so strange...
It was truly mad, just to get her to sleep with me i had to put my cock in a rubber balloon.

Crazed i tell you
(Ryua lacks his tail and pointy ears, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 22:18, Reply)

Well
Personally, I've always been of the opinion that if a girl wants to sleep with you, she wants to sleep with you, and if she doesn't you aren't going to get anywhere by buying her a drink or owt.

I personally don't think I should pay for a drink for a total stranger. I have though, got girls to buy drinks for me - I see it as redressing the balence. I will quite happily wind a girl up make her think she's getting some later in the evening, personally I think it's fun...

I'm sure I've come across as a massive cunt - I'm not, I'm just very very confident :)
(comrade^, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 21:57, Reply)

roses are red
violets are blue
all of my base
are belong to you.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 20:40, Reply)

it definitely became easier
when I worked out it wasn't me that was supposed to take the Rohypnol...
( dan j what the buggery bollocks is this?, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 20:04, Reply)

Valentines Poetry
I REALLY shouldnt be sharing this with you guys, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you wont totally steal this one and use it, though, if you do, please let me know about it so I can add your 'pull stories' to my own. :)

Valentines Day. New York City (any city will do, as long as they celebrate Valentines Day of course!). Go to a bar and find two females sat together. Now, assuming this is not your run of the mill Lesbian bar, one of the two will be single and the other one is traditionally her married friend whose husband is out of town on business or some such.

Procure yourself a cocktail napkin and a pen. On the back of said napkin, jot down a brief Valentin'ey' poem: (it doesnt hurt to have multiple poems prepared in advance)

Tonight is Valentines Day
And the world must be off its base
I walked in the bar and saw you
Two beautiful women without any dates.
How could this be I asked myself
Two absolute stunners, alone on a shelf?
So please accept these two beers
On behalf of mankind
The rest of this bar (and the world) must be TOTALLY blind.

Then have the waitress take it and two of whatever they are drinking. It has NEVER failed. *(granted, I dont try this frequently, mostly just Valentines Day, but the 5 times I have used it, stunning success!)

Give it a go. It really does work.

Cheers,
Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 19:59, Reply)

does the house come with the job?
I had to become caretaker of a school. worth it for a threesome.

best wishes
Ian
(wardie-slcm, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 19:33, Reply)

went up to a girl in a night club and said
"Can I smell your feet?"
Girl "no."

"Must be your cunt then!"

Did it work? No.

But her friend liked it and then she liked me for the night :)
(waxdart hello., Tue 17 Apr 2007, 19:07, Reply)

blatant lies
Was out drinking one night with a mate and got chatting to a couple of ladies. As i was smashed I told them that my mate Rob was a nuclear scientist and I was a shepard. One of the girls (neither loooked very bright) asked how we knew each other as we seemed to do completely different things. I then said we became mates when there was a radiation leak up on the hills from an unexploded bomb, and Rob came to clean it up. We didn't get anywhere with the ladies as we both collapsed with laughter at the crap I had come up with. In reality I'm an IT engineer and Rob is a painter and decorator. May have had a better chance telling them the truth.
( nikdude, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 18:57, Reply)

mnyeah
I went up to a girl and asked:
"Are you a single mother?"
When she replied "No" I asked her if she wanted to be.

surprisingly enough, it didn't work.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 18:25, Reply)

I told him he didn't need to apologise for length.
He's 32 and engaged to a 19 year old now, and he does need to apologise for length. A lot.
( Maladicta, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 17:50, Reply)

what course do you do?
i happens all to often, i get chatting to a nice looking girl when she asks the inevitable question "what course do you do?"
now being a computer science studier i am quite reluctant to answer this question as it doesnt really impress the ladies.
so i decided if i mumble the word computer ( they can think up in their head what science i'm studying) and just say *mumble* science. usually she'll say something like "environmental science?" to which i always say "of course" one time it kindof backfired tho as it turned out the lady in question also studied environmental science. managed to save it tho by saying i was at a different university and just visiting a mate. it worked out alright cos i had an ex girlfriend that took environmental science so i went to a few open days and found out what environmental science actually is.
(suboftheday, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 17:36, Reply)

sydney olympics 2000
myself and a few mates got chatting to some lovely ladies and told them we were members of the australian handball team. Thinking that nobody would have a clue who actual team were or what they looked like, we figured we were in with a chance. All was going well with many a humourous and blatently untrue story of our lives as professional sportsman being told until one of the girls asked us where we lived. Now these girls weren't mathematicians, but they were smart enough to realise that the chances of 5 olympians in the same team coming from the same sydney suburb were pretty slim.

No gold, silver or bronze medals that evening for any of us.
(Handel blah blah blah, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 17:04, Reply)

At school
I walked around all day with my trousers tucked into my socks to impress Deborah Turnbull. I was 14. My teacher called me an 'imbecile' and Deborah didn't speak to me for the next two years.

I ride a bike to work now and occasionally arrive with trousers tucked in. Just the other day, a secretary bared her breasts at me and beckoned me into the stationery cupboard for a blow job with loads of tongue action. So fuck you, Deborah Turnbull.

Actually, that last bit's not true.
(frankspencer, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 17:02, Reply)

Absolutely nothing
which probably explains why i have been single for so long.

That and the lack of width, girth, depth blah blah blah.

Actually thinking about it I might have gone from v, v, V long hair to a zero and pulled someone many many years ago
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 16:57, Reply)

Dawn
This one was rather complicated in that I spent 2 years (or was it 3) with a girl and never once had sex with her. WTF?

Her name was Dawn and she was seeing my "best" mate at college - she dumped him and ended up with me - Yay :-) Didn't even need to try.

I was 16, naive, carless and clueless so nothing really progressed far. After a while I decided to dump her, but found out that her uncle had been "a bad man" to her and the guy she knew as her dad wasn't her dad after all. She kinda flipped out and I stuck with her.

Stuck with her even when she started seeing other women - and trying to palm me off onto her friend (a man - no less) - this went on for a while until I went away to Uni.

All this time, I was a:Trying to be supportive while she dumped all over me and b:Hoping that I might get some.

I twigged eventually and left her as she was wrecking my head properly.

Didn't get any either.

Funnily enough, my anger of this has only recently subsided - and it was all 11 years ago.

No postal here :-)

Ed:No, I didn't message GlowingRoses and I'm gonna try the Rolo one some time :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 16:38, Reply)

GlowingRoses?
Err - not me. For one, she doesn't say what she a model *for*. Could be for Russian Shottputters for all we know.....

And, to keep on topic, I really did pull some girl with this one. (Will probably only make sense to the Brits)

Many moons ago I went up to a lass in a nightclub in Manchester and pulled a packet of Rollo's out of my pocket.

"I've been watching you dance" I said "And thought you should have this"

And gave her my last Rollo. She just went:

"Awwwwwe" and flung her arms around me.Result.

What she didn't know was that she was about the 5th girl I'd tried that line on that night.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 16:37, Reply)

mmmmmm
well theres sex,
sexy-love
and love.

i would pay cash for love if it was that easy

i also was willing to pay in time and effort for sex,under the delusion it was going to be sexy-love. Invariably when i noticed i was paying too hard, it was just sex. And not worth the pay-out. All the crazy stuff done never ever worked. Although the ex telling everyone i was good at cunnilingus helped me get through A-levels and was a good skill for Uni. I once went to Rugby for it, 5 hours by train to not even get a sniff. I cried for about a week because i was real hurt. And skinted.

Then the sexy-love. Priceless, yet normally asks for no price to be paid. Find this and you are made. ;-)

And be careful, one mans slut is another mans daughter. Everyone has choices of their own to make. If she chooses you, enjoy it and make sure you both have the time of your life. No regrets, no judgement.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 17 Apr 2007, 16:35, Reply)

Chaps!
How many blokes have fired off a message to GlowingRoses then? i couldn't click my mouse fast enough..............
(TheManofScience, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 16:29, Reply)

Dear Christ
in response to the many replies both through the board and the message me service I would like to say that senses of humour would appear to have been laft behind with last weeks QOTW and that we actually need a new one quite quickly!
FFS.

I want on a date last Friday, and despite the girl clearly wanting it, I wasnt interested, she is a lovely girl, but im not into quick fucks, which is what it would have been as shes off to london soon.

My apologies in advance for having a conscience, no doubt I did the wrong thing this time too eh?

*waits for a verbal diatrabe from all and sundry*
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 16:11, Reply)

Foxtons
I once dated a guy who worked for the biggest cunts in the world - Foxtons (apologies to anyone here who works for them. Surely you could have found a proper job??). Anyway, he was cute, loaded, drove a BMW rather than the regulation wanky green Mini with "Foxtons" sprawled across it with big gay flowers. In order to get him into bed, I did the insane thing of pretending to think that Foxtons was fantastic and that him droning on about his el wanko job was like music to my lugholes. Worked a treat. Turned out he was a crap shag with a painfully bent knob and despite his salary featuring several zeros after the figure 7 he was a tight-fisted bastard. Live and learn hey
(angelica666, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 16:02, Reply)

Accidental Trade
I was young free and single, living in London, scraping a small wage but enjoying occasional nights out on the (then) glittering London Gay Scene in the mid-90s.
One evening, in a favoured West-End venue, the proceedings were unusually finessed.

I arrived moments before the witching hour when they started charging the entrance fees, bought one drink, walked to the dance floor to have a look at the gyrations. After two minutes, I leaned forward to get a better view - and my lips happened to brush the beautiful torso of a passing muscle mary. Mistaking this for a rather forward come-on, he smiled, I smiled, he chatted, I chatted and two minutes later we left for my flat.

Cost of getting into club - nil; Cost of lubricating drink - £3; The guileless absence of the extortion and games in this week's other posts - priceless!

At least up to this point....

The evening got better as I climbed into his glamorous Merc parked conveniently nearby, and he drove me home - top down, music full-on. None of the usual waiting for the nightbus, or trying to get a cab. We made a pretty glamorous pair as we parked in a well-lit side street near my Hackney flat and ascended for a memorable night of athletic rumpy-pumpy. You could have bounced pennies off every inch of naked flesh! I had been until recently, and was again - in Heaven.

We woke up next morning both of us pleasantly tired but glowing. Blissful! Washed and refreshed we ambled down, planning to get a leisurely breakfast - until the moment he let out a very high pitched squeal ( ..proper mary he turned out to be!)

His car had gone.

We spent the next tortuous hour discovering that a. Hackney council had introduced parking restrictions for the very first time in that area - at 2pm the previous day, b. he'd been towed, and c. it was going to cost £110 to get his car back!!

I remember an awkward conversation in which I feebly excused myself for not knowing about the new fines, a short walk to my nearest cash point and the very distinct flip-flop in my stomach as I handed over the £55 I couldn't afford... you could get proper trade for half that!!

Means we both paid dearly for that night of passion - so easy, so straightfoward, so memorable - and oh, so costly!!

Length, girth and everything else - unspeakably large and firm for a first post!
(Bergamot B , has not been to the office since, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 15:59, Reply)

*chuckles*
Okay, unstabledan, so WOMEN are all prickteases and slags?

Just because we won't sleep with you? Or because we WILL sleep with you? Make your mind up.

*groans*

Grow up, go have a shower, and learn how to swallow your massive superiority complex.

If girls wanted to spend all their time catering to the whims and moods of the average male, we would never have had the suffragette movement.

Anyway, this rant only applies to the portion of the male population that adhere to the ladder theory as an excuse for why they can't get dates.

That is all.

Back to the subject. I travelled all the way from Milton Keynes to Bath with the flu on a coach (which takes 7 hours) at age fifteen 3/4, lying to my mother and incurring much wrath when she found out 3 months later.
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 15:54, Reply)

I'm sensitive, me
I can't distinguish between love and lust. Or rather, I couldn't, until I became 25 and cynical.

As a sixteen year old, I sent a letter to my fancy at school, effectively declaring my lurve for her, I was traumatised when I discovered what a cow she was. Even the fucking teachers knew!

Then at uni I spent two years hung up on my ex, when I really should have been on my hedonistic shag fest like everyone else. In hindsight, I went to incredible lengths to *avoid* women. What on earth was I thinking?
(destrasinistra, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 15:31, Reply)

I once spent all my wages
on Whiskas, rattly toys and catnip.

And I still didn't get any pussy.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 14:51, Reply)

What was I thinking?
As a youngster I always had more male friends that laydees. This was fine until puberty ruined everything and perfectly normal friendships became sullied by the thought of losing your v-plates and telling your mates about it...it coincided that I met my first proper boyfriend around this time. He was from the secondary school at the next town and our relationship flourished.

Throughout years 10, 11, 12 and 13 we stayed together but because we were at different schools I spent the majority of my days hanging out with the boys and flirting like a hooker.There was one particular guy who i fancied, but I never did anything about it. I knew he liked me too, but both of us had people in the picture and it would have just been plain weird.

Fast forward five years and we bumped into eachother - I was pretty hammered and it was just like old times. We were both single....the chemistry was still there and I made the on-the spot decision that I simply had to have him.

I'd just come back from spending some time on the continent and I was thinking that this would be an ideal opportunity to taste the forbidden fruit and get some good British beef back on the menu. However I didn't realise that I would have to almost completely change my personality and "excessive" drinking habits in order to get regualar sex out of him.

Needless to say, The "relationship" was doomed from the onset, but neither of us wanted to admit that this was a pretty big error. I wanted drunken fun, he wanted commitment and to knock every ounce of confidence out of me at evey given opportunity.

Shortly after this affair began, I realised that I had to do something to end it. The sex was poor to average at best and I started to notice that his teeth looked quite green under certain lights. He also watched everything I drank, like some kind of alchol monitor - to the point where I actually just gave up booze completely. This was not something I wanted in my life.

Two days before Christmas, I called him and told him it was over then went out and got off with some random lad from the place I was working. I felt a million times better without him in my life.

I've only seen him once since, at the petrol station buying chocolate eclairs. That's the last thing that fat bastard needed, but I suppose you don't really find humilty, passion and sexual stamina at filling stations do you?
(madamebonsoir, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 14:29, Reply)

My course
As soon as I tell a girl I do Molecular biology, they instantly lose any interest in talking to me. The only exception to the rule was when talking to a girl who actually did the same course as me.
I need to start lying about what I do.
(I have a face also had a sig on, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 14:00, Reply)

hard work
i have a particular type and probably in a different league. I'm getting pretty good at some things though. To date i have had to:

-send pictures (i used ones of my 12 year niece)
-monitor myspace for the latest groups
-watch kids TV to keep up to date with that sort of thing
-order schoolbooks online on the latest schools curriculum, you wouldnt believe how different things are these days, its really easy to get caught out on little details like that
-buy TONS of those pre-pay credit cards - great for access to some specialist sites
-learn to send txts properly
-learn to use carefully placed typos - a nice touch sometimes
-monitor various newsgroups for possible police activity
-learn about anonymising proxies and TOR.
-monitor the high street clothes shops for current trends
-know all the little routes they use to get to and from schools, google maps is excellent for finding the really secluded places
-learn that Lime is your best friend.
-buy a really good hammer after i broke the wooden handled ones
-learn that in the world of drills, a cordless one under £50 is absolutely going to fail you, and usually in a forest, miles from anywhere.
-
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 13:57, Reply)

Check the goods before you make the purchase
Working in a supermarket was so dull that I managed to convince myself I had a crush on this arrogant wanker in the produce section. Obsessions tend to grow and, eventually, we were flirting unashamedly, to the point where he actually kissed me.

I promptly broke up with the bloke I was living with in dull but comfortable circumstances and moved into a tiny room in a shared house. It was horrible.

And yes, arrogant wanker in the produce aisle turned out to have a tiny dick and dumped me for his Danish internet sweetheart on New Year's Eve. He also turned out to be a Neo-Nazi with a (small, but raging) hard-on for Nickelback, Puddle Of Mudd, and all those other generic bands who have no future save providing WWE with generic theme tunes.

To get this guy back (why bother?!), I tried sleeping with his friends, sleeping with him casually, flirting with every other guy in the supermarket, everything.

Oh, and the other stupid thing I've done to get laid was travel from Portsmouth to Coventry to meet this guy I only knew from the phone and internet. This one thankfully had a nice big dick, was willing to learn what he didn't know, and was so ace that I married him, after that initial trip to Cov, when I returned to Portsmouth afterwards having shagged him 19 times.
(firemasque, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 13:30, Reply)