FAMILY SHAME
My father’s on his third marriage, my mother’s a lezzer, my brother texted me today and told me he was enjoying a ‘chicken tikka lasagne’ – and, worst of all by far, my sister is a Sergeant in the fucking Police.

I only have my near-bankruptcy and illegitimate child shames to bear, so I consider myself very much the ‘white sheep’ of the family.

Do you have a convicted paedo uncle or jailed sibling, or perhaps you have a cousin who eloped with a nig-nog? Or is the family shame YOU? Are you the Glitter of the litter?

Do tell.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:16, 177 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

my brother's an ACCOUNTANT
*shames*
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:18, Reply)

My ex wife was an accountant.
It's no wonder she got brain cancer, really.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:19, Reply)

Dear God.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:19, Reply)

He sleeps with poofters too.
It runs in the family.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Same

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:21, Reply)

My second cousin runs a brothel in Camberwell.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:19, Reply)

Camberwell! dear god

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:20, Reply)

I stomped again : (
Oh well.
( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:20, Reply)

oh aye
but you'll delete it for monty, won't you? hussy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:26, Reply)

I'll do anything to get in his pants and you know it.

( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:27, Reply)

and he knows it

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:31, Reply)

Everyone knows it.

( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:31, Reply)

my dad was a commissioner at ITV
my mum ionvented the space hopper
my sister amrried geoffrey from rainbow
both my brothers married the same woman
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:20, Reply)

Are your brothers Rod and Freddy?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:23, Reply)

no bungle and george

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:24, Reply)

They were obviously gay and wouldn't be spit-roasting Jane

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:27, Reply)

No, I'm pretty much the black sheep.
Insofar as the failed lesbianism, drugs and fondness for pot noodles.
( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:21, Reply)

My uncle was a homosexual alcoholic but he was lovely regardless.

( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:22, Reply)

My grandad reads the Daily Mail
*shames*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:22, Reply)

My mother in law reads the Mail too.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:24, Reply)

My mum reads it, but hides it when I come over

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:29, Reply)

My brother is an artist
the fucking slag. To cover up the shame he had to become the MD of small company, but we'll always know.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:23, Reply)

the family up todmorden way are pretty racist
not the older generation, but the kids - i think there's a lot of teenage gang shit at school. it makes me want to smack them when they use phrases like "paki bashing".

and they all sprogged at about 16. my dad is a great great uncle. ha!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:24, Reply)

I once heard a kid on the underground say 'It ain't right to go paki-bashing'.
I guess he was partially on the right track at least.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Thankfully my nephew will be attending a very nice Catholic school in Burnley.

( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Oh God, he'll end up with an arsehole like the Dartford tunnel.
(large, dark and regularly filled with pricks)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:27, Reply)

Catholic priests wait till kids have left school now before buggering them
you should see the rush at 3pm
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:29, Reply)

pfft.
THAT joke I got.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:29, Reply)

*pats on head*
well done Scarper
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:31, Reply)

As long as he learns I don't care what his arsehole looks like.
It's not that kind of Catholic school btw.
( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:29, Reply)

How do you know?
It's not like they mention it in the prospectus...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:30, Reply)

I mean there are no priests.

( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:31, Reply)

my cousin moved to Norfolk.
Thankfully he has no other family there.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:24, Reply)

he's probably making nightly sweet man love to DF

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:26, Reply)

He does now

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Has he gone to be a monk?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:27, Reply)

There's a joke here that I am missing, isn't there?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:29, Reply)

With no family he'll be having no sex in Norfolk
Monks take a vow of celebacy
hilarity ensues
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:30, Reply)

Ah!
That might have been funny had you not needed to explain it to slow witted me.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:31, Reply)

My side of the family have no real shames
Mrs Cows side do! They are all menkles. Her full brother is a right old cunt who decided he was abused as a child and that the world now owes him something. His wife and kids have now just left him, 3 weeks after he dis-owned the rest of his family
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Do the rest of the family believe the abuse allegations?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:29, Reply)

Believe it? they've still got shitty knuckles!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:31, Reply)

Hahahahahahaha!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:32, Reply)

POTD
No doubt at all
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Not at all, no

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:40, Reply)

My Dad was married 5 times
and 3 children we didn't know he had turned up at his funeral.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Did he know he had them?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:27, Reply)

Yes. But he just walked away when they were very young.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:28, Reply)

my grandmother's dad had 2 families and just went from one to the other saying he was working on the railways for a couple of weeks each time
they only found out about each other years later when my grandma was about 75 and her 55 year old half sister turned up on her doorstep.

the mad thing is, the villages were about 10 miles apart. i guess no phones, no mobiles, no internet...

plus he was french, the dirty shagging smoothie.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:33, Reply)

French? Nuff said.
When caught he probably just grunted and shrugged his shoulders. Francais stylee.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:35, Reply)

by the time he was caught
he'd been in ze ground for about 40 years!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:37, Reply)

Zut Alors!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:39, Reply)

My Dad was arrested for kidnapping his sister's children.
He did this after he found out his sister had beaten her own children and broken her son's arm.

My family are well Eastenders. And my Aunt is a mental.
( wanderlust, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Bloody hell.
Are they the Masood family out of Eastenders?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:34, Reply)

Yes.

( wanderlust, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:37, Reply)

How is your lovely brother doing btw?
And how did he cope with meeting randoms off the internet?
( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:38, Reply)

He is as lovely as always.
He's fine with meeting internet people as Monty and I are both from there and if he can cope with Monty he can cope with anything.

I think Stunned scared him a bit though when he was washing his hands in the gents and Stunned said "Washing your hands are you? What are you, gay?!"
( wanderlust, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Lol

( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Good for him.

( girlinthehole, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:34, Reply)

She is the only person I have heard him talk about with true venom.

( wanderlust, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:40, Reply)

I imagine so. Smacking your own kids about is quite low.
Other peoples kids.....
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:41, Reply)

There is wrongness on my dad's side of the family
One of his sister's common law husband was a psychopathic, wife-beater who was imprisoned briefly for manslaughter (he "accidentally" shot someone whilst drunk.)
Another of his sisters married a Welshman, lived in Wales and raised her kids as Welshes.
My dad is quite an intelligent bloke, but all of his siblings appear to be as thick as shit. Luckily we have never really had too much to do with them.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:34, Reply)

True story, my grand dad on my dad's side was well dodgy, the stories are great.
He went to jail for 5 years (I think ,can't remember) for turning 10x £5 notes into 11 by cutting them into 10 strips leaving one out of each one.

My dad and his brothers'n'sister thought it was arts'n'crafts.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:39, Reply)

That's a lot of aggro for a fiver.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Jewish innit?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:42, Reply)

Fuck all else to do in an attic for 4 years

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:42, Reply)

To be Frank

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:43, Reply)

CAn I still be nakers?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:45, Reply)

As long as you are alone in the loft, yes

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:45, Reply)

in the late 40s when a fiver was worth more, but a tenner would arrouse suspicion

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:00, Reply)

He was jailed for 5 years for forging 1 £5 note?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:41, Reply)

Oh no, he was doing it for years and years until he got caught.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:04, Reply)

how on earth did that work?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:45, Reply)

You get 10 £5 notes (remember, late 40s/early 50s here), and devid them up by 10%... so you have 10 strips of £5 notes. You take the first 10% from the first £5, the second 10% from the second £5.... and so on, until you have 11 £5 notes that are a little bit (10%) shorter (but still valid, at the time).
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:03, Reply)

I'm going to need a picture

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:08, Reply)

like this but 10% smaller
www.ukbanknotes.co.uk/ekmps/shops/skk800/images/b270-beale-1950-white-5-note-p88-000698-gvf--12857-p.jpg
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Sounds like a shit load of sellotape

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Probably all mine.
About 9 years ago (wow, that long?) I had impregnated an unstable 19 year-old coke-head who was still married to another man(himself an abusive drug addict/alchy and even older than me), myself being 27 at the time and us having been dating for maybe a month and a half.

It was all a bit Jerry Springer, as we said in those days Jeremy kyle either not being around or not as well known.

My family were unfailingly supportive through the resulting, doomed, marriage and I really must thank them some time for not either disowning me or laughing at me. I'm also amazed my son seems so well adjusted. I think everyone else in my family is pretty free of shame by comparison.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:44, Reply)

I can't understand how this relationship went wrong

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:46, Reply)

I can't understand how I'm now on speaking terms with my son's mother
or anyone in either of our families for that matter.

I stuck it out for 6 years Sporto, 6 years. That's either a sign of exceptional persistence or exceptional stupidity
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Worth it for the boy

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:16, Reply)

This is what I tell myself
to justify how much of my life and sanity I put into it. Also if I'd given up sooner (I had to be near suicidal before I walked away) then, when the ex suggested giving it another go, as she did a few weeks back, I might have either agreed or felt unsure about saying no.

As is I know I tried my hardest.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:23, Reply)

I'm pretty much the shittest person in my generation of my family.
Cousins are either professional clinicians, physiotherapist/nurse practitioner. Or Millionaires, property developer, hedge fund manager.
My sister is a lesbian in a desert though so I may just pip her.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:46, Reply)

lesbian in a desert
How does that work?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:48, Reply)

Plenty pricks on a cactus

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:48, Reply)

She's a cop in Australia, currently in a mining town a four hour flight to the nearest McDonalds.
and she's a lesbian obviously
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:49, Reply)

Fucking hell, she must REALLY like cheeseburgers

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:50, Reply)

She's your sister, you sick fuck!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:49, Reply)

officelols!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:50, Reply)

My brother, D has a child with whom he has no contact
And I'm just a twat.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:49, Reply)

Needs MOAR vowels

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:49, Reply)

Welcome to MAcclesfield

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:51, Reply)

All except T were born in London.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:52, Reply)

DJ MASTA
if you can use both AA
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:53, Reply)

I think the capitalised MA is a subtle joke on your dead mum there agnostic, sort him out

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:53, Reply)

I'm sure that you have misrepresented them all horribly
I'm calling my lawyers
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Well, I love them all, this is all the worst things they've done
Aside from this, we're all pretty well rounded, honest(!)
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I bet you are all well rounded
(joke about you being a fatty)
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Nope, I'm the fattest
The rest are all in good shape (except my pregnant sister, the fat bitch)
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:03, Reply)

Nice sig

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:04, Reply)

It was a excellent turn of phrase I have decided to adopt
I congratulate you on writing it!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:07, Reply)

my cousin is the number 12

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Does she live in Sesame Street?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:09, Reply)

no but i see her all the time tho, she's probably visited there occasionally

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:10, Reply)

my great grandfather was napoleon's dressing table

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:49, Reply)

Genuine giggling here

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:50, Reply)

It's funny you should say that
because my grandfather had a massive chest.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Was he a pirate?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Buccanear.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:01, Reply)

Buxomeer

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:25, Reply)

my auntie killed and ate shergar

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:02, Reply)

I have a brother who is an out and out criminal.
As a school caretaker, he took care of the whole school's dinner money. One of the kids was expelled.
He never has car tax or insurance. I don't think he has ever passed his test. Yet he drives a pick-up truck. He did have insurance once, on a motor bike. Three months later it got "stolen" and he took the cash. I assume it is still in the local pond, where he placed it.
He married a slut with various children from differnt fathers. They are a rainbow nation by themselves. My mum doesn't like it when he comes visiting, because stuff still goes missing. He is a pikey in every way possible except the Oirish accent.

I find it very easy to shine in my family.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 14:50, Reply)

There is no proof that any of the rumours or allegations about SUCCESSFUL rock group Personality Horse are founded.

(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:00, Reply)

More sad than shameful
My mum's uncle had some sort of breakdown when his wife died prematurely. Treatment in those days was not particularly sympathetic to the mentally ill and ultimately, after several incidents involving the police, had a lobotomy. When we used to visit him when I was very young he lived in a grim tower block in Sunderland and had literally no posessions. He was the smelly mental bloke who all the local kids would tease and throw things at. He would always concoct some long-winded story for my mum to persuade her to give him some cash (which she always had intended to do anyway). It used to break my heart as a small boy to see this strange man with a thick Sunderland accent which I could barely understand.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:02, Reply)

Cheerful story.
Got any more like that?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:05, Reply)

: (

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:05, Reply)

What annoys me is that the council give these people tower block residencies,
but he refused to make use of the facilities and actually jump out of the window.
There's no pleasing depressives.
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:06, Reply)

Says the man who is off his tits on Prozac.

(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:08, Reply)

Fuck you.

(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:08, Reply)

No, fuck you.

(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:08, Reply)

after genetic testing and some genealogy research i discovered that i am a direct descendent of kublai khan
but NOT related to Ghengis
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:10, Reply)

'Twas four AM in Xanadu
When, by stately decree,
Kubla Khan opened fire
On Cliff Richard OBE
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:11, Reply)

four of my uncles invented the iron nail, simultaneously at different locations
before that people used blu tack for everything
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:12, Reply)

Blu Tac?
Spack attack.
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:13, Reply)

neil buchanan birthed my hamster

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:14, Reply)

I had an uncle who was scotch.
I couldn't understand him. My brother had to translate for me. I really liked him. He didn't have a breakdown or a lobotomy though.
He didn't even have a garden.
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:10, Reply)

The scotch have their own language, it's English mixed with
alcohol
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:24, Reply)

FUCKYOUYAARSEHOLE!
*drops bottle of Buckfast*

*pisses self*
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:55, Reply)

*wonders which tower block that would be*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:23, Reply)

Was that you chucking stones?
Y'little basta'
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Not me guv
All bar one of the tower blocks in Sunderland are on the other side of the river from where I grew up and where the other one was is far too dangerous to go round!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:51, Reply)

From what I remember it all looked terrifyingly dangerous round there
But then I had never been in a tower block before.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:53, Reply)

Whereabouts was this exactly?
I'm interested!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:54, Reply)

'Fraid I can't narrow it down anymore than: Sunderland
I was no more than 10 or 11 the last time we went there.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Even worse Monty
I have Irish relatives.

Joking aside, my cousin married a horrifically unsuitable man. But that's a bad choice rather than being a black sheep I guess
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:13, Reply)

Unless he was black of course.
Or a sheep.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Hi Al, what's up? How are your guts>]

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:21, Reply)

They're feeling okay again now.
I'm going to my buildings christmas party this afternoon, I get to meet other people that work in the building and drink free drinks and eat canapes. The office manager is a slightly strange woman and whenever she talks to me I'm not sure if she's a) a bit slow b) just not very good at speaking English or c) she fancies me. Or some combination of the three.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:24, Reply)

If it's c) it's also a)

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:25, Reply)

MATHS ^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:25, Reply)

I was waiting for something like that.
And I was going to say "You know when it is painfully clear that someone is trying to flirt with you really badly" but of course I can't imagine you've ever had that experience.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Your answer reminded me of this
which has been doing the rounds www.reddit.com/r/nyc/comments/n1bqg/an_investment_bankers_cover_letter_for_a_second/
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:27, Reply)

That's quite funny/
I wonder if it's actually true.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:32, Reply)

"I have made many millions of dollars for my family"
I'd like to think he was dictating that to a long suffering PA.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:40, Reply)

I vomit when ever a girl gets within 2 meters of me.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:33, Reply)

you are Stan Marsh AICM talking Mr Hanky toy.

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:39, Reply)

She's not Welsh

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:24, Reply)

urgh your cousin was a gay?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Female cousin
that side of the family is Catholic though so I'm sure there are some gays lurking
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:28, Reply)

My dad was born out of wedlock.
This was back in the 1930s, and it was not the done thing at the time. He didn't speak much about his parents - although we knew his cousin and step-brother. We also knew that his mum died when he was 12, and he was raised by his auntie.

What I didn't know was that his dad 'died in an accident on the railway' before he was born. We are led to believe that it was actually suicide, presumably caused by finding out that he had got a girl up the duff. As my dad's parents never married, my surname is actually that of my grandmother, rather than my grandfather.

I found out all of this on the day my dad died. Bit of a shit day, that one.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:23, Reply)

And to top things off, my GF is a sergeant in the fucking police.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:25, Reply)

The fucking Police?
I'm arresting you for crimes against orgasm. You picked the wrong hole, boy!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:27, Reply)

Going off early?
You'll get two years for that, son.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:28, Reply)

Give me 15 minutes and we can try again?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Who am I fucking kidding
15 minutes a bacon sandwich, a mug of tea, and a snooze in front of the telly.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:37, Reply)

"It's never happened before Officer"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:37, Reply)

It's a fair cop, guv.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:28, Reply)

Is that why you pester girls on the internet for photos of their breasts?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:25, Reply)

No, that's just normal behaviour

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:26, Reply)

There's plenty of breasts for everyone Alan.
No need to get so fucking territorial.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:29, Reply)

i only have 2

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Get ready for a surprise!!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Just for Al....
POIDH!

*bows*
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:38, Reply)

he's seen them all before

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:41, Reply)

He's seen pictures of your jugs?
Well that explains why he follows you about so much.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:46, Reply)

We all have
Except you
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:46, Reply)

Any good, or am I wasting my time?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:50, Reply)

Tits be bitchin

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:52, Reply)

Smashing.
I like breasts, etc.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Depend if you like them hairy I suppose.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Hang on a minute...
I'm starting to suspect they were YOUR tits in the gaz I received.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Did they have a tache either side of the nipple?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 16:02, Reply)

....ye-es
*really regretting that wank now*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 16:03, Reply)

I'm not.
*twirls moustachios*
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 7 Dec 2011, 16:05, Reply)

"I only have my near-bankruptcy and illegitimate child shames to bear
thus far, old buddy old pal. keep at it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:33, Reply)

my great-grandfather married a Protestant
and eloped with her to Liverpool.

My generation are all fairly stable so far but we are all getting to that age where suddenly doing something very stupid becomes mandatory.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Oh God, the shame.
Liverpool?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 15:43, Reply)