Bully For You
There was this bully at my school who took great pleasure in taking the other childrens sweets.He liked to pick on me especially for being a bit of a small fry.
My seet of choice at the time was the Yellow Bon bon. In a flash of inspirarion one night i added a whole tin of Colmans English mustard powder to my bag of sweets for the next day and waited.
AAAAnyway when I got to school he was waiting to take my sweets as usual. "I Wouldn't eat those if i were you," i Warned.
"oh Yeh?" he said with a look of discust. He then upended the bag into his mouth to prove he could do what he wanted.
Needless to say he spent the rest of the morning in the bogs washing his scalding mouth out and being sick.
The daft thing is I did the same thing the next day and he ate them again. what a bollock head!
(I've done it so many times it's boring now..., Fri 14 May 2004, 10:51, Reply)

same stupid bitch....
that same girl (you know the one i tried to kill?) used to write very graphic "love" letters to my cousin... her mom worked at the little kids school around the corner from my house one day i stole o few from my cousin and dropped them in her mothers school mail box, with a little note say maybe you should control your little whore....her mother being very religious beat the crap out of her....im really evil....well i used to be but now im on special medication that helps that

kinda
(shylo_sequoia, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:51, Reply)

and another one....
i had a nemisis when i was like 13 years old, her mom used to try to run us down with her car. she also went out with my cousin and then fucked only to tell him (like to minutes after they fucked) that she only did it to piss me off. well pissed i was. so on the way home from school on day we followed her(me and a gruop of 4 lackeys) and then we cicrled around her and lit fire to like 20 different spots in the field she was in (yes we were really tring to kill her) she didnt get a single burn.

now i have a problem, all my ideas for killing her had panned out too nothing, so the next best thing to do? take away the thing she loved most, her hair, she had like never cut it and always had it in a big fat braid. so one day in class she fell asleep (as she always did) and i took a pair of scissors and chopped that shit off, hey why not it will grow back? so now she looked like a boy for the rest of the year.

suprisingly i got kicked out for cutting off her hair and not tring to kill her....

sorry so long
(shylo_sequoia, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:45, Reply)

hmmm, cake
At uni (why the hell not) this obnoxious foreign bird used to cook some foul smelling fish dishes that stunk the whole house out. She also had a habit of coming down to the kitchen in the dead of night and munching through whatever left overs were left in the fridge.
As a relatively expensive revenge, I purchased a good half ounce of finest resin and made some rather morish hash fudge.
I got a mate to test it, he had half a slice and 10 minutes later decided it was shit and went out. An hour later he was unconscious on the floor in some bar. The recipe was perfect! I put the fudge in the fridge.
Next morning I checked the fridge, it was all gone! Someone had gobbled up a fuck load of cannabis!
The girl was missing, but later in the day rumours began to surface that she had woken up in the middle of the night completely tripping her bollocks off paranoid as a cunt, scaring the shit out of some guy she'd just pulled. Aparantly he got the fear and left. The girl had never done any drugs before and didn't have a clue what was going on, so she decided to drive home in the middle of the night - about two hours away. She's lucky to be alive.
Needless to say she never ate my food again.
(fearnation, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:44, Reply)

The Vicks of shit
There was a moody cow that we shared a flat with and she left me and my missus in the lurch by leaving halfway through the contract for no reason. I can't get across in words what a nasty, cowardly, moody shit of a person she really is. She was packing her stuff and was out for the evening, so I thought..... payback time. She was a sniffly little cow and she had left her Vicks inhaler on her bed. I had a shit and it was a real sloppy one and the pushed the inhaler tube up my ring. It slipped in nice as it was still shitty as i hadn't wiped my arse yet. I actually saw particles of shit disappear down the hole on the top and I pushed it in further with a cotton wool bud. I then cleaned the evidence of inhaler and put it nicely back on her bed. Take that you slut and inhale my shit. I also pissed in her face cream.

yes I do hate her.
(manny fagnet, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:39, Reply)

mountain pee?
i have posted this on a few sites a few years back and still seems to be my best one (i did get this idea from a email a freind sent me). an exboy friend of mine was cheating on me, in my own house, and i decided to catch him at it, so i told him i was going to visit my folks for the weekend would he please check on my dog? i spent the first day at the girl next doors house waiting for my moment, when he showed up (at like 2 in the morning) with the ugliest bar fly i had ever seen i waited till they were in the house for a bit then i went over and slashed all his tires, after that i got a bottle of mountian dew (you know the sode that has like 3 times the normal amount of sugar in it?) and procceded(sp?) to go home i went in the door and to my room to find them havung sex on my bed!!! so what did i do? well what could i do i poured the "dew" all over thier clothes and then as they were running out i sprayed a little on them. well not quite that funny until you realize that i had pissed in the bottle all the way to the top....well now we have piss soaked cheaters and no car... so what did he do he had to walk all the way home (like one mile) smelling like piss...



sorry so long
(shylo_sequoia, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:38, Reply)

Long but nice
This is one I heard about, but it's great so I'll tell it.

Years ago an electrician I knew was ripped off $20,000 by a builder he did some work for. The builder just flat out refused to pay, and due to crazy building laws at the time, the electrician knew there was nothing he could do about it.

Refusing to take the loss on the nose, the electrician proceeded to launch an annual campaign against the builder that lasted until he'd felt he'd equaled his loss. This campaign included:

* Emptying can after can of 'expanding foam' up the exhaust pipe of the builders expensive Jaguar car. The electrician used enough foam to force it up the pipe into the block. When the builder started his car, the block shit it's pants and blew apart. It's reported that certain parts attached to the block flew off with such force they pierced the bonnet on their way skywards.

* For many years, on both Christmas and New Years Eve, the electrician would cruise over to the builders house with his monster F100 ute, attach a chain to the main water meter with the other end attached to the ute and then rip it out. Given that the times were right before long public holidays, the builder would go without water for up to a week during Christmas and New Years.

* Filling the builders letterbox with quickset concrete. The builders letterbox was embedded in a massive brick gate pillar, so each time he had to practically destroy the pillar to repair the letterbox.

* And finally, the electrician would drill a small hole in the builders electronic gate opener and pump it full with sialine solution. Since it was housed in a waterproof box it would fill up nicely, then be completely shorted out and rooted when it was used.
(Brundy, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:34, Reply)

This prick, used to keep kicking my girlfriends door in when she was
asleep - we think he wanted to catch us shagging. so one night after we had a few beers my better half decided to do the same to him.

we creeped out and gave the door a good shoulder shove. it flew open and we caught him laying on his bed totally naked, hard dick in hand wanking over a what looked like the underwear pages of a kays catalogue.

funnily enough he never opened her door again!
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:10, Reply)

cans of food
Uni - again.
I used to live with a complete social retard who was scared of having his food pinched (although he did have grounds for this as after getting back from a pub everything is fair game)
To stop us pinching it he kept all his tinned food in his wardrobe in his locked bedroom.
To get revenge and to generally just annoy him, we broke into his room using a bendy bit of plastic and removed all the labels from the cans (about 150 - he must have been expecting a nuclear war).
He obviously knew it was us, but by then it was too late. Ah, the joy of him getting frustrated every mealtime!
I also locked him out of the flat naked and burnt his shoes. But they are different stories!
(tomato, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:00, Reply)

tic-tac
As students on a work placement, my flatmate and I soon bored of the office environment - in particular some of the more 'self important' members of middle management (to whom we were lower than scum).

It turns out my flatmate had taken real offence to one of our 'superiors' actions and so blu-tacked all of his phones handsets to the base units (I had no idea of this at the time). Then when said manager walked into the room, my flatmate rang his desk...

The sight of a 40 year old man violently clobbering himself in the head with a whole phone is - I assure you - one of the funniest in the world.
( moonjam, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:59, Reply)

Some friends of mine
...lived in a house with someone who, apparently, was rather annoying and for some reason deserved revenge. So one of the bloke housemates topped up her salad cream with man-milk. One quick shake, back in the fridge, and some rather uncomfortable silences and stifled giggles at lunch for the next few days.
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:57, Reply)

Cheesy mouthpiece
Worst fat ginger slag of a boss in the world. After one final unfair public dressing down she nips off for a cake or something calorific.

Whip out the old chap, wipe it all over her telephone mouthpiece, sit back and enjoy the view of her more or less licking the fucker.

Oh the joy, the joy.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Fri 14 May 2004, 9:51, Reply)

expensive hair treatment
I went to school witha lad who was litterally terrified of going bald, and as such used to wash his hair with a ridiculously expensive hair tonic that looked like man-paste. When showering, He'd start with the hair treatment, wash the rest of his pathetic body, and then rinse the hair...
On top if this, He was also a complete and utter wanker.

We mixed his hair tonic with Immac. About 90%immac to be honest. So, as he unwittingly followed the immac usage guidelines in the communal showerblock: "soak, leave, rinse hair off" with his modded tube of spooge, we all stood there itching to see the results.
Rinse cycle starts... he turned white. Handfulls of hair cam erinsing down his body....
BUT
The hair only came off in patches.he had 30% of it left...but he loved his hair so much that he refused to level the playing field for the uniform baldy-look, and instead opted for a terrifying patchy-baldy look.

Pillock.


//edit Having just been contacted by a friend, I can tell you that aged 27, this vain bastard is now wearing a hairpiece
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 14 May 2004, 9:49, Reply)

This is my mates story
In uni (surprise) he hated the people he lived with in the first year and they were always nicking his food. He bought a large tub of margarine which he noticed was going down very quickly, so he scooped the marge into a saucepan and melted it down. He then jacked off into it, mixed it and poured it back into the tub and put it back in the fridge. He watched the marge get completely eaten by his flatmates.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:46, Reply)

Hotel nut muck
On a school ski trip my friend and I were puzzled to find that our room had an extra key in the door... It was a different shape but clearly opened the same lock, obviously we put it to the test and were thrilled to discover we had acquired the maids master key.

So what do you do with the key to every room in a hotel? Why, naturally you mix up a solution that looks like spunk and put it wherever you can.

I still chuckle at the image of my Maths teacher opening his copy of FHM to discover a large Photo of Dudley Moore seemingly dripping with man fat.
( moonjam, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:42, Reply)

Best Revenge ever!!!
I used to work in this shop, the main shop was quite large but the back was tiny, so much so that the office was in fact the toilet! The safe was underneath the desk and the toilet was just behind the desk!!!! How filthy is that?
Well there would be at least 4 staff there at anyone time and the manager was always in the office, stuffing kfc/mcdonalds/burgerking down his throat. True to form, this one day, he was in the office yumming some lard down and i asked if i could use the bog. "gimme 5 minutes" he said so I went back on the shop floor (trying to keep the turtles head in).
Eventually he came out and I rushed in and proceeded to drop the mother load..... However, as I was sitting I could see the security TV directly in front of me, with my fat boss waving the bog roll at the camera!!! Horrified I turned and saw the bog roll was all gone!!
I was furious because this wasn't the kind of shit where you could walk away so I proceeded to find things to wipe my arse on......
the first thing was his tie lying on the desk - that got a good wipe, then the faxes he had been reading got put to good use, then I proceeded to wipe my arse all over his mcdonalds bag with his burger in side...... but the final sick bit of revenge was when I reached down and ripped out a chunk of hair with attached winnit and put inside his bag ontop of his burger!!!! Flushed, washed and out I went past him smirking and laughing and waited for the horrified screams!!!!!

Haha! He didn't find the tie out till later in the day when the area manager was coming and he went to put it on!!!!! There was plenty bog roll after that!
(Manatee Fondler, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:38, Reply)

The South Park episode
Where Cartman gets revenge on Scott Tenterman for selling him pubes, but can only come up with trying to get a horse to bite off his penis. Eventually, he devises a genius plan, and gets Scott to eat his parents. Best revenge ever.
( Whillow, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:21, Reply)

Gay Porn
A (ex) friend of mine was really getting on me and my friends nerves when I was in college. He was the typpe of person who hung around even though no-one really liked them. One day, he got really angry for some reason and pushed another of my friends into a bush when we were walking down the street and stormed off.

This guy had quite a posh upbringing, and lived with his (very stuck up) parents.

We wern't going to stand for that, so we went out and bought several hardcore gay porn magazines, and sent them to his home address. The name on the package was addressed to Mr. , and inside was a letter:

"Dear James,
Please find enclosed the material that you asked for, I hope it gives you some ideas for what to do next time we meet up.
Love
Dave"

Without a first name on the package - it was opened by his father. He never knew that it was us, all he told us was tht he couldnt come out any more because he was in a lot of trouble with his parents.

We were all about 17/18 at the time.
(Fubear, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:17, Reply)

A friend pissed us off somehow
I think just by general twatishness, I forget. This was when we were at school, so we stole his pencil case and the next day we brought it back to school, only it was in a lunchbox. Filled with delicious strawbery jelly. We ended up eating our way to the stationary, which was pretty good fun till we all got detentions.
( Whillow, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:09, Reply)

I used to work in an office with three of the
dirtiest fuckers I have ever met.
Rotting food all over, sandwiches left in desks, mouldy cups and over flowing bins surrounded them and I hated it.

One day I complained and they said, if you don't like it clean it up yourself and so I did.
I cleaned everything, I wiped, I polished and I disinfected till the office shined like a new pin I even cleaned the coffee maker and all the mugs and made them a large pot of fresh coffee at the end OUT OF MY OWN URINE, dirty fuckers didn't even notice and drained the pot dry...
( Darryn.R, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:09, Reply)

TWAT
I used to work at a large merchant bank in Docklands, lets say it rhymes with Darclays Crapital. My boss there was a complete and utter cunt who had no idea of what we were supposed to do. If he got a bollocking from his manager for something that was his fault he would somehow blame his workers. I took simple, petty revenge by swapping the + and - keys on his PC keyboard. The stupid bastard then spent hours scratching his head trying to work out why + and - didn't work properly and decided it must be due to "incorrect keyboard mapping" and got PC support to swap out his perfectly good keyboard. I would simply wait for him to leave his desk and would swap them over again. He eventually sacked me. Cunt. Grant if you're reading this then beware the shadows cos I'm after you... Bwahaaha
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Fri 14 May 2004, 9:03, Reply)

Calling card fun
We had a german lad at Uni... he used to show us his photo albums of girls he'd managed to pick up, get blown by, and take pictures of.
We later recognised 2 of them to be local Hookers, but that's not the point.

We got bored of it, and decided to shut him up.

We simply created a bunch of "calling cards" with "Shy German STUDent seeks tender male attention" with all of his contact details on them.

Cards where distributed around Uni, all phone boxes, and gay hot-spots that we were aware of.

The first night his mobile was heard to ring over 40 times, and the finale came when the screaming stud threw his mobile out of the window at 5:00am.

Cards where relenished when he got a new mobile contract.

mmmmm, nice.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 14 May 2004, 8:56, Reply)

At my school
There's a teacher who's widley disliked, but is actually quite a nice guy- if a little psychotic. At the end of one year, a couple of guys who lived on a farm who he'd been a little cruel to drove in on a tractor and dumped a truckload of manure over his car. It's a large, old style Land Rover and it was completely buiried. Mean, but it's hardly beheading someone...
( Whillow, Fri 14 May 2004, 8:55, Reply)

Radiation!
We had a particularly unpleasant crew member once, and on the day he left the boat,he left his luggage on display, to which memebers of the engineering department quickly added large chunks of steel scrap, resulting in a monumental increase in its weight. I happened to be returning from a job whilst this was going on and plopped my waste materials in the bag, amongst which was a faulty fire detector unit. Unknown to me, when X rayed due to there radioactive content (fire/smoke detector units)these create a distinctive bright glow on the display and produce some hysterical x ray operators. Needless to say we were in the US post 911 and this 'security threat' went down like a turd in a swimming pool. What I witnessed still brings me to uncontrolable fits of laughter, I come out of a phone booth to an official telling me the airport is closed, and see this guy being frog marched by 6 SWAT guys in full tack to the security room....made the 6 o clock news and brought all of Miami to a stanstill (sorry)Bet his bum is still sore....
(captainbirdseye, Fri 14 May 2004, 8:49, Reply)

simple fast and annoying.. but lengthy :o(
A friend of mine was due to get married...

His wife-to-be betrays her own (considerable) stupidity by fooling around with on of my mate's "friends".
FOR MONTHS

When the wedding plans come crashing down 1 month before the due date, all this comes out of the wash, and it takes a considerable amount of effort from my mate to stop all of his true friends from pulverising "friend" and his BMW "with Z3 alloys" penis extension.

Cue Spam attack.

I had his work e-mail address....
Ctrl+C
goto google
search for: Fetish + bukake + bondage + homosexual + Bestiality + gay + .... you get the picture
AND... the important bit.. "TELL A FRIEND"

Search result. Nigh on 5,000 pages of filth, all with a subscription/tell a friend option E-mail sign-up system.

Ctrl+V

So, a rainy friday afternoon was spent signing mr cheating bastard up to no less than 1,000 sites, and resulting in a storm if unsolicited mail.

Rumour has it that over the weekend his mailbox was jammed.
then the following week he had to have it fixed repeatedly.
dragged infront of boss.... for explanation...

oh the joy.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 14 May 2004, 8:46, Reply)

Too many to mention but
At uni, arsehead bloke opposite had been a bit of a twunt. I stacked 12 chairs out of the kitchen against his door. Next morning door opens, chairs fall on him and broke both his wrists.

My fat arsed brother once cut/stole every shoelace I owned just before I was going out with a girl for the first time. The outcome of this was every single shoe he owned being filled with catfood/egg mixture.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Fri 14 May 2004, 8:41, Reply)

Millitary madness
when i was in the army, this outstanding soldier [meaning general-screwup] called our drill Sgt. a certain racial word that will go unsaid, and caused our Platoon to have a 12 mile run and over 500 4-count mountain climbers [needless to say, if you dont know what they are, they HURT] The next morning, this outstanding soldier woke up to 4 of the largest soldiers [myself included] pissing in his face. The drill Sgt. walkes by and says "I'll go get the mop." /evil
( Pope Yoda is OLD, Fri 14 May 2004, 8:34, Reply)

Gaystation
A couple of years back, a friend of mine had been annoying me with his general gayness. Playstation 1 was just out and twas all the rage. I placed an ad in the local paper, with his number attached, for a PS1 for £30. Poor fucker was swamped with calls for the next 2 weeks. I also used to ring his house at 3 in the morning and play Busta Rhymes down the phone to his parents.
(Smell eep!, Fri 14 May 2004, 8:24, Reply)

i was a sick sick little girl.
When I was 11, at a camp with my classmates, we had the joy of going paddle-boating. I ended up stuck in the middle of a huge lake with a twat of a boy who smelled like cheese. The paddles in our boat got stuck eventually, far from shore. We sat there for a bit wondering what to do, when the boy comes up with a fantastic idea: "YOU get out and push us to shore!" After a heated argument I gave up and jumped in(may I add this lake has been known to contain deadly snakes), and then swam it to shore in freezing water with heavy sopping wet clothes while the boy grinned triumphantly. I was angry.
Later while everyone was at dinner I snuck, heavily armed, into the boys' cabin. I flipped the blankets over, poured a cup of lemonade liberally over the bed, and neatly covered it back up. I pulled out several choice magazine pictures of oily half-naked muscular men and made fold marks in them. I stuffed a few in his bag and put the rest under his pillow, along with a large but convincing amount of lotion. I put a bit in his bag, and a suspicious spot on top of his pillow, with a neatly written note reading "YOU GOT SERVED." I haven't heard much from him since then. ;D
( trintrin has jam for blood, Fri 14 May 2004, 8:24, Reply)