AO Maths
Being relatively bright in my yoof, I did maths GCSE a year early, then did something called Maths additional O-Level (or AO Maths). Was completely out of my depth from day one. Simultaneous equations. Mechanics. Woosh, straight over my head. Fortunately for me at the time my maths teacher was the laziest fat bastard I've ever met (we saw him teaching his kid to ride a bike on the playing field once, the kid was riding around and he was following him in his car). So instead of marking our work he made us mark our own (didn't even have to swap work! What a twat). So I just copied down what he said, then worked backwards from that so it looked like i'd worked it out. This worked for the whole year but backfired spectacularly come exam time. I did what I could do in about 30 minutes, got bored etc. One of the questions was to do with how far a ball had travelled when thrown, so I wrote an essay about did that mean distance relative to the ground, or distance of the arc actually through the air? That filled another 30 mins. So the remainder of the time I coloured in a whole sheet of A4 paper (both sides) with solid black biro.

As it turned out I passed.
(he who walks, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 17:28, Reply)

party and allotments.......
My mate used to have wild parties at his house when his folks were away, and his garden backed onto an allotment, I'd be about 16 and was monged off my face on white wine and lager,I'd already pulled one girl who'd left early and then i proceeded to get off with the girl my mate had just been getting off with. One thing led to another and we end up in the allotment and i realise I'm about to lose the V plates,but at this point I'm seeing double and can't walk never mind do anything else, somehow we managed the act and snuck back to the house, where we were greeted to a round of applause.Some of my more sober mates had spotted what was happening and watched us, the foreplay apparently consisted of 10 minutes of me asking, 'Is it in yet?' out of my depth??? just slightly.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Tue 19 Oct 2004, 17:17, Reply)

Beautiful music
Upon deciding that classical music, fireworks and a great night view of London would make for the ideal environment in which to drop acid, myself and a couple of close friends arrived at a large classical concert on Hampstead Heath, totally off our tits on some of the strongest acid we've ever managed to get hold of.

The area was absolutely packed, and we had to sit by the path as we giggled and whispered to each other about the music and the swirly trees. It wasn't until my mate suddenly and violently vomited on the normal people in front of us that it occurred to me that taking acid among thousands of normal people and their children might be somewhat cheeky.

Half an hour later, having been kicked out of a cab, we were all covered in vomit, completely clueless as to where we were or how we were getting home, and far too fucked to read a bus timetable. When I finally got us all home, I felt like such a hero that I nearly hit on my good mate's bird on the grounds that I deserved her, and besides, I could probably take him in a fight (neanderthal acid thinking).

First post, apologies for girth.
( wangmaster2000, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 16:39, Reply)

Keeping myself composed
The other day in English, we were watching a really boring video on WWI, and I was pretty much yawning my arse off. until we got to the songs and the poetry. I was getting somewhat worked up and sad. and then the video said "and now the poem "Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori" will be read...

this is such a poignant poem :( surely I was going to let out a little tear and be laughed at.

"By the actor Brian Blessed"

"BENT DOUBLE LIKE OLD BEGGARS UNDER SACKS"

In full bellowed overacting mode

well needless to say I didn't cry. I laughed. my ass off. while everyone looked at me funny. I tried to hold my nose and squeeze my lips together but then he got to "GASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

he said it like that, with a really long Shouted snake noise for the S. I think the laugh actually FORCED my fingers to let go of my nose and I made a really stupid hysterical nasal squeaking laugh. here I was crying my eyes out with laughter during a poem that usually makes me uber depressed with the class thinking i'm some sort of fucking lunatic.
(Slyph, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 16:35, Reply)

I breifly went out with... well.. a man-eater. That's probably the right word.
She absolutely fucking terrified me, I barely said a word to her over the entirely traumatising week. Needless to say, five days later and dumped was I!

I went home to my teddy-bears and dolls.
( stevierar, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 16:22, Reply)

it's a Miracle...
Way back in the 80's my first real girlfriend had convinced me to go to bible study class with her on Wednesday nights. I happily agreed, thinking that I could just hide the fact that I was a total atheist.

My plan worked until one night we watched a video of the "Lady of Medujorge" and all of the pilgrims who had traveled to Yugoslavia to experience this "miracle".

After it was over, instinctively I blurted out "What a load of crap". I then realized that everyone else in the room had been moved and affected by the video in a different way than I had. My remark was met with cold stares.

I was politely, but firmly asked never to come back.
(local_weather rarely posts anything, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 16:06, Reply)

Job Interview
I recently applied for a job, where part of the application process consisted of an on-line numerical reasoning test. Now I'm not the worlds greatest mathematician (understated !)so I happen to enlist the help of a number crunching Guru I sit next to at work. Success followed ! I was invited to the second part of the interview, where we were all congratulated on our performance - it was apparently a VERY hard test. Now, just to make sure we hadn't cheated, the first part of the interview consisted of some more numeric reasoning. By this time I felt sick, I was beginning to sweat profusely and could feel myself going Royal Mail Red. The *shame* as I headed for the door was almost unbearable - I can still hear the smug arseholes laughing now !
(Murphysbone, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 15:37, Reply)

Anaemia?
My course at (generic Midlands) University is English and French, 3 boys, 22 girls. While this has its obvious upsides (of which I take regular advantage) it has the downside that half are boring sods who stay at home and give you odd looks when you Stella-talk to them in the union.

Was sending an e-mail to someone on the course - a 'non-amaemic' - as a reply to one of their mass e-mails to everyone on the group. They had suggested a group meeting at a club or something, and I was saying back something like 'how many anaemics do you think will turn up?'

I think I realised that I'd hit 'reply all' instead of 'reply' about four milliseconds before my mouse button clicked 'send'.

And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that sinking feeling still makes me criiiiiiiinge.....
(unholysmoke, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 15:03, Reply)

Another one before Im off........ recent holiday competition in cheesy club for Miss *enter holiday company here* was strictly over 18s and prize was bottle of champagne so me having just turned 18 decides free booze what the hell. First round chat up random man from audience I couldnt speak for laughing and my mind went totally blank. Got to round 2 some how and had to dance round a bloody handbag!! Now I dont dance so stood there and occasinaly waved my hands like a tard. Got to round 3 and had to get a mans shirt out of the audience, managed that easily but when it came to round 4 and the trousers I sat down Id suffered enough. Worst thing is 200 miles from home and there were people from a local town (where many of my mates come from) there laughing at me....... i must have been the talk of that town for weeks.
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 14:52, Reply)

Uni Days
My mates and I were on lunch one glorious thursday, so we decided to smoke some weed to make the afternoon lectures 'interesting'. After lunch was construction technology, over 100 students and one very sarcastic lecturer. Lecturer asks my mate a question (e.g. whats a floor joist hanger?), i told my mate the answer was 3, mate looks like a prat and i find myself with the giggles, I was promptly thrown out with looks of disgust from my fellow students. Wankers!
(graemesdog, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 14:33, Reply)

postmans knockers - im such a tit
A normal saturday night out started with amusement of the house opposite being 'liberated' by gangs of teenagers attending their first party.

We went out, stumled across someone with some poppers (we were just pissed) did most of the bottle between 6 of us and had to go home for a smoke. Pronto.

Retunring home and seeing no life from across the road we decided to take it in turns playing postmans knock... and I in my popper enduced state of genius thought it cunning to go first, calculating that the time for a teenager to get out of bed and down the stairs was equivilent to a drunken misfit getting across the road and into his house.

I was wrong.

Firstly, these kids were not upstaris but in their lounge, 2 foot from the front door, watching me, giggling, by their door, pushing the door bell and turning to my mates with my thumb up.

Secondly my "friends" locked the front door, and opened my window so I could hear their fits of laughter at their own utter hilarity from across the ST.

I staggered across the road, zig zagging my way back into my door, bounced back - looking like ram man from he-man - and hid behind a random car.

Alas they had seen all of my cunningness and about 10 of them rounded the car on either side shouting abuse at me as my smile was rapidly being replaced by confusion... (How could I be out smarted by teenagers??)

They stood firing questions at me - "Who the **** are U / Wha' you doin you stupid penis" etc, while I could hear my friends laughter rise an octive.

Only partial redemtion was achieved when these pesky kids insisted on leaning against MY doorbell in revenge, not realising I was living with my dad at the time, who emerged fat and ugly from the door and shouting WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING IN HERE THEN, EH!

they scattered
My friends stood, red faced, holding in their laughter as my dad proceeded to bollock me in front of them.
Humiliating.
(killing time..., Tue 19 Oct 2004, 13:53, Reply)

maths as-level
Last year i was faced with the biggest decision Id ever had to make.... choosing my A-levels. Now having miraculously got decent GCSE's after no revison I foolishly believed I was clever and that A-levels would be a walk in the park. Chose maths for some weird reason and from day one I was so far outta my depth it was untrue!!! Even the adding and subtracting was difficult!! It comes to coursework I leave it till the final deadline of the extension of the extension and finally panic!!! Get a mate whos on maths course at uni to 'explain' the work to me via MSN which I copy and pasted and handed in as my final piece complete with her MSN name puncuating some of the sentences!!! I deserved my 'U' I think......
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 13:48, Reply)

Oh, and...
There was the time when I had to look after a group of about 10 Russian kids (since I was about 10 we've had a Belarussian orphan stay with us for a month every year). At 16 and with no grasp of the russian language, I decided it would be good to try and ask them what they wanted to eat using hand gestures and crude drawings. As I began they went into fits of hysterics. Ok, my drawing wasn't that great, but there's nothing more humiliating than 10 Russian kids, a good 3 years younger than you, laughing and pointing in your general direction. I wasn't amused and stormed off. They trashed the house. I got a bollocking. They got ice cream. Still, they're orphans, so I can't be angry with them.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 13:48, Reply)

A-level zoology practical
In the bad old days, this included the dissection of something dead, always a vertebrate as a look at the past papers revealed.
No, not our year.
There waiting for me in a waxed tin thing was an earthworm or Lumbricus terrestris to be precise. It hadn't even crossed my mind to revise it although I had the dogfish, rat and mouse inside out - literally.
For the uninitiated, there is a right and a wrong way to cut open an earthworm. I chose to do it the wrong way, making the incision on the "top".
What to do? I stuffed the late oligochaet into my lab coat pocket, I managed to swipe a spare one, cut it open correctly and tried to name as many of the bits inside I could remember.
Yes. I can confess after 28 years. I cheated.
(Doctor Evil, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 13:41, Reply)

out of my depth? i wasn't even in the same pool.
Decided to try out for the hurdles at school. Mainly because nobody else would do it and partly because I was a cocky shite. I won by default and became the number 1 hurdler in the school. So they let me try out for the county.

3 lads. 110 metres. 9 hurdles. On your marks. Get set.

Go.

I've never been so utterly humiliated in my life. I looked like Christopher Reeve (after he died) in comparison to the two other superhuman athletes they had pitted me against.

My teacher (Mr. Walker - hands permanently down trousers as PE teachers are wont to do) was nice about it. He said, "Never mind, at least you came third in the county."

I took heart from this until a few weeks later when I was talking about it with some mates and he walked over. I said, "Yeah, I came third in the county", feeling all impressed with myself and expecting him to back me up. Then he piped up with "No you didn't, you came last. By miles. You cunt." Well, he didnt say the cunt bit, but it was implied.

I hated him after that.

Burned his house down and murdered his hamster*
*may be lies
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 13:31, Reply)

i got drunk on the weekend
at my boyfriend's nephew's christening ( i don't drink much, one glass of white did it).

I was discussing weight loss and gain with boyfriend's sister and his (frankly terrifyingly prudish) mother.

I let slip that the reason for my two stone in two weeks gain last year was due to my going on the pill.

Before remembering that knowing my boyfriend was sexually active was the exact reason his mother threw him out of the house when he was seventeen.

Gah. Just kept talking as if i didn't care, think i bluffed it but haven't dared admit it to the other half yet....His sister guffawing into er beer didn't help
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 12:07, Reply)

English GCSE
During the final year of English, we had to do 3 presentations in front of the class, for which we would be marked on. These would be added up, then used to influence our GCSE result. I felt so ridiculously out of depth by the prospect, I faked illness on all 3 occasions, getting a day off each time.

So I wait and I wait, until results day comes around, and I got a 'C' for the presentations! More proof teachers just make it up.
( Theoban What of it, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 12:04, Reply)

Not me
but this guy i know, lets call him God, because thats his name.

Well this God guy got out of his depth when he created the world.
(ben_1903 www.crackout.tk, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 12:02, Reply)

In. Too. Deep.
Imagine the scene. JimBob's a first year at uni. He's not much of a weed smoker but, "hey everyone else is doing it!" I'd managed to go a good couple of months into my first term shirking away from it, mainly through the fear of ending up like Zammo after my first toke, but the opportunity finally arose.

A female friend from halls had one of her supremely hot mates come up and visit her for the weekend, at the same time her stoner boyfriend decided to come and hang out.

Now obviously, I wanted to get a piece of the hot mate, so my twisted logic told me that she would be mightily impressed if I smoked a joint in front of her. She'd think "Wow, he's dangerous, "I'd best do it with him" At least that's what I thought.

Less than half a dozen massive tokes, JimBob starts to flip out. I'm slurring at her how much I fancy her, before I get that rising feeling in my tummy. I forcibly shove her off the bed we're sitting on to spew in the hall, then crawling part way towards my room where I ended up laying, shivering until the following morning.

I don't smoke much weed these days. Or talk to many girls.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 11:15, Reply)

Aaaahh...GCSE's!
An hour before French exam (which seems to be a common theme), friends decided some intake of illegal substances would be a laugh, bowing to peer pressure I joined in.COuntless bongs later, we sat in the exam off our tits.
One friend just rocked through out the exam whilst spitting on the geeky kid in front,another ripped his pen apart, covered his hand in ink and proceeded to draw hand shapes on the paper, whilst I decided I would actually attempt the test. Nobodies knows how I got an A, but might be to with the fact our flamboyantly gay teacher loved my tiny schoolboy arse!...but I prefer to think it was the drugs sharpening my mind.
(First post!Woooo!)
(Cider_Bob, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 10:25, Reply)

A couple of years back
I was out drinking with a bunch of guys who were all various ex-militairy types from South Africa; Hard as fucking nails and good fun to go out with. Apparently there is some emnity between special forces across the world and whilst hanging out in a bar in herts we encountered some local militairy types. Words were exchanged after a few too many drinks and the next thing I know people are shouting, hurling chairs and striking fighting poses. I, for one, have got pritty much fuck all to do with the militairy and tried to disappear into the background as blood was spilled and bones were broken.

Scared? Fucking too right.
( Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 10:21, Reply)

I was never the biggest kid in school
I’d like to say that for what I lacked in size I made up for in moral outrage, but my experiences have led me to believe moral outrage is a BAD THING. Once, when all the other kids had grown up and me and a few mates were still children (not sure if anything’s changed 10 years on) we were in the school canteen and my mate decided to throw a pea at me. I naturally was compelled to throw one back and things began to escalate. Our ballistic proliferation was quickly brought to a halt, however, when my mate’s aim strayed and a pea in tomato ketchup hit the guy next to me. Never good, this was made worse by the fact he happened to be one of the biggest kids in school, and a psycho to boot. He was not amused. My mate was safe, being across the table and a few seats down. The psycho decided that fair would be to wipe his ketchup-covered tie on my uniform. I got up to leave, and then that bloody moral outrage kicked in. That’s when I tipped my entire tray of food- curry, rice, and peas, into said psycho’s lap. I didn’t stop for a reaction and, honestly, I calmly walked off- I think I’d gone into pre-traumatic shock. I went back to the common room, where, somehow it had already become common knowledge and people kept coming up to ask about it. I just felt a bit sick. Sure enough, Psycho stormed in a few minutes later and I got my pasting. Funny thing was, moral outrage still hadn’t f##ked me over enough, and instead of ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘Have some money’, all that could come out of my mouth was ‘You’re a f##king Neanderthal’ over and over again, which did nothing to curtail the beating. I think bewilderment was what saved me. The guy didn’t know what to make of the streak of pi$$ that wouldn’t shut up. Sort of like a early, completely uncool version of fightclub.
Apologies for Length – First Post.
(Scoobs, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 10:07, Reply)

henley qualifiers - a time trial type race
for those unlucky enough not to be preselected for the royal regatta but reckon they have a chance of being in the top ten or so, therefore getting at least one race.

im sitting behind temple island waiting for the start of the mens quad sculls surrounded by large bemuscled men who all look better than me.

which is not really surprising, as i had only given my 30 a day habit up for about a month and i hadnt rowed in a race since i was abount 15 - some 9 years previously.

2127 metres is a long fucking way. especialy when your so fucked you look like a mong by the barrier - about a quarter of the way in.
(magictorch, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 8:03, Reply)

Oh,
...and then there was the time I tried out for the school football team in the first week of the first year of "big" school :D

I didn't want be in the team. I don't even like football. I didn't even know what position to put down. "Right Wing" sounded cool. However, what I do like is girls. Girls like boys who play football. I am good logic boy :D

No.

Because when I don't like something, I either don't do it or do it as half-arsed as is physically possible.
I touched the ball once. I didn't even make it to half time before the PE teacher (all bastards) said "I think we've seen enough. Why don't you get changed?"
Suffice to say I didn't get laid off of it :(

(Did off the cross-country run, though :D)
(28:06:42:12, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 22:55, Reply)

Interview
I'm about 16, and I figure maybe it's time I get a job, get some spare cash going. I see an add: New retail store opening in town, seeks part time employees.
So I go along, a 16 year old boy with a CV hand written (in pencil, as I remember) about half a page long, to the interview.

For a girl's high fashion clothing shop (Mango, for those that know it).

If I need to remind you again, I am at this point a 16 YEAR OLD BOY, faced by two twenty-something female interviewers with long blonde hair, pearly white teeth, tight pink tops, and big ole' racks like twin zeppelins trying to get out the same hangar.
I remember they were smiling a lot, and spoke to me very nicely (though it may have been patronizingly, what I haven't blocked out is probably badly distorted).
I'm not sure exactly what happened during the interview, as I've blocked most of it out, but I know it took three months to get my rejection letter.
(28:06:42:12, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 22:40, Reply)

dont do drugs (sometimes)
i was running around completely hyper off this stuff i couldnt pronounce the name of (dodgy eh?) and about 4 cans of stella. When it suddenly occured to me that the only thing i wanted to do right then was to play battlefield 1942. So i ran up to my friends and shouted "LETS PLAY BATTLEFIELD" then my vision stabilised and i realised i had just shouted that to a bunch of uni students who then looked at me in utter ashtonishment and my mates where in the other direction which meant i had been booning around for 10 minutes right next to these uni students with my mates whatching from a-far in hysterics.

i was totally out of my depth.
(oddjob306, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 22:03, Reply)

scariest moment of my life...
Spent all two years of my English GCSE course doing absolutely bugger all preparation for coursework etc.

Got to the spoken assignment, kept putting it off for weeks, intended to take the day off. Sadly I have no sense of time and totally forgot the day of speaking was upon us.

And I realised I had fuck all to talk about, no notes and a phobia of public speaking. Plus the girl I fancied was sat at the back of the class watching me.

Name got called, I grabbed my mate's book, turned to a page with writing on and bullshitted for 10 minutes to everyone.

Got a B- but bloody hell it was close.
(sporky, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 21:43, Reply)

College
Had been on the dole for a couple of years and thought I'd better educate myself a bit, so I actually had a chance of getting a job. Having run an Atari ST diskmag, programmed in STOS and 68k assembly, I thought, hey, why not do a computer course.

Duly go to college, and sign up for Software Engineering, cos it sounded good. First lesson, it was a pop quiz, 20 questions to see how much you already know.

Cue me sitting there for an hour. The only things I could answer were my name, and the first question, which was mid-range algebra. I then completed the rest of the paper with an apology to the tutors for wasting their time, and how I hoped they wouldn't hold it against me if I enrolled in something else and had them as a tutor there as well.
(julio geordio, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 21:12, Reply)

Pot
I was about 13 and all my friends were trying pot. My turn and I puked everywhere then my friends dog tried and eat the remains of my lunch aswell as me feeling like crap for hours, gross.
(deathphoiadeath, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 20:21, Reply)

A-level Biology Coursework
it is 10pm the day before it is the final final final(ie he has to of marked them by tomorrow)deadline and I think I ought to start soon.
by 1am things are looking not bad, i have 1/4 written but feeling sleepy by 3am my head is nodding hitting the keys and I am typing my dreams, finished it at 6:50, printed it at 8 then handed it in at 9. suffice to say I only got 12% and still had weird lines of my dreams left in it... whopse, still a lesson not yet learnt tho...
(Ajtag, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 18:35, Reply)