Misheard lyrics.
For ages and ages I thought I Don't Feel Well by Black Wire said 'we never brought your mother', until last time I saw them, when at that line the singer rubbed his fingers together in a sign for money...I realised and swore so loudly that even over the music people looked at me.

Also my dad used to think that 'When The Going Gets Tough' was 'When the go and get stuffed'.

What else have you unfortunately and/or comedically misheard?
(and now for someone completely different, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 12:23, Reply)

Online personals
Need I say more?
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 10:22, Reply)

QOTW is very work oriented just now.
Let's talk about fun.

What brings you as much joy as piercing the foil on a jar of instant coffee?
( The Lurker Plenty One, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 3:25, Reply)

Weird clients/colleagues
A veritable hotbed of funny stories. I particularly want this one because I just this morning received an email from one of my clients offering "personal services" in lieu of payment.

I'm a 23yr old girl and he's a middle-aged Russian accordion player.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 12:16, Reply)

messages to your younger self
if you could send a message to yourself in the past, what would you tell your earlier incarnation - aside from the obvious stuff like 'invest in microsoft' or 'the lottery numbers for week 87 are xxx'
mine would be -
hold hands with the girl you really fancy in middle school - you'll never see her again after that day and regret it well into your thirties.
don't fuck around so much in university. work and actually get that degree.
tell sam not to get involved with that boyfriend coz he's a dangerous psycho and you'll avoid being beaten to death.
tell my brother not to get involved with that girl who gives him an std that causes you to retire aged thirty.
dont apply for so many credit cards.

b3tans - how would you fix the future?

lh
(localhost, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 11:21, Reply)

Question...
Failed porno films
(pixxiedust, Sat 1 Jul 2006, 5:05, Reply)

Unusual Festivals
I once heard about having an Emilio "Festivez" - an Emilio Estevez Festival which entailed watching all of Emilio Esteves' movies.
(Dogzilla, Sat 1 Jul 2006, 0:57, Reply)

"The time I really surprised myself by having a really enjoyable experience without the use of alcohol or drugs with the possible exception of coffee"
Just for a change.

All this "we were so mashed we could hardly stand up and my mate died of alcohol poisoning. IT WAS GREAT" gets a little tiresome after a while.
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 6:33, Reply)

Bizarre eating habits.
What about food? I've heard some hilarious foody stories like my mate who has to eat Lyles Golden syrup on her beans, and another mate who eats chicken and banana sandwiches...
( Mrs.Sp@m, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:54, Reply)

Biggest regret
Suggested this before and I'll go on suggesting it until you choose it!!

What do you regret doing? and more importantly, what do you regret NOT doing? Needless to say, most of the latter are sex based, i.e. why, why, why did I not say "I've never kissed a girl before, can you show me how?" to the lovely girl who was confused by my (seeming) lack of passion!!! Would have popped two whole years before it finally happened.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 10:53, Reply)

sheer stupidity
that is all
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 9:48, Reply)

This is one which needs a couple of weeks preparation
but what about a chance to delve into our old childhood/teenage diaries and share the horror with the therapeutic b3tan group?

(yes. it is a little weeny bit like a Radio 1 segment. But they're nob-ends).
(nimchimpski, Wed 28 Jun 2006, 17:34, Reply)

What's the craziest thing that ever happened to you?
read this for a good example
(asdfasdfasdf, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 21:44, Reply)

erm...
What's the worst day you've ever had

Celebrity/Music star encounters
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 19:00, Reply)

Lifes burning questions
A friend of mine recently text me in the middle of the night to ask where Barn Owls lived before barns were invented. This question had kept her awake for a fair few hours. And we STILL dont know the answer. What questions plague/have plagued you and was the answer satisfactory?
(Linus Van Pelt, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 15:12, Reply)

World Cup
Yes, I know nobody wants to admit they're watching the football, but come one, I bet you all have at least one story.

Being in Merkinland, the games are being played at either 6am, 8am or 12pm. So far, my husband has had his ass dragged out of bed to take me to the pub at stupid o'clock to watch football with a bunch of guys neither of us had ever met before. All in the name of England!

What stories do you have? (And of course, there is more to elaborate on just the above!)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 7:38, Reply)

Souvenirs, and not the tat from holiday.
The souvenires that really matter i.e. those knickers of the first shag, or the policemans cap my mate nicked from the back of the car as they dropped him off after nicking him on a DUI, or what stuck to your hand when leaving work/school for the last time just to remind you....

So what have you 'taken' from somewhere/someone to remind you of them, or just to piss them off?
(i AM that masked man Book him Tonto, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 0:40, Reply)

Nice Words
Again, there's been a lot of serious QOTWs recently, so I reckon we need something fluffy and frivilous. How 'bout...

"What Words Make You Smile?"

Everyone has a few trigger words that make you smile, chuckle, giggle, grin or go wibble. A chum (Hi Nezz) was strangely giggly at the use of the word "ladder", whereas I'm sniggering at the word "Moist". What about you B3tans?
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 9:48, Reply)

Catching 'Em At It...
One of my best mates came home one night after a few refreshers at the student union and decided he'd let his parents know he was home. So he stumbles up stairs and opens their bedroom door to find them at it like rabbits 'God mate, they weren't even in the bed'. This is by far the most impressive catching your parents at it story I have heard to date. What traumatic visions have witnessed?
(charliesays, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 9:45, Reply)

Deleriousness
Once I was suffering various effects of some nasty little virus and it gave me a delerious dream.

I was convinced that if I rolled my quilt up into a ball, it would become so heavy it would outbalance the world, pushing us out of orbit and killing us all. I then became overwhelmed with a desire to try it and see if it worked. So I was lying in bed, screaming that the world was going to end and desperately trying to keep my covers flat. And my sister threw something at me and told me to shut up.

What thoughts have entered your head at the point of feverishness?
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 3:47, Reply)

Moments in pr0n...
Once I was watching porn, and then this guy started sucking on another man's willy. It was advertised as 'lesbian orgies' too.

Furious masturbation did not follow.

What are the strange and wonderful things you've seen enacted on adult video?
(Xiang, Sun 25 Jun 2006, 11:47, Reply)

treading a fine line
I am a builder. I dispose of waste in skips outside my customers' houses. Neighbours help themselves to my hard-earned cash by putting their waste in my skip.

Recently a 200 year old hag of a neighbour was helping herself by putting small amounts of garden waste and scrap in my skip daily. Many small amounts add up to large amounts.

I asked her not to, and she told me not to be silly as it was only a small amount. I wanted to tell the old hag to go and fuck herself.

What fine lines have you had to tread between getting your point across and being cunt?
(swiftlee, Sat 24 Jun 2006, 8:42, Reply)

beautiful moments QOTW
because i used to read it when in need of upliftment (is that a word?) and something positive to push on through a bad day

please start it again, or do you still have the old one and i'm an idiot

hehe just found it... i'm an idiot
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Fri 23 Jun 2006, 15:57, Reply)

Made-up words
What words have you made up? Do they mean anything?
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 22 Jun 2006, 14:14, Reply)

Dodging the bullet
A few days ago I went out to go swimming with some friends, no ppols were open...get home to find that the cellar had flooded, and while nothing was badly damaged (apart from the carpet), everyone who was in the ohouse at the time had to spend ages cleaning it up...but of course I wasn't in the house...

Score one for me

What proverbial bullets have you dodged?
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 22 Jun 2006, 14:11, Reply)

The mugging stories have been interesting but depressing
how about, 'Things that have made the world seem like a nicer place'.

Come on - it's sunny. Clothing is getting skimpier. Time for an uber-joyful QOTW
(nimchimpski, Thu 22 Jun 2006, 10:38, Reply)

simple things that give you an overinflated feeling of achievement
For example, when I put petrol in my car, if I can stop the delivery EXACTLY on the nearest £ instead of going 1 or 2 pence over then I am ecstatic. The same goes when I lay out a log in the bog and wipe my arse to find that it's spotless... killer turd! Satisfying and CLEAN! What makes you absurdly pleased despite its relative lack of importance on the world stage?
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 22 Jun 2006, 0:38, Reply)

Stealing from work.
Someone once told me that the 'quality' of any job could best be measured by the quality of the goods you could nick. Paperclips are a bit cack, but what other goodies have btans 'acquired' from their employers?

I was thinking this on the way home tonight, and stopped off to pick up some booze and fags and stuff. Only to discover that the twenty pound note I attempted to pay with was ropey. And ironically, where did that £20 come from?

You guessed it.

(Otherwise I used to work for Virgin and Our Price, and everyone was nicking there!)

feel my girth and marvel...
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Wed 21 Jun 2006, 20:00, Reply)

Mental-Health and Saftey
I would assume that the majority of b3tans work in offices and the majority of offices are full of stupid rules mainly due to health and saftey. Here is a story my friend sent me about what happened when he bought a rake at lunchtime.

"You will not guess the comotion buying a rake has caused here!!!, not only
have I been bombarded by a the most ridiculous questions (what's that? what's
it for?) by all senior management .. but I have to leave it outside of the
call center until HR have enough time to perform a Risk Assesment on it, and
then sign to say that its for my own use and will not be used for terrorism
or violent crimes, and then signed another form saying that the company is
not responsible for what I do with it. And now Im apparently in trouble for
wasting everybodys time in having to make it comply with Health & Saftey. I
have to ask my Team Leader from now if i can bring back large sharp
instruments from my break. Good thing I didnt bring my large umbrella or
they may have had to evacuate the office and call MI5 immediately - I think
I should get another Job."


I am particularly pleased with the subject line.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jun 2006, 14:23, Reply)

Town Crazies
I live in scouseland and there are some fine crazy people here.
There's a man who plays a cardboard guitar and makes a fine living from it by all accounts and another who spends his time giving the thumbs up to any vehicle that beeps him. Very entertaining in rush hour.
Go on, who's got the best town nutter?
(Jugular, Wed 21 Jun 2006, 13:59, Reply)