Complaints & Resolutions
I am in a major row with my sons school as they have attempted to single my son out in a number of ways. There is no basis for this, and all of our observations, plus those of his school reports and other things contradict it. The school have broken several procedural rules, they have refused to communicate with us, and I am writing to Ofsted and everybody else I can think of.

The FHM plagiarism has incensed me. I just called them to enquire as to their editorial policy and am writing to their editor (Colin Kennedy - tel 020 7295 5000 email [email protected]). I feel if all b3tans write polite complaints, and call in, then FHM may stop stealing from us.

On top of that, I would like to complain to the BBC that I haven't been given my own prime time show.

My question is, therefore, after his lengthy preamble, who would you like to write a complaint to (sensible or not), and what action would you like them to take to remedy things?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:30, 196 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Vision Express have given me contact lenses that have apparently scarred my eyes
so I want free laser eye surgery from them. This will probably not happen though as it's unlikely I'll complain. I'm rubbish at complaining.

What are the school saying your kid has done? Is this a case of "my little angel wouldn't do that?"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Other kids are bullying his son
because his dad is an internet nonce.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:39, Reply)

I thought that was your kid

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

yeah thanks Bobby.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

oh come on that so wasn't harsh!
I've been way meaner when I was trying to make you cut down on drugs.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:02, Reply)

I know, and I am grateful to you for it.
I AM trying, you know.

Yes, 'very trying' ahahahahaha.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:04, Reply)

It's only because I care
oh can we have an intervention on Friday? Can we can we can we?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:08, Reply)

Monty please bring some industrial strength downers on friday.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I'm on it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:16, Reply)

No, no, that's your child.

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

Just how many log-ins have you got, Bobby?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:02, Reply)

just the one princess

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Aw forever in your heart?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Good, you're back.
You were a bit of a cunt earlier. I'm sorry I annoyed you, though.

You fucking nonces are so touchy.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:08, Reply)

I was very out of order and I'm sorry.
I didn't get a chance to even sniff a child's hair today so you can imagine I am a bit tetchy.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:09, Reply)

We shall say no more about it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:16, Reply)

this was touching.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Get exacting details of the nature of the damage caused
and what, precisely, is wrong with your eyes to make you need them

Not necessarily for suing purposes, just because you can't be too careful with your eyesight. As someone with early-onset macular degeneration, if anyone does anything to in any way inconvenience my eyesight I will absolutely fuck them up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:39, Reply)

It's hard to prove too.
This happened to me and the opticians said I had got something under the lens and rubbed my eye without realising.
I've been unable to wear contact lenses for any useful length of time for about 20 years now.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

They said that I might have developed an allergy to them
and that I've possibly had an eye infection before now and not done anything about it, so they're insinuating that it's my fault anyway. They said the more I've been wearing the lenses whilst my eye is damaged the more I've been scarring them, but I wasn't to know that. It first happened a year ago and I rung them about it and they said I'd been keeping them in past their sell-by-date (albeit only a day), so that's my fault too so I don't think I have a leg to stand on. However, I'm really worried that I won't be able to wear lenses again or that my sight is going to get worse. I've got an appointment at the emergency eye hospital tonight, but I'm pretty scared
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

But you could get a guide dog
how awesome would that be
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Least comforting statement ever

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Not that awesome, they'll run away and let you get beaten up by a cow like Blunkett.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

*pisses pants*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

How is Blunkett like a cow?
Oh wait never mind.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:04, Reply)

That's what I said!
but I want a guide steed.

I read an article a bit ago about guide dogs and it said that Labradors were the best breed. Apparently they tried spaniels but 4 people died. I proper laughed at that, so this is my karma.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)

What is your prescription, Kitty?
Do you suffer from astigmatism at all?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:57, Reply)

My prescription is like -4.6 or something like that?
Does that sound right? Put it this way, if I take my glasses off I can't read this screen at all until I get about 15cm away.

What's astigmatism?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:59, Reply)

It's where your hands and feet start bleeding like Jesus.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

oh that!
everyone has that though right? Right?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Not Muslims, who are all going to hell.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)

ooh controversialols

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:08, Reply)

Different shaped eyeball
i've got it mildly as well as being ridiculously shortsighted.

If you do have it, you have to get special contact lens
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:03, Reply)

I don't think I do then
my lenses are just normal (cursed) Acuvues. Bastard Acuvue, a plague on their house.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:13, Reply)

That's pretty bad. Above average, anyway
Mine is -6.75 but I'm pretty special, I think wellgroomedwookiee has worse eyesight than me but he's one of about 5 people I've ever encountered who can say that. The good news is that if you don't have astigmatism (a condition which basically makes your eyes fucking awkward to accurately prescribe or create lenses for due to shaping and clouding) it's unlikely that any retinal scarring that's arisen from wearing crappy lenses will have overly dramatic effects.

So your eyes might hate you for a little while but lasting damage is unlikely to have occured (I find a summary is usually for the best because I'm boring)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Wow my vision is GODLIKE at a mear -1.25 and -2.00
yes yes I have wonky eyes
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:12, Reply)

my sister has wonky eyes
until recently one was perfect vision and the other was -1 or something so she only used to wear one lens.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:13, Reply)

thanks, that does reassure me a bit
I asked her if the scarring was permanent and she said yes, but that I should speak to the hospital about it and then when they've treated the pain and stuff I should go back to them and they'll refit me with daily disposables so hopefully that means my lens wearing days aren't over, but I might have to wear glasses at the bash which I'm a bit miffed about because I'm well vain.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:12, Reply)

Get the laser surgery done!
Best money I've spent
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I do want to
but I'm worried my eyes will melt. Plus it's well expensive.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Glasses on a girl are usually hawt,
assuming you don't have coke-bottle mong-lenses.

I am sure you'll prove me wrong though.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Thanks.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:32, Reply)

If you're prepared to splash out a bit
You can get some really nice frames nowadays, Specsavers have a really good range. I used to hate wearing glasses, even though with the macular degeneration wearing lenses 7 days a week isn't clever (restricts oxygen flow to the eyeballs) but since I got my new pairs I really don't mind it so much. Think of them as an accessorising option
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:30, Reply)

I used to hate them
but I received a few 'sexy librarian' related comments a while back and that made me feel a bit better about them but I need some new frames if I'm going to be wearing them more often
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Ms Foxtrot's sister recently had to get her first pair
She's your age, or will be tomorrow, and was initially abhorred by the idea, until she saw the range of options presented to her. She was like a kid in a candy store. Apparently it's easier to justify spending money on fashion accessories under medical instruction to do so
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:38, Reply)

This is why I hate people who wear clear framed glasses
IT'S A MEDICAL AFFLICTION! *sobs*
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:43, Reply)

God those people piss me off
Wearing glasses as a fashion statement is one of my greatest pet hates. I think it was Crowsephine who suggested the next logical step for those idiots would be to nick a wheelchair in order to get down the front at gigs
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:50, Reply)

Thanks
I'll try and get the hospital to give me as many details as possible.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Show them one of your corsets
as a clear example that you are FUCKING BLIND.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:47, Reply)

that's kind of harsh

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

It was meant only in jest.
I didn't mean to 'Bobby out' on you. Please excuse me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

it's ok
I was probably just being oversensitive
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:07, Reply)

What do you mean, you're unlikely to complain?!
They're the only eyes you've got, woman, and they've fucked them up! I mean, obviously get proof and a second opinion or whatever, but I would kick off in an epic style about this.
(berk, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I reckon they'll tell me it's my fault though
and that I should have gone to a doctor last month when I had that 3 day migraine. It takes a lot for me to seek medical assistance, so they'll probably say that was to my detriment. It's annoying though because I never had any problems before they put me on these Acuvue Hydraclear. I think that's why I've been having so many headaches of late as well. There's a personal injury and a medical negligence department at my firm though so I might hit them up for some advice.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:53, Reply)

No, it's not a case of that at all
In brief, he is three years old and at nursery. He is well ahead of the activities done there, and consequently gets bored and doesn't play an active role in them. For example, they play games counting to five. He knows and understands numbers into the thousands. Similarly, they play games to identify squares and other basic shapes. He is way ahead of this.

Last May his head of nursery said they felt he wasn't being challenged and could well be classified as being gifted, and asked if we would allow them to observe him for a week with a view to accelerating his learning. We agreed to this, but what ha actually happened is that on the basis of two 90 minute observations, the local SENCO (not fully qualified to degree level as is now required) suggested he had special needs.

There's a whole load going on around this as a result, but he clearly has no special needs at all. The termly reports back us, the nursery back this, but it seems that as they're independent and were struggling, they're trying to meet various minority criteria for funding etc.

My Mum is a fully qualified regional SENCO, and they've breached a huge number of regulations. They have suggested that we're negligent parents (were there the slightest chance he had a problem, we would be first to get it checked and remedied) and have broken further regulations since. They've even refused to discuss our concerns with us in person. Also, my wife is trying to volunteer as a TA to support her post-grad teaching application. The school has an overlap and since our complaint her records and application, and CRB have been "lost"

Basically, through a lack of competence, and through an inability to communicate, and through breaking regulations there is a possibility that my son will be unfairly and inaccurately stigmatised before he's at school.

There have also been other issues where he's gone to the toilet to get changed after playing in the mud, and while he has no trousers or pants on, the woman helping him has wandered off leaving him naked from the waist down, in front of all the parents then picking up their children.

There are further issues since our complaint where the nursery haven't put his waterproofs on him when they go out to play and the ground is wet, and then leave him in his wet stuff. Same with not putting his wellies on instead of his shoes (we send a change of clothes, and waterproofs every day).

So, no, nothing to do with Tommy, just the idiots responsible for him at school. We're pulling him out and sending him to a different school as a result, but I want this dealt with so it doesn't happen to other parents. We're fortunate as we know the system, and we have an experienced head and SENCO in the family.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

Bugger
On the upside, I know what to bring up in order to break any uncomfortable silences next Monday
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:08, Reply)

They sound incompetent.
If your kid's contemporaries are still identifying shapes and counting to five at three, the whole lot of them are fucking 'special needs'. My daughter's two and is way beyond that shit already, for Christ's sake.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:11, Reply)

different kids learn at different speeds
my little sister is six and not great with her taking away. Yet she is pretty much one of the cleverest children I've met
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:14, Reply)

Different kids do indeed learn at different speeds
but some are also THICK (not your sister, obv.). This is practically heretical to say in this day and age but fuck it: some people are just fucking dim. Not everyone has ADHD, dyslexia, fucking HSBC or whatever.

Little bastards.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Now that is true
and it's not just a case about me being partial- one of my sisters is very nonacademic and the family realise that and let her do her own thing.

The ADHD thing pisses me off. If your child has a genuine problem then mainstream education isn't going to help them. If they don't, then stop shovelling coke and sweets down their neck, set some rules and stop letting them make teachers lives a misery
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:22, Reply)

Quite right
a lot of these syndromes are made up crap to excuse a poor home upbringing and justify naughtiness.

People don't want to take responsibility for their kids' actions.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:26, Reply)

I have HSBC
how dare you be so insensitive
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:38, Reply)

This^
My daughter can write her name and she is 3 and called Elizabeth. I can remember being able to read, write and count long before starting school.

Thicket kids these days, eh?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:15, Reply)

that's my sister's name and she can't spell it

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:43, Reply)

Jebus, that is terrible!
Sue the fuckers
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:12, Reply)

So basicly, your son is eaither very very clever, or is completely and utterly retarded.
Yeh', sounds like me in a lot of respects.

Except, you know, he's 3, and you're trying to label him for life.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:12, Reply)

I got up to the retard vs clever point and couldn't be arsed with the rest, to tell you the truth

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I make no claims that he's some sort of genius, and that really isn't the issue
My issue is simply with their trying to label him as something that's inappropriate, in the face of conflicting evidence and then breaching a lot of procedures. Also refusing to discuss things face to face like adults. I'm not willing to have him given an inaccurate label at the age of 3 that'll follow him throughout his school life.

Clearly I'm all for trying to push him, and keep his interest.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Kids start school at such different levels, that's why initially they are subjected to base line tests
so you can track added value throughout the year. The problem is if your sprog is advanced beyond the majority of the class the teacher may not be good enough to cater to his needs and be holding him back. eg - not giving him appropriate books or words. The new foundation system should address this issue.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:23, Reply)

I'm having a nightmare at work today
as a result of a customer being complete and utter thick cunts! I would therefore like to complain as follows:

1 x complaint letter attached to angry, starving dog. I would deliver this to their reception and ask said dog to eat every fucking thick cunt in there..... Grrrr!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:36, Reply)

That's completely impractical
even a large dog is going to be full before it's eaten more than 4 or 5. You need a tiger.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:48, Reply)

I would like to complain
that you are a dullard and an advanced-level homosexual.

My suggested solution is suicide. Yours, ideally, although at a push, my own.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Dear Lady Luck,
Who has got my share of the good?

Yours

Bert.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Afternoon mate
Which school is disasterprone jnr at?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:40, Reply)

I really don't think your going up there for a 'dance-off' will help matters.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:41, Reply)

lol
Sorry Darth.
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)

Ha! This has given me the wonderful mental image
of Darth getting a gang of dancers together in top hats and tails, marching up to the school and straight into the headmaster's office, then launching into the incredibly camp dance routine that gets disrupted at the end of Blazing Saddles.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)

*sings*
"Throw out your hands
stick out your toosh
hands on your hips
give them a push
you'll be surprised
you're doing the French Mistake

VOILA!"
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:37, Reply)

There's a very slim chance
That his education establishment is one at which my dance school is putting on a charity show next year

In which case we'll find out whether or not your above statement is true or not
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)

Shaming bullies
through advanced level foxtrot.

No way could that fail. No way.
( Kroney, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:44, Reply)

'Let's show them, girls!!'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:45, Reply)

"We'll show them what self-confidence is all about!"
"Aaaand, GRAPEVINE"
( Kroney, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Hahaha! Wha??
Grapevine?? You know too much sir. I put it to you that you "foxtrot" with the best of them

best gayest
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Balls

( Kroney, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Two things
a) the Foxtrot is immensely difficult, and anyone who can do it at a high level is to be admired

b) the Foxtrot is in no way gay. Old-fashioned it certainly is, but that's the point. The Cha Cha Cha and Samba, on the other hand, are camp as tits
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Dont spoil the joke man!!
You dance if you want to, sunshine!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:57, Reply)

I'll dance you under the table, sir
Let's all ponder just how that would work

Unless we had a fucking massive table
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

limbo!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

I'm sure you would!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

you can leave all your friends behind...

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

A dance called 'The Cha Cha Cha'
was always going to be somewhat lavender-scented, wasn't it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Tell me about it
An important part of developing any level of ability in the Latin dances is a total lack of self-regard
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:59, Reply)

I got told to 'grapevine' at the gym
I had no idea what that meant so I tripped over my own feet trying to copy everyone else
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

One, two, three
CLAP
( Kroney, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)

No, you got told to 'fuck off' at the gym.
You're deaf as well as blind, it seems.

(was that a bit too mean?)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:59, Reply)

no that one wasn't as mean as the last one
The female gym nazis didn't like me because I'm all thin and shit so you're kind of right.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

At the risk of sounding ig'nant
Why is someone thin, fit and "as strong as a white rhino" going to the gym in the first place?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:09, Reply)

To make the fatties cry, I hope.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:13, Reply)

to laugh at the fatties

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:16, Reply)

Stop copying me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Stop copying me.

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:32, Reply)

This was before I found Pole
and I was only walking 0.3 miles to work instead of 1.8. Plus I really like pie.

And to MOTIVATE the fatties into becoming more like me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Strictly Come Beat Bullying
Way too many masturbation synonyms in that name
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:52, Reply)

dance-off wank in the playground.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

It's not in Norwich
I've back in with him and my wife, so we're out in the sticks.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:03, Reply)

Thank god
I thought you were going to say the Hewitt
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:33, Reply)

Is your son ginger?

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:41, Reply)

..or, perhaps, a 'blackamoor'...?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)

I hope he's not a gypsy. I fucking hate gypsies.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:46, Reply)

God yeah so do I.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

I'd like to complain about my love life but I'm not quite sure to whom.
Any ideas?
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

Lady Luck?
She is as good as anyone else.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)

You wouldn't happen to have her address would you?

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Yup. Here you go.
Lady Luck
Fortune Manor
Maneko Neki
Wishland
(Just over the rainbow).
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Fanku

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

I'll complain as well
it can be an inundation of complaints
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

You're young and have only just started on the long and rocky road to disappointment.
Wait a few years yet.
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Thanks for that!
I'm well along the road now
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Fucking hell, this place us dullard central with this FHM stuff.
Did they steal off _you_, not _us_ or _we_, but _you_ ? Pete's sake, it's a load of who-har about nothing, bunch of twats can bang on how 'fhm steals my content' because you post on the same site. What the fuck do you expect FHM to do, check the whole of the internet?

And now you're harsing poor Colin, and telling other people to do so too. You're not some super elite protesting-against-the-big-man super-mum here, you're just jumping on a bandwagon and making someone's life hell for no reason.

Fuck off back to Mumsnet with the rest of those chicks who clearly put out.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I love it when you get all bolshy : )

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)

A bolshy Gonz is a work of art that brightens up my existence.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:47, Reply)

I think a better way would be for all b3tans to pick their favourite answer
(of their own) and send it in. You never know.....
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Aaaand click.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:46, Reply)

OH HAI GONZ
I didn't see you there
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Gonz has got a point
Whoever posted that on B3ta may have nicked it from the same person who sent it to FHM for all we know. Or it may be a little-known urban myth. I can hardly point fingers at people who make up their answers to QOTW
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:54, Reply)

You haven't got enough fingers.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Most unusual for Norfolk.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:13, Reply)

man oh man
i wish i'd stolen my story :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:14, Reply)

What I mean is.... let's say John from down the road who reads FHM _and_ b3ta, copy'n'pastes from b3ta to FHM and FHM run with it....
... are FHM supposed to run a check on every single letter that comes in? Are they supposed to know every story that is on the internet?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:18, Reply)

yeah but it's kind of a coincidence that several QOTW stories have made it in
I do think it's FHM as a whole rather than individual people doing the stealing.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Are they stories that are normally voted quite highly here? 'cus that would imply that people outside of b3ta find stories funny that people on b3ta find funny.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:54, Reply)

I dislike plagiarism!
The fact we all post here means it could be your story, or mine that was stolen. Therefore it is potentially a theft from anyone who posts. I don't like that. It's laziness on the part of FHM, its plagiarism, and it should not happen.

Equally, I am responsible for the actions of my staff. My staff do not do anything underhand as they know I would cream them. If they do do something wrong, I end up dealing with it. As Editor, Colin is responsible for his team and should manage them better. Here's an opportunity for him to realise how slack he is, and to put it right in future.

Also, I don't understand the search the whole internet comment - this isn't a point that they happened to print a story similar to one here. They've stolen it!

So go fuck yourself.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:18, Reply)

Bollocks.
You don't know it's plagerisum on behalf of FHM, it could be on behalf of one of their readers, do you expect FHM to check the entire internet and printed history of the planet? Let's say they did intentionally knick it off "us", then that's pretty shitty to not credit us, but do you see any copywrite notices anywhere? Exactly.

As for being a "Super Buisness Women" who's "Super In Charge" of "Super People" who are your "Staff", oh lol, total mumsnet comment. Do they let you sit in meetings and see the Super Secret Budget Reports too? Let's say one of your "staff" turn out to be a nonce, are you responcible for that too?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Who here want's to be part of my Offical Staff?
I'll let you see a shared Google doc spreadsheet with our Budget Report, which is for staff only, if you want to be a member of my staff.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:27, Reply)

plagiarism, surely. Also nick? And copyright? Plus responsible?
Also mate, I'm not a woman.

You don't need a copyright notice - the author retains copyright as a matter of right.

No, I wouldn't be responsible for their out of hours noncing, but I would be responsible for any of their underhand business practices. For example, plagiarism.

To be honest, as I'm in Sales I don't have anything to do with budgets. I'm not sure of why that's relevant.

You're wrong, you're a cunt, now get back to fucking your sister.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:31, Reply)

You're thinking of Bert there old bean.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:36, Reply)

In all three mentioned respects

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:39, Reply)

Yeah', 'nick', 'plaglarism', 'copyright' and 'rsponsible'.... if they're spelt wrong, can you really not work it out? Is everything on your desk aligned to right-angles?
You're making a big ho-har about nothing relivent to you to make yourself look like the big woman. If it was some tiny blog you wouldn't give a shit.

Again, how do you know that FHM aren't victims too? That someone wrote into their mag with those stories? Yet you're giving out someone's information and encuridging people to make a neusance to that person. If one of 'your staff' fucked up a deal, would you want your name branded all over the internet and slandared?

I don't even own a sister to fuck, can I borrow yours?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:53, Reply)

you're welcome to her
although she is a rug muncher
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 20 Oct 2010, 12:41, Reply)

*shrugs*
I really couldn't give a shit about anything you posted about.

In other news I have just purchased a tin of quality street for five english pounds
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

A tine?
And you forked out a fiver for it?

Edit: Ninja!
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Who moi?
*evil laugh*
I'm waiting on Monty going "quality street is shit, whaaa sweeties what are you FIVE wah wah"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Mingles FTW

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Oh I love those but they are super expensive

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:52, Reply)

One day you will be as rich as I am and you can eat them every day : )

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Or
Just move in with you WIN WIN
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:54, Reply)

NORK-OFF

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Dead heat in a Zeppelin race.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

I wasn't going to make them race
I was going to suggest one of those boxing-type weigh-ins where they measure up

But with tits
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Who's going to measure them?
I reckon as you're the one who's always trolled as a gayer, then it should be you. I'd feel more comfortable if you were doing it ; )
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

^this is one of the upsides Darth
of being constantly billed as gay
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Yep :-)
*grabs tape measure*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:10, Reply)

I thought using your hands and guestimating would be better.

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:12, Reply)

are you trying to kill the man?!

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:14, Reply)

A weigh in?
Waaaaaay-haaaaaaaaaay!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:15, Reply)

I was merely trying to be gentlemanly about this
or as gentlemanly as is possible when adjudicating a nork-off. I'm afraid my lawyers have advised me that what you said up there is a legally binding offer to grab your tits
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:34, Reply)

*volunteers*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:06, Reply)

*phones wife*

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:08, Reply)

I'm only trying to help here - sheesh!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:09, Reply)

: D
You'd wreak havoc in Tod.
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Huge plastic tubs of swizzles and stuff.
Or Haribo, obviously.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Haribo FTW!
Fizzy cheap sweets yay!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Costco for the win

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:57, Reply)

There's a seasonal version "Spooky Sweeties or summat"
for a fiver in Tesco
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:32, Reply)

*something about nommy Dairylea*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

nommy dairylea sammichs

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:59, Reply)

what's your favourite?
Everyone always jizzes over the green triangles but the caramel keg ones are where it's at.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

The caramel keg is nice
But I like the strawberry ones.

Anything that isn't the toffee penny is good.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Toffee penny FTW

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:33, Reply)

I'm a lolinternetfatty
so I nom them all equally.
I like the dark square things
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

Floor tiles?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:06, Reply)

hahaha

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:52, Reply)

I like the caramel one with the nut and the coconut ones.

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:02, Reply)

This^
And all the toffee ones
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)

What happened to the halloween spirit?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:57, Reply)

It got drunk by LiC.

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Tin of celebrations
for the same.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:57, Reply)

If I could get a tin of mingles
or failing that, those chocolate orange segments, then I would be SOLD. Quality Street and Roses have too many of those disgusting strawberry/orange cremes and the purple one with a hazelnut in it isn't as nice as it used to be.
(berk, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

You can get tins of orange segments in different varieties

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:06, Reply)

Your son's gay.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

you wish
stop third-hand grooming
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:57, Reply)

ha ha ha

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

formal notification
that i clicked "i like this".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)

cache.gawker.com/assets/images/jezebel/2010/10/whateverloser.gif
(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:10, Reply)

Have you actually got through all the gifs posted on links yet?

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:11, Reply)

That's the third, there's so many more.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:11, Reply)

I'm gazzing the mods.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:53, Reply)

Could be...
Hope not.

Again that's not the issue - the only reason it's mentioned was as a reason for a thread.

Now get back to your racist hunting!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:33, Reply)

so is he hunting the racists or hunting the blacks?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:53, Reply)

I would like to complain...
about the fact that everyone is complaining and no one seems to take responsibility for their own actions. If we keep this up we'll all turn into Americans.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 14:59, Reply)

I wish to complain about this response

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)

I wish to complain about your face

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:06, Reply)

Get in line

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Coincidentally
I just wrote a complaint to B&Q. At the weekend I bought some of their paint, got it home and picked up the 2.5 litre plastic tub. The handle of which consists of a piece of bent metal, with a free-spinning plastic 'comfort handle' in the middle. It immediately spun right out of my spakky fucking hand, landed on the floor, shattered, and pissed exactly 2.5 litres of dark grey paint all over my floor.


Sweet, fucking, jesus.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:33, Reply)