Work Fails
In honour of Chompy's mate browsing porn and Monty selling all his companies stock for 99p on Amazon, tell the group stupid things you've done at work

Alt:
YM

EDIT:
Or stupid things you've done NOT AT WORK OK APE?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:55, 46 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Putting my dick in the bacon slicer.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:56, Reply)

Thanks "Jim Davidson"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:56, Reply)

EDIT:
Quorn slicer, surely?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:56, Reply)

No, she worked in a different section.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:57, Reply)

NP 'Chalky'

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:57, Reply)

NICK NICK

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:57, Reply)

Your mum

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:56, Reply)

should I go to this? it sounds fucking stupid but one of my friends is banging on about it.
www.theabbey.uk.com/?page_id=177&event_id=2153

In answer to your question, I once took the ubend off the sink, to clear a block, it being full of water, I poured it out in to the sink. And all down my leg.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:57, Reply)

sinklols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:57, Reply)

I felt proper stupid.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:58, Reply)

I did just this in a mate's house
"Don't use the sink, it isn't plumbed in"
"OK"
*washes hands*
*gets wet feet*
*panics*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:59, Reply)

stunned earlier
I did just this in a mate's house
"Don't use the sink, it isn't plumbed in"
"OK"
*washes hands*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:00, Reply)

Justifiably.

( Kroney, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:00, Reply)

No, go to the pub instead.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:58, Reply)

I opened the tap to let the dirty oil out of the fryer without a bucket...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:59, Reply)

that was stupid.
But I've seen it done a few times, you're not alone
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:59, Reply)

i know, it was early, i'd been up late

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

Sounds shit, and I'd suggest a donation of gofuckyourself rather than £15

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:59, Reply)

Whilst in some ways the fellow is probably right in that science is (as with all human endeavour) constricted by conventions etc
I have a sneaking suspicion that there will be a lot of bollocks being spouted about 'the potential of the human mind' and telekinesis and all that toss.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:03, Reply)

Did you hear aout this?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-21614304
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:04, Reply)

yeah.
Bit of a shame that.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:16, Reply)

£5.5k is the most I've ever cost the company

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:58, Reply)

My Amazon Adventure (Willard Price lolz) cost my firm not one single penny

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:07, Reply)

Did you not mention something about porn names in a catalogue picture once?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:08, Reply)

Oh hahah I'd forgotten that one.
They were the labels on somefiling boxes used in the background of a shot, which read 'child porn' and 'lawsuits' - only visible under a magnifying glass. Unluckily for us some blind old bat must have been using one to read the catalogue. Not my fuckup though - although I did sign it off.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:26, Reply)

I thought it was you

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:27, Reply)

Is no one going to ask for details of this?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:08, Reply)

I'd assumed it was for tastier windows

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:08, Reply)

Oak flooring

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:18, Reply)

Thats a lot of floor

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:18, Reply)

bit like Battered it was a Direct Mail fuck up

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:23, Reply)

Did you step back just in time and let Battered take all the heat for it?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:24, Reply)

well played

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:50, Reply)

i drove a porsche around the block with the handbrake on

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:59, Reply)

One of the receptionists.
LAD POST
( Kroney, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:59, Reply)

*high-fives*
One of the developers
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:00, Reply)

I've been here for a few years now.
I've had a few office romances. Most of them were people from Marketing. The manager of Marketing has been here for nearly as long as me. She doesn't like me much.
( Kroney, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:02, Reply)

Fuck her

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:04, Reply)

This is because you haven't done her
she feels left out.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:11, Reply)

A couple of my PhD students, back in the day
*thunerous playa tens*
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:09, Reply)

I've signed up to have my head shaved at a corporate charity event
gaz me if you fancy donating.

It's for kids with cancer, you heartless fucks.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:59, Reply)

I can donate some Gilette gel

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:00, Reply)

tastes a bit salty for Gilette

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

Its the best a man can give

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:02, Reply)

what if I WANT the kids to get cancer?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:00, Reply)

Buy a house near a power station

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:02, Reply)

I'll sponsor you, if you sponsor me for the half marathon I'm running.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

yeah, why not

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

Alright, put me down for £20. I'll give it to you the next time I see you.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:02, Reply)

I'm not falling for that one again

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:09, Reply)

Your hair is?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

My hair is what?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:02, Reply)

Slim Shady

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:07, Reply)

For children?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:42, Reply)

the money raised from donations
Honestly AA it's like you don't understand sponsoring at all.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:51, Reply)

No thanks.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:04, Reply)

When it grows back, you should get a 'fro.
I'd be well jealous.
( Kroney, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:05, Reply)

It may not grow back.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:09, Reply)

:(

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:11, Reply)

I didn't proof read a piece of direct mail properly when I worked for WH Smith.
Only when about 2 million postcards had been printed did I realise (thankfully before they were sent). They all had to be pulped & reprinted at a cost of about £300,000.

I told my boss, offered to resign. Thankfully she didn't take me up on my offer.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:00, Reply)

Fuck
Well done
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

what was the mistake?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:03, Reply)

I can't remember, it happened in either 1998 or 1999.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:04, Reply)

The postcard said 'WH Smiths is a terrible dull heap of shit' when it was meant to say 'Sale now on'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:11, Reply)

Might give this a go
www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-21876683
(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:00, Reply)

So Evernote then?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

I use Evernote, can't see how this would be any better.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

I always forget to write stuff down, rendering these things pointless

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:02, Reply)

backlash already
gigaom.com/2013/03/20/sorry-google-you-can-keep-it-to-yourself/
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:03, Reply)

Something about Evernote


What's Evernote? Something Andrew Marr uses?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:03, Reply)

ANDREW MARRNOTE!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:43, Reply)

Oddly, was talking about this last night
When I worked at McDonalds, the apple pies have to be left to sit for 10 minutes before they get boxed up, they're usually left to one side, rather than over the fryer.

I was once moving the basket to one side, when one of the pies slipped out and started to fall. Reflexes kicked in, and I swung to catch it before it hit the floor. This had only been out of the oil for about 30 seconds (at most), and as you can imagine, were rather hot. As I grasped it, it burst, meaning I got apple flavoured lava all over my hand. Fucking agony.

Alt: No, we didn't burn her.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:01, Reply)

McApple pies are napalm

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:09, Reply)

Yep.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

When I was working in a hotel I managed to pour boiling water from a chafing dish all over my ankle.
That was pretty stupid, although it did mean that I spent the remainder of an extremely busy, understaffed night down at Warwick Hospital.
I got back just in time for the end of service and sat in the manager's office drinking beer.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:02, Reply)

Oof, fucking hell.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:03, Reply)

It did smart a little.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:04, Reply)

My brother steamcleaned his foot whilst working in the kitchens at Winchester Hospital
Proper 'cut your shoe off you' stuff - lucky he was already in the hospital at the time, eh readers?!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:46, Reply)

Done a Windows install on a laptop, but not plugged the charger in
so just as it was about to finish, the battery ran out. Start again.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:03, Reply)

NO

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:04, Reply)

FUCKING

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:04, Reply)

WAY!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:04, Reply)

I love to plough the charger

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:05, Reply)

Horse perv

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:11, Reply)

I once plugged in a tape drive power lead into the supply
when the server was running

BANG
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:07, Reply)

5.9.83.79/questions/offtopic/post1908359
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:08, Reply)

WAY!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:09, Reply)

Similarly
one of our techies plugged a new server into the mains without realising it was set to USA 110V, putting 240V into it resulted in a spectacular bang and bits part-embedded into the server room wall.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:15, Reply)

I've been fairly lucky with work related fails though the one that everyone here remembers was when Dan had some DDR RAM
and a laptop that required DDR2 RAM. He noted they had the same number of pins but the notch was in a different place. So he did what any knowledgeable IT tech would do and cut a new notch in it with a hacksaw. We all sat at watched him do it and mercilessly mocked him when it didn't work.
( Peej, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:08, Reply)

sigh T
5.9.83.79/questions/offtopic/post1908359
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:10, Reply)

I know somebody, TOTALLY not me, who hit "shut down" instead of "log off"
on the main Citrix server. Which was offsite several hundred miles away. We've got well over a hundred users who remotely connect via Citrix. Including all of the directors and most of the highest earning salespeople.

Boy. Was his face red.

His, not mine.
( Kroney, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:08, Reply)

I have also NEVER done that at all

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:09, Reply)

The mistake that definitely wasn't mine
caused an engineer to have to tank it up the motorway for a couple of hours in order to press a power button.
( Kroney, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

I hated using Citrix, always seemed really clunky.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:10, Reply)

^^ THIS ^^

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:12, Reply)

I'm not a fan, personally.
I favour VPN.
( Kroney, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:12, Reply)

Bad install then
Citrix can be excellent
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:12, Reply)

I'm getting terribly bullied by emvee:
b3ta.com/questions/brainfade/post1908019
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:09, Reply)

You know, when even I wade in to defend you
I think it's probably not looking good for him.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

Thanks badger

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

I've pitched in as well

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:32, Reply)

Good man.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:33, Reply)

Soz I don't really understand any of the IT stories being told here.
I mean, I'm sure they are all well lol and that.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:10, Reply)

You don't understand IT? Pfft...
You must be some sort of thickie or sumfin...ahem...
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

Me neither.
Back when I was in marketing, one of the teams asked for an asterix (sic) to be added to some copy. My graphic designer mate flat out refused to add a little picture of the graphic novel Gaul to the ad, in spite of my insistence on carrying out the client's instructions to the letter.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:18, Reply)

What a cunt.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:23, Reply)

You, I mean.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:23, Reply)

When I was chancellor of Germany, I invaded Poland due to an administrative error
I eventually got fired for it, but it took 6 years.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:12, Reply)

Don't feel bad, it's surprisingly common.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

I know that now
I was little more than a child at the time. First proper job and all that.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1908389
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

CURSES
You saw through my elaborate ruse, you scoundrel.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:17, Reply)

Hitlols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:17, Reply)

Obama has been killed in Israel.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:13, Reply)

Isnotreal

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:14, Reply)

I'm pretty sure he hasn't

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:14, Reply)

lol lies
Christ I am fucking bored.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:15, Reply)

Nope. Still very much alive on the BBC

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:15, Reply)

That's what they want you to think.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:23, Reply)

that's Andy Peters in a wig

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:28, Reply)

I'm pretty sure it's Mighters actually

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:48, Reply)

Smalla manna ina Obama deada clanga

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:16, Reply)

One of the lads in here received an email from a company we work alongside
which basically called him "reckless and a danger to others"

It was meant as an internal email - we lolled - they apologised
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:15, Reply)

I have a headache, you lot aren't helping.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:24, Reply)

does that mean we're aren't having sex tonight?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:26, Reply)

does that mean that we are are not having sex tongiht?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:28, Reply)

Does this help?
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1904968
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:27, Reply)

No, but thanks for trying.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:33, Reply)

As a young mainframe programmer I managed to bring down the entire mainframe whilst testing a change
The entire mainframe ground to a halt. Nearly 1000 staff sitting idle for 3 hours - just because of a daft programmer doing some testing in a development environment. IBM engineers came in and took my code away for analysis as they couldn't figure it out either. I'd only been there a few months. Squeaky bum time.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:25, Reply)

I'm gonna be honest here
these "IT fails" really are incredibly dull
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:27, Reply)

I was kind of hoping for more non IT ones

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:28, Reply)

look around sporters
you are in the nerds lair.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:30, Reply)

*looks around*
I can see a lady with big norks and two bald men
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:31, Reply)

it's actually two ladies with big norks

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:53, Reply)

T was TJ

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 16:04, Reply)

Alright
Once when I was flying my f40 fighter jet I accidentally pressed Eject instead of my radio button. Destroyed millions of quids worth of plane. 100% fact
( Peej, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:31, Reply)

\o/
Stay about from the ejection seat handle
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:31, Reply)

My boss was in the bomb disposal unit
He has excellent "work fuckup stories"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:32, Reply)

The arab who pitched his tents at the end of a bombing test run in Saudi
who turned up waving a sword and a rifle when one overshot the range and went straight through his tent while he was sitting there
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:35, Reply)

The trouble is the "at work" part of the question.

( Kroney, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:29, Reply)

Yeah, cos I've got a CLASSIC story about some ethernet cable
but that wasn't for work so i can't tell it
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:29, Reply)

lols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:30, Reply)

I've edited the post, JUST FOR YOU

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:30, Reply)

Thanks Fogey.
Coming from you, that means a lot.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:30, Reply)

I did rm -rf /home instead of rm -rf home
on a production server. Boy was my face red.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:25, Reply)

We could do with a CHMOD here
ahahahahahahaha!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:29, Reply)

I hate people who edit threads.
IT FUCKS UP THE COUNTER
(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:32, Reply)

I did do it at work though
Does this count?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:33, Reply)

Nice

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:46, Reply)

I was working on a cross-channel ferry and one time I forgot to close the bow doors.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:39, Reply)

I DUN A NEW THREAD WHICH I WONT EDIT

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:40, Reply)