it's a bit slow on here today, where is everyone?
just when i really need help too. well, more than normal. so the real question, given that you can't answer the first if you are not here, is this:

i have to start drafting my final oxford piece, which is supposed to be a comedy play about dating. i am feeling about as inspired as a dry sponge and am therefore hoping to scrounge some truly comedy lines from you lot. has anyone had a particularly brilliant chat-up line, a desperately bad let-down line or other form of dumping (esp on a first/blind date), or otherwise got any surreal or other dating experiences? i promise to give you a cut of the royalties when the play hits broadway and the west end in 2012*.

* - play will never hit anything other than the desk or possibly bin of the examiner. percentage of royalties to be calculated by my accountant: colonel, dracula & co llp, not to exceed 0.000000001%. terms and conditions apply.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:02, 185 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Was your father a thief?
'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes

Because you look like a fucking pikey.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:04, Reply)

office lol

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:09, Reply)

I was in receipt of a rather odd one many many a year ago
A tiny girl popped up next to me at the bar and announced she was a stripper. This girl was about 4' 10" or something so when I turned round to find out who was talking I missed her as I'm 6' 1"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:05, Reply)

I read that as "pooped"

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:09, Reply)

She may have also done this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Pearoast, but I had a 50-something haggard woman approach me and say:
"I fookin' love tattoos, I got a tattoo of a strawberry on me arse, wanna add the cream?"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:07, Reply)

nice

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Perhaps she thought you were a tattoo artist and it simply needed finishing.

(Cave Duck, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:08, Reply)

This is entirely possible
And maybe her winking was a hereditary muscle twitch that she's very sensitive about thank you very much.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:10, Reply)

You promised never to tell : (

( girlinthehole, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:18, Reply)

I once sent a guy a rude picture
Reply read "omnomnomnom".
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:10, Reply)

hahahah!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:11, Reply)

Yeah, I stopped texting then.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:12, Reply)

Your profile pic of the dermals is too small
I'm thinking about getting some done, but not entirely sure where. Do they catch on your clothing?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:13, Reply)

Not much
But I accidentally pulled out the top one last week when cleaning it, you need to be careful with that.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:15, Reply)

You pulled it out?!
Fully, or just the ball?
I was thinking on my face, just in front of my tragus, but then they might interfere/rub when I wear headphones.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:18, Reply)

may I ask a stupid question?
how do they stay in? is it just like a hook?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Here you go
Read all about it
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:22, Reply)

I see, that looks a lot less intrusive than I thought.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:24, Reply)

Mine aren't like that, they're more in a T shape. They have little holes that your skin grows through to make them more secure. Sounds lovely, eh?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:25, Reply)

I had in my mind the image of a barb type affair but that looks and sounds ok.
I prefer my tattoos to peircings.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:29, Reply)

I don't have any tattoos
I like the fact that when I get bored of piercings I can take them out. I've probably had about 60 over the years, currently got 21.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:30, Reply)

I like how they are peramanent reminders of something
and I really enjoy the sensation of being tattooed. It's addictive.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:32, Reply)

I HATE the pain of being tattooed
But agree that they are addictive... currently saving for my chest piece.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:33, Reply)

I really enjoy the pain in a weird way, It's a rush.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:35, Reply)

I don't get the rush
Well, apart from the initial endorphin kick to get through the first hour or so of pain, but once that wears off it's just hurt.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Yes, I rather fear that I'd enjoy it
and end up covered from head to foot in tattoos. I don't do things in moderation, so abstaining is the only way this won't happen.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:34, Reply)

sounds like the right choice my dear
you would be covered by years end!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Haha, I totally would
which is shit because I want to get a tattoo with dermals in that I think would look really nice :(
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:42, Reply)

yeah that would be sweet, i like the ultraviolet tattoos but apparently it can be dodgy

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:47, Reply)

Yeah I was considering that too
But I very rarely visit places with UV light, so it seemed a bit shit and pointless.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:59, Reply)

carry around a UV torch so you can be all
"BOOM TATTOO!" at people when they're not expecting it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:07, Reply)

That is actually a tempting idea

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:14, Reply)

I like how they are peramanent reminders of something
+ Like the late 1990's when, for some reason, people thought it would be dead original to have a celtic band on their arm.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:37, Reply)

I'm talking from personal experience
not chav tastic fashion crazes.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:42, Reply)

like tiny little skin tentacles clutching onto it?
eewwww!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:30, Reply)

hello kitty
how are you?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:31, Reply)

s'all good cheers
how are things in Bobbyland?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:32, Reply)

brilliant thanks
I am having a great time at the mo. Any developments your end or can it not be mentioned on here?

edit (you having chompys baby and all that jazz)
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I got fired
sadface.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:35, Reply)

:( Sorry to hear that

(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:36, Reply)

*points*
*laughs*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:37, Reply)

ha, evil!
you alright?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:38, Reply)

I would put you on ignore
but you never say anything interesting anyway so it's pretty much the same.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:49, Reply)

I'm not here much anymore you'll be pleased to hear

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:52, Reply)

So sorry pal
hope you get sorted soon, just have a bloody good extended christmas.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:37, Reply)

What for??

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:37, Reply)

doing this.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:49, Reply)

b3ta?
If they didnt want you to go on it, they should block it
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Yes
And if I didn't want people to steal my things from my front garden I shouldn't put them there. It's all my fault.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:56, Reply)

*slightly different*
I think. The main board is blocked at work but QOTW, etc is available
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:58, Reply)

It's not really
I'm not trying to be mean to Kitty, but equally just because you physically can piss around on the internet all day, doesn't mean it's not a problem when you do.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:59, Reply)

I agree
tis my own fault, I know I done bad.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:02, Reply)

If you send me a booby picture I'll forgive you
and give you a reference.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:06, Reply)

haha thanks

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:06, Reply)

To Whom It May Concern
Kitty is a valued member of the team who always gives 110% and at the end of the day, when all's said and done, it's a game of two halves and to be fair to her she more than makes up for any lacking in the boob department with a sensational array of cup cakes, and arse that just won't quit and thighs that can crush a man's larynx when she's orgasming on his face.

In short, hire her now, you won't be disappointed, unless you expect her to work between the hours of 9 and 5, which is usually reserved for playing on the internet.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:12, Reply)

an arse that just won't quite WHAT?!
I think I'll tag this speech onto the end of my CV now.

Also, I took frequent breaks from the internet to get coffee, so stop being libellous!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Doh, Ninja'd

(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:22, Reply)

Won't quite fit into a standard British Airways business class seat.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:24, Reply)

At least I don't have to have the table tray down all the time
to REST MY CHINS ON
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 16:00, Reply)

by people do you mean Barry?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:01, Reply)

It's not over yet so I don't want to say anything that will make things worse, I'm pretty sure someone is still watching me
*foil hat*
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:01, Reply)

This is shit Kitty.
Bad times.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:55, Reply)

bastards
what about a reference?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:40, Reply)

no mention of it
I've discussed it with Amy this morning and she's given me lots of sexy advice
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:50, Reply)

oh good, glad she has been helpful, she'll have been sorry to hear the outcome though
they are real bastards, that is the problem with that type of firm, they know just how bastardly they can be.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Like never try and poledance when really drunk
always take the label off your underwear and if you think you're going to vomit, always take his cock out of your mouth?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:55, Reply)

You misheard
It wasn't Swipey advising me
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:03, Reply)

:(

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Afternoon
Any news?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:32, Reply)

I am an unemployed bum Al,
no presents for Tiny Tim this year.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Unemployment sucks
You could take tips from whoever it is around here who just likes stealing stuff.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:39, Reply)

That would be Barry.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Thought you were joining us on Saturday?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I was going to but my other half took me out for dinner instead
did you have fun?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Was a damn good night, aye
Was great seeing Aberaccion & other old friends again, plus meeting 2 new ones. (Bella & Woodside)
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Fully. They really are teeny tiny and you need to be careful until your skin grows through them, which takes a couple of weeks. I think I'm going to get another couple on my back and one just below my knicker line. Need money though, bah.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:21, Reply)

Yowch!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:23, Reply)

It didn't hurt
I just twisted it and one side popped out. Ran to town and got it put back in. I love my piercer.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:26, Reply)

HAHAHAHA

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:25, Reply)

Recently my friend Jake got married.
Jake has a twin brother and his wife has a twin sister. They got married too.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:12, Reply)

You live in an 80s sitcom

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:16, Reply)

With more drugs

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:25, Reply)

A 70s sitcom then!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:25, Reply)

I like this but with the caveat,
slightly better hair.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:27, Reply)

You can use the FIFA story if you want

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:13, Reply)

I don't think the audience would believe anyone could be that much of a dickhead
(him not you!)
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:29, Reply)

What about your barefoot story?
As detailed here.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:29, Reply)

It's part of the Barefoot Story
he woke me up at 6am to ask me to leave, got up and said "I'm going to go downstairs and play FIFA and pretend this never happened"

He tried to chuck me out 2 weeks later at 2am, but gave in as he was genuinely worried I'd throw myself under a bus.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:39, Reply)

God yeah I remember that now
He's a fucking cuntface wankshite.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Could have at least chosen a decent game :/

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:50, Reply)

That's why I hate him
If it had been Left4Dead I'd have highfived him.
I still hate him, Lampito, you don't deserve that from anyone
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:51, Reply)

The boy I'm kind of interested in sat me down during a break in the cricket and we played co-op Perfect Dark
It was quite enjoyable when I wasn't walking into walls.

Hmph. He was/is a dick, but I'm an idiot too, so that's ok.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:54, Reply)

You shouldn't put yourself down.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Your new flame sounds ok-ish
Cricket sucks though, srsly.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Cricket can be boring.
But it's superb at the minute.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhaha
He's been not-lovely to me, but he has his reasons- he's shy, a bit socially awkward, probably hasn't had this situation too many times before. I told myself there was no use fancying yet another person who didn't like me, then Saturday night happens and he stays up for hours just chatting with me. Urgh.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Sorry to hear about the unrequitedness of it (at the moment at least)
Cricket still sucks.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:08, Reply)

It's unrequited now, it wasn't before.
It's the usual thing of men liking me then changing their minds.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:12, Reply)

Two mongs don't make a right.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:59, Reply)

-flaps hopelessly-
How are you, Wookiee?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:03, Reply)

I am not too bad ta, although goo is pouring out of my face at a terrifying rate it has slackened off since yesterday.
Which is nice.

How is your good self?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:10, Reply)

I'm in bed. Still.
I'm not feeling tiptop but can't complain. Do you have a nasty cold or just "overflowing" from the weekend's bukkake session?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:12, Reply)

Fuck knows.
I don't think I ingested quite enough to account for all the leakage, but I could be a pint out here or there I suppose.

Are you in bed from plague, or is it just studentitis?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Oh man you live wildly
Probably unmedicated and un-assisted despair taking its toll. Or I'm just really tired after going to bed at 6.30pm.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:29, Reply)

Might I recommend getting back on your meds, then?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:45, Reply)

I like this one much more. If he likes cricket he's probably a great guy* and you should marry him.


*Unless it's Geoff Boycott.
(Cave Duck, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:03, Reply)

He also likes gin (good) and always being right (tiresome)

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Meh
he has a point against him for Charlie-Brooker-want, but if you like him all is good
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:11, Reply)

Oh, not to be exactly like him
More like "he's a white geeky man who's really funny, successful with a smoking wife. Why can't I be like that?"
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:13, Reply)

That's not so bad
However is your friend really funny and slightly charming?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Not really, and not really.
So yeah, not really.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:24, Reply)

wow
that is pretty shitty.

like a friend of mine, who is seriously ill, and they have only just given her the all-clear that it's not cancer. she was terrified and was ringing the guy she had been "casually seeing" for TWELVE MONTHS (he refused any greater form of commitment). so he was well aware of how shit scared she was.

the treatment has made her stomach swell up like a football. he has seen a pic on facebook and emailed her to say... not how are you coping, or how are you feeling, but....

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT AND IS IT MINE?

all. the. same.


( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Cunt. Cuntcuntcuntcunt
Glad your friend is ok, though. She should cut off his head and stick THAT under her top.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:02, Reply)

well, she doesn't have cancer
but she still has an operation that could kill her scheduled for january. i have never met him and i hate him.

but i am TOTALLY emailing her your comment, genius!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I'm not defending the bloke in anyway but...
If your friend puts up with this sort of behaviour, and he doesn't know he is being a cock, then things won't change.

He'll continue being as selfish as he wants and your mate will continue being his doormat.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:12, Reply)

oh no
he has a real girlfriend now.

of course she should have binned him off months ago, but she didn't, so he carried on being an arse.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Get your coat love
It's cold in my basement.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:18, Reply)

so using this.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:19, Reply)

"what's that smell like"

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:20, Reply)

When my boyfriend first told a mutual friend of ours that he fancied me,
the friend said "dude, everyone's been there".

Psychochomp thinks that's hilarious.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:26, Reply)

I'm taking this to mean that everyone had had the experience of fancying you, and nothing else.

(Cave Duck, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:27, Reply)

He meant to my house
I'm a good hostess.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Are guests greeted by you swinging round a pole proffering a tray of cup cakes?

(Cave Duck, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:35, Reply)

ha I wish!
I can't have a pole in my house, stupid false ceilings. I do have cupcakes though. And I've just worked out how to make cupcakes with a gooey liquer centre so I'm well pleased with myself.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:38, Reply)

yeah, but psychochomp also thinks he is hilarious
nobody agrees with that either.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:29, Reply)

haha
I want to make a disgusting 'down under' joke about him entertaining Poppet this weekend but I like her.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:31, Reply)

i'm not sure poppet would count that as "entertainment"

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Oh hello Kitty
Did you go to the bash this weekend?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:32, Reply)

I did not
I went for dinner with my t'other half because he's left me for the week.

By dinner I mean Chiquitos. It was surprisingly delicious and the barmaid accidentally made our drinks twice and he was driving so I got a little bit drunk for free
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:34, Reply)

You are gay

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Ok, you went, how was it?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:37, Reply)

It was really good, saw old friends, made new ones.
Thoroughly enjoyable night.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Any highlights?
No cockneck-style antics? No b3tan cop-offs?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Aye, there was cop offs, but I am not at liberty to say whom
Although I'm aware they are terribly pleased about it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:45, Reply)

they are +I am
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:46, Reply)

True!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Fair enough, I won't pry
But congrats to them/you!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:49, Reply)

I shall pass on your regards
Thank you
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:51, Reply)

I've just finished putting the photos from Saturday on my Facebook

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Replying to AA when we're talking about the mystery person he kissed at the bash
Does raise the Eyebrow of Implication.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:58, Reply)

he admitted it yesterday
slow Labs slow
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I wasn't here yesterday...
And no-one tells me anything.
Edit: Just read back through yesterday's posts, I getcha now. Still, I wasn't wrong, was I...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:04, Reply)

not like you to be this slow, labby

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:59, Reply)

are you going to put them
on the b3ta pool as well?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I don't have an account
But I'm sure someone else who has me on FB could put them up for me
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:02, Reply)

You're welcome to my account details
poppet did the same thing. It's not got anything important on it :)
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:03, Reply)

I might do it in a bit, I will gaz you when I can be bothered. I am very tired and with cold hands at the moment.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:06, Reply)

I think I've eaten in the Edinburgh one
But it was with b3tans, so meh.
Where's the fella gone? You probably want to barricade all the doors and windows now though, Chompy will be 'round in a flash.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:38, Reply)

he's on a course in Reading
ronery...I am so ronery....

Chompy's left me for a younger foreign model.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Poppet you mean?
Dry your eyes, mate.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Ian Hislop
saying Kim Jong Il was ronery was a highlight for me this week
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:41, Reply)

haha I love that man

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:51, Reply)

^this
if it's wrong, I don't want to be right
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:56, Reply)

did you see the one recently where Bob Crow was on?
Hislop ran rings round him, it was brilliant.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:05, Reply)

It was fantastic
especially the bit where he claims that obviously he eats lobster and quaffs champagne all the time, and calls Crow out on the class-assumptions he was making
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:10, Reply)

This was my absolute favourite bit ever

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:20, Reply)

:D
and correcting him on the university he went to, and claiming it was that kind of detail that the train lines had
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:35, Reply)

hahaha
some of these are great, more please!!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:31, Reply)

"you want to go to the bar? I know you're just going to get drunk anyway..."

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Quick answer: no, sorry
I've only ever really been on a couple of ‘dates’, I have never been dumped and when I have had to do it there have been zero lolz. I’ve also never chatted anyone up in my life and whilst it’s happened to me I have either not even noticed, or never heard a funny ‘line’ or indeed an unfunny one.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Bleedin hell.

( girlinthehole, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:47, Reply)

"Want to come back to mine and get white stuff all over you face?"

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:47, Reply)

hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:00, Reply)

You are just like the Fonz.
Do you just snap your fingers and the clunge comes running?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Are you me?

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:10, Reply)

I don't really have many exciting ones
most of mine are mildly disturbing rather than funny
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:41, Reply)

stick a profile up.on an internet dating site
your inbox will rapidly be full of the sleaziest come-ons imaginable.

That was my experience when I used your picture on an account at alt.com, anyway.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:52, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:54, Reply)

"convincing pre-op seeks submissive foot-fetishist..."

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:57, Reply)

ooh I've thought of one!
When I used to live in a tiny little village there was one guy who was terminally single even though he wasn't bad looking and was a nice guy. I guess just living in such a small community meant there weren't many options (and he used to live with his mum at 30). But anyway, he finally got a date and the girl seemed to really like him, but he never got another date. Eventually we got it out of him. The village was out in the styx on one side of a big fell. When this guy had driven her home, he stopped on top of the fell and jokingly said "what would you do if I made you get out of the car now and just left you?".
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:54, Reply)

I once went on a date that was so bad
That I made him come with me to Boots so I could buy tampons. I didn't even need them but he was being horribly pervy and twattish and I couldn't go home for a couple more hours.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:57, Reply)

The only story I can think of is when I coming down from taking acid and in bed with a guy I was working with.
We tentatively started kissing and things quickly moved from there except that he was dry humping me.

Afterwards I told him that it was very nice and if we could try it again some time but without our pants on.
( girlinthehole, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:59, Reply)

I know one lad who ended up in the back of a car with a girl
Things were getting hot and heavy, they go to get down to it, and as it's bloody dark, he's operating entirely on touch (whilst also being off his tits).

He finds an opening, and advances with his spam javelin, only to be stopped after a few seconds. Turns out he's missed her 'entrance' entirely, and was currently humping between her leg, and the car seat.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:02, Reply)

urban legend is legendary

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:05, Reply)

However, my friend Ian did genuinely manage to fall into a roadside ditch
when he and his girlfriend decided to move their heavy petting session into the back seat and his trousers fell down, tripping him up.
(Cave Duck, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:12, Reply)

This I can believe
my life is a bit slapstick sometimes.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:21, Reply)

You say that
but this has kind of happened to me. Not in a car though - I was drunk and he was very drunk, and it all went a bit wrong.
(berk, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:16, Reply)

my bf once failed to realise i was still wearing tights
took me about 0.05 seconds to correct him.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Did it make your toes curl?

(Cave Duck, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:24, Reply)

POTD!
Well executed, funny and simple. 10/10
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Excellent

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Didn't realise it was an urban legend
But in the case of the above, it's true!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Car sex?
A good friend had a Triumph Spitfire which wasn't really any good for back seat sex. As a result he used to have sex with his girlfriend across the seats with the passenger door open. On one such adventure they were going at it so energetically on muddy ground that the car was shunted sideways into a slight dip. The passenger door slammed shut on his legs fracturing his shin. Mobile phones were uncommon in those days so he had to drive his girlfriend home then go to hospital.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 16:07, Reply)

I was chatting to a girl once...
She was quite chuffed about the fact that everyone always guessed her age incorrectly and thought she was much younger than she actually was. So she insisted that I guess. And so obviously not wanting to ruin my chances I guessed much lower than I should have. She coo'ed about how much of a gentlemen I was and then told me her real age. I pretended that I actually gave a fuck and said she looked great for her age. I took a sip of my drink and then looked at her and asked, "So what's that in dog years?".

Apparently that's not the thing to say when you want some action. Not at all. Maybe I should have posted this as a tip?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 16:16, Reply)