Mabel
When I moved in with Mrs. Kite, she had a "cat"* called Mabel. Mabel loved mrs. Kite dearly...unfortunately she HATED everyone/thing else. I was regualarly Hissed and spat at until food was needed, whereupon she loved me more than anyone ever loved another. She used to enjoy clawing our feet when asleep. She loved sitting on my back when having "maritals".
She was vile...

...and I cried when I had o have her put down (riddled with cancer). Fortunately we have 1 photo of her and Kite Jr.

We now have 3 Goldfish and 1 Hamster (William Wigglebotom). The fish arent very funny TBH.

*Furry Velociraptor was an alternative offered by a friend
(kitescreech still here, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 22:58, Reply)

The funniest thing about hamsters is...
...if you drop them, they absorb the impact with considerable effect by squashing like a rubber ball. They don't bounce or at least didn't when I witnessed it, but it's still one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Please don't get the wrong idea - I've seen it happen once, and inadvertently at that - it was a wriggly little bastard. And the hamster was fine if a little bad-tempered* thereafter, but then who'd blame it?

But still {sniggers even now} :)

* And maybe a bit winded too in the short term
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 22:57, Reply)

Zombie hamsters!
The following happened in ´87 (I was 8) in a quiet seaside village in Iceland.
Me and my family (dad,mom,sister) just got home from a 2 week holiday. While we were out,
we had asked our neighbours to look over our pets which constituted of 2 hamsters
(a male and a female) and a cat.

They did an amazing job. Amazing as in "it´s amazing that you couldn´t drag your arses
5 meters to our house to feed the animals!"

Yep, one malnourished kitty and two dead hamsters, no wait, 6 and a 1/2 dead hamsters.
It seemed that while we were gone, the fruit of their love had blossomed, and then some of
said fruit consequently eaten. By the time my sister found out what happened to the hamsters
she of course started to cry her eyes out and shut herself in her room, while I got the
job of cleaning up the mess.

I noticed as i picked up a past-tence hamster that rigor mortis had set in and if
I set it on the table it was as if it stood on his own 4 legs. So I did what any 7 year
old boy would do(I hope): I put the hamsters on the table, put a leaf of lettuce under them
and cried out in a "Can I hear you say halelujah"-manner:
"Sis, they are alive, ALIVE"
I never saw a door flung open so fast. My sister was in the kitchen in .5 secs flat.

As she saw the hamsters, the tears started to flow again. Albeit joyous tears this time.
She crouched beside them and started to pet one of them, who, by the loving caress
of my sister, fell to the floor. It made a sound like a golf ball when it hit the floor.

I wasn´t all too surprised to find out that I was the only one who thought it was funny.

ps:The hamster children thingies received a better treatment: A viking funeral at sea.
Well, I put them in a wood box, doused them with petrol, lit and threw the bbq in the ocean.
(snordfjord Cranky...like a crank!, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 22:27, Reply)

The Resident Loon...
and anyone else with a cat with a medical collar. Throw food in. Trust me, you'll piss yourself.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 22:04, Reply)

Here's a list of my past and present pets:
1) Bunny (cat) - ran away
2) Jasmine (cat) - still alive
3) Jess (Rabbit) - dissapeared
4) Flick/Felix (Rabbit) - dissapeared
5) Bagie (Cat) - died
6) Sandy (Rabbit) - died
7) Jakob (Dog) - was mental, took back
7) Cous Cous (Rabbit) - dissapeared
8) Twix (Guinea Pig) - died
9) Unamed (2 Pigs) - slaughtered yum!
10) Oreo (Cat) - still alive
11) Rosemary (Pigme goat) - still alive
12) Thyme (Pigme goat) - still alive

_{As well as numerous hamsters and hundreds of cows}
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 21:51, Reply)

Fatdog and Adventure Ears, Part 5.
The Big Black Hissy Thing was the first animal in my house a few years ago- I got her and Thistletoes (who you can see in a pic in my profile, if you wish) before I moved in there, and then Thistletoes moved out with my now-ex girlfriend. So she tends to be a bit possessive and territorial, at least when it comes to me.

As mentioned before, Adventure Ears prefers to sleep in our bed. She also prefers to go into Red Alert Mode whenever she sees the Big Black Hissy Thing.

So many nights I'll be awakened in the wee hours of the morning by the bed vibrating down near my feet, coupled with what sounds like Yoko Ono from on top of my pillow...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 8 Jun 2007, 21:36, Reply)

Hamster Suicide
Had a hamster who was a master of escape, he lived in a metal wire cage with a hatch on top, he'd quickly learnt that the hatch was easily forced and would regularly escape and spend a few days chewing up the sofas.

To attempt to prevent this habit of escape my parents devised the cunning plan of putting heavy objects over the hatch so as it wouldn't open without their removal.

This hamster must've been fucking strong, came down one morning to find my hamster hanging by its neck. It had managed to lift the weighted hatch and had made a break for it, the moment it had let go to climb out the hatch came down again practically decapitating it.

Lucky me discovered it, I was 5 at the time!
(Inglorious, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 21:29, Reply)

Cats are ace
We had a cat, Apollo, who died just shy of his 20th (you're reading that right) birthday in 1989(hence the name). He was brilliant, loopy and all but indestructable. Savaged by an alsation? Not a prob. Locked inside someones shed for three days? HA! He would go completely loopy running around the house, was the most loving thing on the planet and my dad and I cried when we burried him. Haven't thought of getting another cat, never will. Feel sorry for you mate, cats are ace.
(DustyD, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 20:51, Reply)

Hamsters hibernate?
When me and MrS Crass got together she had a hamster..Anyway when we got a house together the hamster took pride of place on the living room windowsill...We couldn,t afford to heat said house and was quite cold in winter..Waking up one cold morning I find that hammy has pegged it during the night..Didn,t bury him ( we had no kids) so put it in a old bean tin and put him in the bin.....I finds out later that hamsters hibernate even in captivity if cold enough...OH dear
(andycrass loves two hats on, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 20:50, Reply)

I have just got my cat home,
and the little cunt has fucked off up the chimney and is avoiding being grabbed by hissing and biting. I shall call him sooty.
(Ruffgeezer back again like a bad smell., Fri 8 Jun 2007, 20:32, Reply)

Many years ago I touched my cat's special area
I was sat in our living room watching TV. The rest of my family was doing likewise.
Sam, my childhood pet, now much older came and sat by my chair and rubbed his head against my hand in the universal sign for 'give me attention and I may let you live.'
So, still watching the TV I began to rub his head and back. Clearly meeting with feline smoothing criteria Sam rolledd over and let me rub his belly.
I must stress that I was watching TV, and only idly playing with the cat,honest.
After a minute I realised that Sam had a lump on his belly. Thinking that it must be cat cancer I quickly looked over to have a look.
Sam was lying on his back, legs spread wide, enjoying a nice little hand-job.
This was in full view of my Folks too.

Hmm...
(BigAndyBee, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 20:21, Reply)

Fatdog and Adventure Ears, Part 4.
My girlfriend has been separated from her husband of many years for about a year and a half, so periodically she still has to go back to her old house to retrieve something.

This past winter we went there (about an hour north of my house), and when she came out to the car she was visibly upset about something. It took her about a half hour to calm down enough to speak of it...

Apparently her old Siamese cat Thai had two raw red weeping wounds on either side of his face that extended from his ears almost to his eyes and down almost to his jaw. He kept scratching and digging at them so they wouldn't heal. And apparently he had been that way for about a month, because her ex didn't want to spend the money on an old cat. Bastard.

So the following morning we went up there and got the beast, and a more pathetic sight you've never seen. We took him straight to the vet, who kept him for a few days to clean up the wounds and dose him with antibiotics. For the next six weeks that poor bastard wore a big plastic cone around his head, but at least he could still eat and drink.

Okay, I can imagine that at first it would be awkward for him to have that funnel on his head- it was funny, in a short-bus kinda way, to watch him try to crawl into small spaces with it on- but after a while you'd think he would learn, wouldn't you?

Nope.

He would go to walk through an open doorway three feet wide, and ram the funnel into the frame. He would go to pass under the four foot wide coffee table, and ram into a leg every damn time. But best of all was when he would want to snuggle with me in bed and hit me on the nose with the funnel. Every damn time. Made me think of the old joke: "Why do (insert ethnic group here) dogs have flat heads? From chasing parked cars."

I'm not sure which of us was happier when we took the damn thing off of him...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 8 Jun 2007, 20:02, Reply)

coprophile dogs
most dogs will roll in poo at some point in thier lives by my best freind had a dog that would eat the stuff. when it was finished eating its own poo it would chow down on his other dogs poo. thats why one day it was caught with its face in the other dogs arse eating it as it came out. perhaps it didnt want to eat off the floor?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 19:31, Reply)

Catch of the day ...
I used to have two cats. They were brothers, but couldn't have been more different. Max was the athletic one, bringing back gifts of mice and birds on a regular basis. His brother, Golly, (black cat + un p.c. previous owners) was plain lazy. His only catches in 13 years? A builder's sandwich and bacon rind from the bird table.

(N.B. Golly too had a run in the with the cat-flap and wore it tutu style. Fat cats, eh? What can ya say!)
(Ginger Hobbit, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 19:21, Reply)

my nan's cat is bastard hard
It owns the neighbour hood, he can go where he likes when he likes and any other cat to cross him gets a braying.

In addtion to beating upon other cats it also likes to attack children and dogs. famously he had a doberman drag its owner down the street as it tried to get away from him. My aunts dog wasent safe either, it came at him snarling only to have an unflinching cat scratch him on the nose and chase him round the garden.

everyone in my family except me has been attcked by him, if you displease him he will bitch slap you ie: a hard paw swipe without claws. this is a warning shot his claws SCAR.

despite all this my favorite memory of him is as a kitten he would be best of friends with my nans dog*. To the point where he would jump on the dogs back and ride around on him like a horse all afternoon.


*curiously identical to the one on the dulux tin.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 19:19, Reply)

Rabbit
Becasue we had an enclosed garden, we could allow my rabbit to run around all day, knowing he would get out. Id get up around 8am, let him out, then eat my breafast with him (lettace and toms for him, crunchy nut cornflacks for me!) He'd eat grass, chase the pidgeons and challenge any cat which came into the garden! At night, depending on his mood, he'd either go into his hutch on his own, or me and my dad would have to rugby tackle him and throw him into his hutch, often follwed by him banging the walls of the hutch so show how pissed off he was!! Saddly he died, very quickly. One day we let him out and he just didnt want to come out, we noticed he was limping so took him to the vet, but saddly he died when got there. Very sudden indeed. He probably caught something from one of the flying rats he often chased :) Funny thing is, my dad, who doesnt show much emotions, cried when he died!! RIP Rabbit (no, we didnt name it!! just swore at him alot hahaha!!!)
( Captain Pilchard The king of B-movies!, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 19:14, Reply)

Patch and the Moomin
Some of you may be aware that my mum has a strange disability which means that instead of talking she makes moomin noises, which is a real pity for me, as I was terrified of them as a child. (I was scared of moomins, not mums.)

Anyway, New Years Eve, a couple of years ago.

I got in first, let Patch out for a wee, then put him in my brothers room, while I went off for some sleep.

I was awoken at 3.30am by Ma Jugular, screaming in moomin. I eventually decipher that Patch has gone.

This was, of course, after reliving my worse childhood nightmare, moomins chasing me out of bed.

Anyway, family Jugular is freaking out because Patch is missing, someone has kidnapped him, and it's all my fault for being too drunk to look after him.

The weird thing being that I wasn't that drunk. I'd only had about three that night, and I distinctly remembered fetching him in after his midnight pee.

So I put my detective hat on, and go outside.

All the bins have been knocked over.

My brother's bedroom window is open

The bins are below my brothers window.

I go into the garden and call Patch, out he comes, happy as larry.

The little bugger had only gone and jumped out of my brothers (second storey) bedroom window, used the bins as a landing pad and gone for a midnight stroll.

I can honestly tell you that's there's nothing more frightening than a giant moomin screaming that someone has stolen your dog in the middle of the night.

Trust me on that one
(Jugular, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 19:09, Reply)

ginger pubes
is what i call my ginger cat.

but anyway I will allways rember how he put a freshly dead magpie in my dads shoe. I watched him struggle for a bit but he maged to fit it all in with just the feet and tail fethers pointing out of the top.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 19:04, Reply)

Hmmm
Not one of my proudest moments, but anyway...

I once had the nest dog ever, I was called Bradely, he was a cross between a red setter and a springer spaniel.

To say this dog was stupid is like saying that Stephen Hawkins has slight troubles with stairs.

But this story isn;t about Bradleys stupidity, no it's about his "other" habit.

My dog wanked. A lot. Prolly more than I did (which is hard as I was 15 at the time.)

Anyway.

Picture me and my family, sitting in the living room watch TV. Bradely sitting infront of the TV "cleaning" humself. Suddenly water appears on the screen. We look puzzled and I get up to see if there is a leak. Then I notice my dog with his cock in his mouth, rubbing up and down with it clenched between his teeth.

Not something I want to remember to be honest.

A week later, I'm sitting in my room playing Diablo 2. Suddenly I feel something hit the back of my head, I reach round and feel a liquid. I curse and look up, expecting to see a leak. I get Deja Vu and suddenly remember that Bradley had been sleeping on my bed...

Yes, when I was 15 my dog came on teh back off my head.

As I said, not my proudest moment.
(Lusiphur, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:47, Reply)

Smart cat
I've currently got two cats, a white kitten called Charlie and an old tabby called Carmen.
Carmen is about 15 years old and, until last year, lived quite happily with her old mate Scatty.
When Scatty passed away suddenly last year (and carmen spent 3 days sitting in the garden calling for her) we had decided against getting a new cat. However, a kind samaritan changed all that and gave us Charlie as a surprise.
Charlie is great fun and loves more than anything to chase Carmen round the house. As a result, Carmen hates Charlie unless he is sleeping.
Anyway, back to the point of the story. After we'd had the kitten a couple of weeks, I'd occasionally come home to find him stuck in the front room howling (and shitting all over the place). Now we'd close the door to it in the morning (me and Mr's Evilm have a nice new velvet sofa that we didn't want spoiled) so I couldn't figure out how he was getting in there.
One day I'd taken the day off work and was sitting on the sofa watching tv. I became aware of the sound of a cat hissing and figured that Charlie was once again trying to jump on Carmens head.
Lots of chasing and fighting sounds were coming from the hallway and then a different sound. It sounded like someone was rattling the door to the front room.
I looked over and, sure enough, carmen had stuck her paw under the door and was rattling it. A couple of seconds of this and, with a click, the door opened. She pushed through, then snaking along the wall, hid behind the sofa.
Charlie followed, all kitten enthusiasm, bounding into the middle of the room and looking around for his playmate.
Carmen hid behind the sofa till the kitten became distracted by a speck of dust on the floor. whilst he 'killed' it, she crept quietly out of the room.
Charlie saw her leave and he bounded over to the door. He just looked up at the great big hunk of wood and just howled.
Clever Carmen.
Poor Charlie.
(EvilMeister, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:44, Reply)

Pascal
When my cat Pascal was on his last paws, my mother took him to the vet.
The vet said she was very sorry, but Pascal needed to be put down.
"OK" said my mum.
But the vet said "Well I'll leave the two of you alone for a bit" and left the room.
My mum stared at the cat, and the cat stared back at her. So my mum held its paw for ten minutes and said "you're a nice cat".
Then poked her head round the door and said "Um, thank you, I think we're ready".
:-(

Edit: Pascal once bit my nose because he believed it was a sausage.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:26, Reply)

Mr. Whiskers
While at uni in Belfast we lived in a small house next to the landlord's. The landlord's little daugther had a number of cats, the most entertaining for us was Mr. Whiskers. He came round to our kitchen door (a glass door which opened to the garden) every morning in search of food, which mostly consisted of cottage cheese (which we bought for him, we didn't eat it) and salami. One day the glass in the door broke and was immediately removed by the landlord to be replaced later. Mr. Whiskers would drop by later and - as per usual - sit at the "closed" door to wait for someone to open. We teased him with salami and tried to make him come in through the gaping hole left by the now missing glass, but Mr. Whiskers would not be fooled. He simply rejected the fact that we had stuck our hands through the door. Or he needed to think about what that meant. Next morning - Mr. Landlord had already repaired the door, new shiny glass and everything - Mr. Whiskers turned up. He had clearly made up his mind about the door/glass issue, because he bumped right into the glass when he tried to get the cheese we showed him through the closed door. After that he boycotted our breakfast for a couple of days.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:19, Reply)

Marxism
My boss once told me this story...

He used to know this guy, Minty. Minty had a dog who he'd train to attack rich people. He was into the whole class-war thing. He called the dog Gramsci after an Italian Marxist. Rumour has it, it could smell wealth from up to 20 feet. The thing is, it all backfired. Minty won 100 grand on a scratchcard and Gramsci bit his knees off.

Don't worry though, he used the hundred grand to buy new knees.
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:16, Reply)

Colin
Someone kidnapped Colin our dog, but thanks to a kindly security guard and a daring midnight raid - with some hilarity and quite a few film references thrown in for good measure - we got him back.
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:15, Reply)

I have two cats,
and they're lovely. Bentham and Bentley. I love them so much that I have a small camera attached to their heads so I can always see where they are. Last week Bentham went missing for an hour and I nearly had a fit!
(abignumber, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:12, Reply)

faker
My dad's mate have a dog and one day came home to find it limping he was mystified by this as he'd been in the house all day. So he took it to the vet who said there was nothing wrong with it so they took it home still confused and it got a lot of fuss but no acion was taken and he limp continued. Then one day they came home to find the dog running chasing their cat it saw them stopped and suddenly started limping again. Funnily enough it stopped getting attention and it's limp disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared.

crafty bugger.
(Charlietron Still can't think of anything witty to put here, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:09, Reply)

I've always been
a 'cat person'. Not that I've anything against dogs or any other pets - just my family has always had cats and I've become rather used to their company. Now telling all the stories would take forever, so I won't recount in full the tale of Rufus who i taught to open doors, or of Nutmeg who managed to pull a pigeon bigger than her through the catflap and deposit it in the kitchen. Instead, I'll tell you about our current feline - Monty.

Now Monty is a ginger tom and he's been castrated; as such he's become something of a bloater (Seeing him superman through the catflap always amuses me) with a neurotic but soft as anything temperament. Unfortunately, he seemed to be at the back of the litter when brains were handed out - we've been treated to some truly spectacular displays of feline stupidity thanks to this old furball. My particular favourite being the day we got laminate flooring in our kitchen:

Now, Monty had gotten into the bad habit of jumping onto our kitchen counters and slapping us for food as we walked by. no matter how many times we shouted "NO!" or pushed him off, he didn't seem to be discouraged. Until I heard "skrrritch-scufflescufflescuffle-THUMP!" from the kitchen and headed downstairs to take a look. I was just in time to see our dopey mog attempting his usual leap to the kitchen counter. Unfortunately he hadn't accounted for the lack of traction 'twixt claws and laminate floor (We'd previously had carpet.) hence I see him coil up and pounce forward, but lose traction with his back legs upon takeoff (skrrritch) Monty still had enough bounce to make it towards the counter, but unfortunately lacked the necessary height so he wound up broadsiding it with his (not inconsiderable) gut and scrabbling for purchase with his front paws (scufflescufflescuffle) before falling straight on his arse (THUMP!) and walking off with the "Actually-I-meant-to-do-that-and-it's-just-coincidence-that-it-appeared-to-hurt" look.

Bless, wouldn't change him for the world :)
(Kendal, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 18:00, Reply)

During a free house
A few friends were round, watching TV in the living room with the patio doors open for air, but also with the glass panes in front of them so as to not have too much ventalation. You can probably see where it's going - my cat comes in, is terrified at the amount of people (only a few but she was never really a people cat) and shot for what she thought was the open door. Obviously hillarious at the time, but the best bit was that, having opened them to let her out, she refused to believe that she could actually exit this way and I had to drag her through, then she started wandering round the garden wondering if this mysterious blockage would start again. You've not lived till you've seen a cat exploring a garden while questioning the nature of existance and the space time continum.
( Whillow, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 17:59, Reply)

I'm still not sure if I believe this one.
My friend swears to god he saw this. He had a fat cat, Mojo, and a happy dog, Shadow (now sadly deceased). They got into antics of all sorts.

Well, one day, they felt it was of the utmost importance to chase an even fatter cat around my friend's house. My friend is looking out the windows, and he sees them chasing round and round.

Finally they screech onto a porch, and it seems they have it. This porch is high enough to make any normal cat hesitate, but this one doesn't blink. And in front of the eyes of my friend and his two animals, it gathers itself, leaps off, and (he swears) its flabby tummy spreads out as it falls, stretching out in an amazing impression of a flying squirrel, and it GLIDES down.

It lands and runs away, leaving behind three astonished creatures doubting their own eyes. I've never forgotten that story.
(Poogle, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 17:43, Reply)

my brother
went round to a mate's house when he was about 14. he was lying on his front watching tv when their adolescent but big and black and hairy as fuck doberman jumped on his back and began to shaft him through his jeans.

my brother was screaming and yelling but his mate was laughing too hard to do anything. jay had to lie there until it was finished, feeling its horrible hard doggy dick poking at his bum cheeks and its rancid breath panting quicker and quicker and then slowly and with satisfaction in his ear.

when he told me this years later, i was scarred and horrified. "why the hell didn't you stop it?" i asked.

"would you stop a fucking doberman in that state?" he snarled back... good point...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 17:35, Reply)