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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Three sentences
Write a story in three sentences - beginning, middle, end.

For example:-

She loved him but didn't have him.
He screwed them both for fun.
She killed him.

Go.
(I helped save b3ta! chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:32, 241 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Hitler ate the Easter egg
Von Staffenburg realised he forgot to include the bomb
Nobody died
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:42, Reply)

"GNAHHHHHHHHH NO YOU DI'NT, NO YOU DI'NT, IM GONNA GETCHYA"
"WELCOME TO EARTH, PUNK, YOUR VISA HAS EXPIRED"
"CIGAR?".
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:43, Reply)
author begins new book.
author develops writers block.
.....
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:45, Reply)
Nearly there
What the fuck?
Oh it opens from the front.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:46, Reply)
She asked them to be conscise.
They felt restricted.
It was a failure.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:46, Reply)

"Your fanny is big and wide and could consume an entire ocean"
"You have the music tastes of a 40 year old who wishes he was still 17"
[explicit scene]
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:47, Reply)
I love how
this is quite clearly Vipros and TGB
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:48, Reply)
*cries*

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:09, Reply)
hey my music taste spans that of 40 year olds and hip teenagers
he's clearly talking about Monty
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:40, Reply)
I'll take a bet it's you
and it's not a dig at your music taste
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:45, Reply)
I'm willing to bet it's Monty

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:49, Reply)

'm willing to bet pray to Almighty God
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:51, Reply)
not really
don't mind if it is me, but I'm willing to bet that it isn't

Since meeting me though, Amberl is trying to disguise her obvious attraction by being meaner than usual.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:52, Reply)
Y'know
I don't think I want to meet you now, I just don't think I'd be able to cope with falling for you.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:53, Reply)
it doesn't happen to everyone
and you aren't necessarily safe by not meeting me, just look at Roota and Kitty.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:55, Reply)
Part of me fears it's already happening
*remembers The Picture*
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:56, Reply)
hand out of your pants Lab

(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:57, Reply)
Spoilsport

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:59, Reply)
Sorry
it's just the dinnerlady is complaining that your office overlooks the playground
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:59, Reply)
The kids'll learn one way or another

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:00, Reply)
but screams of
'Put the waistcoat on, oh god yes' are not generally how
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:02, Reply)
Hahaha!

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:06, Reply)
You're turning out a generation of children
strangely attracted to sartorial smartness
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:08, Reply)
can only be a good thing

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:09, Reply)
The Picture is awesome

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:57, Reply)
I'm always mean
I'm just meaner today because of hunger. I haven't had a proper full meal since last tuesday, or proper food since the weekend

Edit: and devastatingly attracted? You wish.
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:56, Reply)
I didn't say devastatingly :-P

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:58, Reply)
it's the remnants of common sense holding you back

(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:59, Reply)
more like trying not to embarrass you
by revealing the full depth of your feelings
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:02, Reply)
ah yes feelings
that strange emotion of confusion and pity for the mentally disturbed
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:03, Reply)
I was referring to your feelings, not mine

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:05, Reply)
and yes Vipros uses the well known tactic
of Oppositeland, which generally dies about before the tenth birthday. Or possibly a variation of the 'I wish I said that so I'll pretend I did'
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:09, Reply)
worth a try
however, this has rapidly become even less amusing than it was to start with.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:10, Reply)
I know :(
and less distracting than I'd hoped
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:12, Reply)
I can only apologise

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:15, Reply)
we shall see

(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:52, Reply)

"Lah de dah dah, I'm a lady, with tits and stuff"
"I don't fancy you"
[explicit scene]
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:48, Reply)
kitty & chompy?

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:49, Reply)
I would never sleep with you

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:50, Reply)
i'm not Chompy
edit - shut up Bert
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:53, Reply)
She knows but she couldn't do that reply to me.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:06, Reply)
i have to stop biting!

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:08, Reply)
Try a ballgag

(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:34, Reply)
ha!

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:36, Reply)
I know this is me, but the other voice could be any number.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:49, Reply)
I'm guessing Applebite

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:51, Reply)
It's hard to keep track of all the offtopicers who are after me

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:54, Reply)
Yeah, zero is a tricky number

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:56, Reply)
Only if you're dividing with it.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:57, Reply)
or wearing it

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:57, Reply)
or it's on your bank statement

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:22, Reply)
Nah
rachelswipe innit.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:54, Reply)
That's another for the list.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:57, Reply)
+ that the Police will find all too late

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:02, Reply)
hang on
firstly, how did i get dragged into this?

and two, yeah right, AS IF he doesn't fancy me!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:21, Reply)
ha "how did I get dragged into this"
that's what women say when they've been out with Chompy and they wake up in a bush.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:27, Reply)
doesn't he live in milton keynes?
there's no greenery in milton keynes!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:30, Reply)
course there is,
what do you think they fill the roundabouts with?
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:36, Reply)
all the people that have died of boredom because they lived in Milton Keynes?

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:37, Reply)
adverts for aldi and lidl?

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:38, Reply)

"Yeah', so, anyway, as I was saying before I was interupted, I really like the new Stargate"
"ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION" *Punch*
"Yeah', so, stargate is quite good".
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:49, Reply)

He was listening to Sleeper
To see if the music got any deeper
It didn't.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:51, Reply)
Only just dressed
Learning how to use the washing machine.
Laziness will result in no food for tea.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:52, Reply)

It was a dark and stormy night.
I went outside to close the garage doors.
I got wet.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:52, Reply)

She grew up with so many issues
They clouded her judgement
She died alone
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:52, Reply)

"I'm glad that [bad shit] happened, you deserved [bad shit] to happen to you"
"OH GOD NOBODY LOVES ME, I WAS ONLY JOKING WHEN I WAS BEEING A CREEPY PRICK"
Flouncy Flounce Flouce, McFlouce Flounce.
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:53, Reply)
Bert or MMMNG, or someone else?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:02, Reply)
Growing up, anything seemed possible
As time flew by, so did his dreams, with nothing to show but growing debt and a shrinking friends list.
It turns out that the M.A.S.H. theme tune lied.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:56, Reply)
*sads*
Good story.
(I helped save b3ta! chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:28, Reply)
It was the one wedding present he never opened
For 43 years he'd give it a shake on the anniversary, just to hear the rattle.
They buried it with him.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:56, Reply)
Woah

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:57, Reply)
shame it was a puppy

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:02, Reply)
Haha!

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:02, Reply)
why is it always a puppy in the unopened box
and never a kitten? It's discrimination, that's what it is.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:09, Reply)
because a kitten would have got out
dogs are thick
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:14, Reply)
cat-ist

(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:22, Reply)
you misspelled "you're right"

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:27, Reply)
ZOMG, I just did that spider monkey thing twice in a row :D

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:14, Reply)
awesome!
I'm determined to do aysha tonight.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:20, Reply)
Eek!
Good luck! I've not done an elbow grip for ages.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:23, Reply)
I'm just doing the split grip one, I can't do elbow yet
although I'm going to try and do elbow grip pike into superman, see what happens.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:27, Reply)
Ah right.
Oo, that sounds interesting. Have fun.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:28, Reply)
I hate my fucking job.
I'm going to quit.
Then kill my fucking self.
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:59, Reply)
Is this a cry for help?
Quick! Someone get over to Kristine's house!

What's happening at work? Can it be resolved by weeing in anyone's coffee?
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:06, Reply)
can't kill myself, what would my dog do?!
no, deffo wouldn't do that anyway
it's all kicking off here
best to just step away

if my boss would get back soon, at least
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:11, Reply)
work sucks, I know.
hope it gets sorted and you don't have to go all Falling Down on people.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:14, Reply)
He knew he would give anything to see her face again, to hear her laugh at his bad jokes
He stopped eating, nothing tasted the same without her.
Then he found someone better.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:00, Reply)

found someone better.
fancied a burger.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:01, Reply)
A self confessed predator,
But is she beginning to grow weary of meaningless flings?
Maybe. Probably not.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:01, Reply)
ooh deep

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:03, Reply)
balls deep.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:03, Reply)
eww
I'm giving you that look right now
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:05, Reply)
That 'come hither' look?

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:06, Reply)
Owwh, sorry.
*hangs head in shame*
Does it involve one eyebrow raised?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:06, Reply)
That's a GREAT story
A+ Would read again
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:07, Reply)
yup I'm all

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:16, Reply)
Is this how your kids would look?

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:20, Reply)
*faints*

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:24, Reply)
Dude, if that's Miley Ray Cyrus
She's jailbait.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:25, Reply)
she's quite plain
and her dad is one of the most awful people ever
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:48, Reply)
All he asked was that you didn't break his heart :(

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:50, Reply)
Vipros hates him
because he feels guilty
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:51, Reply)
he had the definitive mullet
and damn you for getting that song in my head. DAMN YOU!
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:51, Reply)
oh god that's well upset me, he looks like Chad Kroeger!
I love the look of nervous laughter on Miley's face
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:28, Reply)
We stole him as a child
They want him back and he wants to go
We're keeping our Fabregas
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:01, Reply)
Arsene only likes under 15's

(TheColonel, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:12, Reply)
Looking around, I saw kindred spirits, crushed though they were
Each one sullen, pale, as if death would be a welcome release.
I wish she'd hurry up in there, how many dresses does a girl need anyway?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:05, Reply)
I like this one.
And then she'll probably end up wearing the first one she put on anyway.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:07, Reply)
Brilliant

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:09, Reply)
The knights rode into the village at dawn.
They were on a quest, they declared, for True Virtue.
After they'd left, the survivors agreed they certainly needed some.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:07, Reply)
David Jones was born in Bromley.
He spent a lifetime releasing God-awful tripe and garnered undeserving plaudits for it.
One day an angry fellow from The Internet broke into his house, tortured and then killed him.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:09, Reply)
*polite applause*

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:13, Reply)
WINNAR!
Death to Bowie
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:04, Reply)
My grandmother just rang
My cousin has just had a little girl.
I don't really care.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:11, Reply)
Is that true?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:12, Reply)
Yep.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:13, Reply)
How can you not care then?
That's weird.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:13, Reply)
No, what's weird is society's belief
That we should care when someone does what's in their nature to do.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:15, Reply)
Empathy is fundamental to the entire human mind.
Family is hardwired into our brains. Apathy is not our default setting.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:16, Reply)
"Apathy is not our default setting."
I like this a lot.
(TheColonel, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)
Then I seem to easily override that

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:18, Reply)
I'm pretty apathetic about almost everything.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:18, Reply)
I don't care

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:19, Reply)
So?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:20, Reply)
*shrug*

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:29, Reply)
I have an intense fear and loathing of babies.
And I don't particularly like my cousin.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:15, Reply)
Oh fair enough, I'm close to all my cousins.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)
I bet you are

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)
I like exactly half of mine.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:21, Reply)
I don't have any
I totally win
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:29, Reply)
You can have some of mine

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:30, Reply)
Take half of mine.
Please. Not the good half though.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:33, Reply)
half my cousins
are slags (in the good sense) the other half have caught religion
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:35, Reply)
Of my four:
The eldest is a dancer, super cool and very pretty and lets me rummage through her wardrobe every now and then.
Then is the rude bint that just produced a crotchfruit
Then is the 13yr old shy one who I like to take under my wing whenever I see her, and take her shopping and stuff.
Then is the hyper, noisy, rude spoilt brat that I can't fucking stand.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:38, Reply)
I have fifteen cousins on my mother's side
They range from the oldest who is about forty and let me use a shotgun when I was ten, the nice ones who are unrepentantly having fun, through to the 3 female ones I cannot stand, all of whom are nurses, religious in the worst kind of way and very much signed up to the 'husband and children as soon as possible' doctrine
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:43, Reply)
I don't care when people I don't really know have babies
especially people in the office. I hate when they then bring them in.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)
If the baby screams a lot.
Don't say "jesus woman people are trying to work".
It doesn't go down well.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:19, Reply)
Love this.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:21, Reply)
They usually come into my room and say "why is this door shut"
and I'll go "someone's screaming spawn was giving me a damn headache" and then they laugh because they think I'm kooky like that.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:30, Reply)
Also on the list of things not to say
Hey do you want me to bring my Uncle Pete in?
erm.. what?
Well you seem fascinated by crying, screaming bald things that shit themselves and he could do with a day out
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:33, Reply)
Or "I'm legally not allowed in the same room as a child"

(PsychoChomp, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:36, Reply)
it's funny because it's true

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:37, Reply)
Yeah, I'm going to have to go and look at it and make cooing noises and say congratulations.
Why anyone should be congratulated for not knowing how to use a condom I have no idea.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:19, Reply)
My MD (millionaire) and his new wife (millionaire in her own right)
Had a child recently, and just after it was born there was a card and collection going 'round. I went for a walk around the building until it had passed through my team.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:21, Reply)
One day, a man Googles for "porn", then "cam shows", then "Russian whores"
Two days later he Googles for "syphilis symptoms" and runs a maps search for the local GUM clinic.
I point this out to my colleagues and we laugh.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:14, Reply)
After going out for a cigarette, TGB decided that has it had been a while she would see if anything exciting had been happening on B3ta.
Logging on she saw that everyone on b3ta had developed a severe and almost crippling disease which meant they were unable to write long sentences.
Wishing to help she drew out her magic bag, rumaged deep (any strike throughs of bag to vagina will not be tolerated) and found her secret collection of commas and other conjunctive words which will allow others to write long free flowing sentences, effectively making a mockery of the whole excercise.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:15, Reply)
TLDR

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:16, Reply)
One day Lab made one quip too many.
TGB killed him.
No one missed him.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)
:(

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:18, Reply)
maybe we're all just influenced by Chuck Palahnuik

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:18, Reply)
Sadly
her magic bag did not contain enough ‘M’s, so she had to misspell ‘rummaged’, making her look like nothing if not a buffoon, a simpleton and an internet ass.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:30, Reply)
Her bag did contain vodka though.
So she drank till she didn't care.
The end.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:32, Reply)
I thought it was a french word, like fromage

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:38, Reply)
or frottage

(TheColonel, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:39, Reply)
A story of life.
He wakes and turns his computer on like a nerd.
He showers and cleans his teeth, as is the daily ritual.
Tiring, there is little else to do but watch Star Trek and get jiggy with the mutt.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:16, Reply)
*applause*

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:47, Reply)
Being a good girl, she bought a train ticket.
The conductor completely ignored her yet again.
She doesn't know why she bothers.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)
He knelt softly on the rusty leaves and felt the bushes tickle his cheek.
The quite crackle was like static as he tuned into nature.
This spot in the garden had the best view of the child undressing.
(TheColonel, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:20, Reply)
"quiet"
otherwise excellent
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:26, Reply)
*shames*
Thanks
(TheColonel, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:29, Reply)
ok
she's doing a masters in creative writing
she can't think of anything good AT ALL
she hates herself
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:23, Reply)
So she visits her favourite website and gets the ball rolling
Copies the lot, releases a book and makes a mint.
None of those fuckers read books anyway, they'll never find out.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:25, Reply)
i like THIS

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:26, Reply)
I Like Breasts: The Definitive Collection

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:31, Reply)
the limited edition 50th anniversary copy with photos?

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:39, Reply)
I'll wait for the braille edition

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:42, Reply)

For sale
One pair of baby shoes
Not used
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:23, Reply)
this actually gave me a lump in my cynical old throat

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:25, Reply)
Confession time...
it was written by Ernest Hemmingway
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:26, Reply)
this stirred me a bit too.
plagiarismo
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:32, Reply)
It's from his book "The first 49 stories"
A friend bet him he couldnt write a story in 10 words or less. I guess he won the bet.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:37, Reply)
Best thing he EVER wrote
I quote this story to every group of students I have. Brilliant writing.
(I helped save b3ta! chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:33, Reply)
My favourite is his short story "After the storm"
about a fisherman who discovers an ocean liner sunk in shallow water.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:40, Reply)
Have you read 'The Old Man and the Sea'?
Just kill the fucking fish!
(I helped save b3ta! chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:58, Reply)
Sure have
I went through a phase of reading Hemmingway just after uni. I thought it would make me interesting and mysterious to women.

It didn't.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:00, Reply)
it's like a bit of Victoriana
ran across it a few years back
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:34, Reply)
aha
it is indeed goosebumps in about 10 words.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:38, Reply)
It's usually 6 words
For sale, baby shoes, never worn.
(I helped save b3ta! chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:43, Reply)

He tried to impress using anothers talent
She made him look like a right spanner
Crap
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:52, Reply)
;)

(I helped save b3ta! chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:57, Reply)

She joined a popular website out of boredom
She made some friends and got called a cunt
....to be continued
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:28, Reply)
you cunt continue this NOW

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:31, Reply)
She realised she hated a certain member and made it very clear to them that she hated them
The member got upset and married someone else.
She cried at what could have been.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:41, Reply)
Al returned from holiday.
TGB was pissed he didn't send her a postcard.
So ran over his bike with Lab's car destroying both in the process
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:43, Reply)
Al enjoyed his honeymoon.
He was so busy with the site seeing and swimming that he only sent postcards to his close family.
He also didn't know TGB's address.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:45, Reply)
Building sites?

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:46, Reply)
websites (of the porn variety)
he spent all honeymoon wanking into a paddling pool, and then swimming through it
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:47, Reply)
My skin is now wonderfully soft

(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:53, Reply)
well worthwhile then

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:56, Reply)
I thought so
though my eyes stung a bit
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:57, Reply)
should have worn goggles

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:59, Reply)
I scream.
You scream.
We all scream for our lives whilst trapped in a building that is not up to code on fire exits.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:31, Reply)
Shivers on skin
cold tremors
It never existed
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:33, Reply)
They were together for almost ten years.
Lying for so long takes its toll.
The end still came as a surprise.
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:37, Reply)
It's hard when you find out they're actually Scottish.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:44, Reply)
The pleasant surprise was the accent

(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:51, Reply)
I wonder if he'd say that
;-)
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:53, Reply)
I doubt it
he hates english people.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:53, Reply)
Eh you, you cheeky mare
He likes my accent
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:58, Reply)
I feel I should apologise in advance
I may flinch a bit when we first meet. Takes me a while to get used to hearing strong accents ;-)
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:59, Reply)
You won't flinch
You will visibly relax, you will drift off as your ears are lulled by the soothing melodies of my speech.
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:00, Reply)
I hope so :-)

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:01, Reply)
and wake up to find your wallet missing

(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:03, Reply)
Is that because, Down South
They teach you that, if you hear a Scouse accent, you have to immediately mumble that you're sorry, but you have no money on you?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:02, Reply)
You also cross the street
and don't get your phone out until you're safely round the corner.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:04, Reply)
Several vodkas and a splitting headache later
she got dressed, caught a taxi
was there in time for the funeral
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:39, Reply)
Um bongo, um bongo.
I bet they don't drink it in the Congo.
Fucking liars.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Drinking all night with a woman he doesn't know.
Now he sleeps with one eye open.
And she sleeps with the fishes.
(I helped save b3ta! chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:42, Reply)
UNRELATED ASIDE
Being a fan of the Isley Brothers I have just been most amused to have dealt with a Mr Tristan Stout.

'Shake it up baby (shake it up baby), Tri-stan Stout (Tristan Stout)' etc.

Well I found it funny.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:44, Reply)
Awww bless
*pats head*
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:46, Reply)
Being simple, I am easily entertained.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:47, Reply)
*dangles piece of string*

(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:54, Reply)

piece of string penis.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:57, Reply)
What an amazing coincidence!
I was talking with chap called Mike Harvestfortheworld this very morning.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:56, Reply)
OMG
And I thought I was alone when I met Dave Oooga-chucka-Oooga-Oooga-I-Can't-Stop-This-Feeling
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:01, Reply)
My boss is called
Pamela Nomadawachudo-Ionlywanabewithu
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:05, Reply)
Mine is called Eleanor Rigby
/not very good at this
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:06, Reply)
I love the name Eleanor

(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:08, Reply)
I always like to imagine it being said
El-e-a-nor, rather than el-an-or
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:11, Reply)
I like to imagine that going and doing
are pronounced the same way as boing
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:15, Reply)
They are if you come from Norn Irn.

(I helped save b3ta! chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:46, Reply)
I used to do that as a kid

(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:24, Reply)
it's quite nice I suppose
the only one I know is a very nice person, which helps.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:11, Reply)
That's my sister's name
Named after Eleanor of Aquitaine.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:21, Reply)
I'd Aq her taine
if you know what I mean.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:22, Reply)
I've only met one and she shortened it to Ellie

(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:24, Reply)
Those fools at the research lab had called him mad, but he'd show them all!
He threw the switch and for one glorious instant was in two places at once.
Sadly for both him and the building's other occupants, one of them was a load-bearing wall.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:51, Reply)
This reminds me of a smallville episode
where a bank robber can walk through walls but is sick or something and leaves an arm in the vault door
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:54, Reply)
there was something
a bit like that in The Dresden Files as well
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:54, Reply)
This reminds me of a time when I was really really bored
and could smell fish.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:54, Reply)
hahahahahaha

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:56, Reply)
Sounds like
The Philadelphia Experiment
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:59, Reply)
it has nothing to do with cheese

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:00, Reply)
It was also in an episode of Fringe
It's not exactly a new idea, I'm just riffing on it.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:01, Reply)
Rome gets organised and expands it's empire.
Too much bread, circus and not enough civic virtue.
Rome falls to the Barbarians.

Take that Gibbon, you long-winded twat.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:03, Reply)
I won't hear a word against Gibbon
Bananas and coconuts nourished him in youth
Provided with strength to write his epic
he is now misunderstood by many
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:06, Reply)
But did he like breasts?
And also, who is he?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:08, Reply)
I'm not sure if he liked breasts
I think he did though. The Gibbon who wrote 'The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:11, Reply)
He did suffer from an ailment* that makes...
...one's conker bag swell to Buster-Gonad(ish) proportions. Apparently at the time of his death they were the size of honeydew melons.
*'hydrocele testes' for all you fans of disfigured bollocks.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:18, Reply)
I have just climbed Kilimanjaro.
With my three wives.
One at a time.
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:07, Reply)
Brautigan
"It's very hard to live in a studio apartment in San Jose with a man who's learning to play the violin." That's what she told the police when she handed them the empty revolver.

Richard Brautigan- cheating in 2 sentences.
(groover j lazerus, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:29, Reply)

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