Well...
I've got to agree with whoever said "get a girlfriend, it makes you more attractive". I've got a girlfriend that I don't really like, and who doesn't like me. We've been together for about a month (I see white dresses etc on the horizon) and was offered sex (for free - which makes this kind of off topic) tonight by a VERY attractive blonde girl from New Zealand who I've liked for ages. I told her that I had to go home as I have to teach some little old ladies English in the morning. I am now drinking my sorrows away and contemplating how much of a total twunt I am. :( The unfortunate thing is that hot blonde girl's ex is moving back here on Wednesday after which she "won't be able to hang out, if you know what I mean?"

Twunt, twunt, twunt!

Length? I guess she'll never know.
(Bifta, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 17:37, Reply)

Let her dress me up as a girl...
...make-up, wig, the lot; before spending a good hour eating her out. Then she tied me up, ass-fucked me with a strap-on and took photographs. As a reward, I got to spend the rest of the evening shagging her silly!

No wait - this is a fantasy. Ladies, if this sort of thing appeals to you...
(minimalist ..., Fri 13 Apr 2007, 17:24, Reply)

I'm pretty crap when it comes
to courting the ladies and I have a habbit of getting fixated on one at a time until I get proved to be a complete pleb.

I spent several months trying to pluck up the courage to ask one girl out (a barmaid, surprise surprise) by drinking copious amounts of beer on my own. Of course it doesn't work like that, but I eventually asked her if she would have a drink with me and she said yes! So I waited and waited, but she didn't come and sit with me, instead she sat on her own, and no way was I gonna get the bollocks to go over to her. My first attempt was just weird, and all I could manage was "your gorgeous you are".

Now people think I am weird (which I am), but that's not the point. My technique of aimlessly gazing with puppy dog eyes doesn't work, what a looser! haha

She had a boyfriend anyway, but I wouldn't have cared if she had left him ;-)

Edit: I forgot to mention that the hours I spent drinking cost me *allot* of money... but made me the man I am today... yadda yadda
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 17:09, Reply)

Funny?
To Wormwood Pearl and others who can't stand to read these various answers. I'd hazard a guess that (especially for blokes) going through a stage of being prepared to do stupid shit to get into people's knickers is just part of a long learning process. At the end of it comes the revelation that the best people to get into bed are those who don't require you to get pissed/ take copious quantities of drugs/ eat ants/ do random and possibly dangerous stuff/ otherwise degrade yourself just to do teh sex with them. As long as you've learnt that someone who won't have sex with the normal you probably isn't worth it, we can look back at that stage and laugh. I went through it and I'm not too neurotic (perhaps a little). If you haven't learnt that lesson, then you have a nice road-to-Damascus moment to look forward to.

I once followed someone a fair distance round the world in an attempt to get her (back) into bed. It didn't work, she'd already shacked up with someone else. In retrospect I should have put a lot more effort into trying to boff her much (like seriously) more attractive friend.

As for rape jokes and the virgin stories, yes, dramatically unfunny.
(flimflam_machine, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Me ol' driving instructor told me a story about a mate of his;
would attend the local clubs, and simply ask a bird "Fancy a fuck?" 19 times out of 20 he'd get a slap, but the 20th was where he had fun.

The driving instructor had a different technique; a big pack of business cards with one slightly protruding from the pack. He'd go upto a bird holding this pack and say something like "Hi, my names Vince, want my business card?". The bird would go to grab the obvious protruding one, but Vince would tighten his grip on the cards to make her struggle a bit to get this card out. After about 10 seconds, he'd loosen his grip and the card would pop out with the words "Fancy a fuck then?" on there. More often or not, the girl would be so rattled by struggling to get the card that the worst case scenario would be her laffing it off.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Uh
Well, I have a success story....

It involves cedde person being "stalked-ish", their flights checked to see when they're flying, their seating place "carefully manuipulated" and "accidental" meetings arranged.

Funnily enough, all this was targeted at me.

It worked :o)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 17:05, Reply)

Veggie.
Well, I haven't tried this yet but I think telling the guy that you're a vegetarian and that you really have an urge for a nice sauage might help?

(This only counts for desperate people. Girls like me never had any trouble getting intoa guys pants;);)
(Bohine, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:54, Reply)

This girl got me to eat ants once.
She kept saying "just one more and I'll give you the best EVER."

But after the ninth or tenth I figured that either she was taking the piss or I would run out of ants pretty soon anyway.

Oh, and I went to a midnight opening for Harry Potter 6 as an excuse for a "sleepover" with this girl. Our local Respect Party MP looked at me funny. I think she knew my game.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:53, Reply)

Worst thing I ever did to get sexytime?
Probably involved drinking a bottle of Bulgarian red wine at the prompting of a lady who promptly pounced on me when I was paralytic.

To be fair, she didn't need to get me drunk to have her wicked way with me, as she was both funny and interesting, but I hardly put in a vintage performance. I could barely stand up, let alone, erm stand up...

She wasn't put off one bit as I found out when I slumped on my back to be quickly relieved of my clothes. The rhythmic rocking of the mattress was sufficient to lull my drunken self to sleep, I guess the sensation must be similar to lying in a gently rocking boat albeit with a gyrating woman straddling you.

Amazingly she was still keen to see me again.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:47, Reply)

I asked

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:47, Reply)

Bugger
Yet another QOTW I'll have to ignore. I have no interest in reading about people lying, whining, conniving and bullying their way into people's pants, the obligitory rape jokes, and virgins being given the worst possible intoduction to sex. For fuck's sake people, think a bit less about your genitals and a bit more about not being arseholes to people, and perhaps there would be many less neurotic, fucked up women (and men) in the world.

I'm now going to answer the question I'm imagining we're being asked this week:

The fluffiest kitten I ever saw was at a cat shelter when I was 12. I wanted it ever so much, but mummy said no. Then she took me home and locked me up under the stairs.
(w0rmwood pearl, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:44, Reply)

when an 18-year old
I wasn't really thinking about boffing the girl of my dreams, who had agreed to go out with me, but I knew that to be different and interesting (no self-confidence back then) I had to find a niche. Hearing that women liked 'dangerous' guys I decided to elaborate on my interest in matters occultish by explaining that I was worried about being pursued by a demon that I'd happened across in a Crowley-esque ceremony involving a mental journey into the inner psyche. I explained that I was worried about her being implicated as someone in my life who would be a target for said demon 'Azol'.

I still can't work out why I thought that this would make her rush into my arms and beg for protection from the infernal forces of hell. I can't work out why I thought that she would view me as having interesting hidden depths. I can't work out why I thought this would give me an aura of mystique that would get around and imbue me with a character' among other students at the 6th form college i attended at the time.

she fucked me off -i.e. got rid of, not 'fucked'- pretty quickly (well, I did choose to deliver this story when she was in hospital with a broken ankle or something) for some reason and while we made up and got on later on (probably becase I also implied that I was close to developing epilepsy) and I saw her once on a visit while up in Manchester where she was at University, I'd well and truly fucked things up forever.

Sent her a 'hey how's it going' note through friends reunited the other month and still no reply.

Bollocks. She was lovely.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:37, Reply)

I
Went out with a Welsh girl
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:35, Reply)

Became a Man United fan (temporarily)
I now have an odd chunk of braincells saturated with trivia on Duncan Edwards, Matt Busby, Ron Atkinson, Bryan Robson's alarming number of injuries and that watch he got for scoring really fast in the World Cup. Unfortunately my object of affection just saw me as someone to talk footie with rather than a potential girlfriend. Serves me right I suppose.
(bonjelafiend, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:10, Reply)

Sexual preadator I am not...maybe a little bold
and definately a horny chic now, but as girl I grew up seeing all my friends with boyfriends and having sex and blah blah which i never did and when I was finally ready to let go of my good girl image I basically became a freak and sex is always on my mind now...so MY most effective way is to simply say "I just wanna suck your cock!!!" Yea I am probably a gay man stuck in a womans body because i want sex ALL the time... Also, fellas I have had a couple too many times have a man come to me and simply ask for it, and upon refusal they have offered me money (shame, utter shame) I don't know if I should take it as a compliment or an insult BUT the point is If she says NO FUCKING WAY!!! What makes you think she'll do it if you offer her money?? The only thing your gonna get is a swift kick to the nutsack prick!
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 15:19, Reply)

At the age of eighteen.....
...I was determined to lose my virginity to a particular man (a morris dancer, ohmigod!) and embarked on a long journey into deepest Kent where he was having a party. The journey involved at least two trains and was too far away to consider going home.

Trouble was, I had just been run over by a bus and had my leg in a plaster cast. It didn't get in the way though - I got my evil way!

Was it worth it?
It was rubbish. Got better with practice though.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 15:18, Reply)

How far? A long, long way
Australia. (from England, of course)

And it worked. That was 2003; we'll be getting married late this year. And she's the most gorgeous girl on God's earth. She even knows who Burt Bacharach is. And she loves Cointreau so it's really good every time I go there, 'cos I know what to get in duty free.
(Sky Channel 760, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 15:14, Reply)

Angel Station - you know, with the escalators that guy skiied down?
Large group of us were travelling home and we went down those escalators. The girl I quite fancied went on one downward escalator and we all went down the other. She complained about being on her own - so I heroically leapt across the gap between escalators to join her. It was right near the top. If I slipped (which was very likely considering how drunk I was) I would have tumbled down and surely do myself an injury. As it happens I made it, but no-one called me a hero. Just fucking stupid.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 15:10, Reply)

Sadly
I actually dated the useless Goth bastard. Lucky for me, Mr Too-Good-for-Recreational-Sex(his dad was a vicar) was worth it. . .for a while, anyway.

Scored a virgin, at least(yes, lads; we ladies keep count too)!
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 15:09, Reply)

got
me baps out. works a treat.
(melancholica, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 15:01, Reply)

Chasing Ladies.....
Most of my life I've been a slag. Most of my life has been spent in the pursuit of women. But I've an excuse.

I was brought up believing that I was horribly unattractive. I honestly believed that no woman in their right mind would have anything to do with me. So, in self defence, I went chasing women and found, to my complete amazement, that some of them did fancy me!! I was gobsmacked.

OK, the first few must have been flukes. So I continued chasing women and continued to score - but I still thought I was ugly and I still thought that there must be something wrong with the women I pulled if they fancied me. So I carried on.

It wasn't until years and years later that I accepted that I wasn't Shrek and that some women really did want me just for myself. No ulterior motive, they weren't doing it for a bet - they really did like, and in some cases, love me.

So I stopped being a slag and settled down to a series of relationships rather than series of one night stands. These days I'm incredibly happy to be in a stable relationship and look back on my shagging days with mostly fond memories. But I couldn't do it again. Too bloody exhausting chasing fanny is.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 15:00, Reply)

I'm married
So it takes:

a weekend away in a posh hotel
chocolates
flowers
her feeling that she's not fat that day
not mentioning work
good weather
me talking in soothing tones about her family
recounting romantic tales of our courting
a critical time window between 'full after dinner' and 'sleepy before bedtime'
some kind of extended massage/touching
candles and/or aromatherapy

And I usually fail at the point where she asks if I want kids and my face involuntarily scrunches into a twisted mask of loathing at the idea. That's an expensive hand job.
(Fothermucker, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:54, Reply)

Girl
I have one about a girl called Julie who I've posted about before.

The short version is that I was madly in love (Lust) with her and she knew it so she treated me like shit - I think a low point was making me carry her purse when she was out.

Didn't get any even though I believed I would for about 3 years.

I'm still, actually, rather bitter about this even though it was 10 years ago.

And yes, I would run her down.

And then reverse back - just to be sure.

Hellooooo Anger management
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:53, Reply)

God theres some shameful stuff when i think about it.....
How about the time i drove someone from Brum to Oxford Without my glasses on at 2 in the morning so she could return her satnav to a friend , Result = Shag
Or the time i took a friend to a swingers party only to watch her get ganged by 6 coloured gentlemen, Result = Not a sausage
Oh god, ive always wanted to see 2 guys together she says.... Result = 2 Shags and a sore bum (Im not even bi, she was very very hot in my defence)

Ive got hundreds of these so its best i stop now lol
(Brother_Will, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:42, Reply)

the classic
My usual charm had worn off so i brought out the big guns.

My mate had these little pills that you can put in drinks. I put 2 of them, to be sure, in her Bacardi breezer/generic alcopop. After a bout 30 minutes, as i'd been promised she went all wonky. I managed to walk her out of the club and managed to do that look to everyone that said "tut! she's soooo wasted!" and did the 'what ya gonna do' eyebrow raise.

I took her to hers in the cab and on the journey i managed to get my fingers inside her whcih was hard work as she was a bit dry. Good though.

Back at hers, we did EVERYTHING. It was amazing and i got tons of photos on my phone. She would shit a brick if i ever let on to her but I wouldnt do that, i'm not a total bastard.
Oh should mention that i got my brown wings that night! (lots of lube reqd mind you, i dont think she was a fan).

In the morning everything seemed a bit of a blur, i couldnt remember much and she couldnt remember a thing (lying bitch!!)

that was years ago now and i havent heard from her since really. Her mates said she changed a lot round about then and she didnt go out much anymore. Still hasnt got a boyfriend i dont think but then why should she, no need after that night!!!







ok, totally made up story OBVIOUSLY. This never happened, at least not at my hands. Just making the point to T - he knows who he is.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Setimret
reminds me of something... er... alomst exactly the same that happened to me.

I was at Uni (sometime during the whole 11 weeks I lasted) when I managed to convince a particularly attractive young lady that she would like to take me back to her place for some nookie.

We got back there and she offered me a smoke. I'm not usually averse to this, but I do know my limits, and I know that I can't mix booze and pot, from previous experience.

Anyhoo, wanting to appear 'hip' and down with 'the kids' (and having already had a skinfull) I accept her offer (WHY? I *knew* what would happen!)

I was sick off her balcony.

Then I left.

Never did see her again; probably for the best.
( IHaveABadFeelingAboutThis most likely working from home on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:29, Reply)

Rape
Too far?
(Dethro Jix I'm better than you and I probably hate you. Cunt., Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:18, Reply)

I would fly 1000 miles and I would fly 1000 back home (without getting any)
Well, the subject line kind of tells the whole story, really.

Posted before, anyway
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Not me but a friend....
Just for the record, I wouldn't stoop THIS low.

"Have you, erm got anything?" breathed his newest prospective squeeze when things began to take a passionate turn.

"Not sure, but I'll have a look" answers the gentleman in question knowing full well he's out of rubber.

Now I like to think that if I were in his position, I'd fess up and say "Not tonight Josephine, let's just hold each other like two chaste lovers and discuss poetry instead" safe in the knowledge that I'm being a gentleman and that no local all night pharmacy is within sprinting distance.

Our hero simply retires to the bathroom and draws a biro line round his old boy, before returning to the dimly lit boudoir and announcing "Ooh, I found one".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:13, Reply)

Sad, but true
I had already done the sleepy with by this point, but this was to try and save the relationship.

In my eyes, I couldn't see why she was splitting up with me. It was my first girlfriend, a lovely girl with a fantastic pair, great laugh and a right go-er. Lovely, lovely girl. She was told me she was bisexual too, a real one as well! It didn't really surprise me though when she told me.

Anyway, university ended and a few weeks before we left we kinda made the decision that we would split up at the end. Inside I was crying but being a lazy schmo (and further experiences have proved that any relationship where I have to cross a county to be with somebody will end in dismal failure), I knew it was probably right.

So came to the last night of university, and I really wanted to go out with a bang. This is it. If you want nookie after tonight, you have to look for it. We went out, got hammered, and danced together. We then went home, where we sat watching a movie late at night, on my bed, together.

"There's something I want to tell you rhyswynne."
"What?"
"I'm a lesbian."

My heart sank. In a horribly selfishly "no nookie for you". I said the only thing that maybe, in my drunken mind, would make her reconsider.

"Oh, that's okay, I'm bisexual too!"

WHAT IN GODS MIND MADE ME THINK SAYING THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?! Luckily, because she actually cared about me and wasn't a complete arsehole, she asked me to explain my feelings (which, as an IT technician, I'm not the best at anyway), how long I've been feeling like this, who did I like, that sort of jazz. Not one of the questions did she proceed to take her top off, to convince me to snap out of it.

It took me 3 months for her to realise that I only said that in the heat of the moment, and I only commit acts of lust that the bible would approve of. She was ultimately fine about it, and it's a damn shame that she's yet to find a lady, as she is such a lovely gorgeous person.

We're still friends by the way, and we've both moved on, but she still occasionally reminds me about that night.

Apologies for length, but look on the bright side, it's never been up a man's bum
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:09, Reply)