's your handicap?"
Sammy Davis Jr: "Talk about handicap — I'm a one-eyed Negro Jew."

In case you don't understand, he was asking about his golf handicap
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Ah, he was making it up
A black, Jewish, half-blind Puerto Rican proving to a prejudiced American public that all you need to become rich and famous is a ludicrous amount of talent and very well-connected friends? I heard he was actually a blonde caucasian with 20/20 vision who blacked up for sympathy lols.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:07, Reply)

You're driveling again Foxtrot
It must be the syphilis.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:08, Reply)

We've all done that

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Not I
There are no black people in Norwich
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Well of course not.
That would mean someone had gone outside of their own family gene pool.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Do sheep count?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:16, Reply)

No, you're thinking of horses. And dogs. But only if you train them.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Ahh, right
Cheers
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:18, Reply)

SPEAK NOT THE DEVIL'S TONGUE

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Sammy Davis Jnr.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Jewnior?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I can't fucking stand the Gallaghers
Sounds like a plan!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:55, Reply)

My mate (who is a bouncer) once took great delight in telling whichever is the more obnoxious one to fuck off.
It's a simple story, but it makes me happy, apparently the other one is quite nice, if rather apologetic for his cock-head brother.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:03, Reply)

wait...
Liam's defintely a cunt. Noel's definitely a cunt. Is there a third Gallagher on the grassy knoll?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Not a clue.
Sorry, I know very little about Oasis except for their epic shitness.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:06, Reply)

They supported my mate's band in the early nineties.
they were cunts then, too

/my only "tesco value Monty" rock'n'roll story.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:10, Reply)

There is a fat brother called Paul
But he is also a cunt.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Yes.
I believe he's called Paul, or something. He wasn't enough of a twat to join the group.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Rumour has it that Noel can be a nice bloke
as long as he's a) not talking about his astonishingly inept musicianship, of which he is bizarrely proud, and b) in the company of Liam, who he is genuinely embarrassed by.

There is a third Gallagher brother, who has never besmirched the world of music despite an abject lack of talent in the field.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Never besmirched the world of music?
I give you Brubaker: www.last.fm/music/Brubaker
Admittedly he only managed them, and they were shit in their own right. But still, he was involved and was indeed a cunt.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:19, Reply)

That's news to me, I admit
If it's all the same to you, I won't click the link. I've an inkling I may regret it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Give this a listen then
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvV4RD2zKoc
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I'm going to need a description
if it's remotely Oasis-related I cannot be held responsible for my actions
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:29, Reply)

It's fine - it's death metal

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Heavy as fuck.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:33, Reply)

That might be the best death metal song title I've ever heard

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Their song titles aren't the most 'metal', but some do amuse me. Here's the track listing for that album.
01. Gash In The Attic 04:50
02. Cyclopath 04:09
03. (O)Beast 04:48
04. Chicken Poodle Soup 04:30
05. Semi Skinned Milf 06:02
06. Killed to Bits 04:52
07. Quadraspaz 03:47
08. Centipaedophile 04:43
09. Columbine Harvester 04:42
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Hahaha
They're the Steel Panther of Death Metal
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:42, Reply)

The bassist is a good mate of mine as well
If I can, I'll be getting hammered with the band this weekend, in Liverpool.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:43, Reply)

*shockers*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Morning all
I'm in early today and I have to train 2 cunts in some stuff later on, despite pointing out to people I do not do training even if I am "really good at it" because I hate training (and to a lesser extent people in general). I'm trying to think of creative ways of fucking it up such that I'm not asked to do it again but don't actually get fired.

All suggestions gratefully received, if I use them and they work I'll buy you a pint at the bash.

Despite all this I am quite cheery, mostly because it's only 2 days to PierBash 2011, best of all the non-London bashs
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Is train 2 cunts
a new sector, like business 2 business ?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:03, Reply)

If only.
One of them's OK, he's one of our cunts and will at least pretend to understand what I am telling him. The other one is someone else's and has a reputation for wrong-headed stupidity.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Black up before the training session?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:09, Reply)

I think, just think mind, that that might be grounds for summary dismissal.
this might violate the 'not getting fired' part of the plan. I did shave the sides of my head and re-dye my hair red last night, but experience has shown people are not put off by this.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Just be careful out here.
The chavs in Weston are not the most tolerant or cosmopolitan bunch. If you look even the tiniest bit individual, you WILL get stared at. And probably poked.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Foreplay in Weston sounds fun

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:18, Reply)

It's OK, I have left London before.
I know how Yokels act. I plan to scare them off which my shirt. if not I shall make fire and while they are distracted I'll make a fun for it.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:18, Reply)

This is excellent tpying
*makes fun for it*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Curse my useless fingers/brain.
This is why I don't get on with Linux.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Surely a case of political correctness gone mad?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:23, Reply)

Can't you just drag it out
show them the same steps over and over again, no matter how stupid they are, treat them as if they are 10 degrees stupider than that so they get really frustrated.

And make sure it takes so long that they leave only half trained.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:14, Reply)

I suspect I may not have to try to do this.
Apparently the man has trouble telling a .jpg from a .png if I didn't know for a fact his name was not Martin (33 fudge analyst from Norwich) I'd suspect I was training Foxtrot.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Just do it,
then send an email to HR expaining how the extra responsibility of training falls outside your core duties and that your expectation is that it deserves a significant pay rise.
You wont get asked again.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:22, Reply)

"how to never progress in your chosen career, ever"
by Chompy
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I'm not the one trying to avoid new responsibilites, he is.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:26, Reply)

The Applerentice

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:28, Reply)

You missed Applebite defending you against swipe last night.
It was funny.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:31, Reply)

I saw, she told me briefly on fb.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:34, Reply)

You're supposed to be the one white knighting girls, Chompo
You lose some sweaty-virgin-internet points, I'm afraid.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Does this mean we can't be friends anymore?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:40, Reply)

I'm willing to give you one more chance
but I want to hear no more tales of girls beating people up on the internet for you.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:41, Reply)

They covered each other in oil and everything.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Don't turn it into something it's not,
a 20 year old student legitimatley telling a 30 something year old lawyer to grow up. Is good enough as it is.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:47, Reply)

granted
but your borderline encyclopedic knowledge of "how to get out of doing things at work smugly" allows me to run with this, I think you'll find
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:33, Reply)

I automate jobs and simplify processes smugly. I don't ignore my work.
It's constructive laziness.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:35, Reply)

I have no interest in Career progression.
I just want to earn enough to keep a roof over my head while doing work I don't hate.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:30, Reply)

Then you will be left behind, and soon you won't be enjoying any part of your job.
Unless you have galactic powers of I don't give a fuck, you will find yourself being managed by a cunt who can barely wipe his own arse, but knows how to get on with the bosses. I guarentee this will cause misery and stress.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:43, Reply)

This has not happened thus far.
Apparently I'm just so fucking good at my job that even titting around on here for half the day still makes me good enough at it that people think well of me.

Either that or I'm just lucky, either way it works for me.

Frankly if this training shit (which isn't even vaguely close to my job description) keep coming up I shall move on.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Did this last time.
And frankly they couldn't pay me enough to do this shit. If it caries on much longer I'll have to look for another job.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Make a power point
Within 15 minutes, everyone will be asleep, and you can pop off to the pub and get lashed.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Do you think 'Training' is called training because you're really good at what you do and you lead other people down the same skill-path like a train going down the tracks?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:50, Reply)

I totally just watched Ghostbusters.
I want a proton pack.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:37, Reply)

This^
Cracking film
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:38, Reply)

I have Ty Cobb stuck in my head.
I think it may be the theme for the day.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:39, Reply)

If you let him out of your mouth you can stop breathing through your nose

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:43, Reply)

You are confusing me with you again.
It's easy to do, but I'm somehow less gay than you, even though I've snogged more bikers, go figure...
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:49, Reply)

I've been tarred with the pink brush for less mate, you should probably keep that on the QT
Especially now people know we have the same name. You'll be accused of sockpuppetry, or worse, IMITATION before you can say Jiminy Cricket.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Meh, I suspect the difference is that I don't really care.
Psst! I'm not really called Martin.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Don't bother asking 'Jim'll' for one, he didn't bother fixing it for me

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:40, Reply)

The only thing Jim'll fix for you
is some half-suppressed childhood mental trauma.

And, if the rumours are correct, a "visit" from the "lads" to a "business associate" of your choice.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:43, Reply)

My Dad was on Jim'll Fix It
I got to meet Sir James himself - mental, even in 1992 when he was still on TV every week - and Terry Wogan, who was an absolute gentleman.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Did Terry give you a reach around and offer you a tissue afterwards?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:45, Reply)

I never kiss and tell Al

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:49, Reply)

His Jim'll Fuck It rusty sheriff's badge tells us all we need to know

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Tragic although it is,
the day I took my Dad's (actual) "Jim Fixed It For Me" badge into school was probably the happiest of my seven years at the establishment.

I fucking hated school.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Now then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Terry Wogan thinks David Bowie is an absolute cunt
and can barely contain his dislike whenever he's mentioned.

Based on this, I can surmise that Monty Boyce is actually an ageing, retired radio and talk show presenter.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:45, Reply)

We will find out on Saturday.
When he keeps playing the Floral Dance,
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:47, Reply)

...and touching up kids

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:48, Reply)

That episode of NMTB he hosted was fucking funny
just for the way he replied "Yep" so curtly when asked if it was really that bad an interview.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:49, Reply)

NMTB?
Not My Toblerone Badger?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:52, Reply)

NMTB?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:52, Reply)

Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I assume

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Nu Metal Too Bland?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Some was OK
However, much of it (e.g. Sugarcoma) was shite.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:56, Reply)

I agree
It just fitted the letters
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:00, Reply)

It is an excellent film

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:51, Reply)