I've just remembered something I saw this morning that will bug the hell out of Monty
There's a new restaurant/bar opening soon in Norwich called Lola Lo (I assume because no drunkards will be able to fall into a taxi and say "Take me to Lola Lo" coherently enough to actually be delivered there), and its sign outside says "Coming soon - the latest edition to Norwich's nightlife".

This annoys me enough to want to correct it with masses of Tipp-Ex, so I assume (hope) such a public act of grammatical idiocy has monty foaming at the mouth.

What have you seen lately that you're confident would annoy a fellow B3tan?

Alt Q - How far and how fast do you predict the HIV outbreak in the American porn industry will spread?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:29, 193 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What's wrong with that?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:35, Reply)

What's wrong with you?

(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Kuru

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

You too?

(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

It's probably the best disease I've ever had.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Yeah, I had that beri-beri once. It was ok, but not a patch on kuru.

(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:58, Reply)

That took me several reads before I spotted the problem

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

I'm sorry to say
that I anticipated that this might be the case (not with you specifically) and was rather looking forward to it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:43, Reply)

That's because you are really fucking thick.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)

I was in the Geffrye Museum last weekend
where the self-same error was made on one the commentary plaques on an exhibit.

My mother 'had a word'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

That's appalling
Outside a venue which is likely to play host to at least one case of uncontrollable vomitus in its opening week is one thing, but in a museum it's totally unnacceptable
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

I saw someone having milk and sugar in their tea
This will annoy some b3tans.
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)

A bit of sugar yes!
Milk? In tea? I think not.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:48, Reply)

I recently saw a forrin using a public drinking fountain.

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:50, Reply)

I hope the area was cordoned off and steam-cleaned afterwards?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

This is what you actually do for a living, isn't it Monty?
You're head of a crack team of disenfectant commandos, like out of Monsters Inc. Your squad swoop in and decontaminate any item of public usage which has been befouled by anyone without blonde hair and blue eyes
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:52, Reply)

No, it's not.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

No he sells the steam cleaning equiptment to the crack teams of monsters

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Don't care
From now on, that's what you do. In fact, I'm going to apply this principle to all B3tans. Damien, for example, is a professional Scally. He walks into a pub, says "alright" about a hundred times in a nauseating high-pitched voice until the landlord pays him to leave. As a borderline Scouser, this is as close to work as he's ever likely to get.

No offence mate
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:58, Reply)

The entire fountain was disassembled and autoclaved
and the miscreant birched.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:56, Reply)

I am relieved to hear that even in these testing times
some basic standards are being maintained. It's part of the Big Society.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:02, Reply)

It annoys me that I can spell chauffeur but get simple words wrong.
Those dirty porn stars had it coming. *snigger*
( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

It annoys me, too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

I wish you could love me for my beauty inside and and not despise me because of my spelling : (

( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I'm afraid it just doesn't work like that. I'm sorry.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Don't worry blousie
he loves me for my spelling and hates me for my poetry
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:07, Reply)

^ I hate you for the slur on my heritage.
Your poorly-constructed verse is merely irritating, by comparison.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Did you not recognise the provenance of the verse?
And what, no mention of why you like me, but two of why you hate. Oh Monty :(
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:24, Reply)

The reasons I like you are your beauty, charm, and caustic wit.
And apart from the 'Iron Maiden' and 'Busted' issues, you like good music on the whole.

How's that?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Now that is remarkably nice
though there is nothing wrong with Fightstar... really. I'll buy you a ticket for them one day
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:52, Reply)

You mean "shofer"

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:56, Reply)

fo sho

( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Wotcha.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Hello, my favourite drug-addled maniac.
How are you?
( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Fucking A-1, me old china.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

*knows things*
*giggles*
( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:23, Reply)

*narrows eyes*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Is this the thing from last weekend or a new thing?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Clendrix!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:06, Reply)

It's me.
I should be working, but I can't resist b3ta a moment longer.
( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I'm looking forward to seeing you in one week
But sssh, don't tell anyone.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

I'm looking forward to seeing you too.
I will keep this secret also.
( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Very good, as you were

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I'm looking forward to seeing you in a totally non secret way

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Gonz will die.

( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I'm looking forward to seeing him too obviously
But you more
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:28, Reply)

:)

( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:42, Reply)

this is really for gonz's thread
but it seems to have been dumped for this younger blonder thread, so.

i am highly chuffed this morning as i managed to get my £300 knocked off my phone bill. i get free landline calls, but have not paid bill since june due to an ongoing row with virgin about their shoddy service. turns out the sneaky devious rotten bastards are now trying to claim that only calls under an hour are free. anything over that and you have to pay for the lot. i flatly refused this butterless anal shafting on the basis that it was not properly incorporated into the contract as it is hidden in teeny tiny smallprint on the bill. they have now given in, hoorah.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Congratulations
Both for the impressive legal victory and for the unparalleled use of the phrase "butterless anal shafting"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

fanks!
i hate being ripped off. and to offer free landline calls but cap it like that... if i'd hung up at 59 mins and called straight back, they would have been no better off. it's just a ripoff!

of course it serves me right for spending so long on the phone, but meh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:05, Reply)

BT have that rule
But it's more clearly stated. And yeah, you can hang up and call back after 59 minutes and it still costs you nothing.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:07, Reply)

it's because they know you will forget
who times a phonecall ffs.

apart from BT and virgin, clearly.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:08, Reply)

And your phone
Which probably shows how long you've been on for.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

oh
oh. the new set (1 fixed, 1 portable) that i bought a few months ago actually does.

hmmmmm.

oh well.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

An hour!
AN HOUR!

What do you talk about for an hour?

On a regular basis?!?
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:05, Reply)

silly zozimus
it depends who is on the other end!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:06, Reply)

*winks*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:08, Reply)

*offers tissue*

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

I'm with Zoz on this one
I can't imagine being on the phone for an hour. Perhaps in my youth, but no longer. I think this may be a male/female divide
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Five minutes
and I'm looking for an exit from the conversation.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Conversations should be
Alright? Pub? Time?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:16, Reply)

that's because you've never spoken to me on the phone
clearly!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

oh god
i am frequently on the phone for several hours! i once had a boyfriend who lived about 2 hours away, so we spent a lot of time on the phone. i ended up having to see a physio because the tendons in my forearm cramped up after so long holding the cordless phone and got all knotted. i'm quite careful how i hold it now!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Hands free is your friend.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

not if it means your neighbours can hear the conversation
not always appropriate
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:19, Reply)

And the tendons in your hand cramped up from holding the phone?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:19, Reply)

i don't know what you are implying

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:22, Reply)

I spend all day on the phone at work but rarely have a conversation over 10 mins
I have perfected the art of the brief call

Say hello
State purpose
Solve problem
Go
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

well of course, at WORK!
but at home? when you haven't seen your friend for about 24 hours??

honestly.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

At home I have it thusly
Say hi
State purpose
Make arrangement
Go
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I hate talking on the phone for more than 5 minutes
My missus will call me up on her break and jabber on for 20-30 minutes, even though I'm seeing her in about 4 hours time.
There are some that I'd gladly chat to for longer than 5 minutes, people like Tourettes and DG who I don't get to see often.
Thing is, I'm never not doing anything, therefore calling me is disturbing me.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

i multi-task

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I'm always a very busy man
and i hate pointless phone calls.

they really annoy me.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:23, Reply)

A mate of mine is really awful for failing to get to the point
Every time I ask what the plan is, he'll insist he's not bothered. I'll table something, he'll counter and go into exacting detail as to why it won't suit. Repeat ad nauseam. It took me 20 mins to shepherd the conversation towards a conclusion.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I can too, but I'd rather just be doing the thing I was doing before I was called
Calling me for a chat is akin to barging through my front door and demanding attention. And I'm too nice to screen calls.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Well at least one of us has a victory of this nature to celebrate.
I am very pleased for you.

You don't fancy calling WankWank for me do you? To add insult to injury there was a mailshot from them on my doormat last night suggesting I 'switch' to them for their amazing broadband 'service'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:07, Reply)

i am on a roll at the moment
so far this david has taken on the following goliaths:

oxford city council (parking ticket)
virgin (phone bill)
crown estates (lease extension)

and saved the following:

£80
£300
£10,000

anyone want to come shopping???

why don't you let me look up their CEO for you and give you the letter i sent to virgin's CEO (not branson!)? that'll fix it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:11, Reply)

shopping sounds good
I need more boots
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:12, Reply)

me too
and a new handbag!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Can we go shopping for YE DRUGGES?
A pal has Peruvian flake for £90 a throw.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

How are you david?
Trained lawyer takes on customer service temps.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:28, Reply)

...aged 12, on two rupees a day, at 4am their time....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

on the plus side
she wore a very fetching skirt and sandal combination.

So quite David-like really
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:32, Reply)

if you are going to piss on my chips don't be an utter moron about it
customer service oil-rags don't make that sort of decision. you either cough up or you argue it out with their senior engineer.

and i don't think the crown estates' magic circle multi-million pound lawyers would enjoy your description of them either!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Have they still not sorted it Monty?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

NO.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:22, Reply)

virgin did exactly this to me
none of the non-english speaking tools on the helpline could help me. i got into such a blinding rage with one of them, who kept lying to me, that i thought i was going to swim over to india and kill him. nor did i believe his name was "richard jones" when he had an indian accent i could have cut with a poppadum.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Best one I ever had was (in comedy 70s racist Indian accent)
'Hello my name is Steve Davis'

I pissed myself.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Follow my lead
And when the overseas person introduces themselves as 'Dave' or whatever, give them your details and request that for the duration of the call, they call you 'Sanjay'.

It confuses them no end.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:30, Reply)

they shouldn't be told to do it
it is rude for everyone. virgin should either accept that people don't like the long-distance phonecalls because you can't hear them properly and it's crackly and pay someone in england to do it, or be upfront about it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I quite agree
Especially if they're asking for money.

*Plots to refuse to pay bills as the person requesting the money doesn't sound like they're really a Jennifer and I suspect fraud*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Virgin are shiteyes.
They are claiming that the package I asked for online had broadband at £25 a month (it didn't). However I was in the US when they installed it, and the paperwork left behind did indeed say £25 a month on it. However, I wasn't there at the time and I haven't actually signed either copy so I'm pretty sure they can't hold me to it.

You've done well to get that refunded as the "charging for calls over an hour" is absolute cast-iron standard in every single free calls package available and always has been. Well played.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:26, Reply)

well
i think they were just so glad that i agreed to cough up for the tv and internet, which they had fucked up badly, and my landline hadn't worked for about 9 months because of an error with their box, and then their engineers failed to turn up for about 3 saturday appointments.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:34, Reply)

I watched Nigella cook spaghetti with a butter and Marmite sauce.
I think I nearly made variable-related-incident boke just by mentioning it.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Did you see last night?
She smirked at the camera as she said she enjoyed 'fisting the chcoclate into the corners'. Disgusting.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:19, Reply)

That was absolutely sublime
FILTH
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

I reckon they're all HIV positive
but are keeping up appearances
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Maybe I'm just tired, but I'm still not seeing it.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:01, Reply)

It should be edition OF.

( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Oh ffs I'm thick.
Thanks.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

You really are.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I'd say it should be "ADDITION to"
personally.

Either way, isn't it a spelling not a grammar error?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Depends whether you're looking at it like most people.
or you're being pedantic just to be annoying.
See below.
( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:24, Reply)

It could be either, I agree.
"Addition to" makes so much more sense though. And I'm not being pedantic, I would have said they'd made a spelling error. I presume they asked for it over the phone and were misunderstood by the signwriters.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I'm being pedantic.
( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:43, Reply)

ah. The correct us of "you're" fooled me.
That never happens on the internet.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Lampitooooo

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Maxiiiiiiiii

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Edition should be addition

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

An edition is something books or journals etc have
an addition is something that a club could be to Norwich's nightlife.
(berk, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:06, Reply)

An edition is also something, printed or not, presented to the public.
They could be editing Norwich's nightlife.
But I doubt they're that clever, and besides, the grammar was incorrect anyway.
( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:10, Reply)

They're not that clever
Luckily for them, neither are most of the potential punters
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

It sounds delightful.
I'm worried that, with a name like that, I may accidentally request it whilst drunkenly slurring the name of another establishment.
( thealternativefact, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:16, Reply)

alright Lampito
get home safely then?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Sorry I didn't text back, my flatmate was in real danger of killing someone.
I have lectures now.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Enjoy the lectures
and that sounds like an eventful evening back
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Was that someone you?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Is this thread
About Timothy Claypole?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

IT IS NOW!
The beard was one of the finest examples of it's kind.
(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:08, Reply)

ALL threads are about Gaypole.
Some of them just don't know it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I am a happy bunny this morning
Not only did someone tell me they liked my hair on the tube, but the internet is finally working in my flat.

Tonight I shall be playing stupid videogames once again and wanking myself into a frenzy over the grottiest the internet has to offer.

Also, Norwich has a nightlife?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:07, Reply)

i really hope
you live alone!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Ahem. With his sister.

/Bertlolz
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:26, Reply)

We have doors
And less mental illnesses.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Also, for you
hackneyhipsterhate.tumblr.com/
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Oh gawd.
I have an awful feeling there'll be a picture of me on there somewhere.
( wanderlust, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:47, Reply)

That's funny
Some of the commentary is pure Monty.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:54, Reply)

I love the picture of the guardians stacked up

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Ha!
I like the casualty post.

"mewling like a sick kitten and clearly wrecked after a night on the boutique lagers and face-powders"
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:00, Reply)

As do I.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:34, Reply)

OUTSTANDING.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:18, Reply)

I'm not actually going to do that.
I'm off out for a work do.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Don't do it man!
They's all got thee AIDZ!
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

you can't get aids off the internet
you can only catch it from toilet seats that girls have used.

at least, that's what i learned at skule
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I resent that remark.
I've never given anyone aids. I'm keeping it all for myself.
( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I'm sure it will be a welcome addition to the rich and diverse activities that one can partake of in Norwhich
Such as vomiting in the street and sexual relations with close family members
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:40, Reply)

i've never actually been to norwich
but i wonder why it has this rep. is it really any worse than various parts of the country??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:58, Reply)

I don't know, i'm just reinforcing stereotypes for fun and profit
aint I a stinker!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:00, Reply)

i'm a bit fragile this morning
got all upset by the pictures in the paper of a pelican scoffing a pigeon live. and the article said people were filming it and cheering "go on son" to the pigeon. but nobody bothered to go and punch the pelican in its thieving fish-eating throat to help the pigeon not be eaten alive, oh no, they just watched it flap about in terror for about 15 mins. this story has made me feel quite sick!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:03, Reply)

I haven't seen that
but when I was in the Galapogos I saw a pelican in the sea having his feet nibbled by fish, so it backpeddled a bit and then scooped some up.

True story.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:05, Reply)

any story that starts with
"when i was in the galapagos" makes me unsure as to whether i should put you on IGNORE out of sheer jealousy.

urgh pelicans are vile, big fishy smelling bastards!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:07, Reply)

It was 8 years ago and I haven't been diving since
so you can laugh at me for being rubbish
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:08, Reply)

yes but i have never been
so you win. besides, i would never laugh at you.

well, i laugh at you on here all the time, but that's in a complimentary fashion!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:10, Reply)

First time I saw one in the flesh I was shocked at the size of it
they're like Pteranodons.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:08, Reply)

they are hideous
big flat footed things. quite why russia felt the need to give us 4 as a present about 100 years ago is a mystery (they were probably bugged).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:09, Reply)

At a restaurant in Cyprus
I saw one flop down on a neighbouring table and scoop up the salt shaker. A waiter quickly ran out, grabbed the bird and shoved his hand into it's beakflaps to get it back.
Very surreal to watch!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:13, Reply)

clearly also not very bright!
unless it liked salt and vinegar on its fish and chips...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:17, Reply)

beakflaps!
Word of the day!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:31, Reply)

You can hire them y'know
the only problem is they come with a large bill
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:10, Reply)

see, right here?
this is one occasion when i am NOT laughing. oh, colonel.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:11, Reply)

The cold steely stare of one that is not amused

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:20, Reply)

I've said it before
Hot Shots: Part Deux!
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:22, Reply)

I haven't fired her out of a bow
yet
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:23, Reply)

I LOVE THIS
she is so cute
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Poor Charlie, she'll probably be in bed by the time I get home tonight
no walk around the garden for her
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:26, Reply)

does she walk with you
or run off scratching at things?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:36, Reply)

She starts off with me
and after a few minutes runs off to investigate stuff
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:38, Reply)

it must be a pretty nice life
wander around in the nice clean air with your favourite person in the whole wide world, see the tasty food, eat the tasty food, go to bed.

charlie must enjoy it too.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Ha!
I think she has quite a nice life, she could perhaps do with some other chicken friends but they would probably kill each other.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:44, Reply)

compared to where you saved her from
i should think so! you're like some sort of chicken hero.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Just Deux It!

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Pfft!

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I saw a heron up close
a couple of weeks back and nearly shat myself at its Godzilla-esque proportions. Ravens are also unexpectedly enormous.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:10, Reply)

There's a lot of herons near here
in the evening you'll be out for a walk and then one of them will silently fly low over your head and nearly give you a heart attack.

I saw condors once in a zoo. They are freaky things, from a distance they look like short evil monks crouching in the trees.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:21, Reply)

So it swapped fish
for rat?

Can't say I see the attraction.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Animals eat other animals
that's what happens.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:14, Reply)

yes but
(i) pelicans are not native and (ii) they are supposed to eat fish exclusively. this is not natural!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:18, Reply)

I've been once and it wasn't that bad really.
I just hate the flatness of that area. It freaks me out.
( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:00, Reply)

I went to a good market in Norwich once.
Good army surplus and bootleg gig tapes. This was in about 1988.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Swindon
has the highest teenage pregancy rate in the land. The Scots have the worst teeth. And the worst heart disease. Exeter has the gayest beards.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:12, Reply)

I've made up a song to the tune of "Sandman"
that I know will irritate any B3tan with a modicum of musical or linguistic ability. Or even anyone with even the vaguest sense of metre.

It's about Microsoft Updates and the words are crammed in so badly that I have to perform some quite extraordinary vocal quickstep to crowbar them all in.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:08, Reply)

1. Meter
2. That sounds shit beyond belief.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:10, Reply)

1: It is also a measurement thus, in Britain "metre"
2: It's exquisite in its awfulness.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:11, Reply)

So it's 'Iambic Pentametre' then?

Clue: no it's fucking not.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:14, Reply)

A metre equals three foot, three
It's longer than a yard, you see.
(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:15, Reply)

Pentameter
dimeter, hexameter.

All forms of metre. Fact.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:16, Reply)

Yeah? Well YOU'RE GAY.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Perhaps.
But I'm also correct.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:20, Reply)

But, you DID make up a song about Microsoft Updates.
I'm sorry Groany, but that's a bit like claiming that you deserve credit for not stepping on a snail when you've just been caught commiting some heinous crime that offends all decency, like snogging Su Pollard.
(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Groany snogged Su Pollard?!
Ban this sick filth!
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Su Pollard
would totally get it.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:32, Reply)

I'm going out now. I may be sometime.
I suggest that you have good long think about what you've said there Groany.
(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:34, Reply)

This is about Giles Coren isn't it?

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:26, Reply)

He IS Giles Coren.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I'm reading his Wiki page at the moment
and not really getting the reference =( I don't give a shit about the Polish.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Shut it Giles
and give us Victoria's phone number.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:35, Reply)

*googles*
Meh, looks too much like Alan.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:39, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/sexism/post602040
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:42, Reply)

I'm not
*that* big a tosser.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:53, Reply)

"It's about Microsoft Updates "
I reached "fuming" level at this point.
(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:11, Reply)

*facepalms*

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Should be addition yeah?
I love life.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:55, Reply)