This morning I waited five minutes for my toast, only to discover I hadn't switched the toaster on.
The other week, I did a similar thing with the kettle. I can only assume this is the onset of senile dementia.

Make me feel better by telling me what horrifying health issues you have.

Alt: what's the fliddest thing you've ever done?

AltAlt: lunch, or saink.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:28, 168 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

My throat is getting a bit itchy.

I'm thinking of paying for a flu jab.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:32, Reply)

They won't be able to do it if you have any kind of cold

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:33, Reply)

Nor would a flu jab have any positive effect on his cold.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:35, Reply)

Well, quite.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:36, Reply)

Yeah, but I think it's a good idea anyway.
Anybody else getting it?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:42, Reply)

I had mine
but only because I work in a pharmacy and live with a vulnerable elderly person.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:43, Reply)

live with +am
( Muns, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:46, Reply)

I definitely don't work in a vulnerable elderly person.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:48, Reply)

Dunno what you mean...
*cough*
( Muns, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:48, Reply)

Yes, children and the elderly.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:44, Reply)

YEAH BUT
They are only a tenner for 'normal' healthy people. And the flu is proper shit, even for normal healthy people.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:46, Reply)

Ours are only seven quid.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:48, Reply)

You don't add on a £3 surcharge for cunts who most people would rather see dead?
Address plx.
( Muns, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:50, Reply)

The Pharmacy
Munsta's local Asda that has a pharmacy
Where Munsta lives
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:52, Reply)

Postcode, for the satnav?

( Muns, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:55, Reply)

my dad gets one every year
he says that he had flu once, and anyone who's had it once wouldn't risk getting it again. he gets really angry with people who have a cold saying, "i have a touch of 'flu."

one year he went for the jab and the nurses were in hysterics. they said the chap before him had gone in, been told to take down his pants, and got the jab in his bum. he stood up, rubbing it, and said plaintively, "i only came in to have some stitches out of my hand..."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:57, Reply)

My toaster won't allow you to push the thingy down if it's not switched on.
Aside from any unknown tumours growing invisibly inside me, I am a picture of good health.

Alt: I have quite long limbs.

Altalt: Ten minutes.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:34, Reply)

It was switched on, and I thought I'd pushed the thingie down.
Apparently I didn't push hard enough, or something.
The kettle thing was just fliddism, though. I keep filling the kettle and forgetting to switch it on.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:36, Reply)

I've got arthritis. At my age. Only in the one knee. But it sucks.
Alt: a lot of my work is fiddly, trying to wire in fire alarm systems in to roof spaces only just big enough to get a hand in.
Alt: same as every day. Ham, pickles and mustard sandwiches.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:37, Reply)

I think I must have been about your age when I was diagnosed with arthritis.
If it's any consolation, it just gets worse and by the time you hit forty, you're likely to be a cripple.

HTH
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:38, Reply)

Well, that's reassuring.
I'm swimming twice a week which is supposed to help. But yeah, I'm not hopeful.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:45, Reply)

If you can stand those massive chondroitin pills, they'll help.
I never got round to taking them, and I'm stiffer than a 70s DJ at youth club.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:47, Reply)

I found a bruise on my leg, but couldn't think how I had done it, until I managed to bang it in exactly the same place the next day and its cause became clear.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:40, Reply)

Were you kicking tramps to death?

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:43, Reply)

A bit of the Beaties but I am generally in good health.
I once had an in-growing hair on my arse. That fucking hurts.

alt: got out of a cab, crossed behind it and walked into a speeding cab.

altalt: Jap noodles.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:43, Reply)

I'm really surprised I haven't got diabetes
considering my age and weight. However, the doctor did gasp at my blood pressure the other day and threatened me with drugs.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:45, Reply)

you don't smoke either do you?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:50, Reply)

+ What do you do?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:51, Reply)

No, never have.
Not even a 'puff'.

Which, as you can imagine, makes me ideally suited for my role as a smoking counsellor.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:51, Reply)

good luck with that empathy.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:52, Reply)

When I started, I tried giving up Diet Pepsi (the nearest thing I could think of to a serious addiction.
I managed about a week.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:56, Reply)

Im easily distracted.
I will go into the kitchen for something, potter about doing something else and leave without whatever I went in for.

Other than the ears Im alarmingly healthy. had people coughing over me at work for weeks, the bloke I was necking on with at the weekend has glandular fever, yet im still perky.

alt. trying to fasten my skinny jeans
altalt. curry
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:43, Reply)

Yeah, that's not dementia mate
You're just thick as pigshit.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:45, Reply)

He didn't say it was, you pompous cunt.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:49, Reply)

What frog said.
You really need to adjust your uncalled for knee-jerk reactions.
Makes you look a prick, hmm?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:51, Reply)

YEAH.
Where be your limousine and your bitches?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:52, Reply)

bitches be trippin
from the ill lines im spittin
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:55, Reply)

The 'question' was about health issues and specificaly highlighed fear of dementia and forgetting things.
DICKFUDGE
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:58, Reply)

So what?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:03, Reply)

She said as a joke that she has the offset of demetia.
Stop reading things as they are.
You tried to attack em and make a funny and failed miserably.
Now fuck off back to obscurity pls.

You are worse than Dozer.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:04, Reply)

onset

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:07, Reply)

let's call the whole thing off

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:10, Reply)

Woah last line is a bit harsh

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:29, Reply)

I'm sure it won't be long before you get aids.
Unfortunately, they won't be the hearing type.
( Muns, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:49, Reply)

Not got it so far.
It's all about safe sex, you see.
I suppose for you it's all about no sex.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:51, Reply)

Yes, I'm getting to that age where most women outrun me.
/rapelols
( Muns, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:54, Reply)

I am at the age where I ask my wife for a weeks written notice prior to trying to maintain an erection

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:29, Reply)

I dont really have any health issues at the moment
The sportsback was been good for a year or so now. My toenail is still black from running, if that counts? I generally don't get ill. A runny nose or a slight cough is as bad as I normally get.

Alt:
I recently opened the car door into my armpit. That HURT

AltAlt:
Jacket spud with cbeese savoury as I couldn't be arsed to think of anything else
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:50, Reply)

Yeah I got a kitchen cupboard door in the armpit. But it didn't bother me none because I am a MAN!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:54, Reply)

THE man in fact.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:55, Reply)

DOWN WITH THE MAN!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:03, Reply)

what?
how? how do you open a door into your own armpit?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:56, Reply)

low door. bent over and reached in (ooer) and got the corner in the pit.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:09, Reply)

I once slammed my car door shut while I was still holding it with the other hand.
That hurt like a bastard. What hurt more was the ignominy when I did exactly the same thing again three days later.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:54, Reply)

My brother once did that.
Unfortunately the door clicked shut, trapping his fingers, and for someone reason wouldn't open again. He was stuck there for about an hour, until his missus came home and called the RAC (Once she stopped laughing).
( Muns, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 12:59, Reply)

Oh lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:03, Reply)

My bum sometimes hurts a bit
I made ramen noodles but guess what wait I poached an egg in it but it seems to have attracted all the soup-mix so the egg part is really spicy. It's quite nice.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:05, Reply)

the only mental issue i have is that i love too much

( $imon $quibb ✅, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:08, Reply)

Cheers

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:08, Reply)

cheers

( $imon $quibb ✅, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:11, Reply)

No real health issues
My knees are fucked though and seize in cold weather but this is due to injury
alt, sat down too quickly this morning and squashed one of my gentlemens vegtables
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:09, Reply)

Your alt made me lol

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:11, Reply)

His alt made every bloke do a wince

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:16, Reply)

I imagine it did.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:17, Reply)

Fucking stupid dangling things

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:28, Reply)

I feel the same way about my boobs

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:32, Reply)

You sit down to quickly and squash them?

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:33, Reply)

No one would be the slightest bit surprised.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:34, Reply)

Alcoholism and
compulsive public masturbation. Just kidding. About the masturbation.

Alt: On seeing the legend 'PLEASE REFER TO BILL PAYER' scrolling along the bottom of a friends tv screen I asked them who Bill Payer was. I was pretty stoned though.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:23, Reply)

The cops are always after poor old Bill Poster as well.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:29, Reply)

(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:38, Reply)

I cut the tips of my fingers off in a bench saw.
BEAT THAT INTERNET!

*profferscock*
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:26, Reply)

Just after the rabbi had done the tip of your penis

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:27, Reply)

you schmuck!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:28, Reply)

This forum appears to be full of spastic old people
I have no health issues, on account of being young, and quite active.

Alt: signed up to this place to socialise in a virtual reality with fliddy old people

altalt: Finally something I can agree with
( Glovington, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:46, Reply)

Why can't glovers
be friends?
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:51, Reply)

How can we be glovers
if we cant be friends
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:03, Reply)

Glove, shine a light in every corner of my heart.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:06, Reply)

One Glove

( Glovington, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:13, Reply)

If this is what 'virtual reality' is like
I'll stick to masturbating to 'Doctors'
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:53, Reply)

dyslexia

(Mr Udagawa, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:52, Reply)

eldaxsyi

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:54, Reply)

and and elephantitis of my penis

(Mr Udagawa, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:56, Reply)

i don't have any (touch wood) (no, not that sort)
alt: good god, how long have you got? whilst trying to text, i did the spakka juggle, and threw my phone under the tube this morning. only the most fortuitous stepping into the way by some clown with dozer sized feet kicked it back towards me in time.

altalt: no lunch. client dinner party tonight innit. i have insisted on a monstrous cheese board, and will skip pudding (chocolate tart with lavender and honey ice cream) to save room. fuck pudding, nasty sweet little twat.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 13:57, Reply)

Apart from the eating disorder

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:08, Reply)

whoa now ... let's not get folk started on their mental illnesses and neuroses ... we'll be here until Christmas
and then we'll be here until New Year hearing about their issues with Christmas pudding and socialising with relatives
(old man river possible lesbian, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:13, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/old_people_talk_bollocks/post6864
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:31, Reply)

Why would you include a description of a pudding you are not going to have?

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:16, Reply)

Torture innit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:17, Reply)

God ... stop going on about her eating disorder

(old man river possible lesbian, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:17, Reply)

I don't think it's related to an eating disorder.
I think it's desperate showing off about how posh her lifestyle is.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:20, Reply)

Who the fuck wants to eat a garden flower

( Glovington, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:27, Reply)

because food chat is the only thing that gets this place going
now fuck off you sad little noob
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 19 Nov 2014, 14:30, Reply)