On the farm.
A lorry driver turns up to deliver some cement and my mate, the farmer, greeted him and showed him up through the yard to where the concrete was to be poured.
He mucked in along with a worker on the farm to get it all poured.
The lorry driver must have assumed the farmer was also just a worker as he passed comment on the yard.

Driver: Look at the state of this place. Bit of a bloody mess isn't it eh lads?

Mate: Hmmm, do you own a farm?

Driver: No.

Mate: Well shut the fuck up then.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 8:54, Reply)

At a comedy gig
The comedian was obviously trying out some new material and, sadly, it was largely falling flat. He started off on another joke to try to recoup his losses:

Comedian: "Do you know who we should send to Iraq? The most feared, terrible, unstoppable force known to the modern world?"

Heckler: "THE A TEAM!"

Comedian (chuckling): "There's only four of them!"

Heckler: "THEY'RE STILL A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH!"
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 8:09, 4 replies)

Heckler at a Dubliners Gig ca. 1966: "Hey, woolly head....get on with it ya woolly head...!"
Luke Kelly: "At least mine is only woolly on the outside!"
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 7:54, Reply)

Look at me, posting a qotw!!
So I'd thought make my friends giggle with the good old black adder piece. As I turned to the resident imbicile, knowing full well he wasn't savvy enough to get the reference, I was not prepared for the astounding comeback that put me squarely in my place...

'Oi, tw*t!" I began, "what starts with 'come here' and ends with 'Ouch'?"
a momentary pause, just the right length to be classed as perfect timing...

"I don't know... Your love life?"

I like to think he didn't realise the hillarity, and just got lucky.
(Virulent, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 6:33, Reply)

Overheard during a lunchtime in Glasgow...
Girl, quite good looking, dressed well with what I presumed to be her lunch in a Greggs Bakery bag was running across the road next to a building site...

From one of the scaffolders "Dinnae run like that hen, ye'll boil yer water"

Retort from the girl "Well you'll no be scalding yer fucking balls on it anyway"

Win!
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 5:25, 2 replies)

Playing pool in the SU the other day
Someone on one of the other tables shouted over "Come and see this game mate, it's like Ronnie O'Sullivan!"

Replying "You mean full of nervous breakdowns and latent alcoholism?" may not have been the best idea.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 4:21, Reply)

Bob & Brian
My mate, Bob, was stood outside a London hostelry one evening when who should walk by on the other side of the street, if not the legend that is Brian Blessed?

Bob, being a bit of a lad, shouts "Gordon's Alive" at the top of his voice, just as Brian disappears around the corner - to the amusement of his drinking buddies.

As the laughter died down, Brian re-appeared back around the corner and at the top of HIS voice, shouted;

"CCCCCCUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT!!!!".

Surely the best celebrity put-down?
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 3:33, 5 replies)

I know it's a twist on an old joke, but it was very fitting at the time...
A couple of friends and I were exchanging barbs at the expense of some wannabe goth scene kiddie and his equally emblackened girlfriend. The guy couldn't take our snickering anymore and raised his voice.

"What are YOU looking at?"

I couldn't resist
"I once got really shitfaced in Baltimore and fucked a raven. I thought you might be my kid."
(thanatos, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 3:05, 8 replies)

Clowns

A mate of mine was at the circus when a clown decided to use him as his fall guy. Clown somersaults across the ring and ends up in front of my mate:

"Tell me sir - are you the front end of an ass?"

"No" growls mate

"Then are you the backend of an ass"

"No"

"Then, sir, you must be no end of an ass!!" cries the clown triumphantly.

"Fuck off you red-nosed cunt"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 1:26, 16 replies)

Sort of on topic.
I was drinking in an after hours bar in Bankok which was full of wide boy boiler room types.

One of them took exception to me, and started asking about how much money my parents had, and what type of school I went to. After discovering my parents are very middle class, and I went to a prep scool, he went on a rant about how he was a self made man, one of him are worth ten of me and no one ever puts one over on him. Nice, coming from a 'man' who made a living conning pensioners out of their life savings.

This went on for a while with him repeating over and over again how savvy he was.

So, for the rest of the night whenever I ordered a drink, I popped the bill into his bill pot when he wasn't looking. About ten Johhny Walker Blacks later, I got up and left. I didn't say goodbye.

Edit: I just read this back, and it's not sort of on topic at all. Fuck it, I like the story.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 0:16, Reply)

I have delivered and received many good quality putdowns over the years....
....but this one from my girlfriend to me the other day has had me in stitches:

"I'd be really disappointed if I had to go out in your clothes"

she swears she meant the concept as female having to wear mens clothes that wouldn't show her feminine form or something like that......I have since filled several charity bags......
(Juan King the Spanish pimp, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 0:06, Reply)

"So....are your nuts cold enough then?"
Said to a mate of mine, who was sat next to me at the cinema and who was invading my personal space somewhat.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 23:51, 2 replies)

A comedian to a heckler
He'd been pointedly ignoring the guy for a few minutes, but eventually shook his head in disappointment and said "Mate, you've got it the wrong way round - the idea is to make ME look like a cunt."
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 23:24, 1 reply)

A rather sturdy female friend of mine...
... had "fat cow" shouted at her by some council house reprobate whilst walking down the street.

She stopped, sighed, and said "Your mum's a slag, and you've got no dad."

At which point to her amazement (and amusement) the little fucker started blubbing.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 23:08, 1 reply)

Some pre-teen ruffian
spouted out "GOTH!" at me as I was walking past. Then asked if I was a goth.
I then asked if their mum got pregnancy discount at Booze Buster's.

Complete silence.
( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 22:54, 6 replies)

not exactly devastating..
..but I found chucklesome.
I used to work for a telecom company (a british one) in the very busy faults department for a (really shite) product called home highway. There was an older guy named Tom (he was a very laid back, dry type of fellow)
.. one rather busy afternoon Tom stands up, slams the phone down and proclaims in a rather loud voice, before making his exit:
"How can I soar like an eagle, when I'm surrounded by turkeys!!"
( DanGleeballs Moist people don't notice spelling errors..., Thu 24 Nov 2011, 22:50, 1 reply)

Coming to a cashier's defence
I find myself in line behind a customer who had been as abusive to the cashier as he could without actually winding up in jail, so as he turned to leave I stepped up and told her:
"Two is SUCH a hard age"

He lost what was left of his control, knocked over a display as he turned to sputter at me but:
"YOU - - - STUPID!"
Was all he could get out before marching off.
(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 22:33, 1 reply)

Old Shep

(rogers nelson is the unexpected item in your bagging area, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 22:12, 2 replies)

Had to sit a test for an interview very very recently (ie last week)
for a position in a new team in out Department. Sat the first test which was a bastard, but answered what I can.

A few days later a few people with a few unexpected names get offered the job, but not I (although there was another team following them up a few weeks later and it looked likely I'd made that team).

A few days after that test however one of the managers who was meant to be manning this new venture was suddenly suspended pending an enquiry and me and a select few were made to re-sit a different test. Turned out that he'd hand-picked a few select members of staff already and gave these select few all the answers so he'd have the best team possible. Except he got caught.

With the new Business clients in the office this week who are overseeing this new team and all the egg-shell walking that the current senior management are doing to avoid having to talk about the suspension going on, I guess when I was asked about if I was prepared for the 2nd test and me replying "Well there was no way I was going to pay for two sets of answers, you can fuck right off" in front of the aforementioned client was probably not a good move in retrospect. Oh well, there's always cleaning the bogs I suppose (most probs get paid more for that).
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 22:11, 1 reply)

Pissed up....wearing a long black dress.....red wig.....in Newcastle....on my stag
Some local takes exception to my "cosmopolitan" attitude and in front of the entire stag doo comes over to me and full on gives me a load of shit. I, after a fair few shandy's at this point, attempt to enter into negociation with the wee scamp as I admired his attempt at a moustache and the daring combo with a topman shirt. I vocally expressed my admiration. He no happy and popped me on square on the nose, to which I retorted "you're supposed to knock me out not touch me up". Poor lad ran off confused as hell, pausing only to throw coins at me, soon after he was chased off by 20 of my mates.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 21:55, 18 replies)

"Here bro, where's that tenner you owe me?"
"You wot?" mugged my brother.

"That ten quid for the bet you just lost"

"Wotchoo on abaht?" he said, turning to me and giving me a full-on Thames Estuary leer. At this point the two other blokes at the bar, and the barmaid, were looking on to see where this going.

"I told you," I said, pointing at the current news item on the pub's TV, "that the Spice Girls would get back together before your ex-wife's legs would."
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 21:27, 1 reply)

Warning: may contain cats
There is the quick put down, the witty put down, the deliciously bitchy put down, and of course the ubiquitous perfect put down that you thought of after the event. All good. But how about the Freudian put down? Neither intended by the supplier, nor immediately recognised by the recipient. It speaks from subconscious to subconscious until, at some uncertain future point, dawns the devastating realisation of what was really said…

Many years ago a few friends were gathered in a front room, wine was consumed and pleasant conversation was passed. Meeting the group for the first time was Michael, the new beau of one of our own. To be honest we were suspicious; we suspected he was taking advantage of a trusting nature and that hurt would inevitably ensue. We were protective and we didn’t like to see our friend played for a fool. However he was a guest and we kept the collective claws sheathed.

Pus-Pus on the other hand didn’t. Objecting to Michael’s advances with a feisty feline one-two she made her feelings plain.

Laughing it off, he announced to the room “I don’t know why but cats just don’t seem to like me”

And with no conscious thought Guy immediately replied

“Yes. They say cats can be very perceptive”
( custardthehedgehog, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 21:06, Reply)

three
"Go suck your mum" - from Attack the Block had me in giggles, (mind you so did the whole film).

"You touch your mum" - was a put down to a heckle I heard at some comedy club a decade or so ago.

"You sound like you did not get enough breast milk as a child" is something I use online against the inevitable nerd rage wankers that are out there. Followed by typing "Bitty?" to everything else said thereafter. Childish - Yes.
( sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 20:57, 10 replies)

Teacher V Student
At the end of every year in school there was a debate between the final years and the teachers, which was generally an excuse for both sides to rip the piss out of each other. Every year the students won, because the other years were the ones who voted and they wouldn't be seen dead voting for the teachers.

When my year came around, one of the Speakers, Fergal (a tit whose speech mostly consisted of stolen Tommy Cooper jokes), tried to heckle his geography teacher with the line "Dad, Why don't you love me?"

Quick as a flash Mr Moran replied "Because I still feel guilty about the conception".




That year the teachers won.
(FondaAccord, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 20:42, Reply)

Arguing about films with my very right-on feminist sister
Baiting her mercilessly as always;

"All films should have women with huge tits" I suggested "and lasers and spaceships, but most of all gorgeous women with large breasts"

"You're such a moron" she sputtered "you wouldn't know a serious film director if he kicked you in the crotch"

"I would too" I replied "I'm very edumacated me!"

"Oh yeah? Name ONE decent director, a SINGLE ONE who can make a film without using stereotypical male fantasies of women who are nothing more than a carriage for large mammaries????"

"Awesome Swells" quoth I and my poor sis had to sit there red faced and fuming while the family guffawed.

I love my sis
( simbosan liked your link on, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 20:35, 1 reply)

Used to own a big square ramshackle camper van, built from an old tipper truck. Great fun.
Outside my brother's house one day, his neighbour backed a van into my camper and bent the metal strut off one corner of it.

'Oh no!' I cried, 'He stuffed my funky strut!'

The opposite of a put-down really as everyone laughed and the situation was defused, but my brother was gutted. I'd said it and he could only wish he'd thought of it. Heh.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 20:25, 4 replies)

A guy I used to work for...
...once old me that he was at a comedy show and got up to go to the toilet. The comedian instantly pounced and shouted "where the fuck are you going?" to which my mate replied "for a piss before the comedian comes on". He told me the guy didn't know what to say to that. I don't know if it's true or not, but I thought I'd share.
(Plumstix has been spying on you since, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 20:08, Reply)