When someone is singing along to something
"who sings that again?"

"Oh it's (name of artist)"

"let's try to keep it that way, yeah"


Has been used on more than one occasion to great effect. It's my ambition to say it to a stranger on a bus or something
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 13:56, 6 replies)

A recent conversation with my boyfriend
*music blares from my boyfriend's computer*
Me: I never would have heard of Okkervil River if it wasn't for you.
Boyfriend: Oh? [pleased grin emerges]
Me: I wish it had stayed that way. Your presence in my life has certainly been a mixed blessing.
(ridethefader, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 13:43, Reply)

On the birth of The Boy (See vid in /links)

To a bloke at work...

Me: "He's handsome, just like his dad."

Him: "Any idea who that is yet?"





My favorite to use is the following...

"Me, I don't care what the others say, I think you're alright."


A lot of these come from construction sites. One digger driver who had a reputation for hitting cables, pipes and drains earned the nickname 'The Priest'...because he never missed a service.
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 13:36, Reply)

My mum insults herself
In the delightful era of "your mum jokes" the variation "like your mum's face" started getting bantered around. Now my mum is quite crazy (not in the insane way but it's probably only a matter of time).

me: Oh no, the bottom of my jumper has gone all baggy
Mum: Like your mum's face
me: ....
Mum: Bugger

I once also said "like your mum's face" to her follwing a suitable line, to which she pretended to start crying before sobbing out "my mum's dead. Fetch me a gin." Which I did.
Well played mother... well played.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 13:18, 1 reply)

Hoist by his own petard.
We were having a loud discussion in our office about a French woman who had recently had a face transplant after suffering severe burns.

One old boy, Brian was a gnarled old hack who was verging on alcoholic but hugely popular. He was by his own admission extremely ugly having falen on his face drunk too many times.

The office bully, Thommo was a fat misogynist with a face like a Ribena berry. He shouted across a busy office "Brian, good news for you mate, you can have a face transplant"

Quick as a flash, without looking up Brian shouts back "Knowing my luck Thommo I'll get yours"

Cue much hilarity as everyone turns to laugh at Thommo who turns a darker shade of purple.
(Barnetboy, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Before my time but, 'During The War....... '
I sound like "Uncle Albert " from Only Fools and Horses don't I? A tale from my late father who was a farmer. The neighbouring farmer was noted as being 'a bit rough and ready' to say the least ( Think The Dingle's from "Emmerdale", loud and coarse and definitely not to be trusted, the sort of bloke that would send a .22 rifle bullet whizzing over your head before shouting 'git offa ma land!" ) Between the two farms ran a stream, not very wide, but too wide to jump over. Dad was talking to this neighbour one morning over the stream when another guy from the same village turned up. The neighbour said something to the guy about the closest that he and my dad ever seemed to get was either side of that stream . Quick as a flash the guy looked across at my dad, gave him a wink and said very loudly "Aye, this dyke is like The English Channel isn't it ( insert my Dad's name)? It's worth at least a thousand pounds a gallon !" Dad said you should have seen the look on the neighbour's face.
(Mackeson_drinker, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 12:27, 1 reply)

James McNeill Whistler
The Guy who was famous for painting his mum. He was at a party and during a conversation with someone he must have something very witty because Oscar Wilde who happened to be in the same room said "Oh, I wish I had said that!" Whistler's reply? "You will, Oscar, you will!"
(Mackeson_drinker, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 12:03, 3 replies)

Paternity NOT in doubt
Back when I was a wee one, my mum and step-dad attend a parents' meeting at school. My step-dad makes an intervention during the discussions, which is greeted with some heckling. One particularly stinging comment was "why in this man here, when he's not even the father?".

Cue the mother of all put-downs by snarky step-dad: “unlike every other man present, I can be 100% certain that they are not my children".
(DominusVobiscum My crack dealers are angels, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 11:26, 7 replies)

Not sure if it's funny but it worked
A teacher I knew had this response to an obnoxiously disruptive 15-year-old girl in his class who stated in front of the whole group that it was obvious the teacher fancied her:

"XXX, you have made a very serious accusation. Not only have you accused me of being a paedophile, but also you are suggesting that I have communicated my alleged illegal and immoral desires to you. If what you say were proved to be true, I would lose not only my job but my career. I would get a criminal record and maybe even do time. I would certainly have to move a long way away so as not to get beaten up or have my house vandalised. So if I were prepared to risk all that to get a girl half my age, don't you think I'd at least go for one of the pretty ones?"

She had no comeback, the class laughed at her and she hardly caused any trouble after that.
(eesnahk, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 11:11, 5 replies)

I went out to a bar
and crudely insulted a woman. Ha ha. High fives!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 10:51, 3 replies)

You've got a face like a burnt thong!
Can also be replaced with "dropped pie!"
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 26 Nov 2011, 10:44, 14 replies)

My mum, not your mum
Mum was from Yorkshire, a land where rudeness has long been recognised as both high art and mortal combat.

She was at some charity gathering, affectionally abusing her friends. One of the posh cows who like to batten on dogooding to make their empty lives less meaningless said "you're very outspoken, aren't you dear?".

Mum: "In Yorkshire, we like to tease those we care about. It shows that we reckon they can take it."

"But you don't do it to me".

"No, I don't, do I?"
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Easily confused
I was out for a friends birthday and there was a chap there I'd never met before. He was dull as hell and was the type of person who thought that turning everything you said back into a question at you made him look clever.

It didn't, it made him look like a dick.

Anyway, here's where I totally gave up with him.

Him: How are you doing
Me: Fair to middling
Him: Is that just a standard response from you?
Me: (starting to think he has a brain) Yes it is.
Him: Why do you say that then?
Me: To confuse idiots
Him: What do you mean by that.

I walked away with my moral triumph and ignored him for the rest of the night
(ShaftManlike, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 9:13, Reply)

I might be stupid but at least I'm ugly.

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 9:04, Reply)

And so's your face!

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 8:09, Reply)

Weirdest Put Down
I;m off to the football later today, and it made me think of a shout that came from some bloke in the crowd a couple of weeks ago. We were playing Northampton Town, and they have a hefty load of a forward, Adebayo Akinfenwa. The bloke looks like he's more suitable to Sumo than Soccer. Start of the second half, and he's in front of our fans behind the goal we're defending for the first time in the match and the inevitable abuse starts. There were simple insults, crude insults, funny insults:

'oi; fatboy, have a diet'

'You fat fucking cunt'

'Stop running, you're making the ground shake'

'Don't fall over, you'll cause an after shock in Turkey'

But then, the one that caused all 500 people in ear shot to go 'Hhahah...wait...what?'

'Oi, Fatty, everytime you fall over I need to go to the toilet'.

If anyone can explain what that last person may have meant, please do, because I'm still confused.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 7:58, 9 replies)

"No, YOU shut up"
Was my glorious put-down. If only I had've thought of it 20 minutes earlier when I was having a row and not while i was not weeping and punching a pillow. Ahh, to be eight again!
(El_diablo_blanco, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 7:51, Reply)

My friend
...is a bit of a smartarse, quite frankly. The riposte-ee in question is another friend's girlfriend, who thinks that she is smarter than everyone else. She's always banging on about literature and how none of her friends are very well read, yet if you do attempt to engage her on the subject it often becomes clear that she hasn't actually read very many books. For example, she often enthuses about H.P. Lovecraft yet recently admitted to a friend that she has not actually read any of his works. She also pronounces the word 'protagonist' as 'pro-ta-GOAN-ist'.

She, a law/arts student, recently posted a Facebook status update which said "Time spent preparing for Criminal Procedure: 4.5 days. Time spent studying English lit: 2 hours. Arts degree, this is why nobody takes you seriously." My friend, who has a Master's degree in the Arts field himself, responded, "Then again, you can't even pronounce 'protagonist', so a few more hours probably would not have gone astray."
(ridethefader, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 7:50, Reply)

Giving up
Almost forty years ago a friend of mine who looked sixteen, but was actually in her twenties was on the tube when a man exposed himself to her.
Her response?
"No thanks; i've just put one out."
(tobyralph, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 6:10, 1 reply)

at corporation in sheffield
as i was casually enjoying my £1.50 bottle of carlsburg from a plastic cup (thanks entirely to the meatheads who think its fun to chug bottles of newcastle brown and then smash them on the floor while shouting yeah and headbutting each other)at the edge of the dance floor when some drippy (in other words half my size) fresher starts bumping into me and trying to mosh leading to that most sinful of sins (especially when the pints were over priced so as a student the only option was little bottles and lots of them)

beer spillage

he was quickly put in his place when i grabbed him, pulled him closer and simply shouted "fuck off" as loudly as i could manage into his little ear. within seconds he was was off with his tail between his legs as i contemplated whether to start queuing for the bar again now or when i finished what was left of my drink
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 0:22, 4 replies)

Impatient driver
About 30 years ago, I was about eight and a half months pregnant, feeling like shite and lumbering slowly across a zebra crossing. This stupid impatient woman (who looked like Mary Whitehouse) hooted her horn at me and made 'hurry up' gestures, so I stopped right in front of her car and slowly gave her a very large deliberate V, then continued to the other side with as much dignity as I could muster. She was so angry she stalled her engine, causing the driver behind her to hoot in annoyance. Best part was that it was school chucking-out time so it was witnessed by a lot of giggling schoolkids.

All without saying a word.
(grumpy old ratbag, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 23:57, Reply)

At a party
I was having my ear bent by a friend of the hostess, who was busy complaining she couldn't stand being referred to as her husband's "other half."

"I'm not a half!" she bleated.
"Of course not, you're a whole..." I replied.

To her drunken credit, she did pause for a few seconds trying to process this, before changing subjects.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 23:49, Reply)

Tipsy old folk
A few Christmasses ago, 70something friends of my in-laws were over for a post-Chrimbo dinner sherry. One of the other slightly-younger-but-still older lot there starts telling terrible "blue" jokes.

Someone then offers a really poor joke about older people having sex, and everyone, slightly rat-arsed, gives a cheeky nod to this couple, who were the eldest people there. She has a titter and says something to the effect of "It's been a while, but not as long as you lot think!"

He shifts uncomfortably and says nothing for a few seconds, and then blurts out gruffly: "well your insides are like wicker these days, love".
(dandelionburdock, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 23:07, Reply)

Sex
Me: Dam this is good.
Her: Hurry up.
(fire_exit, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 22:52, Reply)

'I don't want to talk to you no more,
you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.'


bindun?
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 22:50, 8 replies)

At cyclists on the pavement
"Does your mam not let you ride on the road"
(Littlesirjohn sprung up his head and so amazed them all., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 22:26, Reply)

Friend of mine from school....
who was so flat-chested she makes Tamara Beckwith look like Jordan, was asked by a boy "are you wearing a bra?" and she replied "Yes, why?"
"Exactly"
( Sallyrsm, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 22:22, Reply)

Sex
Me: Dam that was good.
Her: You didn't last long.
(fire_exit, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 22:20, Reply)

My ex-g/f and my nan...
... had a weird relationship. The ex- was pretty sensitive about her appearance, and particularly her weight. (She wasn't fat - when we'd met she was a size eight, although she did get a *little* bit bigger, what with all the fine dining I treated to, yeah, right, etc.) My nan, on the other hand, had apparently had a tact-ectomy some time in the fifties. About the fifth time they met, she greeted my other half with the immortal line "Gosh, haven't you put on weight?"

At this point I held my breath, as the ex- was also prone to the occasional violent alcoholic outburst, and on this occasion had needed some dutch courage to build up to visiting my nan... I was braced for pretty much anything.

I wasn't ready, however, for: "Well, you look really old, but at least I can go on a diet."

...

And they both fell about laughing, and got on really well from that day on.

I miss them both.
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 22:18, Reply)

A guy I worked with
So a friend of mine is at a party, where he stumbles upon a guy who passed out.
"Some one should look after him." he says to anouther party goer who's also looking at the passed out man.
"Well I'm not, it's his fault." declares his co-observer.
"Has he got a girlfriend or something?" asks my friend.
"Girlfriend?! Mate, he hasn't even got a playstation."

I've met few people who find this as funny as me.
(Mong goose, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 22:03, Reply)