Ever been stopped by the police?
I got stopped by the police on the local park with some friends when I was about 10.

Apparently some cunts had been on there about an hour earlier, and had been throwing stones at the nearby houses.

They'd buggered off after one of the neighbours had told them they'd phoned the police.

My dad nearly battered me when I told him I got stopped by the police.

Anyone else got any stories about being stopped by the police?
(Xstopher, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 1:38, Reply)

Wrong person?
A few years back, a news story stated that having a wank can help prevent prostate cancer.

Using MSN I sent this story to everyone, however, one person, who shall be called Ace, wasn't at his PC, but I left this message: " Now you can wank yourself off as much as you want". 2 minutes later, this little ditty popped up: "I'm sorry, this is Ace's mother, hes not at home right now".

So have you ever said something incriminating, to the wrong person, e.g. a mother/father/nun etc?
( B.T., Fri 16 Jun 2006, 21:40, Reply)

I got my cock stuck in a finger puppet once
whilst doing a puppet show for my gran.

What things have you got your cock stuck in while entertaining my gran?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 15:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Pranks at Work.
During my time in the Royal Marines I saw many a good prank, but the one that stands out was when we took the C/O's new Landrover to the motorpool and had it sprayed pink, and parked back outside his office. Following a full investigation, which turned up nothing, he deanded it was resprayed back to RN Blue. This we did, only with a water based paint. A few days later we were on exercises when it suddenly began to rain. The landrover began to change from dark blue to pink again from the top down. The look on the officer's face was a picture. What pranks have you encountered while at work?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 16 Jun 2006, 15:28, Reply)

Fun and Games
What party games or drinking games (are the two mutually exclusive?) have you and your friends come up with? Did they have interesting consequences? :)

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Thu 15 Jun 2006, 15:06, Reply)

I honestly believe most of the good ones have been covered...
... a simple one would be phobias and phobia related stories...
( likeajackhammer, Thu 15 Jun 2006, 15:01, Reply)

Roommate from Hell.
Should make up for some interesting stories.

No i have not checked the 60+ pages with suggestions, and no i have not read the entire list with qotw's from christmas past.
(Bokbiertrol, Thu 15 Jun 2006, 14:34, Reply)

If I were in charge...
If I were King then all of those bastards on the tube with loud ipods would be whipped senseless with knotted hosepipes. Twice.

Similar fates would await those men who wear three-quarter length trousers; people who slurp tea / lick their fingers before turning pages; people who stand still on the walking side of the underground; people who don't use ANY punctuation in their b3ta posts.

What would you do if you had THE POWER?
(nimchimpski, Thu 15 Jun 2006, 12:19, Reply)

Best Euphamisms...
Like,people who call a fart a fluff. There is fuck all fluffy about a fart. Its just odd. Spider bark is my favorite one though! Also,trouser snake is a funny word!
(Miharu, Tue 13 Jun 2006, 17:39, Reply)

What's the best thing you have stolen?
I'm not talking shop lifting or stealing cars, i mean what's the best thing you have nicked just for the fun of it (traffic cones when drunk don't count)?
(Pesky Eskimo Gadzooks!, Tue 13 Jun 2006, 13:20, Reply)

What is
the most painful thing you have ever experienced?
(Daveypants laffo, Tue 13 Jun 2006, 12:55, Reply)

I resent the fact that ...
... my stories never get any votes because unlike all the 'popular' people mine are true and haven't been made up.

What do you resent?
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 13:29, Reply)

Waking up somewhere you didn't plan to..
After a serious bender, a mate of mine was on his way to work by train in London - however he woke up in Portsmouth.
(anchor, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 18:36, Reply)

The worst thing you've done on the last day of school.
So many stories. Driving round the school in a huge convoy of cars, doing dohnuts on the school field in cars,
(CathT, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:11, Reply)

Pain caused by chilli
I've seen someone (who was trying to impress his new girlfriend and show how much of a MAN he is) try to eat those tiny small green chillis that the Sikh gentleman (whose birthday we were celebrating) was munching away on happily.

It shut the mouthy twat up-- after some Mango Lassi, he retired to the toilet. 20 mins later, he came back, shirt soaked in sweat, looking like he'd been rolling on the piss-covered floor. Then he went for a walk. By the time he got back, we'd had our desserts and were ready to leave. Hooray!
( drunkenoaf, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 21:14, Reply)

Oo... me rike teh boobies
Have you ever been a silly billy and broken the law? Extra marks for really weird reasons, eg. wanking with a banana in McDonalds
(Noodles the second Yeast guardsman to HM the queen since, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 18:47, Reply)

eBay
We've all done it - what's your most random ebay purchase? Were you drunk? Did you realise within a nanosecond of winning the bid that you really didn't need it?

I've sold about 20 things on eBay that I bought and realised I didn't want or need....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 13:37, Reply)

Have you ever had eggs thrown at you?

( fuscous, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 13:05, Reply)

Misunderstood Alternative Lifestyles
As part of a course I'm doing at college we were asked to do an essay on alternative lifestyles. Most people chose the gothic lifestyle, I didn't. I chose the lifestyle of heroin addicts.
I stayed with two heroin addicts at their home for a week. I was expecting it to be scummy, riddled with needles etc. How wrong I was. The children were well fed and clothed, the house was tidy and needle free.
This, however, was one side of the coin.
I spent a week living a homeless lifestyle with another heroin addict. He went out stealing to pay for his habit, injected into his groin and all the other nasty stuff associated with heroin addiction.
I was able to draw similarities from each case:
1) came up with a "sob" story to explain how they became addicted
2) never offered me any drugs
3) would not wish their addiction on their worst enemy
4) earned money illegally

There are more but the list goes on and on. I did meet some other friends of the three people I met and they were all really genuine and nice people. My point is I was wrong about heroin addicts being "junkies who would sell their nan to get a fix" - I was being stereotypical.
What alternative lifestyles have you misunderstood/misinterpreted?
(sickprophet Injuring Disabled Animals, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 11:38, Reply)

They seemed normal at first
You know how it goes... You meet someone, you go on a few dates, you have dinner, you go to the cinema, you go for a drink. They seem really nice, you think this might go somewhere, then the first time you go back their place you discover that they have to hang all the power cables from every appliance over the back of chairs to let the bad energy drain out or their mum will die. So you run as fast as you can.
( emmlar is only funny 1 day in every 2467; today is not it, Tue 6 Jun 2006, 13:38, Reply)

What's your creepiest experience with a homeless person?
Someone I know, named Bob, was sitting in their home when he heard a tapping on the sliding glass door that led to his backyard. He turned to see a homeless guy tapping on the door. He walked up to the door and the bum asked if he could have a sandwich. Bob said he didn't have any bread (lies!) so the bum asked if he could have a soda. Bob couldn't say no to that since he is addicted to soda and had about a dozen 12 packes stacked by the door. So he gave the bum a soda and the bum wandered off into the desert. Bob's roomate then walked into the room giggling. He had seen what the bum had done before tapping on the window. He had pissed on Bob's grill and barfed on the dog. Bob was not amused.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 22:40, Reply)

ruined!
What songs can you not listen to anymore due to people/places/events ruining them for you?
(froffee, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 21:37, Reply)

Your most memorable shit
My friend claims to have done one the colour of a traffic cone, Mine would probably be either a post-beer slurry the consistency of blu-tack that had enough gas behind it to launch it into the pan at a velocity that made the seat shake, or alternately the one I did in a bar in liverpool, in a bathroom in which people were just hanging out (why do people do that in bars?) that was pretty much a minute long fart, louder than any i've done before or since, punctuated by little squelching sounds resembling the supposed noise of a duck being garrotted.
(Slyph, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 14:55, Reply)

Training by death
How about a qotw about things you've been forced to learn to do properly in a situation where if you failed, you die?
(donkey, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 9:15, Reply)

Impressive Blags?
I have blagged my way in to various parties over the last couple of years, scoring free champagne, free meals, all night table service and meeting the rich and famous, including getting my grubby mitts on the FA Cup. I'm lucky enough to have never been caught. What have you blagged and got away with, or has it ended in disaster??
(Georgie Porgie, Thu 1 Jun 2006, 17:37, Reply)

Annoying tunes you just can't get out of your head
Every so often I get the theme for Fraggle Rock stuck in my head.

It keeps playing over and over again in the back of my mind, and once it's in there my entire day is a complete waste - something about the lyrics "Worries for another day" just drives my productivity to shit.

Sorry if I've driven anyone elses productivity to shit now that I've mentioned it.
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Thu 1 Jun 2006, 17:35, Reply)

The best ever Famous Last Words
Like: 'Don't worry, it's the red ones that are poisonous!'
( ivystopia Last seen on, Wed 31 May 2006, 20:15, Reply)

Hari kari, kamakaze, you won't see another evening, good bye
Fran Lebowitz once said she tried to commit suicide by gassing herself with car exhaust. In a public parking garage. People walked by every couple days to ask how it was going.

Do you have any truly funny (really, let's keep it funny) suicide stories?
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 31 May 2006, 16:10, Reply)

Strange things people have presumed about you/taken you for.
Subject says it all, I thought it could be interesting to read about cases when strangers haved presumed absurd things about yourself, especially when they persist in their error when you try to correct them. I already posted the question on another forum and got some interesting and amusing responses, like a brown-skinned and bearded portugese being assumed to be a muslim and/or north african or a norwegian second lieutenant in Bosnia being assumed to be a general by americans because the rank insignia is a star.
(premietulling, Tue 30 May 2006, 17:18, Reply)

Defame america! (without mentioning George Bush)
e.g.

( drunkenoaf, Mon 29 May 2006, 23:59, Reply)