I hate the song 'Chiquitita' by ABBA.
When one of my past boyfriends found this out, of course he played it for me repeatedly, sang it, etc. One of my then-boyfriend's jobs was that he was a roadie for El Vez, the Mexican Elvis (whom if you haven't already heard, check him out.) The boyfriend was/is rather friendly with El Vez, and when he came to Philadelphia, we went to go see him. We were right up against the stage during the performance, and about halfway through, El Vez went into a long speech about how he wanted to promote a new revolutionary pop star, a girl with the pop appeal of say, britney spears, and some revolutionary political messages.

Then he got on his knees on the stage, took my hand, and sang "Che Chiquita," to me.

(if you didn't already guess, it was to the tune of Chiquitita. the boyfriend must have told him.)
(emgee, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:37, Reply)

I won an air guitar competition once
without even realising I'd entered.

Slightly embarassing I suppose but hey, I was off my trolley and they were playing the Scorpions.

First prize as well, I got some free gig tickets out of it!
( Button Man ...a right bottom feeder., Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:34, Reply)

Travelling
from the north west to London to play some shithole or other in the mid-90s. Us and another local band were sharing a van and a minibus to get ourselves, our instruments and our backlines to the venue. There were three in our band and about ten of these other twats who had a brass section and all that bollocks. Our singer had left his weed in the minibus and their sax player had found it. The sax player was taking great delight in rolling and smoking great reefers while we three were roasting in the van in front. To retaliate, our singer climbed over the seats, made his way over all the gear to the back of the van, located the sax, opened the case and proceeded to insert every one of the guys reeds, one after the other, in and out of his arsehole. Our peers in the minibus behind witnessed every act of organic self-buggery, as this was carried out with singer's ringpiece displayed clearly in the back window. At the next stop a fight broke out and the other band shat it despite outnumbering us three to one : ) We never shared transport, or a gig with them again. The wankers.
( routine has perfected burgers, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:29, Reply)

Groupies
One of the strangest groupie stories I recall was when a friends band were playing a small tour in Holland - they were staying at a friends place and I would tag along and catch the gig on film for posterity. This one particular gig is at a youth club in some hick town up north. Before the gig (after walking for miles to buy bannanas for the tech who had a seratonin deficiency earlier in the day) I am chatting with the drummer who tells me excitedly he has a fan flying over from England just for the night to see the show, and how he thought he was getting lucky tonight.

Backstage a little later in he comes to the dressing room where the band are all sitting with this youngish lass, who proceeds to just it down bringing out and playing various little hand held computer games - you know the circa 80's Kong and the like - we all thought it a little odd she travels all this way to see a band, then when hanging out just ignore them.

Anyway gig starts, fun is had, but I notice all through the gig, this girl elects instead to sit in the club bar drinking and talking to some local chap who hardly spoke any english. She makes no effort to reappear until well after the show when she is seen spinning like a top in the middle of the gig floor on her own to some happy hardcore the DJ was playing to no one in particular.

We start discussing the likelyhood that the drummer hand landed himself with someone who had escaped her care in the community order. Then back at the band house, she gets much nuttier offering everyone 'rim jobs' repeatedely - gender regardless, all in her very public schoolgirl accent. She ends up in another room and I just sit chatting with the band until about 3 when they all start retiring.

Still enjoying my beer I discover the drummer, the lighting tech and this fruitcake in one of the rooms talking crap, and then out comes the reason she is so bizarre - first the coke - loads of it - I mean a tobacco tin full which she continues to hoover up, and with assisatnce from the other two. It then turns out she starts talking about "Daddy X" (The X is not his real nam, obviously for legal reasons) - turns out she is the love child of two rather famous performers of the punk era - they had obviously made a few quid, sent her off to finishing school all the while she was picking up their old habits.

She stayed up until 8am hoovering charlie up her hooter, then promptly jumped in a cab and headed back to London - total time in Holland - about 12 hours. Gak consumed - unbelievable. And gigs seen? None.

As for Rim Jobs, I never found out, but the code of the road would prevent me from telling anyway...
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:17, Reply)

Interviewed Steve Albini
... and "his" band, Shellac, for Uni radio, backstage at the Duchess in Leeds. Splendid! Mr Albini had been producer for Nirvanna and PJ Harvey, as well as "front man" for Big Black and Rapeman.
I was all long hair and trimmed goatee and looking very rock at the time - 1994 or so. I was getting a lot of comments about lookig like David Gahan, but damn, I'd had my beard and locks longer than he had!
Anyway, they were all very sensible and somewhat geeky, I remember.
At the end of the interview, we'd wrapped up and were getting ready to go away and edit what we had. Just before we turn off the tape, Steve and cohorts suddenly confer and pipe up - "We have a question for you."
"Okay, what is it?" quoth I.
"Are you in Depeche Mode?"
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:15, Reply)

I sang "fuck her gently" by Tenacious D
last week with Rick Waller and the Cheeky girls - rock and roll because I was blatently taking the piss....

Essex girls when doing shows at haven holiday parks - well - the rumours are true....

Went to Germany the other day to get my haircut....

Band member hypnotised the band blue to do whatever the hell we wanted to. (holly whilloby was there and she is fit as f***)....

was beaten at basketball by sir bobby charlton....

will be having a punch up on national tv as soon as we get kicked off the xfactor this year (we're trying our best)
( SiX and his hat, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:14, Reply)

A couple of years ago we had a certain well known dnb duo play our night. They were getting well into the mixing, a little too well it seemed, when the guy who was on the decks' trousers fell down round his ankles mid-mix...

RAWK? nah.... Spinal Tap? very!
( Damien's Hearse, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:13, Reply)

drum stick attack
i go to this place where they have bands on i think its about once or month. most of the bands are really
good but you get a few who are a pile of shit.

i think it was a few months back when this band were playing who from the very first song were terrible.
the sad thing was that the drummer thought he was amazing and that we were enjoying it.

so at the end of a really fucked up drum solo he threw his drum stick expecting people to fight for it.

everyone just stood still as the stick flew through the air and hit some big bloke who was built like
a bouncer. the big bloke wasn't to happy about this so cracked him one at the end.
(i eat crayons, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:12, Reply)

Funkier than the average bear!
I was in a band for a while and we did, indeed, ROCK! Actually we funked, which is even better.

Some very fond memories include:

A thunderstorm knocking out all the electrics in our venue except for our PA. We proceeded to play our finale in the dark with thunder and lightning flashing around outside. Very cool and better than any light show. Not for a moment did it occur to me that lightning might strike a power line somewhere and fry all the valves in my amp (and kill me a few microseconds afterwards).

Someone falling headlong into our gear having tripped over what appeared to be a completely flat piece of floor.

Missing our standard pre-gig MacDonalds and being forced to eat all the space raiders out of a vending machine while our one man brass section injured himself on a punchbag arcade machine.

In addition there are all the standard stories: breaking strings mid-song, forgetting that mics were still on and swearing to a whole family audience, playing to a completely silent room that felt roughly the size of the millenium dome, any technical skill slowly vanishing as I worked my way through 3 large whiskies lined up on my amp, playing shoulder to shoulder on a stage slightly bigger than a beach towel with a 1000W spotlight 6 inches from my ear.

I never got stuck in an alien cocoon though, nor have I ever played with dwarves dancing around a mini-Stonehenge.

And to any members of the "Fro" reading: when are we having a reunion gig?
(flimflam_machine, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:10, Reply)

Pissed up, Leeds, late 80s...
I found Craig Adams, bass player of the Mission and previously of the Sisters of Mercy, in a pub. Naturally I accosted him and demanded he come to a party - not that I could quite remember whose party it was... He just blurred in an out of focus while sneering at me, till I threw up on him and got dragged out of the premises.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:09, Reply)

I could write a book.....
memorable moments are:

Laughing my nuts off at the guitar tech who had been tuning a local bands guitars for half of a gig with a faulty tuner (and laughing more loudly coz they were blaming the sound guys)

staring blankly at the horrendous rider and spec sheet that girls aloud had sent our promoter for a 20 minute "set" that had a backing CD and 3 live mics, and laughing when they cancelled at the last minute and where replaced by liberty X

sitting in a vip room in derry at an Alex P and brandon block gig, and getting rat arsed on free booze coz my mate told the muppets I was blocky... and even blocky was in on it...

watching a saw docters gig in bandit country when they had a full 25k rig and 50 people turned up (fair play they did thier set anyway)

getting an eyefull when Ultrasonics dancers got changed beside the stage (using me as a shield)

using my band pass and triple A's to get into/out of clubs even when i was not actually working

watching the bottles and glasses fall off bar shelves when we kicked the 40k rig into life (after warning the promoter 3 times not to put the bar close to the stage)

and many others that will stay in memory as to publish them may result in serious legal problems. (clue: certain big name DJ's with major drug/drink habits and who use tapes and backing cd's at all thier gigs, as they can't work the decks coz they are usually stoned/drunk/wasted)

btw... its true what they say, the groupies will do almost anything to get at the lead singer... and you will have to pay them to have a go at the drummer... :-)
( TBL I posted this on, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:07, Reply)

9 am, town square
...after being up all night, screaming at the commuters "Ha ha ha! You're all bunch of fucking slaves! We've been having sex and class A drugs all night, off our faces, and you're all going to work!"
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:06, Reply)

Like I said I have a few tales
One Band I have know over the years and are quite good friends a few times played here in Holland - again being of the non-supergroup variety (though only financially) when they came over I used to put them up at my house, much to the bemusement of the neighbours - the lead singer, an american, has a tattooed face. The lady lead singer is 6foot plus and has pink and green hair, the bass player - a particularly gorgeous Italian Lady, and the keyboard player - again a gorgeous Argentinian, were then accompanied by the drummer who was nothing short of lunatic, especially when it came to alcohol - add in a driver/tech and a merch girl, all staying in my tiny flat and a fun fest is definately on the cards. The band are a kind of cross between Abba and Metallica, if that gives you an idea of how colourful and loud they are.

One night, they were playing a local venue in town, and the lead singer decides he wants someone to get a chant going on stage - selecting a pal of mine who would have nothing of it, then spying me I am quickly dragged on stage. Mr A. as I shall call him, being the devious buggar he is, crouches behind me and reaches around to start undoing my trousers as I am singing - my voice wavers, my trousers drop.

Then I feel the rotten buggar get hold of my shreddies - in defence I quickly grab my T-shirt and cover my danglies as the rotten sod rips down my pants. I stood scared, in front of about 100 people at this tiny little club, and then something very bizarre happened - a moment of clarity - no there is only one thing to call it - I had a moment of pure Rock and Roll.

I then gave the audience a right good view of my knackers, gyrating as I did it.

Now I have no tackle to be particularly proud of, and have never been prone to flashing or getting naked in public - hell I wasn't even particularly drunk - but right then, it seemed the right thing to do. As I redressed myself to a standing ovation from the crowd, I heard one voice shout in my ear as I left the stage "Fucking A Man! Completely ROCK AND ROOLLLL!!!" - and that coming from an established rock star. Fucking A indeed :o)
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:01, Reply)

At Reading Festival '94 when I was 17
A man claiming to be Cypress Hill's official drug dealer (he had a pass round his neck) offered me an ecstasy tablet for my torch - ROCK!


Or perhaps not. Looking back in retrospect I feel that it's unlikely Cypress Hill would have an "official" drug dealer, & if they did he probably wouldn't be a white streak of piss offering his wares for my dads dog walking torch.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 15:00, Reply)

rawk en aw rowl
my most rock n' roll moment came when i was shagging britney spears up the arse, with her bent out of the window of a luxury hotel whilst snorting ketamine from the back of a shaved dog.

this may be false.

i was in a band who played on the same bill as catatonia & chumbawumba at a free festival about ten years ago, mind. nothing especially interesting happened. we drank warm lager & most people were pretty nice, mind.
(judge piemaster central, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Metal?
Another band I have done a lot of work for are a Japanese metal band called Electric Eel shock - a fantastic three piece, very priest/sabbath influenced who play a really wild show - drummer wears nothing but a single sock, beer is devoured with gusto on stage, and there is much in the way of thrashing guitars and leaping from marshall stacks - a very energetic and entertaining show, and one Ithoroughly suggest you check out.

However, backstage they completely change - They are the most polite, amiable and friendly people you could meet with some very strange habits - being not a supergroup they often have to rely on staying at fans houses on tour. Whilst the manager Bob Slayer will trawl your house and drink you dry of all alcoholic and household cleaning liquids, the rest of the band have been known to completely clean their hosts house in gratitude. And Aki, the lead guitar/vocalist is also one of Japan's top Fishing journalists - you will often find him interviewed backstage not by guys from Kerrang! but by the Angling Times about Carp he has caught from various London Canals or Japanese lakes.

Don't for a minute let that put you off - they ROCK!
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:46, Reply)

Theft
When I were a wee nipper, I was the principal cellist of my local youth orchestra. We were pretty good for a bunch of kids, and forged a relationship with this composer called Mark-Anthony Turnage, who used to write pieces with names like "Blood on the Floor" and "Three Screaming Popes", which gives you some idea of what his music was like.

Anyway, one fateful evening in 1998 we were given the honour of doing the world premiere of one of his pieces at the Royal Festival Hall - quite a big deal. Not willing to pass up the opportunity for a bit of post-concert debauchery, we hired a boat for a party on the Thames immediately afterwards.

Now, there was a problem with this. It was a very small boat, and some of us had large instruments such as cellos. So, a heroic bunch of parents stepped in and offered to drive all of the large instruments back home so that the cello section could spend a fun-filled evening guzzling Bacardi Breezers and puking into the Thames. We made arrangements that all of our cellos would be left just backstage after the concert, for the parents to load them onto the van.

Our concert took place at 6pm. The London Philharmonic Orchestra also had a concert at 7.30. At 7pm we were in the bar waiting for festivities to commence when the manager of the LPO came tearing up to us screaming, "Where the HELL is Mark?" (Mark was our conductor). It turns out that one of the LPO cellists had chosen to park his cello in exactly the spot we had arranged for our pick-up point. His cello was now doing 50mph on the North Circular. Whoops!

So, we stole a cello from the LPO, engaged in much underage drinking and then received a review in The Guardian the following day saying that we had played with "pornographic intensity". Result!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:43, Reply)

I was watching a mate's band reherse in the school music bulding
They were doing cover stuff and sounded ok. I was singing along when the lead singer asked if I wanted a go at vocals.

I was delighted as I always wanted to be a rock star.

Unfortunatly, I was dreadful. I had this faux-american drawl for some reason and was totally out of tune. I turned Nirvana's 'Come as you are' into un-listen-to-able rubbish.

Half way through, I stopped, apologised, and went back to my chair to watch them.

Cue weeks of being teased for my terrible voice.

That band is now touring the US, have appeared on the OC and have a couple of their songs on TV adverts.

Imagine if I had been any good!

(Length, girth...you know you love it.)
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:39, Reply)

...
Getting the train to play a gig, playing the gig then realising that we couldnt get back and all the money was spent on lager!
((((InfraSound))) SUNN0))) > YOU!, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:37, Reply)

I've had quite a few moments
I used to work for a well known and loved British Rock outfit who had some considerable success over the years - I used to look after their website but later was invited on tour as a photographer. During the long days on tour while the crew were knocking up, I'd gopher for various bits and bobs to help out.

One day, the drummer came up complaining he'd thrown his gloves into the audience after last nights show and needed some new ones for tonights gig - fortunately we were in London and being at a loose end, I offered to assist. In typical spinal-tap mode, he wanted a pair of golfing gloves as these were his preference so I wandered off to the nearest JJB sports and requested a pair of leather golfing gloves.

Now I don't play golf, and they were a tad surprised when I asked for a pair - for the uninitiated, golfers it seems, only actually wear on glove when teeing off. I explained my situation, and then was show to the rack where I searched in vain for a left-handed glove of the right size that would match a right-handed one of which their were an abundance, but to no avail. The lad in the shop suggested I head to their "nearby" superstore - it was in fact a 20 minute tube ride followed by a 2 mile walk through a completely unfamiliar part of surburban London. Add to the fact I was a) Hungover, b) had not eaten that day and c) it was about 30 degrees, by the time I finally got to the shop I was glad of the airco and the fact I might now be able to complete my task.

I explained to the shop assistant my predicament and explained in detail that they were for a drummer, and I needed a left and a right one. The guy happily assisted, gave me a glove to try on (as I had a similar hand size to the drummer), and once satisfied, pulled out a left handed one, and bagged them for me. Pleased as punch, but very dehydrated and suffering I began the long trek back to the venue.

Upon arrival, beaming with pride I presented the sticksman with the package to shouts of mission accomplished - chuffed, he pulled one out, tried it on and was most impressed. He then proceeded to pull out the second one to find the stupid cunt had just sold me two-right handed ones, having ignored everything I had told him.

I trekked off again, instead going to the local store and giving them a mouthful and demanding my money back for their imcompetence. I then walked to the next available store, some 4 miles away (Not a JJB I may add) and whilst trying not to pass out, explained my dilemna to the lovely shop assistant who happily provided me with a matching pair, both left and right and I returned triumphant, although completely destroyed of any energy. The drummer, was however most impressed and grateful.

Still composed myself that night to get up on the stage, whilst a group of my mates chanted "waynster! waynster!" as I went past security with my tripe A pass. Yep it was worth it...
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Anger Management
Me and a few friends once made it back stage after a Raging Speedhorn gig (back in the day) and stole the crate of beer that was, as we later found out, their refreshements. Later on we were treated to a rather fat angry drummer smashing up a toilet with a sink he'd pulled from the wall because the rep refused to get him any more booze, then blaming the drummer for drinking it all!

Classic.
(Spongeblunt Indeed sire., Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:29, Reply)

when i was 16
i was in a "punk band", i was the (terrible) lead singer, we used to sing pop songs of the day in Rock German
The rest of the band were middle class wannabe grunger kids whose parents bought them musical equipment to shut them up

but we ROCKED! (for about three weeks)
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:13, Reply)

I was a roadie for the Quo back in the 70's.
One day Rick decided he wanted a crossbow so I had to search all over Nottingham for one. Then when I came back with it, he hit me full in the face and screamed "No! I said I wanted to watch Crossroads!".

He was a big Noel Gordon fan and was obviously gutted that he had missed an episode. He made me and the other roadies improvise and perform an edition for him on the stage between the rehearsal and the gig.

I played Sandy in a wheelchair and had to steal the wheelchair from a day centre round the corner. Francis or 'Frame' as they called him just pointed at us and laughed, in fact they both laughed, bastards.

Alan Lancaster preferred Coronation Street.
( the RAND corporation a.k.a. Kevin Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:13, Reply)

Fruitbat from Carter USM once bought me a beer
Which was ironic, since I was running the hospitality and could have got one for him for free.
( Mr Gear the gay-maker, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:10, Reply)

REAL fame
I was roadie for the Fuglemen at their legendary gig at the Rock Garden in Covent Garden in 1982!

Hi if you were there - don't mention the All-nighter at the Roxy though.

Edit: ...and I was once fouth from the front at a QOTW gig on b3ta and (yay) it was my birthday.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:06, Reply)

Rockbitch
For those who haven't heard of them, Rockbitch are a lesbian band who live in a sex commune. They play nude and perform 'entertaining' acts on each other on stage. They also encourage audience participation.

Where was I? Front fucking row. 10 minutes in, the 'stage slut' comes out, spreads her legs, and invites the front row to finger her box. Which we do.

I then relaxed and enjoyed the show. I still remember my mates legendary comment in the pub afterwards: "There's nothing more beautiful or natural in the world than 5 fit birds tonguing each other out"

Music wasn't bad either.
(bblgoose, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Bill Bailey
Back when I was trying to co-run a comedy club, I held a run of Edinburgh previews (or more accurately the person with the contacts organised it and I did the donkey work and techie stuff, such as it was).

We had Bill Bailey in for one of the shows and before the doors opened we were getting his kit set up.

I was trying to be all cool and knowledgeable (despite being largely clueless, not a great combo I admit). So when he asked me if I had a DI box I breezily replied - "Yeah you can DI into the amp no problem mate".

We had a Yamaha PA and it was pretty good for it's cost and size and had a DI socket, like the crappy practice amp I had at home so I at least knew what that was. I thought he was referring to that when he was asking for a DI box but I didn't want to look foolish asking questions so instead looked foolish by making assumptions.

"No, I need a DI box if I'm going to plug my guitar into that PA" said the bearded one (still very patiently and nicely).

Once again I told him he could DI into the amp.

Slowly, patiently, like you would a child, BB explained what a DI box was, why he needed one and asked again if we had one.

I went into full on shoe-gazing mumbly arsed-ness and said "Oh. Um, no then."

He said "No problems, I'll do all keyboard stuff tonight".

And he did, he was great too (he did that musical about the ants "Human slaves, in an Insect Nation ah, ahaahaaaah" and the Leg of Time "Terry, you slag you stole the leg of time, give it back before you get a slap!")

After that I resolved to always ask questions when I didn't know the answer to things. And I bought a DI box.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 29 Jun 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Rock and Roll
I used work in the Rock And Roll industry. Lighting tech.

I had to do 6 months in the warehouse/workshop before I was allowed to go on tour. Finally did my time in the workshop, I was trusted to go on the road and the next tour would be mine.

Who would I get?

Rolling Stones?
Metallica?
Maddona?


No..... My first time on tour was Gene Sodding Pitney.

If I hear "24 Hours To Tulsa" once more in my life I'll being doing time for it.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 13:51, Reply)