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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Can I just say, I fucking TOLD YOU about 'Sir Jimmeh'.
The revelation floodgates are only just beginning to open - you mark my words.

When were you last proven right about something?

Alt: I don't know, complain about how this place is shit or how someone is ruining b3ta or something.

Altalt: I went to see the (superb) Leonardo da Vinci anatomical sketches exhibition yesterday. What was the last cultural thing you did and was it as good as the 'season 12 of Dexter' box set you ghastly fucking wanker?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 8:57, 225 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Alt: Monty Boyce is ruining b3ta, with his Jimmy Saville ways.
Monty Boyce? Noncey Boys more like.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:01, Reply)
I thought we were friends.
I see.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:03, Reply)
It was good to finally meet you on Saturday.
How did the rest of the night pan out?
I imagine everyone lost interest and it all petered out soon after I left.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:33, Reply)
It was excellent.
I passed out about 4 then woke up and got right back on it.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:19, Reply)
You need your afternoon naps when you get to your age.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:28, Reply)
Most of the time in work *smugs*
After 15 years working here you get to know about most things

Alt:
It just needs more posts per day

AltAlt:
A few weeks ago wandering round Alnwick Castle. Very nice
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:07, Reply)
It's an excellent castle isn't it?
I think my favourite is Chepstow. Or Takeshi's.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:08, Reply)
I liked "Roy"

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:20, Reply)
He really could blow couldn't he?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:22, Reply)
Bit passive for my liking.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:25, Reply)
Medications what you need

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:26, Reply)
Like a pro

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:26, Reply)
Altalt: Bletchley Park on Sunday. Excellent.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:09, Reply)
Whereabouts are the sketches, I'm looking for something to do this saturday

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:10, Reply)
You might be too late, it's just about to end.
It's in The Queen's Gallery at Buckingham Palace.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:12, Reply)
Oh, well british Museum it is then

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:14, Reply)
I'd love to go back to the British museum, I really liked the place.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:16, Reply)
I think it may well be my favourite place on earth.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:16, Reply)
The reading room was absolutely breathtaking

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:19, Reply)
this post contains shades of "aching beauty"

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:19, Reply)
You'd know, you great ponce.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:29, Reply)
'Ponce' really is an excellent insult.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:32, Reply)
About 20 seconds ago, showing it wasn't me that had fucked up.
That's about it, really.

Alt: I've stuck a couple of people on 2.0 as a test run, it certainly improves the place.

AltAlt: Went to Portsmouth Dockyard and a tank museum on holiday, does that count?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:14, Reply)

did your someone's mum leave you a cup of tea when you'd finished?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:15, Reply)
I'm not entirely sure which part you're referring to there...?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:16, Reply)
I'm suggsting you went to a wank museum...
It's the best i can do before my coffee
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:17, Reply)
Fair enough
I'll let you off.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:18, Reply)
Thanks AA, i always liked you. Where hae you been anyway?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:19, Reply)
Work has been absolutely fucking insane recently, not had time to really get involved in much else
Could nip on for 20 seconds at a time, but that was about it. We've just hit a small respite, so I figured I'd nip in and say hello.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:24, Reply)
*waves*

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:26, Reply)
Morning!

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:28, Reply)
I feel fucking great today
Slept like a corpse

like with
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:30, Reply)
I went to bed at 9:45 last night, which considering mini ape had me up three times in the night was pretty lucky

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:30, Reply)
Well, I hope you put her back this time
I'm trying to get my sleep back into a decent pattern, going to bed around midnight rather than 2am these days, at least. Also cutting down on drinking, have almost completely stopped snacking, smaller portions during meals, cutting down on carbs, and going to the gym.

Decided it's time to get back into shape, so I can get rid of this fucking gut.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:31, Reply)
I thought you were dead, 'Sir Jimmeh'?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:53, Reply)
HMS Victory?
I am also a huge fan of the unfortunately-named 'Buckler's Hard', another south coast nautical attraction.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:26, Reply)
Yep, went round it, absolutely superb
Was made funnier by the fact that we were followed by a group of French tourists, I was cracking up all the way round.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:28, Reply)
Not quite so historical but I got an excellent tour of HMS Newcastle a few years ago
as one of the lads who worked here used to be on it. Ended up in his old mess getting pissed as a fart on cans of Guinness
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:28, Reply)
Ignore 2.0 is the best thing to happen to b3ta for ages.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:30, Reply)
fuck off. I was out on the lash last night.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:22, Reply)
bottle of buckie at the bus stop?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:27, Reply)
the sort of stereotye could drive a man to drink.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:29, Reply)
ANY EXCUSE FOR YOU LOT ISN'T IT?
'Och, it's stopped/started* raining! McEwan's it is'


*delete as applicable
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:41, Reply)
I'm sorry you feel threatened by our raw masculinity monty.
try manning the fuck up, that might help.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:43, Reply)
I have tried. Nothing I'm afraid. Still feeling threatened.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:47, Reply)
No, YOU fuck off. How about THAT?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:28, Reply)
no, I don't like that at all.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:30, Reply)
I didn't want you to like it.
The thought of you not liking it has given me a 'chubby'.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:34, Reply)
no need to lie monty, we all know you're impotent, in every sense.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:36, Reply)
Oh. I didn't know you all knew. Right. Soz.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:40, Reply)
i read this transcript of a have i got news for you episode where paul merton was laying into saville
about paying hush money to his victims, and noncing kids, he was really going for him calling him a fucking cunt and all that

obviously it might not have been real as it was only text, but still
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:30, Reply)
I read that
It is apparently fake, attributed to Victor Lewis Smith or someone.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:32, Reply)
this?
www.users.zetnet.co.uk/rogerb/jokes/HIGNFY.txt
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:35, Reply)
Yes
Longer version here: https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgroups#!msg/rec.arts.tv.uk.misc/TLURDUAK8pI/Gc9GKgs-S7IJ
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:43, Reply)
I read that too but didn't know the 'fake' background.
Bit gutted actually.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:35, Reply)
Also attributed to Chris 'PLMDZR' Barrie

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:44, Reply)
There is much, much more to come.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:37, Reply)
In light of your friend's dad's view on him, it is hardly surprising that no one wanted to come forward before he died.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:41, Reply)
Alright dudes?
What's going down in groovetown?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:33, Reply)
Morning, Darth

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:34, Reply)
Morning mate
How have you been?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:35, Reply)
Not too bad thanks, busy though
Also trying to start getting fit, it's not much fun atm
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:37, Reply)
Never is
What exercise are you doing?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:41, Reply)
Exercise bikes, leg lifts, rowing machine, different weight exercises, things like that
Knee popped on a leg lift lsat night, that wasn't much fun.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:44, Reply)
Take up swimming
Less pressure on the knee
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:46, Reply)
Considering it
The gym I go to doesn't have one though, and the leisure centre is on the other side of town.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:47, Reply)
So you'll get more exercise in getting there!

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:52, Reply)
This is true
Can I really be arsed with a 45 minute walk each way though?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:52, Reply)
Fuck, that is a long way
I suggest you consult a personal trainer or something then mate, can't be overdoing it on a dodgy knee. You'll need to use those a lot.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:56, Reply)
Is a small pop really that bad a thing?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:57, Reply)
Ask Battered's kid

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:59, Reply)
Hahaha

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:59, Reply)
Tee hee

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:06, Reply)
Of course not mate
It's what you do with it that counts
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:59, Reply)
Help me out, here. What's worse?
A) the fact that you're quoting early Red Dwarf at us?

Or

B) the fact that I recognised that you're quoting early Red Dwarf at us and that I couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut about it?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:36, Reply)
I can't decide Kroney. I really can't.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:38, Reply)
I'll never be "in" with the "cool kids" at this rate

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:39, Reply)
abduct a schoolgirl. all the cool older folks are doing that!

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:42, Reply)
hello darth. done any dancing recently?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:37, Reply)
You won't believe this mumps
but yes. Yes I have. And your good self?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:42, Reply)
no gay dancing for me darth.
just some well cool "breakdancing"
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:44, Reply)
Fucking anyone can breakdance
It's the Status Quo chord progression of the dancing world. No-one respects breakers, they're basically lepers. Even Salsa dancers pity their skill-free "moves".
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:47, Reply)
true but we don't bum each other.
swings and roundabouts innit.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:48, Reply)
True enough
I tried to bum a breakdancer once, it was like having a whirligig on my dick. Wasn't worth the effort.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:50, Reply)
I feel a dance off coming on

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:48, Reply)
Can YOU spin on your head? WELL?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:49, Reply)
I actually did a "Swan Dive" into the "Worm" getting down my front steps this morning
The rest of the journey to work was relatively uneventful
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:51, Reply)
You tripped over, didn't you?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:55, Reply)
It wasn't flying, it was falling with style

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:55, Reply)
Do you actually want a fight?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:54, Reply)
Christ you take a long time to take the bait don't you
Must be the impending big 4-0 dulling your reaction times.

Happy Birthday for Sunday by the way.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:55, Reply)
One year of my thirties left.
:o((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Thanks though
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:00, Reply)
as of this weekend it's less than one year left of your thirties

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:01, Reply)
The clock of impending death ticks louder and louder with every passing day.
By which I mean YEAH FUCK OFF WILL YA.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:02, Reply)
I actually haven't given so much of a shit about my advancing years since turning 30
Obviously this might change dramatically when I'm staring down the barrel of the fifth decade
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:02, Reply)
What's this about Saville?
I don't watch the news or read the papers. Or listen to people. Or talk to them, if I can help it.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:44, Reply)
he liked to fuck young teenage girls

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:44, Reply)
at least he wasn't a poof.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:45, Reply)
That's probably why he was allowed to get away with it
the girls were probably begghing for it anyway, sluts.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:46, Reply)
Who doesn't?
I've got one on my dick right now. At least I assume it's a girl, she won't turn around or let me feel her tits or pull her hair and insisted on anal
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:48, Reply)
He has come back from the dead.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:45, Reply)
ZOMBIE SAVILLE
"Now then... BRRRAAAAAAIIIINNNNSSSSS"
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:49, Reply)
Apparently he is the second coming of Christ.
It all makes sense, when you think about it.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:50, Reply)
Everyone from Yorkshire will back this up vehemently

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:52, Reply)
Morning Monty.
You hippy you. The shit that will come out about Saville, is fucking unbelievable. Wait till Cliff Richard dies, it'll be another handwringing crap.
Alt, yeah it's bollocks.
Alt alt, went to Liverpool Tate the other week, excellent day out. Turner, Monet and Cy Twombley exhibition, beautiful stuff.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 9:58, Reply)
Yeah I fucken loved 'The Wombles Square Dance' too - beautiful stuff indeed.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:02, Reply)
Thankfully, this isn't Jimmy Saville and children introducing it.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIxkqoNi8I4

Totally safe for work.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:05, Reply)
All I know of Cy Twombly - except that he had a stupid fucking name - is that he painted some massive canvasses red and somehow convinced the Tate Modern that is was art
The man is either a talentless charlatan or the world's best salesman.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:03, Reply)
Or Mike Batt in a furry suit.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:05, Reply)
It's a mixture of both
Talentless charlatan who was the world's best salesman. Truly awful dross.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:08, Reply)
I must disagree with this. He did some excellent stuff.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:11, Reply)
Quite possibly
I've only seen the big red canvases
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:12, Reply)
All I could think when I saw that was
"The only difference between this supposed artist and myself, is that he thought of this ludicrously shit idea first"
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:11, Reply)
I like Cy Twombly's work

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:20, Reply)
Morning Plum.
Cheers.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:22, Reply)
alright Pook?
We've got drunk thegither in real life, I'm not all bad, am I?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:25, Reply)
Nah, I don't believe the rumours. I want to marry you and have your children.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:30, Reply)
I've had his children
Very well behaved, didn't cry once.

Unlike my cock.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:31, Reply)
Final nail in the coffin right there folks.^
sorry doze, fuckin knackered and in a viscous mood.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:25, Reply)
I'm not even going to pick you up on the spelling mistake
THAT's how awesome I am
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:26, Reply)
I was going to.
THAT'S how much of a prick I am.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:27, Reply)
go and fuickin fuckyourslef you tofu flavoureed boyce

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:29, Reply)
You are only saying this because you are in a thick, sticky consistency between solid and liquid kind of mood.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:37, Reply)
*chortle*

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:41, Reply)
And yet you didn't
If you're hoping this will provide you a measure of redemption from the kingdom of prickishness, I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:30, Reply)
Some men are born pricks, some men achieve prickishness and others have pricks thrust upon them.
I think I'm the former, whereas you are the latter.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:32, Reply)
"Thrust upon" implies I'm unwilling

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:34, Reply)
Not at all
I am sure that is how you prefer it.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:38, Reply)
blame spell check.
not that I shitting care.

morning sweetie
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Morning precious
Why so knackered?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:30, Reply)
ex wife's grandmother dying.
sleeping on sofa and taking care of boy while ex at hospital also trying to work occasionally.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:47, Reply)
Oooooh shit
Sorry to hear that mate. How's the lad taken it?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:51, Reply)
he's OK, a bit shook up, not least to see me and his mum under one roof and being civil, but OK

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:53, Reply)
Good on him
And well done for suspending hostilities
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:58, Reply)
Wouldn't it be easier for your son to stay with you instead?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:51, Reply)
not really, his school's round the corner from him mum's place.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:54, Reply)
In a possibly related (in that it's news) note
Is it churlish of me to wonder why a five year old girl was outside riding her bike at half seven on a school night in October?

I mean, obviously I hope she's not been paedo'd and murdered (though that's increasingly unlikely) but what were her parents thinking?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:16, Reply)
probably "i've had enough of that fucking kid (boyo), stick her outsideogogoch on her bikealans for a bit"

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:17, Reply)
I dun a click

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:21, Reply)
Picking up men?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:19, Reply)
She's running her own Van valet service, it's all just a big misunderstanding.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:40, Reply)
It is a risky profession though.
It didn't pan out too well for Sarah Payne.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:49, Reply)
fuck off outside you shit making noise machine?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:20, Reply)
+ from Wales

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:22, Reply)
My kid's still in the pub at half seven.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:22, Reply)
Well, I don't have kids, so I'm not entirely sure of the protocol
but surely that's a bit late to be wandering round outside? Then again, the report said she was playing out with friends, so maybe it's not. I dunno.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:24, Reply)
It's a school night, She should have been indoors getting ready for bed.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:25, Reply)
Maybe she was, until she realised she was out of lube
and headed off down the shops to get some
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:27, Reply)
That's what I thought.
Not that she deserves to be kidnapped just because she's from a frightful chav family.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:30, Reply)
Possibly her kidnappers, or the slavers they sell her to, would have a better grasp of what constitutes a reasonable bedtime

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:31, Reply)
Well I'm afraid I disagree.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:34, Reply)
i am always right, it doesn't need to be proven
this place is fine. there is only one spastic cunt, who unfortunately hasn't died in a fire by the look of it. everyone else is a lovely snuggly kittum.

berk said she saw you and lusty. i got home and she was in bed. i made her get up and eat pizza with me. i am a terrible bully.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:41, Reply)
ANSWER MY FB MAIL

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:43, Reply)
oh yes
sorry darling, there are cats roasting away in hell with a better chance than i have of getting out of here before about 7pm :(
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:45, Reply)
Fair enough
Thought it was a long shot. Now I know, I can book my train tickets :-)
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:50, Reply)
OR you could book a late train ticket and THEN we could have a drink

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:53, Reply)
There's late and there's LATE
Also, if I have to kill time between 3 and 7pm, I will be HAMMERED by the time you get there.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:57, Reply)
Mrs Foxtrot: "So why will you be back so late?"
Darth: "I'm just meeting a girl off the internet for a drink"
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:58, Reply)
Very, very, very much this
Especially since I'd have to miss a Ballroom lesson for the sake of said drink
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:59, Reply)
name names you fucking whale!

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:46, Reply)
oi
i'm a celibate whale, thanks
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:53, Reply)
Definitely not buying you a drink then

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:55, Reply)
haha

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:55, Reply)
you horrid bitch, i thougt we were getting on ok
:'(
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:48, Reply)
i like you even less when you make me laugh

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:52, Reply)
i can now see where all of your relationships have been going wrong

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:54, Reply)
sssssh, that is a sore word at the moment
if we were on fb, i would be saying "it's complicated"
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:56, Reply)
have you been dumped by a gay, AGAIN?

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:56, Reply)
We haven't even met

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 10:58, Reply)
big drunken argument and now he isn't talking to me :(
on the plus side, his hot mate is
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 11:04, Reply)
^this right here is why you're going to be a crazy old cat lady.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 11:05, Reply)
frankly anything is easier than dealing with men and their irrational crazy ways
except cat allergies. i keep telling you. i will be a barren old budgie breeder.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 11:09, Reply)
I dun a new thread.

(, Tue 2 Oct 2012, 11:02, Reply)

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