I'll see your 'Ohno' and raise you a 'Sweet jesus, I am so fucked'
I walked into the triage room to comfort a patient and consent her for a D and C. She had miscarried a very wanted baby and was sobbing and babbling incoherently, unable to sign the informed consent. I was mystified until the husband said, "The anesthesiologist gave her something to relax her."

Pissed off the berk had 1) given her drugs without finding out if she had agreed to the op and 2) made her ordeal longer since now we had to wait until they wore off and 3) made things far worse for the couple by removing any coping abilities she might have had, I blurted out, "What a moron."

Guess who was standing behind me? Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

As justified as I might have been, it is absolutely NOT DONE for the nurse to question or criticise a doctor. He yanked me out in the hall and gave me the bollocking of my life. I thought I was fired.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 31 May 2005, 19:53, Reply)

HR OhNo!
I was the number 3 rep in the nation (out of about 154 reps), working for a crap company in DC. I HATED my Boss. As it happens, I had a movie shoot for a short film coming up...I told them almost 3 weeks in advance that I needed to take off 3 days. "No problem" the VP tells me.

About a week later he finds out it is for a film.

The week I am to leave? The Boss says "We’ve got the “Big Guy” in town, I cant have you leaving to go shoot a film. Honestly, I have to wonder where your head is."

Cue me leaving anyway, but only for two days because I didn’t want the Boss getting in trouble and I was able to talk the Director into rescheduling the shoot. The CEO didn’t even bother to say hello to me while he was in the office for 2 hours.

I am livid. I leave, do the shoot and then come back. That first morning back, I am at my desk, on monster.com and speaking to a friend who is the HR Manager for one of the largest law firms in DC. I basically unload on the company and end up with "…can you believe that shit? This company is Fekked!" I said...
then a tap on my shoulder, turn around...OUR HR manager is standing there and has a post-it note that says "Come see me when you are through your call." OH NO! I am busted. I mean, “planning on leaving” and being “forced out the door” are two entirely different matters. So, I grab my daily journal book, anticipating that she will be mentioning items I may want to jot down about my severance.

Her office is on the other side of the facility, so I hike the distance, my feet somehow heavier than when I walked into the office that morning. I walked to her doorway and there she was, on the phone. She motions me in: Great, I get to sit in front of her and squirm while she chats with whoever it is she is speaking to.

As it turns out? She wanted to commiserate about what a shit company we worked for! Turns out not all HR are useless twats.

No apologies for length. They deserved every inch. I left within two weeks…followed days later by two other sales reps (they only had 4 in that office) AND the HR Manager!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 31 May 2005, 19:38, Reply)

Peadophile
One day me and some friends were discussing a friend of ours going on a date with a girl. Everyone thought it was quite strange because she looked so young on her 'myspazz' profile. I ask what this girls name is and they say "lilli" i immideately tell them that the girl is 14, and blatently looks it. They all burst out in laughter and start saying 'peadophile' i take this oppotunity to text 'peadophile' to his phone. Grouping numbers is not a good idea, i send the text to his house phone, and immidately realise this.
Later on i get a phone call from a man saying, a 'american woman phoned this number...' so i put the phone down.
it was peadophiles dad (a very high up member of the police force), i phone peadophile, he shits himself and informs me his dad was going to have the call traced. Apparently he drove 3 hours home because his wife thought it was someone who had been stalking her, just to listen to the message.
(Wil0, Tue 31 May 2005, 19:06, Reply)

here's one
this question of the week sucks

wuh-oh

mousey pointer

approaching post this message button

nooooooooo

oh wait, it does suck. *click*
(dr3wrocks, Tue 31 May 2005, 19:03, Reply)

Daddy's boy!
One day while lulling around in the a beer garden I suddenly remebered an old friend I hadn't see for about a year. I thought I would do the nice thing and text him a friendly message to show I hadn't forgotten him. The text read "Hi there fucko, haven't heard from you in a while to busy fucking your dad or you decided you mum's withered fanny is worth going back to?" you know the usual polite text.
It was only four weeks later that I happened to bump into my friend and asked why he hadn't replied. As I'm sure you ahve guessed by now the bastard had got a ne phone and contract and given his old one to his Dad. needless to say I haven't been invited around for tea recently.
(Weebop, Tue 31 May 2005, 18:11, Reply)

I just finished ......
... a phone call with the boss by using the line "cheers big ears"........ yes he does look like the FA Cup, and i'm now trying to curl into the smallest human ball posible. DOH!
(Bob Catshit, Tue 31 May 2005, 17:31, Reply)

lost my job by not sending an email...
...i hated it anyway, so after a particularly bad day i wrote an email to my mate along the lines of: the boss is a psycho cunt bitch whore but i'll check out what's available on the market and will just resign as soon as i got a new job. as you do.

sudden urge for a slash i leave my desk only to see on coming back that psycho bitch whore cunt is sitting at my desk and working on my pc.

she had had read it but did not mention it. so i went to the board room and handed in my notice verbally.

the new job is heaven - compared to the old one. so it's cool...
( bierbelly, Tue 31 May 2005, 16:59, Reply)

Filthy Coffee
A few years ago I heard from an extremely good source about one of the healthcare practices of a minor celebrity.
They were apparently an afficionado of the "coffee enema". You brew real coffee , let it cool down and give yourself an enema with it. I must say the caffeine rush must be magnificent.

So, with my curiosity piqued I did a Google search for this and found a page of fairly amusing text about how good coffee enemas were. It was a funny article - very clean & innocent, convincingly sincere.

Anyway, I was discussing this amusing practice with a client I sometimes worked with. She wasn't totally convinced, so I suggested we look it up on t'internet.
Couldn't fully remember the URL - only the website that held it - Something ".ws"

I load up the homepage on her very slow browser and bit by bit reveal a great quality photo of a nude woman in a little bit of bondage gear shitting on some bloke's chest.

So embarrassed, thankfully didn't get the sack tho
(36poison, Tue 31 May 2005, 16:20, Reply)

Habbi - a reply
I find to stop charity workers hounding me on the street i just say i havnt got my bank details - if im feeling nice. otherwise i say sod off
(weefreemen102, Tue 31 May 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Again...
Reading this (i have it on all the time at work in the back ground) all day has been sending subliminal messages- jus sent email to ex that wasnt meant for her pretty lil eyes at all- oh well- quickly sent her my 'excuse' and so far its not resulted in my death by email/text abuse YAY!!

Not going to apologise for length as it was all the doctors fault- he really shouldnt operate with vibration White Finger
(Keyser Soze, Tue 31 May 2005, 15:52, Reply)

You love it...
I sent sexually explicit emails and text messages to your mum by mistake.

Didn't really bother me, as we were bang at it a couple of hours later.

Length and girth? She loved them both.
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Tue 31 May 2005, 15:45, Reply)

This is soooo getting deleted, it's not funny
Seeing as Sahar Habibi is touting for work, I'm going to break all the rules and submit for an old question - 'Claims to fame'.
I used to work at the BBC and have several:

1/ I once delivered a glut of Valentine's cards to Jill Dando. She said 'Ooh, are they all from you?' but because she was tall, voluptuous and famous, I just fidgeted and wittly replied 'No'. People still ask me if she ever "really, really annoyed me".

2/ Terry Wogan is about 8'10"

3/ On the phone to my then girlfriend at BBC Elstree, I excitedly told her that the Tesco's opposite was 24 hours. Barbara Windsor then walked past and said "That's interesting" and got in my lift.

4/ James Callis from Soldier Soldier and the gay bloke from Bridget Jones is a true gent. I dropped a script off at his house and he invited me in for a coffee but I was running late. Still owes me a pint though.

5/ One of the ginger soldiers on Soldier Soldier was a complete twunt. My script delivering was met with a glare, a snatched movement, a grunt and a door slam.

6/ I was hammered at a bar when Stephen Fry, recently returned to the UK after his slight wobbly spell, walked into the gents as I was leaving. My slurred 'Alright, Steve?' was met with an insecure Melchettian 'Beeeh."

7/ Another toilet theme. My mate Jamie and I sojourned to the toilet for a chat n'slash. In between us was Chris Barrie from Red Dwarf with his cock out. We stood either side of him and continued to banter. Rimmer laughed to himself, which was nice.

8/ The two Shit-Enders Di Marco brothers were in the bar once, where my friend knew the nice one. The brother with the croaky voice and stupid facial hair did what he did best, pouted and furrowed his brow at no-one in particular, whereas Marc Bannerman was charming and gave me his number to pass on to my mate when she had her phone to hand. Which was odd.

9/ Rolf Harris once winked at me.

10/ I chatted to Kate Humble when she was a researcher for Holiday and she mentioned her mother-in-law. It took several minutes for the devastating revelation that she was actually married to sink in.

11/ Annie Robinson got in a lift with me. "What floor?" I said. "Four", she replied.

12/ I once shook the hand of Tom Chemical Brothers after he came out of the WC in a Soho pub. I was reliably informed that he didn't wash his hands beforehand.

13/ I bought some ex-Big Brother girl a drink in a gay bar. She was loving the attention. I'm not even gay.

I'm stopping this now.
(Boris Webshite, Tue 31 May 2005, 15:39, Reply)

text fun
Not sure if this counts cos it wasn’t 100% accidental…

Bestmate1 gets a new girlfriend, seems happy enough. Whilst out drinking, bestmate2 wants new girlfriends number to send stoopid drunk messages. I didn’t want to screw over bestmate1, but also knowing how bestmate2 is very persistent, I decided to give him a random number from my phone book. Bestmate2 saves number to his phone with new girlfriends name on it. Bestmate2 has a few more shots and forgets about it.

Next day chilling out in a café, bestmate 2 remembers, not wanting to screw over bestmate1, decides to send him the number as a text just so he knows he could have screwed him over.

Seemingly unimportant fact 1: bestmate2 has crap lg phone, when you send a number as a text, it doesn’t say where it came from

Seemingly unimportant fact 2: new girlfriends phone had recently died, so bestfreind1 knew (yet we didn’t) that new girlfriend was getting a new one.

Text shows up with a phone number and newgirlfrinds name, so he proceeds to send suitably gushy confessions of his love…

Gets really weird message in return…

Seemingly unimportant fact 3: the number I chose at random whilst drunk was a friend of mine who is rather gay, and rather partial to best friend1….

Awkwardness ensues.
(bombergus, Tue 31 May 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Close to a heart attack
About two years ago my counterpart in a different regional office had emailed the HR boss (cock) at HQ asking him to consider making us excempt from the payfreeze, as we were qualified professionals on £10k per year who had recently had our workloads and responsibilities tripled. Head office was advertising front door receptionists on a higher wage that us news reporters were getting.
The HR boss replied to my mate with a fobb off saying, "yours, along with the circumstances of all others in this company will be considered".
Cock!
Well, my mate forwarded the response to me, and disgusted with it, I replied to my mate saying: "What a fucking arse! He might as well have fucking shat on your desk. Fuck him! I emailed him last week about this, and now I'm going to give the weegie cunt another push!"
As you will have guessed, the programme replied to the original mail, rather than the person who had forwarded it to me, and the Onosecond came instantly - lasting for a good ten seconds of uncertanty until I checked email records to see that it had indeed gone right to the HR cock.
First instinct was to phone him and grovel, pannicking even further when I got only voicemail. Ok, I thought, there's a good chance he's out to lunch. He was miles away in HQ, so no chance of deleting it from his desk.
I knew I was fucked.
Pannick - I phoned up my mate and blurbled a stream of words in the wrong order, which he thought was a joke, and refused to believe I'd just sent the mail to The Cock. Eventually he told me how to retract the mail, which only works on internal emails. To this day, I'll never know if he read it or not before I managed to retract it.
No payrise for me though . . . . . .
(Barry Subchimp, Tue 31 May 2005, 15:06, Reply)

first week or two of work
emailed around the "office roulette" flash game without realising what the forfeit was. cue accountant, salesman and support engineer rather surprised at a shot of goatse......
(spankywerx, Tue 31 May 2005, 15:04, Reply)

God damn new mobile phones....................
I decided to be clever with my address book and put my girlfriend's home and mobile number under one name with the hope that it would make my life a small amount easier.

One nite out with my mates, I decided to do the boyfriend thing and give her a call, only to be greeted with a mans voice.

me "err, who's this?"
man "who's calling please?"

Me being the protective kind of person, and a few pints aside, come to the conclusion that my lady must have had her mobile stolen.

me "who the FUCK is this?"
man "excuse me, who is this?"
me "what the FUCK are you doing with this phone?"
man "erm, I'm going to call the police if you continue?"

Realising that something wasn't right, I pull the phone away from my ear and stare in disbelief at my girlfriends parents phone number on my phone display.

They never found out and the secret will die with me.

No appoligies for height or width, cubed.
(Balron doesn't care how big his photos are, Tue 31 May 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Looking for creative and petty tactics...
As mentioned in a previous post, Im working for a reporter at the New York Times who is writing a book on creative ways of dealing with life´s little annoyances. We are looking, ideally, for sustained tactics more than single experiences that people have had with these frustrations, something that you have done regularly in these situations.

Here is a list of the things we are looking for. If anyone has creative or funny tactics, please send them to me at [email protected].

--Dealing with the computer voicemail lady, that after I'm done leaving my (now only 6 second)message, I can just hang up or press 0 for more options and I should press 5 to leave a callback number. Sure, it's only a short second that she pauses you before hanging up. But still, this post-message recording is really tedious. Whats to be done in the face of this annoyance?

--Has anyone taken to using a spoof disclaimer at the bottom of their emails in mockery of the annoying and ridiculously litigious trend of closing each email with some confidentiality language. Has anyone developed any other particular tactic for reacting to those disclaimers?

--Has anyone invented an anti-ringtone to make the point that they despise those cutesy ringtones. Maybe it just says "I hate cutesy ringtones" whenever someone calls. Or perhaps they have thought of some other tactic for dealing with this annoyance.

--Has anyone ever gone to extreme lengths - like, say, sending a virus or pulling the fire alarm - after having mistakenly sent an email to exactly the person you did not want to read it.

--Dealing with pushy salespeople who ask every 2 minutes whether you want help. Sure, there are probably a fair number of one-liners. But we'd be interested in something more sustained or creative.

--Dealing with charity muggers that are always prowling the streets asking for your bank details. Does anyone have a low grade tactic like keeping thier own petition on them at all times so that when they are asked by someone else for a signature they can whip it out and ask for the same in return? What about stores that ask for charity at the counter, especially during Christmas time, are there any sustained tactics for dealing with that?

--ATM fees are the worst. Other than getting money from machines that dont charge - has anyone developed some passive aggressive way of dealing with these charges? Some people get back at their bank by throwing away the stack of deposit slips every time they go inside. Irrational? sure. But interesting nonetheless.

--Calling a company support telephone number that was the only "help" you could find after 15 minutes on their website... only to get a recording suggesting you go to the company website for help with your questions. Anyone who has found a way to cut this Gordian knot?
(Habibi, Tue 31 May 2005, 14:57, Reply)

How dull
I was sent an email from a boss once, which I then forwarded to a workmate with the words 'what a cunt'.

Should've really removed the boss's name first.

Luckily, I just nipped into his room - he wasn't there - so I deleted it from his system and forgot about it.

God, that's boring. Sorry for wasting your time.
(Boris Webshite, Tue 31 May 2005, 14:46, Reply)

email forwarding - terrible
I had been working at a customer site doing some software changes. I'd had a lot of arseing about to do because their resident mexican code-monkey had made some horrific code changes - downright dangerous ones. So later in the week I emailed my boss to tell him my displeasure at this fools efforts. My boss anwered. The email forwarding to my account at the customer site was still active.

The mexican code-monkey was using my login to compile something.

He called me five minutes later asking for an explanation of my profanity regarding his sub-standard ability. Ooooopsss......
(schminkypinky, Tue 31 May 2005, 14:45, Reply)

Not sure - you decide.
I had a really busy and lousy shift and was head down engrossed in writing out an ambulance case report at the hospital.
My male work partner was seated at the same table waiting for me for finish. For some reason I started thinking of the image of a rather attractive female colleagues ass that was bobbing to and fro whilst doing practice CPR earlier. Very cute indeed.

So to break the tension of a heavy shift I say to my partner without looking up "You know who's got the best ass at work?"
A dainty voice replies "No".
It was the bearer of the cute ass herself. I felt a bit embaressed but she then says "So who has got the best hours then?"
Relieved at being misheard I quickly replied "Oh those 9 to 5 office girls".
With a cheeky grin on her face she replied "Yeah but look at how fat their asses get from sitting around all day".

I'm still not sure...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 31 May 2005, 13:36, Reply)

Loose thumbs lose chums
A friend of mine is in the forces and only comes back up to see us every couple of months or so. Anyway, whilst on a visit he got chatting to a girl we all know and they exchanged numbers,texting each other very regularly.
During this time he managed to send a few choice messages, (including what he had and where he was going to stuff it,)to both his mum and dad.
Worse than that though, when he did get home he promptly shagged his new bird. Next morning he was feeling justifiably jubilant, and sent a message to a friend saying " Had my first ride in ages, she was a filthy little tart etc. etc.".....Naturally he was somwhat surprised when his new lass replied " I don't think that was meant for me. Fuck off out of it"
(Last Night a DJ Shaved My Wife, Tue 31 May 2005, 13:27, Reply)

A few months back
in the Bullring in Brum, was with my best mate and saw a shop called 'Eisenigger'. Confused what this shop was, i proceeded to say, in a louder voice than i thought it would be, 'I's a nigger?!' and then realised i was in the centre of Birmingham, on a saturday afternoon, surrounded by afro-carribean and indian kids going around in gangs and looking very frightening. Needless to say i got out of there so quick, all they would have seen is a big ginger blur (well, a 5 foot 5 ginger blur)

Needless to say, all of my sixth form mates found out and i will probably get ribbed for it for the rest of my life
( Bobson I who milks the milkmen?, Tue 31 May 2005, 13:20, Reply)

boobs
I spend a lot of time working away from the wife. She sends me MMS pictures of my son and herself to me daily - you know, kiddy with new toy, her with new hairdo. Occasionally she'll send me a boobie pic - just to keep me on my toes etc....

So anyways, i'm chatting to my brother, and decide to send him a pic of the lad...his response, and my onosecond moment: "He must be a fat lad feeding off of those mate, nice norks!"
(phazey, Tue 31 May 2005, 12:51, Reply)

boring but terrifying
i had spent 18 hours out of every 24 for the last few weeks slaving away on a highly confidential document relating to the potential floating of a company on the stock exchange. all done except that the names of the company and all its products and employees had to be changed to blobs.

then a colleague asked me to send it to him as he had a new job in to do the same thing and wanted a skeleton. "cue" me emailing it to the first richard that popped into the address bar [bloody menace that so-called time saving device of evil, should be illegal]. i saw it go to the wrong richard but was too late to do anything about it. the "oh nooooooooo" moment was horrendous.

with every drop of blood draining somewhere and thinking about stapling my ass closed, i turned to my roommate and asked him what to do. i really thought it could not get any worse. until he asked me who this "wrong richard" actually was and i checked the address.

oh yes. i'd only sent the full details of the float to a bloody stockbroking firm....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 31 May 2005, 12:35, Reply)

Mediaslut, please get in touch..
Yours is a brilliant revenge story. If its true, please get in touch with me at [email protected] if you want to be interviewed for revenge book. (see post below)
(Habibi, Tue 31 May 2005, 11:58, Reply)

Not me, but...
Some guy I used to know sent an SMS to his boyfriend saying "I'm horny and I want to suck your cock". But it ended up being sent to his dad.
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Tue 31 May 2005, 11:40, Reply)

Onosecond
Last summer I was on holiday with family in France. having a thoroughly splendid time and forgot to book my return ticket (family staying out for some time etc). The day before my due return I tried to book a ticket and found that the next reasonably available ticket was in a few days. Faced with either paying a huge amount of money to get back to a job that sucks or stay fro a few days longer I texted my boss to ask him if I could have a few more days off. A bit of a long shot but, I thought, worth the try. Imagine my surprise when I received a text response saying something along the lines of "Glad you're enjoying yourself. Take a few more days with pleasure. Why don't you get back for next Monday?". I texted back my gratitude and switched my phone off going back to the pool for the next week.
Imagine my surprise when I was greeted at work the following Monday with the biggest bollocking of my life (and I've had a few). After much confusion it transpired that in entering the whole number I had miss dialled it and my text had been sent to a complete stranger who had clearly only been too delighted to assist. Notwithstanding my absolute innocence I was given a written warning and docked substantial amounts of pay.
Revenge, however, is sweet. I retrieved the number from my phone and rang it intending to bollock the comedian on the other end. It was answered by a bloke who clearly had a business so I asked him if this was the only number for his business; it was. Ha ha. As I work for a telemarketing organisation, I set the power dialler to ring the number whenever it was idle (about every 15 seconds). It was only after three days that the number began coming up as unobtainable and has remained so. Imagine his surprise when, as a result of his little gag, he has had to change all his customers contact details not to mention how much lost business he has had as a result of his phone being out of order!
(Mediaslut, Tue 31 May 2005, 11:35, Reply)