One in nine Britons has not read a book in the past year.
That's fucking disgusting. What else is disgusting? MY MUM GEDDIT MY MUM IS DISGUSTING DO YOU GET THIS JOEK????!!!!

Alt: I have an amazing talent. My talent is that just by thinking about something for a moment I can work myself up into a boiling rage about it. I know, it's incredible! At the moment I am teeth-clenchingly irritated by the television ad for Richmond sausages with those bent Paddy cunt 'musicians' who all go home and eat some repulsive sausages with a twee cod folk soundtrack. It hasn't even been on telly for months and yet I am seething about it. Do you have an amazing skill?

Altalt: That Richmond sausages ad is really annoying. What is the most annoying ad of all time? MY MUM IS!!! HAHAHAAH fuck. off.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:35, 250 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

SHE SAYS OIM COMMIN HOME FOR DE SOMMER
SHE SAYS OIL BE BACK SOON

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF YOU DUNG-THICK OIRISH WANKER
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:36, Reply)

I hate those adverts for sofas where rather than saying 'now only five hundred and ninety-nine pounds' or whatever
They say 'now only five nine nine!'.

It drives me mental.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:42, Reply)

That also drives me up the wall. Are people so fucking thick now they only understand numbers when given singularly?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:43, Reply)

Apparently so.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:44, Reply)

I imagine that surveys of the kind of wankers who actually shop with them
show that the longer it takes to actually say the price the more expensive it seems, also of course you pay for ads by the second.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:44, Reply)

^ this is correct ^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:46, Reply)

Update: I've just had yet another dump.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:38, Reply)

We come for the lolz, and stay for your lavatorial updates.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:39, Reply)

It's my own fault; the dish I had contained some naga chili.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:40, Reply)

I 'pimped' my loser supermarket frozen pizza with chipotle, last night.
Thus elevating it from 'tragic' to merely 'pathetic'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:59, Reply)

Come over to mine for dinner one night next week.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:00, Reply)

I'd love to.
This time of year is peak 'eat Battered's cooking' season.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:03, Reply)

Well Iceland have an excellent autumn range of ready meals.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:05, Reply)

And the staff are so helpful if one has a medical emergency, right?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:07, Reply)

YES!

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:08, Reply)

Richmond sausages are fucking shit anyway. I would not 'be back for the summer' if those tubes of pink gelatinous solution were being served.
But then, High End Sausage Baguette innit.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:40, Reply)

Richmond slop contains:
● E450 – You wouldn’t expect sausages to contain added water but these low-meat (51%) sausages are practically dripping with it. The water is held in place by E450, a chemical which ‘solidifies’ the mixture

● E412 – an emulsifier which helps to hold fat and water together (the meat in these sausages is almost half fat); ● E300 and E307 - antioxidant vitamins which stop the fat content turning rancid. This givesthe product a long shelf life before it becomes unpalatable;

● E223 – a sulphite preservative which keeps the sausages safe to eat and prolongs their shelf life. Some people find that sulphites provoke shortness of breath and asthma;

● E128 – to disguise the low meat content these sausages have
been coloured with a synthetic chemical Azo Dye called Red 2G.

No thanks.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:43, Reply)

An E-number is given to any chemical that has been artificially separated from it's natural state. Such artificial separation can involve simply physical cutting.
Thus an orange contains no E-numbers, but if you cut it in half, each half contains about 17 or something.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:45, Reply)

yer
It's just so that chemicals etc have standardised names across Europe innit.

Not all E numbers are harmful.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:46, Reply)

Correct, however the ones I have listed don't sound particularly pleasant to me.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:47, Reply)

at the weekend I often contain numerous Es.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:45, Reply)

-2/10
Dear Mr & Mrs Dozer (RIP),

Due to his lack of progress, we shall be keeping your son back a year in the hope that he will be able to catch up with the other boys. May we also take this opportunity to remind you that the school uniform is *not* turquoise blue, and that knobbish 'sk8wear' is similarly not part of the dress code.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:48, Reply)

you prick.
I was a year ahead at school.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:51, Reply)

You were thrown out of the remedial class for being too dim.
And for being a Britass turqprick.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:52, Reply)

On plus side, most Oirish people are so fucking stupid they can't read so they'll never know.
Fucking sentimental turf-for-roofs twee cuntstains.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:46, Reply)

Fucking inbred potato-wogs.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:47, Reply)

tl;dr? It's all lips and arseholes.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:58, Reply)

I read Great Expectations this year - it was OK - quite funny in parts, and I did like the arch camp gothiness of Mrs. Havisham.
I'm currently enjoying Around The World In 80 Days, and Charlie Brooker's Dawn Of The Dumb.

Goats are the coolest animals in existence.

I am suckered in by the post-modern self-effacing ironicismlol of the new Go Compare adverts, but I despise myself for being so.

I have the day off tomorrow to do some freelance photography of some products or summat.

Your mum.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:47, Reply)

I can't stand Dickens.
Just boring.

See also DH Lawrence.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:49, Reply)

My grandfather thought Dickens was shit, too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:51, Reply)

See spot run... Run spot run...

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:52, Reply)

what?
My degree is in English. I'm not disputing the literary merit of Lawrence, I just find most of the Modernists boring.

Except Beckett.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:54, Reply)

Oh theres Wally!!!

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:56, Reply)

To be fair I shouldnt comment
My taste in books would be seen as pretty shocking in these surroundings. I have even read a Clarkson book and found it amusing
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:57, Reply)

yer, you deffers shouldn't comment then.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:01, Reply)

you tell me

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:57, Reply)

He's read this one again & again
www.amazon.co.uk/THE-BRITTAS-EMPIRE-SHARING-DREAM/dp/B000Q8TKPW
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:57, Reply)

Dickens could make a twelve item grocery list sixteen pages long.

( Kroney, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:57, Reply)

^

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:59, Reply)

I did that 19th century lit module.
Only got halfway through Bleak House, sort of liked The Woman in White, wrote about Jekyll &.Hyde and Dorian Gray.

Still can't stand Charlie D to this very day.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:00, Reply)

I'm disputing the literary merit of your hideous face.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:00, Reply)

I'm disputing your parenting skillz.
/emvee
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:03, Reply)

I'm disputing your parents' parenting skillz.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:06, Reply)

He does need a phat bag of full stops, commas and semi-colons, it's true.
His sentences are nearly as long as my penis.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:57, Reply)

Around the world in 80 days was one of my favourite books as a lad.
Journey to the Centre of the Earth also.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:51, Reply)

Yes - it's a thoroughly enjoyable romp, isn't it?
Next up is Portrait Of The Artist - I might just read some crib notes on that and just tell pretty girls it's awfully-written.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:58, Reply)

I have been rereading PG Wodehouse
I forgot how much I liked them
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:59, Reply)

He was a brilliant writer.
And a Nazi collaborator, so doubly cool.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:01, Reply)

*wipes tear from eye*
Was there anything he COULDN'T do?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:01, Reply)

Oh good call - I must dig mine out.
I love how ALL the women in the 1920s had to have their names end in "y".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:01, Reply)

Why?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:05, Reply)

Yes, that's one of them

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:06, Reply)

Tuppys cousin

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:08, Reply)

I was alarmed to discover upon revisiting Swallows and Amazons that one of them is called Titty.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:14, Reply)

Titty Walker no less
Now if someone could do that on Britain's got Talent I would watch
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:16, Reply)

War of the Worlds
and when I got a bit older, Brave New World.
( Kroney, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:59, Reply)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7eU9t0QXDY

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:00, Reply)

Basically, any book about worlds.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:01, Reply)

I liked these.
Afthur Ransome too.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 8:59, Reply)

You gay cunt.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:01, Reply)

What' s gay about him?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:09, Reply)

It's you that's the gay, mate - don't try and pass the pink buck here.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:10, Reply)

FUCK SHITPANTS VERNE

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:03, Reply)

Can anyone else smell Tibetan prayermats, and wattle and daub lentil farms?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:06, Reply)

Have I ever told you about my trip to Tibet?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:06, Reply)

Not today you haven't, no.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:08, Reply)

lol

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:08, Reply)

I can

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:07, Reply)

i think its disgustin that 30% of the population get in a fucken tizz over statistics
1 in 9 britons could be in a fucken self-induced coma after stumbling on bayta one day for all i know

and if all you fucken cliquey knobs are gonna start getting all " oh well if you arsk me [well known popular author] is simply GHASTLY, what kind of FUCKEN PLEB are you for liking that TRIPE?" then i might just join the fuckers

altalt: I dont watch ads Mince
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:07, Reply)

altalt: WHY, TOO GOOD FOR ADS, ARE YOU?
Check out Mr smug snob, too busy reading Dostoevsky eh you cunt
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:09, Reply)

i just fast forward them Mince
been able to do that since the days of BAYTAMAX you flid
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:10, Reply)

^ Thinks he's 'above' ads^
Cliquey knob.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:11, Reply)

im a man of the people Mince
i jump on no bandwagons and point no fucken fingers. im a true believer in teh Rozalla Principle
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:14, Reply)

So what is the word on the street today, Reg?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:15, Reply)

Give Way

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:17, Reply)

I'd like to give you way to much hemlock

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:19, Reply)

I have clicked the 'I like this' button

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:27, Reply)

I have clicked the 'I like this' button

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:27, Reply)

I have clicked the 'I like this' button

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:31, Reply)

i dunno tangers, havent been keeping up with recent events

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:26, Reply)

I appear to be even grumpier than usual today, watch out.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:16, Reply)

alright Beadle

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:16, Reply)

i heard he's got a tiny cock....

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:18, Reply)

HAHAHA, BRILLIANT!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:28, Reply)

i thought you like that!!!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:28, Reply)

I'm fucking grumpy, which I'm enjoying as a change from miserable.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:23, Reply)

I am also fucking grumpy

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:25, Reply)

This makes me MOAR grumpy. You deserve better.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:26, Reply)

I there anyone that randy dwarf ISN'T shagging?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:28, Reply)

he is wrapped around my leg like a greasy shaved kola at this very minute

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:29, Reply)

The eighth dwarf they keep out the way, Nully.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:30, Reply)

I missed two trains and my bus went past my bustop, this has annoyed me
My prediction for today is a big pile of shit
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:17, Reply)

Dickhead.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:18, Reply)

I know, mini ape was playing up and mrs ape couldn't find her keys and blah blah blah

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:19, Reply)

It's like 'Our House' by 'Madness' is your life!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:29, Reply)

oh no...you didn't mention madness did you
Very possibly the worst band in history, manned by cunts, listened to by cunts and makers of fucking cunt music
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:30, Reply)

That band 'Suggs' arse.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:32, Reply)

no.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:33, Reply)

Haven't read one in a few months, might give Game Of Thrones a go soon
Alt: My problem with that advert is that it's meant to show they've gone a long way to get home, and the frugal bitch only gives them 2 sausages each, and they're shit ones at that (only useful for sausage butties).

Alt: Wowcher is definitely the one I hate the most currently.

In other news, I had some excellent food last night.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:23, Reply)

No AA this is incorrect
they are not useful for anything at all, ever.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:25, Reply)

I wouldn't feed them to a dog.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:29, Reply)

I found that your mum wolfed them down

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:31, Reply)

They're shit, but do fine for hangover butties.
I wouldn't bother doing them for anything else.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:31, Reply)

no AA, NO
what's wrong with you man?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:32, Reply)

Driven mad by debt, etc

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:50, Reply)

A Game of Thrones is embarrassingly poor. Avoid.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:29, Reply)

You're still the only one to give it a bad review, I'm afraid.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:31, Reply)

I concur with mince

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:31, Reply)

It's really very bad.
It's the usual cod-medieval world, you have your northern europeans, the equivalent to the Persian/Ottoman/Muslims...it's formulaic toss.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:36, Reply)

people like formula Mince, thats why there are formulas
it like saying i dint like that curry i had last night is was recipaic toss
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:40, Reply)

recipaic toss curry is the best!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:54, Reply)

so there i was there thinking...nah, Mince has made his feelings about game of throwns well known on multiple occassions
he'll just hang back here
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:32, Reply)

Where's the fun in that I ask you?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:36, Reply)

cant argue with this

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:41, Reply)

ill'go'i[u[{{
If you get my drift!
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:27, Reply)

I SURE DO!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:30, Reply)

I bought some sausages from the butchers yesterday
They was well lush. Bit like lincolnshire, but made by the butcher of course.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:35, Reply)

btw
I love you and I hope you're ok x
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:35, Reply)

xxxxxx
You want to try those 'Richmond' sausages, they look great!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:36, Reply)

They do, don't they!
They don't at all look like fake ones painted to look like they've been lovingly cooked to perfection!
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:37, Reply)

Much the same. I can elevate mere dislike of something to hatred in moments.
Bit like a Rustlers burger - nought to hatey in 90 seconds. #hatey.

The last book I read was about Nazi sharks. I have lots of Nazi books at the mo'. I shall read some on holiday.

Have I mentioned that I am going to California for three weeks on Saturday?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Anyone who uses hashtags is a #cunt

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:32, Reply)

#joking as it is #annoying.
I don't even know what it means but I am sick of hearing it.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:36, Reply)

#fuckingbender

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:37, Reply)

#ihopehehasashitholiday

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:39, Reply)

STAY TUNED
For more of Monty's public breakdown coming right up after these commercial messages.

AAAh BEjeezuss would ya be after buying me sausages.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:30, Reply)

DE LITTLE PEEEPL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:37, Reply)

I read a lot, just read How to Skateboard and Not Kill Yourself by Rodney Mullen.
Very good
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:31, Reply)

alright dozer?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:33, Reply)

Who the fuck are you?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:33, Reply)

ape's dead baby
ape's dead
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:35, Reply)

I'm going to need a little more info.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:35, Reply)

it's teh ape

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:36, Reply)

I got that part dickhead, why has it changed its name?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:37, Reply)

because you think about the 7 year olds at your school and touch yourself in all the wrong places

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:39, Reply)

At least I know what I like mrs let me conform please 1980 something to FOREVER

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:44, Reply)

darling, this doesn't make sense
put the funny smelling cigarette down and try again
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:44, Reply)

It's ten to ten, far too early for a doob

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:49, Reply)

why did you bobby?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:47, Reply)

ooooh
and in the red corner...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:48, Reply)

I ent blobbing

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:50, Reply)

christ, i read several books a WEEK
one a day or more if i'm on a beach holiday. what's the matter with people?

battered's constant posts about his shit are disgusting. it's like a garden gnome squatting over a dog mess.

altalt: that ginger cunt on the wowcher adverts needs to be speared with her own chopstick. and the secret escapes bint. and there was one in the 80's for hairspray with a ghastly song... "there's something about your haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir that's so suuuuuuuuupersoooooooooft"... used to drive me and my brother into frenzies of hatred.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:33, Reply)

I'm off for another crap in a minute.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:38, Reply)

off for another in a minute
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:39, Reply)

I think this one might turn out a bit pebbly.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:40, Reply)

*puts down peanut butter toast*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:41, Reply)

on battered's outsized dwaff forehead, hopefully

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:42, Reply)

I think the bits might be partially digested chickpeas.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:43, Reply)

oh swipe....

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:43, Reply)

DWAFF

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:44, Reply)

anyone who is shorter than i am is officially a dwaff

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:44, Reply)

*Puts on new boots*

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:45, Reply)

GET OFF MY BOOTS

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:46, Reply)

My hobbit feet probably wouldn't fit.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:47, Reply)

the men on here are HAWT

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:48, Reply)

You should see me in flip-flops.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:49, Reply)

shudder
horrible crumbling yellow toenails and sprouting hairs from each bulbous joint
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

YOU GOT MY PHOTO THEN?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

of your cock

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:55, Reply)

That was later.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:57, Reply)

i have nightmares over it

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:55, Reply)

As the only slim chap here who is over 6' solvent and a property owner, I'm pretty sure that I win.
+ doesn't have a drug addiction
+ isn't an IT goblin
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:49, Reply)

no.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:50, Reply)

lols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:51, Reply)

Not the only one who fits those criteria.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:51, Reply)

a yoghurt infested tent in a field outside coventry doesn't count

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:52, Reply)

It's still 'property'

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

property lawyer says no

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

no foundations = non permanent structure = gypsey

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:54, Reply)

also, i thought commies didn't believe in "property"

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:55, Reply)

Property is theft.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:58, Reply)

thats *their* word. We must use Pikey.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:56, Reply)

Run along and make us a cup of tea now love

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:55, Reply)

it's cruel to the teabush
i can't dip those poor little leaves in boiling water, sorry
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:56, Reply)

i've edited to tighten the criteria

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

keep tightening

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:56, Reply)

we did have a triangle of hotness at one point (not put together by me)
labs was definitely one corner of it. i can't remember the other two.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:52, Reply)

LOOKS LIKE IT WOULD BE A SQUARE NOW THEN

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

YES
YES YOU DO
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

GEEK CHIC

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:54, Reply)

ahem

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:52, Reply)

you have a bent dog

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

Not in the criteria, sorry

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:54, Reply)

edited to tighten the criteria

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:54, Reply)

I even visit customers, I'll have you know

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:55, Reply)

how long is it when you dont glue it down?

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:54, Reply)

grammar lols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:56, Reply)

DAMMIT NILES!!

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:57, Reply)

I used to quite like Frasier

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:59, Reply)

HahA.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:45, Reply)

I have an odd skill that allows my brain to think about problems without me even really knowing about it
Hence I'll wake up at 4am with an answer quite often. I once woke up whilst stuck on a college assignment to find I'd written the answer down all over my desk in pencil, without even knowing about it.

AltAlt:
Any CoCoPops/Frosties one
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:41, Reply)

That was me, I had been watching you sleep and wanking intto your hair and I thought I'd help out

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:48, Reply)

I wasn't thinking about a replacement for conditioner

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:54, Reply)

If you ever wake up at 4am with the answer to the question 'why are you such a knobcheese?' do write it down, there's a love.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:01, Reply)

sportscow NEQ hartley hare

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:01, Reply)

I once had a dream in Welsh with English subtitles.
You might think I'm just saying this to be LOLWAKI but I actually did. Honest.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:02, Reply)

I once had a dream where everyone had a "readybrek" glow around them

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:03, Reply)

*cooks Monty a vegi sausage*

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:41, Reply)

hi

( Theoban What of it, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:52, Reply)

don't you mean "hoi"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:53, Reply)

hej

( Theoban What of it, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:54, Reply)

hodor

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:55, Reply)

shhh monts'll burst

( Theoban What of it, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:57, Reply)

I miss that guy
He said some profound things.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:57, Reply)

Really got everyone thinking

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:03, Reply)

alright Theodolite

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:02, Reply)

alright mobo

( Theoban What of it, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:03, Reply)

I have Montell Jordan "This is How we do it" as an earworm
I can't imagine I've heard that song in 20 years, WHERE DID IT COME FROM
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:57, Reply)

south central?

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 9:59, Reply)

Straight outta Compton?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:00, Reply)

Nobody does

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:02, Reply)

Have you been watching the world cinema classic 'Ali G In Da House' again?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:02, Reply)

No, but I was thinking I really wanna watch Boys N the Hood or Friday again as I've not seen them in years
+ Menace II Society
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:08, Reply)

look how old kid and play look...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kid_'n_Play
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:16, Reply)

:o(

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:25, Reply)

I thought that reading was all popular now there's written down porn and books that need batteries.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:03, Reply)

i think this is just you

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:08, Reply)

I prefer the analogue warmth of real books.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:09, Reply)

lol

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:17, Reply)

Battered's posts have reminded me of this excellent record,
which is by the most unbelievably-named artist of all time.

Seriously what in God's name was she thinking of, when she decided on her name?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xjnpPrDn04
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:07, Reply)

this link has reminded me how shit Arogs adverts are

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:09, Reply)

I read that in the style of Rooby Roo

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:10, Reply)

the first comment
"i actually like it cos african people are round like pebbles and they're the same colour as poo TROLOLOL"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:10, Reply)

FUCK SHITPANTS PEBBLEE-POO

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:10, Reply)

HAHAHAHAA desk losl

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:12, Reply)

Lol
I do like a good 'answer' record
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:10, Reply)

It's a classic, and the original by The Boogie Boys is too.
They were great.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:10, Reply)

old hip hop is so simplistic

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:12, Reply)

I fucking love it, partly for that reason.
I have a particular liking for the disco rap records, pre sampling, pre drum machines, where the record labels used their house bands to play cover versions of classic breaks because there was no other way of providing a seamless backing track.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:17, Reply)

never really heard of that, link a brother up

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:18, Reply)

classic example here:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L_YHWQMFu4

The band is playing this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qE0AeWdpjFg

Had they had samplers they could've looped it up but they didnae. Tape loops were possible (as evidenced on some disco edits) but fucking laborious and I imagine these guys had probably never even heard of such a thing
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:24, Reply)

Lazy sods, it's not that hard to make a tape loop.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:25, Reply)

Typical lazy niggers

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:26, Reply)

Just like to point out that the MCing on that record is exemplary.
If there are any young 'rappers' reading, you should make notes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:39, Reply)

Morning Wanglers
Reading Kate Furnivall - second novel.

It's disgusting that manufacturers try to fob you off with 1 year guarantees. They're not even legal.

alt. Apart from maybe having a talent for gay clothing design I don't think I've Gok Wan.

Alt alt. Sorry, I don't think we get sausages up north.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:07, Reply)

alt alt: I think you call them 'barm cakes' or something

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:09, Reply)

Do we eccles like.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:11, Reply)

I'm getting really fucked off by those Paul Whitehouse Aviva adverts.
I used to think he was ok, now he's descended into 'would like to hit in the face with a shovel'.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:12, Reply)

this^
Shit Geordie accent he does too
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:15, Reply)

+ just like everyone else in the north east.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:16, Reply)

*smirks*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:18, Reply)

*stubs fag out*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:18, Reply)

FACT BOMB^

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:19, Reply)