Ashamed of doing? Nothing!
I've done nothing with my penis.
www.sexisforfags.com/
(Helixdaunting, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 0:37, Reply)

Work experience in a horse Artificial Insemination company
Down in Shropshire. Grabbing a horse wang and putting it in a bottle to collect spunk as it's mounting a dummy.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 0:22, Reply)

Welsh Horses and Hungry Dogs. NSFW.
Pony trekking in North Wales, aged about 12, with my four year old brother. We're in the courtyard of some stables, and Im idly admiring the semi the chestnut horse has raised, apropos of nothing. As Im watching, a dog toddles over, and employing a technique that suggests this is a practised manouevre, starts licking the cock, which in turn, swells to a tumescent that would render Ron Jeremy inadequate. At that point, my brother walks over, and fearing his corruption, reach over and whack the dog on the muzzle to stop his/her perverted ways. In doing so, I caught the helmet of the horse cock, and got for my troubles a little squirt of equine pre-cum, which I had no chance to wash off before donning riding gloves, and spending the rest of the morning trotting round with a drying horror pressed between suede and flesh, like a spunky Lady Macbeth.

My brother, now 29, remains unscarred. I however, flinch at the Grand National.
(trumplefahrt, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:57, 1 reply)

Sadly,
the non-disclosure agreement I signed won't allow for me to post my story.

And it is such a good story too.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:51, 1 reply)

Whilst we're at it
Reading the url for the first time for this, I was wondering what was going on. My first thought wasn't dick jokes.

I am ashamed to inform you all my first thought was actually about the programming language.

I worry about myself sometimes.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:50, 2 replies)

OK, so this is a pearoast...
...but it's the only relevant one I can think of right now.

I guess it wasn't so much the fact that I involved my penis in this, but the fact that it happened at all - the penis bit just exacerbates it I think.

I went off to boarding school at the age of 11, and at the end of our first term we had a house Christmas party. This involved each section of the house putting on a 15 minute "entertainment" for the benefit of everyone else.

Somehow the young, gullible Mr Dillow was persuaded to do one sketch by myself, based on an article in the Monty Python Papperbok.

And so I went onto the makeshift stage, with my 11-year-old self dressed only in a blazer, wellington boots, and a pair of Y-fronts. With my right hand on the inside of said Y-fronts, visibly moving about. And I began a 2-minute monologue:

"Masturbation - the difficult one. Some people find it difficult to talk about. Others find it difficult to do..."

I can't remember the whole of the speech (no doubt my memory is trying to protect me from something), but I do remember that it ended with me giving a helpline number for anyone experiencing difficulties in the wanking department.

Of course, this was all played out not just in front of about fifty 11-15 year old boys, all of whom were howling with laughter, but the housemaster and other house staff, including Matron. And the school chaplain. And the headmaster's wife.

Over twenty years on I still can't think of it without physically cringing.
(Armour Dillow, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:46, 1 reply)

um, well...
being a lady, i don't have a biological one, but i did once attack my girlfriend's housemate with her strap-on, because he was being a disgusting perve.
good times.
by which i mean, i try not to think about it.
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:45, Reply)

Fluffed operations and incontinence nappies.
Apologies for the lack of hummus in advance. Also, be warned, there is some fairly unpleasant penile jiggery pokery.

Two years ago or so I had to go in to hospital for an operation on my ear. It should have been a relatively simple procedure taking about an hour in theatre and, if all went well I was told I would be home the same evening.

The operation didn’t go quite according to plan and I spent 3 hours in the theatre, during which time the anaesthetist managed to stop watching me long enough that both my lungs collapsed, filled with fluid and I went into mild cardiac arrest.

Anyhow, to remove the fluid from my lungs they gave me a massive diuretic and inserted a whopping 7.3mm catheter into little Mr Anthropos. Luckily I was too out of it to notice the discomfort of the catheter going in (chaps will wince when they check on a ruler how wide 7.3mm is in comparison to the oriental gentleman’s eye). I was transferred into intensive care and given loads of morphine which was quite a pleasant counterpoint to having a massive tube rammed down your cock.

Fast forward a couple of days and they want to take the catheter out, great I thought as I had been confined to bed until this point. The catheter was removed by a (rather attractive) nurse and all was well again. Until about half an hour later.

Having such a large catheter in for a couple of days stretches all the gentlemanly tubing and the muscles that close the bladder stop working properly. So as soon as piss arrived in my bladder, it stayed there for all of about 3 nanoseconds before it exited my cock by which point resembled the channel tunnel.

I rather sheepishly pointed this out to the (rather attractive) nurse who had to wash me down and fetched an incontinence nappy for me.

I felt utterly humiliated, sat in a nappy surrounded by sick, dying people with a leaky cock. So there we have it, I pissed the bed, had to have a hot nurse wipe me down and wear a nappy.

At least I know what it will be like to be old and living in a nursing home.

Length? I had to wear the nappy for about 3 days.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:50, 3 replies)

I gave mine the name
'my mother.'

'You know Jenny...I'd like you to meet my mother.'

(sounds better in a John Malkovich voice).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:19, Reply)

I have to resist levity at times of passion
Like many B3tans, I frequently get the urge to make silly remarks at inopportune moments. The problem is that they tend to be a bit obscure. For example, when things are getting a bit naughty in our darkened bedroom and matters are arising, I have to suppress the temptation to say in the voice of Kristatos from For Your Eyes Only, 'We have a visitor down below'.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 22:07, Reply)

i don't have one of my own so..
this story was told to myself and a group of friends by our friend B who was slightly intoxicated at the time.

one night while home alone B had been for a shower and had noticed that something had decided to stand up for a bit. so instead of doing what you would expect, B became curious as to the less obvious practical uses for his penis......the male population of this site may be pleased to know that your penis can also make a handy towel rack.

oh and i've lost count of the amount of times i've heard the "tucking it between my legs to pretend i'm a girl" theory.
(i eat crayons, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:54, 2 replies)

Giving it the gift of sentience,
allowing it to apply for the job of Head of Comedy at Channel 4, and allowing it to approve the hiring (and subsequent heavy rotation) of Justin Lee Collins, Alan Carr and Russell Brand.

For that I can do naught but apologise.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:53, 3 replies)

I first discovered that masturbation isn't considered socially acceptable
one morning in my granny's bed.

'What are you doing?' she asked in some horror.
'It feels nice when I stop', I explained (I hadn't quite got the principle of the orgasm yet)

/obligatory comedy lie
I was 26 at the time.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:51, 1 reply)

Ode To A Penis..
I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.


It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight;
A purple love machine.


It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.


It has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy;
You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you're male.
(Code of Post lives at the moment in time that is..., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:43, 2 replies)

Judging from some of the answers on here, I'm quite orthodox.
Then again, I've always had a thing for Jewish girls.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:42, 1 reply)

I once knew a man
who wanted to put his gentleman in to my lady area. Filthy sod.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:29, 6 replies)

Your mum.
I couldn't even tell if I was in. 'Wizard's sleeve' just doesn't cover it- 'Blackwall Tunnel' would be closer to the mark.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:13, 3 replies)

Helmet helmet
I was lounging in bed one Sunday morning. Ms Hanky got up to have a slash.

When she got back she found me playing with my cock. Nothing new there. Only not playing with it in that sense.

I'd picked up the little tin case those mini apple pies come in, as we'd been munching a load of them the night before in bed. I'd fashioned a lovely helmet for my chap and was talking to it in a fucking perfect (if I do say so) faux Spanish accent:

"Giants! Giants! Everywhere! Come on Sancho Panza! CHHAARRGGGEEE!!!"

Ms Hanky looked down at me and smirked knowingly: "Are you a roundhead or a cavalier?"

I went to respond but she cut me short: "I'm going to make some coffee, you moron."

God, I love that woman!



(Oh, and I'm a cavalier - always wondered how roundheads wank, to be honest. Must be a fucking nightmare).
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:10, 3 replies)

I once made one cry
but its owner said he didn't mind...it happened a lot.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:09, 1 reply)

bangers and mash
whilst working for a well known pub franchise as a cook to pay my way through uni someone returned their bangers and mash complaining that the mash wash cold. fair enough as i was fairly accustomed to not taking pride in my work. however the bastard had eaten the sausages! fairly peeved at having to do even more work i shoved my destroyer in the new batch of cold mashed potatoes before being ceremoniously nuked in the microwave (the mash not my johnson). cooked off some more sausages and sent it down in the dumb waiter and went out onto the balcony to try and see if i could see who had cheekily returned the food. as i was watching the pub and i spotted the hot girl that i fancied from the upstairs flat in halls sitting with some friends. i stood in numb. "no no no no no no" disbelief and panic as the waitress then walks up to her and gives the aforementioned mash surprise and watched her scoff the lot.

needless to say that that was the closest that i got to having relations with her.

this is also the first time i've told anyone. loose lips sink ships
(uknowsit, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:09, Reply)

Making it talk
Push the sides together and you've got your very own puppet.
(Wonchop Where are your goggles, boy?, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:03, 3 replies)

A story from my friend.
My friend is from some tiny Swedish town and seems to hang out with a selection of mad people, punks and the cast of Dirty Sanchez Sweden it seems. Seriously, I have never looked at a photo album of a friends friends from back home and seen so much male public nudity.

Anyway he tells me once his mates were all having a party, one managed to pull some totally fine girl that was the friend of a friend so, pissed out of his tits, he went home with her and whent at it in true drunken fashion (Long, hard and believing your a sex god I assume).

In the middle of the night the girl apparantly woke up to the sound of water, looked over and stood next to the bed was the mate, obviously still out of it and only just awake, pissing in the bed.

"What the FUCK are you doing?!" She screamed.

He opened his eyes in shock, looked about a bit and just stopped pissing and mumbled "Sorry, I thought I was at home."

Now Im not sure about you, but wether at home or not, I dont just piss in my own bed.
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:50, Reply)

Planet Holywood
Many Years ago I was at Planet Hollywood in London at a mate's bird's Birthday Party (18th or 21st, either way I'm 32 now)

The party was going badly, I was Very drunk and chatting up her friends was getting me nowhere, so I pulled my pockets out and showed a few of them my elephant, which didn't really improve my chances (its ok, I was very drunk)

I later was shouted at, thrown out and banned from Planet Holywood for playing the piano by bouncing my testicles on the keys, the tough crowd again weren't impressed but this however worked on a completely different group of girls and led to me driving back from Milton Keynes two days later after some seriously filthy loving

So the moral to his lesson is (and it is a lesson)that girls love people who can play the piano even if it is badly. But Filthy girls love bruised ball bags. And seriously Filthy girls can suck start a Harley
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:11, Reply)

If your beloved
is sitting on the floor doing paperwork and you've just come out the shower.

Don't - I repeat DON'T - sneak up behind her and smack her round the back of the head with your cock and run off giggling like a twat.

Its a deal breaker. It really fucking is.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:11, 13 replies)

generic getting caught having a wank by mum story
she was outside hanging up the washing.

i didn't think she would be able to see me through the net curtains (a bold move by me, i'm sure you'll agree).

she could.

etc.

i'll never forget the 3 second stare she gave me from out in the garden. i quickly put my lad away. she carried on hanging up the washing. nothing was ever said about it. ever.



probably not THE most embarrassing thing.. and if it is i think i've gotten away pretty damn lightly considering some of the other stories here. but i shall have a think and see what deeply suppressed memories i can bring to the surface...
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:59, Reply)

Meh
Scaryduck, obviously has serious issues about his penis.

Shame, ???

Fuck an ass/ladyboy, not shameful.

Fuck a jar of liver, liver is expensive and better fried rare.

Methinks, Scaryduck is a Catholic "speedo" Bishop wanting confessions.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:59, Reply)

So
who was reading bash when this got chosen?

bash.org/?881393

Edit:
We were playing pick up sticks one evening and was having trouble due to the mangled arrangement of sticks and being quite drunk.
One of the other guys proclaimed "come on, I could get that one with my cock" - and he did. Not one of the other sticks moved.
Halfway through he had to go into the kitchen to 'get a bit more reach' and someone else took a photo of the whole thing for some reason.
( thistle, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:55, Reply)

I didn't 'do' this as such
But I'm still ashamed.

A few years ago I had a nad cancer scare, so trotted off to the doctor's for an appointment. Not wanting to wait weeks to see my own GP, I took the first appointment they had with a locum.

Now, I was slightly perturbed to find that the quack who would be doing the preliminary examination was a devastatingly stunning young lady GP, straight out of med school by the look of it. Her long hair tumbled seductively over her shoulders; her eyes glinted in the sunshine, and as I sat in the chair with my pants round my ankles, knob hanging and bollocks on display, I had to mentally will myself to not react as she started prodding my knacker sack with her incredibly dainty yet masterful fingers.

Did it work? Did it fuck.

However, instead of swelling proudly and spluffing magnificently all over her white coat as she caressed my nervous testes, the thing decided to make like Tommy the bloody tortoise, and retreated as far back into my body as it would possibly go, sumo style.

Fucking bastard. That was the longest cunting examination of my life...

I may have whimpered at one point.

On the plus side, it turned out to be a fatty cyst, so that's good. Chaps, if you feel a lump, get it checked out. Chances are it'll be nothing
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:54, 8 replies)