Regrets, I Have A Few
But then again, too few to mention...

What *haven't* I done to get laid would be an easier question to answer.

I took on 5 brawny workmen in a no-holds-barred fight to impress one girl. I got seven colours of shit kicked out of me and didn't get laid as she thought brawling was "common". Strike 1.

Drank a litre of vodka down-in-one when I was 18 to try and get in the knickers of another sweet young thing. Didn't work as she wasn't into projectile vomiting or shagging unconscious spotty scrotes. Strike 2.

Pretended that I was a professional hang-glider in order to impress some gullible students. Didn't work. Strike 3.

Pretended that I was gay. Used this one many, many times when I was a student. Women would then be hell bent on getting me in the sack in order to "convert" me. This ploy went pear-shaped when AIDS became rife but was a winner in the early 80's.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:41, Reply)

My girlfriend lives in Germany
Previous ones have lived in Russia and Scotland etc.
I always met them in a local place only to find out they live miles away, so to get laid again I have to clock up airmiles.
I suppose I could always get laid here in Weymouth but I'd rather not get a disease or end up with one of the local bints after me again, if I need to travel for beautiful women and fantastic sex then travel I will! (even if it is close to 2500 miles)
( SiX and his hat, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:41, Reply)

I told her she wasn't fat





I suffocated.
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:38, Reply)

Female Tale of Man-Trapment
Well, Dave was his name, and he was in the final year at uni (and I was in the first, thus he was cool). 'I must snare him!' I thought, in my wicked female mind. I'd known him for about six months, the odd little smile, etc, and I was getting fed up. I wanted him for mine!

The plan was set to make sure he was mine. On the Monday pre-snaring shopping went ahead. You think us girls just 'happen' to bump into you looking lovely? Bollocks. A range of seductive yet non-sluttish day clothes were purchased (tight jeans, breast-enhancing t-shirts etc - no cleavage - all part of the master plan) and a killer outfit for the Friday night (tight black trousers, black silk corset, buxom cleavage)

All went swimmingly (a little TOO swimmingly?). On the Tuesday I went out for 'Quiz Nite' at my local. Dave was there. Dave smiled. Result. Wednesday I went out to a vodka bar and had a little dance with the girls. Again, Dave was there. He was a bit drunk and wandered over to give me his number and mumble something about my hair (I hope it was nice, and not 'arrgh! there's rat piss in your hair!'). This was steamrolling ahead!

Thursday (night) I texted him and asked if he was going to the club Friday. He was. Excellent.

Get all dolled up, wear a small black shirt over my corset. Have a drink or two in the local then move onto the club. When Dave is spotted, master plan kicks off. I pretend to barely notice him (girls: devious) then took off my shirt to reveal the corsety goodness within (girls: sexual predators). Then I walked off to dance with my homosexual malefriends (Dave didn't know they were gays somehow, despite the silver trousers). Jealousy is an evil thing and had the desired effect. When I went to the bar Dave came over and bought me a drink. We chatted, etc, and he kissed me. Victory is mine! I thought, as I contemplated the near £100 (a lot of money to a brassic student) I had spent achieving this kiss.

We went back to his place for a coffee (a real one not a shagging one) and kissed some more (coffee never appeared, the devious bastard (girls: hypocrites)). Obviously playing the long game, I didn't try it on nor allow him to - I'm not a good girl, I'm just a good bad girl. We're all crafty bitches really. Thinking of the wonderous relationship I had so craftily sped into life, I asked him if he wanted to go out and see a movie the next day. His romantic reply?

'Oh sorry, I can't, I'm going to Peru for six months, trekking'.

The BASTARD. You'd think he would have mentioned it before (say in the hour and a half of chatting before he went in to kiss me?!) but oh no! He was going in for the kill!

MEN! You are all EVIL LYING BASTARDS!!!
(Northern Lovely, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:30, Reply)

Get a girlfriend...
It makes you instantly attractive to women. Either that or more aloof and easy going which is probably much the same thing.

Which is utterly pointless as you aren't going to do anything about it anyway as somehow you already managed to snare a girl.
(mehmeh 0% witty, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:23, Reply)

Never
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. Usually works with beautiful women, if you just want to get into their knickers, as they are usually surrounded by dribbling excuses of men. However, having a serious relationship with them requires a bit of moderation as I have found out. Still learning (not very fast- I'm 37) and always plenty more fish in the sea:)
(Dellamorte Dellamore Fuck it all, fuck it up, fuck it., Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:14, Reply)

I've
asked

That is all
(Jugular, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:13, Reply)

Hmmm
I took a mouthful of my own jizz in return for a blow job from my bitch of an ex does that count?

Edit // I would like to add it tasted fucking disgusting worse than any sperm I have ever tasted.
(obesevegan wont pay for b3ta credit crunch etc excuse, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:13, Reply)

like
the other girls on here, i've never really had to do much more than agree to get sex. but ok, how about things guys have done to get us into bed, which still answers the question...

when i was 18, i twisted my ankle a bit and a guy carried me home from the student union all the way over waterloo bridge to my halls and up to my bedroom. and no, i didn't.

a silver fox some 25 years older than me once booked me a room at the savoy because he "wanted me to try the savoy breakfast". and no, i didn't.

another fat boring lawyer boss once spent £300 on pink champagne at coq d'argent with me, celebrating my new flat and asking to come and "inspect my twin balconies". and no, i didn't.

but when an alcoholic retard shit the bed i actually did go back there and put out? (although never on that bed ever ever again!) maybe my priorities are very seriously messed up!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:07, Reply)

I kidnapped
her fanny.
(nappy rash, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:06, Reply)

A friend of mine
paid a man to descend through a skylight at a formal dinner at uni to deliver a box of milk tray.

She turned him down.
( CowJam, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:02, Reply)

Ive Done many stupid things to get a bit of action.....
But by far the most labour intensive, was when I was a young nipper (19) and was working with a serious bit of single milf (30ish). We worked in the same cramped office and as time went on the flirting got more and more up to the point that I started agreeing to do the most random things to try and get a bit of bedroom action. Among these were:

Playing badminton: Now I used to play when I was a kid so I of course thought I was jonny big spuds, what I didn't know until I turned up was I was very shit and extremely unfit. Meaning that all I could do was flap about until I lied about pulling my calf, just to get outta there.

Going to a family funeral: She was kinda distant from her folks and when her aunt popped her clogs, she asked if I would mind going with her as a fuax boyfriend as her family had issues with her being a single mum, this meant that I had a entire day of random people asking how we met and how long we had been together etc, which I was forced to lie through.

Helping redecorate her bedroom: would I mind? Hell no I thought ive been trying to get you there for weeks! after a weekend of scraping filling and painting the only white liquid I got near her was paint.

Taking her mange bitten guinea pig to the vets: She was far to upset when fluffy (or what ever the minging ball of fluff was called) got a ulcer on its head, so I offered to take it for her. The vet said that the best course of action would be to put it down, so I phoned to give her the solemn news, only to be told that she would pay for the thing to get it sorted. When I informed the vet of this he raised an eyebrow and said that it wasn't worth it as the thing was old and might not make it, which after the Op and £120 later the thing lasted all of 2 weeks before going belly up! Que hysterics and accusations that I should have told her to have it put down!

Finally after a summer of the above without getting as close to a grope I gave up. And asked another girl in the office out for a drink, we went out all of about 3 times before the milf phoned me up a bit drunk and asked me if I wanted to come round after the pub closed.

When I got there she opened the door nearly starkers and raped me (not that I was bothered).

Was it worth it? well we did have a few more encounters and I have to say I was fully taught the way of the woman. So yes

Also nice to see that jealousy works for the good sometimes

Sorry for length Etc but she liked it.
( caffeinefreak, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 10:49, Reply)

my friend told me this story:

when I was a student: he was in the uni bar, and saw a beautiful young woman, and a bored-looking young man. The woman was enthusiastically telling the man about her Dungeons and Dragons campaign.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 10:45, Reply)

My only boyfriend
When I first met INSERT GENERIC BOY'S NAME HERE, I had my typical "I am going to sleep with that guy if it fucking kills me" moment. Unfortunately, he had a steady girlfriend at the time, and is not really the screwing-around type. (When we were together he once idly said to me "I'd like to have a one-night-stand", much as you'd say "I'd like to visit Maccu Piccu".) Aside from the usual things that curdle my forebrain, such as ten-inch eyelashes, the fact that I could see his knob clearly outlined in the baggy corduroy fabric around his knees was a compelling selling point.

GENERIC BOY'S NAME didn't like me, because I was associated with the hard lefty types who would bollock you for wearing Nikes while they happily tucked into Israeli sesame sticks.* I slept with one of his friends, his girlfriend decided she was a "vampyre" (pronounced "vam peer" as another b3tan has helpfully informed us) and slept with another guy in a Vegemite-related scenario that I'd rather not think about, they broke up, I was still with other friend sort of. Finally, guy I was sort of with moved interstate giving me a comparatively easy out.

GENERIC BOY'S NAME was still somewhat leery of me. I set myself up with a radio show at the student station, which I would have done anyway, but I made sure it was in a genre he liked and asked him to help me with it. I invited him over to my place to "listen to some records" and, seriously, he left my place at 1am without touching me. His housemates and friends had to nag and bully him into sleeping with me. He finally caved in when I was at his place late in the evening and made it fairly clear that I refused to sleep on the floor.

I'd never actually had an orgasm through vaginal sex before. I've never had one since, either.

Time elapsed, from first espying giant nob to The Little Man In The Boat Has Landed: 12 months.

Apologies for girth.

*I don't observe an Israel boycott - in fact I've just finished scarfing down a packet of said sesame snacks - just pointing out that people in glass houses should fucking watch themselves, is all.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 10:31, Reply)

I once serenaded...
...a girl outside her window. I hired a string quartet as backing band and sang a sad aria from Puccini while dressed as a romantic pirate. I also had four dozen red roses delivered and a pepperoni pizza.






Unfortunately, I got the address wrong.
(E-mail Zola Son of Che, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 10:17, Reply)

Fencing (swords, not boundary separation)
A few years ago I joined a fencing club because I had recently graduated and I thought it would make me sound interesting on the ol' CV. And I wanted to hit people with swords. After a few months I realised that fencing is actually a bit dull and was about to give up when a couple of lovely 18 year old girls started attending. All of a sudden my fencing night was the highlight of my week.

I turned up every week, tried to impress them with my physical prowess by really pushing the envelope in the warm up sessions and fencing as many people as I could in the 2 hours available. I got my first couple of grades; I turned up early to help the instructor set up. He thought I was keen so he started training me up to be a fencing coach, I helped teach the kids and new members, I gave up my weekends to go to fairs & schools to promote fencing and the fencing club, I helped organise club socials, I became a close friend of the instructor and his family...

All because I wanted to boff one of the young ladies. To cut a long story short, I was an integral part of the fencing club for about a year when I finally got together with one of the girls. After that, my interest in the club dropped to zero and I withdrew from the glamorous world of amateur fencing.

On guard!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 10:13, Reply)

I lied....
.....to my doctor about having a pain at the back of my balls, just so I could get referred to the proctologist who in turn stuck their lubed finger up my Dartford. Looking back on the experience I should have found a female proctologist as opposed to an old man with a beard, but I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the experience.
(super-bad aids, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 10:02, Reply)

ran naked through town
shouting gouranga, well it's what she wanted..

i had fun that week
( Dances with Rabbits Back to Education i go, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:54, Reply)

I've never
done anything like that.

Signed,
John Hinckley.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:50, Reply)

i once
recorded the news off the radio and then doctored the news guys voice to say that a nuclear war dad broken out and loads of people had died (lot of effort i know but it payed off)

played it in the car on the way home from a date and she demanded we head for the hills

after about a week of living in the woods "repopulating the human race" she came across a family that had gone camping who set her straight about world events

i was very unpopular with everybody i knew for a while after that

length? she didnt complain but then again we were doing it for the sake of humanity
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:44, Reply)

It was me that was mad.....
She was a lovely girl, met at a christian youth retreat in north wales.... I pretended for nearly 4 years that I was a heavy duty beleiver just to get a little action (should sound great, corrupting etc etc) but when we broke up she said I was a deviant in the bedroom - my crime? doggy fashion! Meh.
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:36, Reply)

I agree with mmm...beer
No girls are going to have anything interesting to say


My best efforts either involve taking off my bra or his trousers. If he's playing hard to get.


Something gender unbiased please :)
( Kittenpants, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:34, Reply)

regurgiated food
Well, it was a well chewed pork pie, some random bird at Glastonbury (possibly 99). She chewed the pork pie until it was basically a blob of masticated meat and pastry. She then spat a HUGE lump into my mouth with I munched a bit more and swallowed. I then got laid (same girl then sucked my somewhat manky nob on the last night)I guess thats not really mad but it was a bit grim. Actually, it could have been a beef pie in which case there is a very slim chance that it was made with infected beef.............you can finish this off yourself.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:29, Reply)

I'm a girl
And it's pretty easy to get men into bed. Can we have a non sex-biased question of the week now please?

Pedantic man edit: When I say sex-biased I do obviously mean gender-biased

Mod edit: Non-sex biased? I think you are adding the bias there... thank your lucky stars you find it easy.

Edit: Woo - mod edit! I feel special.
From an evolutionary perspective there is no reason for males to be at all choosey about who they have sex with since males are only limited in the number of offspring they can produce by the rate at which they can persuade females to mate with them. Females on the other hand are limited by the gestational period and by the period of parental care and so need to be more selective about whom they mate with. For this reason, men have evolved to sleep around while women have evolved to look for men that are likely to stick around and help them bring up their spawn. Thus, if you are just looking for sex it is easier to get it if you are female than if you are male. Of course the introduction of contraception has changed this somewhat, but until society changes enough so that women who sleep around are not viewed as slags then it is going to continue to be difficult for men to get their legs over.
I could go on to point out that from a Darwinian point of view the kind of chavs you see on Trisha that have 8 kids by 6 different women by the age of 22 are in fact fitter than the rest of the population who know how to use a condom, but that would just be depressing.
(mmm....beer, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:25, Reply)

ee!
second! OK, fourth.

I once accidentally turned up to work looking like a woman. (I had a presentation, see, and had to wear a dress and makeup to make some kind of highly relevant point.) This somehow convinced the guy I'd been nagging for sex pretty much ever since I started working there (Can we have sex yet? Can we have sex yet? Can we have sex yet?) to cave in and have sex with me. W00T!

EDIT:

I agree with mmm...beer
No girls are going to have anything interesting to say

Glad to hear you're so fucking attractive, fuckface. *hits the ignore button*

I work like a broke dick dog to get sex, or at least I used to when I was still capable of achieving something roughly analogous to erection.* The guy I posted about above took three months to wear down, from walking into work and having my hypothalamus shout in my ear "YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT MAN. YES YOU DO. NOW.", to discovering that he was "on a break" with his girlfriend back in The Country, to nagging and nagging and nagging and nagging as if I wanted to be taken to Mount Splashmore instead of... [actually that is a good analogy, I think I'll leave it], to accidentally turning up to work looking pwitty and femining instead of like a Motorhead groupie, to having him mysteriously cave in one pissed-up Wednesday night (! we worked in an extremely reputable processing centre indeedy) and agree to accompany me back to my place. Then, of course, we were both so shitfaced that not much really happened.

I still have a mental image of him walking naked across my room to get his clothes in the morning which I will take to my grave. When the funeral directors (by which I mean "the coroner's assistants who dispose of itinerant corpses") wonder why my sozzled carcass is smiling so radiantly it will be because of that.

*Before I was menopausal and 30kg overweight yet strangely malnourished.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:10, Reply)

Got Married
First Post - second on board - Wished I was first for my first!

Got married to get laid! At least she is good :)

*pop* - But then good guys always cum second

edit - Make that third then
(Lizzard, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:10, Reply)

I have been responsible
for providing sacks of free gear to friends; this has never been aimed at getting laid, directly, but has often had that effect.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:09, Reply)

Went all the way to
America
( M o D, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 9:04, Reply)