I'm going to some uber-wanky street food festival thing in Arseditch this evening.
What's the wankiest thing you've ever done?

Alt: Gilbert and Sullivan are fucking dreadful. Why doesn't everyone see how bent they are?

Altalt: Gilbert O'Sullivan is fucking dreadful. Why doesn't OH SHUT UP
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:29, 166 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Sympathy, sympathy... they've all got it in for me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:33, Reply)

I went to see a play once called Stones In His Pockets
It was "fucking shit".
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:36, Reply)

Gilbert and Sullivan was the "Spitting Image" of its day
but its day was the 1870s so it's bound to be a bit dated now.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:38, Reply)

That 'modern major general' one makes me genuinely angry it's so shit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:41, Reply)

Back then it was satire
being put in charge of the Navy purely for being upper class, having no practical experience other than polishing the door handle.

hmmmm, maybe not so irrelevant...
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:44, Reply)

They could have made their point without doing so via the medium of massively irritating smartarse twee wanky am-dram song.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:51, Reply)

True, but Twitter hadn't been invented yet

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:54, Reply)

I'm fairly sure they aren't to blame for the am-dram part of that.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:55, Reply)

They fucking invented it. Without G&S that shit wouldn't even exist.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:15, Reply)

I quite like it tbh
I'd half like to see some of the faster rappers nowadays see if they could do it at full pace.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:27, Reply)

I used to drink in the Good Mixer in the early nineties.
That's pretty wanky. Although good odds of convincing drunk Japanese girls you were a member of some sub-par indie band, to be fair.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:38, Reply)

Hahaha I might have seen you in there then.
Fucking Blur were in there all the time, being knobs.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:40, Reply)

Blur? Being knobs?
You are coming out with some truly shocking revelations today.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:45, Reply)

I know. Stick with me, pal - I will continue to amaze you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:48, Reply)

Apparently, a bear once pooed in a wood.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:48, Reply)

This is very true.
It was mostly there and "gigs" at Dublin Castle and Barfly. Those were the days*

*disclaimer. Those were not the days.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:48, Reply)

Hahaha they truly weren't.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:49, Reply)

Still. It was welly-deep in indie blart
and you needed some seriously shitty sticks to beat them off with. Good times.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

God, The Dublin Castle
I saw some shite in there. 'My mate's in a great band, you have got to come and see them'.

No wonder I fucking drunk so much.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:57, Reply)

The only real "mate's band" I bothered with
were supported by Oasis the first time I saw them (in Bedford somewhere ... the Angel?) and supported Coldplay the last time I saw them (Barfly) ... so, yeah, they really were OK. The one gig they played at the Dublin Castle, the lead guitarist's Dad came straight from work to watch them. Fully suited. Every stoned prick in there thought he was a dealer (because, obviously, middle aged drug dealers like to really stand out) ... setting up the amusing scene of me and him having a pint at the back of the room and some swampy clone tapping him on the shoulder and going... "hey man, are you the fat guy with the shit?"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:05, Reply)

I have a friend who is a 'Sound Artist'
I regularly go to see his 'installations' and appreciate them.

Alt: I blame Darth.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:38, Reply)

That really is very wanky indeed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:44, Reply)

You mean he invites you into a blank, brightly lit, white room
and plays disjointed noises at you from a pair of Jamo speakers whilst he sways from side to side totally in the "moment", in a manner that makes you want to slap his flat cap and fucking indoor scarf right off his stupid, hipster head?
( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:49, Reply)

+ cornflower blue

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:50, Reply)

Sort of...
"He is a multi-disciplinary artist and uses sound, light and sculptural materials in his work."
"He has created installations that use sound and interactive technology to transform undervalued spaces into exciting and informative places to be."

Despite this clear wankiness, he is in fact pretty good at what he does and is not really a hipster.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

I made myself angry typig that post out
I may have some unresolved rage issues.
( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:53, Reply)

You need a holiday.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:54, Reply)

There's a sound installation in Milton Keynes at the moment. I have to walk through it after buying fags.
I do so love to hear random shit like horses or screaming on my walk home.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:53, Reply)

Another benefit giving up smoking will provide.
How is that going?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:56, Reply)

A stag do in Amsterdam 2006, completely crap two days spent with pot heads
Alt:Well many years ago when I was a lad
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:47, Reply)

cock munching shit fuckers

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:49, Reply)

Yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:50, Reply)

especially you, dickhelm

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

Yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

I hope you get rectal cancer

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:54, Reply)

I hiope he already has it but hasn't realised yet, although he doesn occasionaly get worried that there is occasional bleeding but he doenst want to admit it to himself.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:56, Reply)

I thought it was piles :o(

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:57, Reply)

I heard monty's stools are blacker than darcus howe

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:57, Reply)

Are you playing devil’s advocate?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:12, Reply)

Oh HO.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:14, Reply)

Yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:56, Reply)

HI Q
Have you missed me?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:57, Reply)

no idea who you are
Fuck off
(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:57, Reply)

:(

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:00, Reply)

wascally wabbit

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:01, Reply)

I thought we was tight
SADTIMES
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:03, Reply)

you're my favourite person who is shit at the internet
And there's loads of them here
(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:04, Reply)

\o/

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:06, Reply)

Hows the crumbling buisness empire?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:10, Reply)

I've decided I don't want to be a law/account/helicopter pilot anymore

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:21, Reply)

You should make crumble

(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:21, Reply)

do bakers get to bang all the hot chicks?

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:23, Reply)

They know how to get fat chicks into bed
PUNCHLINE IS SO OBVIOUS IM NOT GOING TO SAY IT
(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:25, Reply)

Ohhh man
I totally rock at making crumbles
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:25, Reply)

let's go 50/50 partners, you do the fruit, I'll do the crumble

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:28, Reply)

Beat you to it
www.google.co.uk/search?q=hartleys+pie+fillings&hl=en&tbo=d&rlz=1T4ACAW_enGB427GB512&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=kYPAUOqNG4m5hAet84DIBQ&ved=0CAQQ_AUoADgK&biw=1280&bih=757
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:39, Reply)

I like that modern major general song.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:51, Reply)

Oh YOU.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

probably the caribbean cruise we went on one christmas
we didn't bother with any of that shit, but my god there are some american princess-types who dress up in proper ballgowns for dinner every night. and when i tried to book a manicure in the salon, i was told that every single appointment for every single treatment had been booked up months in advance. utter twats. amazing holiday though.

alt: sexy gilbert and sullivan? can't say i know a word of their stuff, apart from the bits that sideshow bob sings in the sexy simpsons
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:51, Reply)

Alt: you do, you just don't know you do.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

Fucking Americans.
Ballgowns are for white tie functions. EVERY fucker knows that for your standard evening function it's a cocktail dress.
( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

you'd like the group of Uni students that ptched up after their "black tie dinner"
It was a car crash of appaling suits.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:54, Reply)

Did any of them turn up in a black business suit and four in hand?
I do like it when they do that.
( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:57, Reply)

I hate the four in hand
I myself prefer a half windsor.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:03, Reply)

I usually tie a double windsor.

( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:13, Reply)

how come some parties are called functions?
What is the function of a party? Stupid fucking posh pricks, renting out a room in a pub for some sausage rolls and cava isn't a fucking function

You dicks
(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:56, Reply)

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED SHUT UP

( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:56, Reply)

well it shouldn't be, if the function is that it's a social thing then it should funcktion off

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:59, Reply)

Your mum is a function.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:00, Reply)

yeah well your mum is a dullction

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:01, Reply)

Your mum is a Dick Shun
This is possibly the best thing I have ever written
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:30, Reply)

I fear it is.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:52, Reply)

It's a social function if the purpose of the gathering is something other than getting drunk and pulling the office tart
like those charity drive things the Americans do.
( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:01, Reply)

yeah but I've been to loads of parties where they call it a function
But there's no function to it at all, are you calling all caterers a liar?
(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:03, Reply)

Caterers are renowned liars, Quints. That's why they're caterers and not high court judges.

( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:04, Reply)

monty's stools are so black that they have trouble finding a job, and rarely pay child support

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:06, Reply)

What wankers.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:56, Reply)

mostly they were just annoying and refused to use stairs, ever, so that when we needed the lifts with the kids' buggies they were always full
of fatasses going up one flight of stairs.

all of it was fine apart from the cunts who told the filippino waitress off for saying merry christmas "because it is offensive to say that to just anyone". that made me want to yell CUUUUNTS.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:01, Reply)

OH MY GOD THEY USED A LIFT THAT IS FOR PUBLIC USE!!!!!

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:18, Reply)

FIE ON THEM!!! FIE, I SAY!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:29, Reply)

You know,
in all honesty, i'd much rather have fat people on my holiday, than disgusting, noisy fucking children.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:34, Reply)

Oh no, when I was on a caribean cruise that my daddy paid for
someone else on the cruise whose daddy paid for them had planned their trip better than me and the whole thing was ruined. WAAAAHH WAAAAAHHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
(Bazongaloid, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:55, Reply)

you clearly misunderstand the importance of a manicure
that's the kind of shit bob geldoff should have been singing about
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:00, Reply)

Blenheim palace horse trials.
I went with the Morris Minor owners club to display our historic vehicles. At some point around lunch time I hit a suicidal new low. By 4pm I'd gone home, had a shower and went to the pub to condone my sins.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

Will you be downloading the "hitmeup" app to participate in the vendors' challenges and promotions?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:52, Reply)

I am going to be hitting the vendors, quite possibly.
I don't mind that Andy Bates chap actually, he seems OK.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:54, Reply)

Andy Mastur
(Bazongaloid, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:55, Reply)

I GET THIS JOKE THAT YOU HAVE JUST MADE!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 10:57, Reply)

(Bazongaloid, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:01, Reply)

YES

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:02, Reply)

Sorry about this thread. It's fucking dreadful.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:17, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1801432
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:18, Reply)

I blame Quints

(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:19, Reply)

yeah me too

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:19, Reply)

is it true that your faeces are so black that they shout in the cinema?

(quintsy, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:19, Reply)

Absolutely.
They're so black they have to get to the back of the lavatory.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:26, Reply)

truly is Mont,
but I don't think it is entirely your fault.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:19, Reply)

Oh, I don't know about that.
There's some pretty edgy tie-knot chat about halfway down.
( Kroney, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:21, Reply)

I've never seen a gilbert and sullivan.
also, probably wanking.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:31, Reply)

You've never seen Probably Wanking?
That's my favourite 70s ITV sitcom.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:32, Reply)

Sid James is exemplary in that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:34, Reply)

The scene when Hattie Jacques leaves him a cup of tea and he doesn't notice has me crying with laughter every time.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:35, Reply)

Some of the jokes were a bit close to the knuckle though.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:36, Reply)

Their racial sterotypes rubbed me the wrong way.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:37, Reply)

Apparently if you sat on your hand till it went numb it felt like someone else was being racist

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:40, Reply)

those 70s headphones, eh?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:36, Reply)

It's like a Prince Albert, except without the crown

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:33, Reply)

Hmm
There was the time I went to see some modern art performance with my flatmate, after little to no sleep. Long story short, ended up punching the 'artist' in the face. Really shouldn't eat Twiglets, they make me far too agressive.

Alt: I quite like Pirates of Penzance.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:33, Reply)

yeah. it's definitely the twiglets

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:35, Reply)

Eight pints of Twiglets and he just flips.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:43, Reply)

Fucking lightweight
I've done 12 pints of bacon fries and driven home before now.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:46, Reply)

Just don't mix those and Scampi fries, eh?
Next thing you know you'll be gargling tramp balls for your next hit.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:51, Reply)

or picking pork scratchings out of the drip trays and drying them out

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:54, Reply)

If you ever want money
just give him one of those snack tubs and then ask him for his PIN.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:46, Reply)

It's a slippery slope
before you know it he'll be mainlining popcorn
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:50, Reply)

He had a chicken tikka massala and munchy box speedball once.
Ended up in the cells, covered in his own excrement, shouting his head off.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:51, Reply)

Chasing Doretos

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:52, Reply)

Or popping Pringles like Smarties

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 11:58, Reply)

You know you have a serious problem when you move on to
Brannigan's
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:05, Reply)

Adele's new single?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:41, Reply)

When I was about 8/9, I was very much into animal rights.
I used to hang round with the protesting hippies round Greys Monument in Newcastle protesting all sorts of bollocks. I even used to stage ones round my local area using cut up WWF cards :/

Until they told me I couldn't eat sweets due to the gelatin.
Then I told them to fuck off and went to McDonalds.

Fickle things, kids.

That's pretty wanky.

Alt. Who?

AltAlt. Who?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:02, Reply)

WWF cards
Hulk Hogan was my Fav.
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:04, Reply)

Ultimate Warrior or Undertaker FTW

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:12, Reply)

Afternoon, chutters.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:05, Reply)

I saw Stephen Berkhoff's "Salome"
It's basically Oscar Wilde's "Salome" but twice as long due to everyone talking and moving at half speed. After about 15 minutes you adapt and it's just an interesting play about John the Baptist.

Then you leave the theatre and everyone else seems to be on speed. Very odd.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:11, Reply)

and before anyone else does it
Salome salami
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:12, Reply)

That actually sounds good.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:22, Reply)

I was dragged to it by my then housemate
but ended up enjoying it.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:27, Reply)

I'm going to a food festival in Spitalfields on Sat.
Is that more or less wanky or is it the same one?

Alt: I was going to be in one. I have quit for health reasons. I still feel bad but they'll get over it.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:19, Reply)

On the plus side it won't be as wanky as the Isle of Wight festival this year
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:37, Reply)