I've slept in a hot tub.
ROCK AND ROLL!
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Tue 4 Jul 2006, 15:23, Reply)

Cocker is Cock Shocker
I worked in a hotel in Edinburgh several years ago which accommodated several very popular beat combos during T In The Park. On this particular occasion, Pulp were staying for several nights. Jarvis was a complete cunt during his entire stay, reducing room service staff to tears after yelling "How fucking long does it fucking take to fucking pour some soup out of a fucking can and heat it up in the fucking microwave???" down the phone when his room service order had been on for 10 minutes, being a drunken idiot in the bar and finally leaving a post-it note on the automatic doors upon leaving which said "This hotel is shit. Love Jarvis".

What a shame I didn't keep it, that would have been worth a fortune on eBay.
(ten_ton_truck of stuff, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 15:04, Reply)

On Stage With Girlschool..
"Storming the Castle" is a big biker bash held up in Durham - in September. Now at this time of year the field where the bash takes place is riddled with shrooms... fast forward to saturday night where myself and a mate were wandering around enjoying the effects of the said shrooms. Time came to find the bar, and we tried in vain to find the entrance to the huge marquee which held the bar, bands and about 3000 bikers. Eventually we found an opening in the canvas, strolled in whereupon things got a bit confusing.....
Me: "Why have these girls got guitars?"
Mate:"Errr.. dunno...
*turns round slowly*
Me: "Why are all those people looking at us?"
Mate: "Ulp."

It's amazing how paranoid you can get when you're being stared at by a coule of thousand bikers. The bouncers were surprisingly gentle...
(Ott3r, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 14:24, Reply)

Another one....
Watching the rather lovely female bassist of a particular band snogging the merchandising girl on my bed, while me and the drummer looked on and applauded.

And no, we were not allowed to join in :o(
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 13:33, Reply)

A particular favourite memory....
On a tourbus with the Wildhearts - the ace Jase Edwards (Ex Wolfsbane) on accoustic guitar, and a bunch of very drunken Wildhearts and crew singing "Daydream Believer" by the Monkeys at the tops of our voices. Purely Magical.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 13:25, Reply)

Rocket From The Crypt ( RIP )
played the Fleece & Firkin in Bristol about 5 years ago. I managed to get to the front, literally 3 feet from Speedo- an ideal place to get good photos, which I did. Raising my crappy camera yet again, Speedo noticed, reached down, moved hands and camera to one side and pushed the body of his Les Paul into my face. What did I do? Having had a few, I licked it. I can tell you exactly what a sweat-drenched Les Paul belonging to John Reis tastes like- vile and woody. Still, washed it down with his can of Stella and nicked the bassist's setlist.
*insert genital-type humour here*
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 13:09, Reply)

I once put....
some rocks in a roll and ate it. I now have less teeth than lemmy. Now that's rock and roll!

The End

No appologies.
(crispyshark, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 13:01, Reply)

Short and Sweet
From sound engineer
to sleeping with the bassist
to Drummer
To being kicked out
to breaking up with the bassist
to band never playing again

Then the next week....
(Chance1234 up for parole on, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 12:15, Reply)

A lot less Rock and Roll
But funny all the same.

About 10 years ago, I was living in Accrington where my best mate was running a small Hotel and Pub - it was cheap (but no DSS) so we used to get a lot of travelling workers - all good lads.

One particular friday we had a bunch of Irish Electricians come in - they were cracking lads, had a right good laugh with them as they played pool and sank a few pints - then as they departed for the rooms to get changed for their meal, I commented on the likeness of one of the chaps to one Chris de Burgh. Silence fell...

The lead sparky then pipes up "Shite, he IS Chris de Burgh's brother, but doesn't like to talk about it", and then Mr de Burgh pipes up "He's a feckin CUNT! Sent all his families a feckin bronze bust of his own head for christmas - but will he part with any feckin money - will he shite! Feckin bronze bust I threw back at the cunt 'n all"

So there you go - Lady Di, so charitable and humane, and her favourite singer - a misely shitbag with an oedipus complex.

His brother was brilliant mind...
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 12:14, Reply)

First Gig
I was the Bassist in non-legendary rock Cornish Punk band-of-hope "PFE" who failed to make any impact whatsoever on the local music scene in the mid 1990s. If you were in the Falmouth/Truro area at the time, you'd be entirely forgiven for not having noticed us. We lasted 2 gigs.

But Maaaaaan! Those two gigs were awesome. The first one was in the City hall where we opened on someones birthday gig - she'd managed to book about 4 bands, some of which were pretty good. We were to paid 1 pint of beer each.

After a very rock n roll squabble with a reggae band about the running order, we ended up going on first. It was probably fair enough since our entire set was only about 20 minutes and they'd played more gigs than we had. Mind you we fought tooth and nail not go on first as we were crapping ourselves by now.

At the sound check we found ourselves on stage between some massive speaker stacks. The soundman indicated that I should strum the instrument I now felt very uncomfortable holding, for level or something. I played as close to a riff as I could manage (I had taken the bass up in order to be in a band, not through any actual talent, about a month before the gig) and whole world seemed to shake. I then hid in the loo, terrified, with the rest of the band until it was time to go on.

Fortified with Special Brew and the prospect of humiliation (all our friends were coming), we took to the stage a played our first number - King Rocker by Generation X. Worryingly, we all finished at different times. King Rocker is a fairly tight number and we made it sound about as punk as playschool.

But we had grabbed the attention of the crowd (there were about 20 people in the hall by now) and some even started dancing as we tumbled through a couple of rolling stones numbers, something by the pixies and god-knows what else. By the end of the set we were the Red-hot-chilli-fucking-peppers (in our own minds).

We got an encore. By then we'd played everything we knew. So we played King Rocker again and this go we all finished at the same time. The reggae band had a hard job following that! (not).

We split, due to artistic differences, after the next gig.
(Stop, look, listen - Pheeeel. ...most turnin', stormin' sound of soul, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 12:05, Reply)

T in the park 2005.
last years t in the park was the best and worst weekend i've ever experienced in my 25 years on this rock.

I took up 300 ecstasy tabs to divide amongst my friends (there was 23 of us), so within a coupla hours of arrriving on friday morning i had just under £700 in my bag and only 10 pills left. we partied hard through to sunday afternoon (no sleep till brooklyn) where upon exiting my tent, joint in hand, i walk straight into a police officer. he takes the joint from my hand and searches my tent where he discovers the £700 and a coupla pill remnants. i spent 4 hours in an on-site holding cell, then they transferred me to perth police station for an other 6 hours where i was charged with possesion and intent to supply. i was kinda grateful cos i slept most of the time in the cells and i would have probably lapsed into a coma if i had stayed at T and kept takin drugs. they eventually released me at 1 in the mornin with no money so i had to phone friends to meet me at the gates and pay a taxi for me. upon my return i was treated as a hero and given a heroic dose of booze and drugs.

just b4 we left we stole a table the security use to empty peoples bags out onto, and i piledrivered my mate, morrow, through it.

the case regarding the drugs was finalised just a month ago and i got away with it. i told them the money was a kitty to buy booze and the sheriff bought it. i ended up with 170 hours community service for possesion. the procurator fiscal was livid cos he knew what id been up to but couldnt prove it outright.

white lines, dont do it... unless ur a very good liar.

i wont apologise for length cos i couldnt have told it any shorter.

if you want to see the piledriver thru the table, go to youtube and type in 't in the park mayhem'
(Raol Duke, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 12:03, Reply)

Schlager Festivalen
I'm sorry... but once again i'll start with this line...

"I live in Sweden"...

...and for the last few years I've been drowning in Schlager.
What is Schlager? Abba is Schlager (they prectically invented the shit), and everything that you hear with a cutesie melody and sweet words with an annoyingly jolly rythm is - besides shite - Schlager.

During one night of the year, every single Swedish household is gathered. Noone walks on the streets, and the entire country is covered by an eerie silence.
Euro-Vision Night. The ULTIMATE Schlager Fest... and the Swedes can't get enough. While the older people stay at home and watch in reverant silence, The younger generations gather and make paties out of it... They crowd around the TV with giant bags of crisps (Dill and cream-cheese flavoured usually) with a dip(s)... watching the TV. Wide-eyed and smiling goofy over-indulged smiles, they then vote like lunatics; usually testing the nations telephone systems to the limits.

Imagine the horror.... the sense of uncertanty and the end of all things 'as they were known' when Lordi - the most extreme of bands that Sweden has ever witnessed - won Eurovision... There was Swedish outrage: (Someone stood up and said "Ja.. I'm not sure that was a good thing" and elsewhere in Sweden, the king fell off his bicycle).

Yes.. Sweden was shaken rigid.

Oh.. rock an roll behaviour?? During the competition, (just after Lordi had played), Håkan double-dipped a crisp, Karin told him off, and then - in defiance - he Stuck His Tounge Out! SHOCKING!! :o0
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 4 Jul 2006, 11:52, Reply)

Shattering my rock dream at the start.
As an average 16yr old rock wannabe, my band headlined our college bandnight (mainly because we organised it).

Thanks to a great onstage rush of adeneline, i took of my shirt, whirled it around my head and threw it into the crowd.

It came back with a powerful throw and hit me in the face, just as the song came out of the instrumental.

I fumbled the shirt back on before blushing my way through the rest of the performance.

The rest of the band watched the moment in great slow motion detail when the video came out. Over & over & over.....
(holymole, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 11:35, Reply)

incubus
i once met Incubus and the support band 'far' after one of their fab gigs.

I got both bands to sign a tour poster i had nicked, including the very hot 'brandon' (the lead singer from incubus).

As brandon was signing the poster he kept winking at me, so going all shy, i just grinned back at him...

it wasnt until i had gotton home and looked at the poster, that i'd realised Brandon had wrote 'nice tits' across the poster.

it sold for £80 on ebay to a mother who bought the poster for her daughter for christmas!

yay.xx
(chixor, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 11:29, Reply)

Word Up!
I was once Larry Blackmon from Cameo's Codpiece.
(LunarJim, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 11:12, Reply)

I once had sex

with the guitarist from a rock band.

A guitarist anyway.

Well, I play guitar, so technically...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 10:53, Reply)

Let not talentlessness be a barrier
^I^ may not be rock and roll (I decided once to learn the bass is it would be easier, it had less strings!), but I have enjoyed blagging my way into the presence of those who are, a little bit.

Not hilariousl but as editor of my student rag some moons ago I got the chance to interview the band Arnold prior to a Ronnie Scotts gig in Birmingham. I took my mate along as 'my photographer' as he was actually a fan, and we watched them sound-check before they asked if we could do the interview in the pub. Cue departing to the pub where they drank heroic amounts of beer and treated us and just generally mucked about while my MiniDisc whirred along recording the banter. Sadly I can't recall anything funny that happened, but the gig was great.

On another occasion I got tickets to see the Barenaked Ladies at the Shepherds Bush Empire at the time when One Week was even getting Radio 1 airplay. The envelope on the door included after party passes and I was stoked. I was lucky enough to chat to one of the guys afterwards and he was nice and cool, and somehow I avoided being all star-struck and stupid. However, when he wandered off to mingle further I turned to my companion and pulled some kind of expansive 'yes, result, clenched-fist-drawn-towards-the-body move'. Then glanced over said companions shoulder to see another member of the band chuckling at my uncoolness. Mortified.
(Jibber Jabba The Hutt, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 10:46, Reply)

Donnington 1995
First open air gig went to see Metallica and other assorted heavyness one of our number, Jason decided to swan off into the Slayer mosh pit for the duration of their set he returns 35 mins later face completely covered (hair line to t-shirt) in blood. Wierd thing was none of it was his!
If that aint rock n roll I'm not Ginger!!

Have Fun

Wom
(Womble Lover Is in the corner kicking the cat, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 10:31, Reply)

Ego Trip
I used to be in a band with a singer who was also a part time model for Armani - thus had a somewhat over inflated opinion of himself. anyway, he had an agent, who managed to get him this thing on MTV, and thought it would be a good idea for the whole band to do it, to which we naturally agreed.
After wangling days off work etc, we troop up to Leicester Square with various instruments etc to film this thing only to discover that it's some kind of live talent contest, voted on by a viewer.
Less than impressed, in the first heat we're drawn against two blokes from Newcastle dressed in all white, singing a Boyzone cover. They go first, then we have a chat with the presenter, and do our thing (which doesn't fit in at ALL with the show).
It goes to the vote - tense, fingers crossed etc (from the singer anyway, we were all far too pissed off)...

12 year old Kirsty from Hull decides that the two Geordies win it for her. Cheers for that Kirsty.

We then have to stand in the background for the rest of the show, clapping and waving hands, pretending to be really impressed by the preening shitehawks on display.

After the show, our singer, having a little temper tantrum, decides to start chatting up a fellow contestant. Unsuccessfully. He then moves on to the female presenter, asks her straight off for a bluewhy, and on refusal storms off in a huff.

Twunt.

Length is nothing more than a theological concept.
*Kaboom!* My that was a big cherry....
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 4 Jul 2006, 10:11, Reply)

Rock and Roll your after eh
Well this story will surely go down in rock history.

At the spritely age of about 14/15 a chum and i for some reason acquired tickets to see USA Pop sensations O Town in concert in Nottingham.
Why, how, not entirely sure.

Anywhoo we hopped on the train, with crate of carling safely tucked under ones arm.
Then we proceeded to drink 24 cans of the warm rank rats piss between the two of us.
And we were there, screaming along with the 12 year old girls right until the end, and yes missed the last train to Birmingham and paid 40 quid for a taxi home.

Rock on
(bobthebluenose, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 7:02, Reply)

Dirty pretty Things
Went to see em not long ago and carl dived into the crowd with his head right next to mine "ooooh its hot in here are you enjoying yourself" he says to me "yes" was my reply!
Rock and/or roll
(cmscratc, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 5:59, Reply)

If we're on the subject of what we've thieved from gigs...
I've got fucking loads stuck on my wall, but my personal favourite is a 'Babyshambles official statement' from a doomed Newcastle gig earlier this year, because I was working in the academy that night. Funniest night of my life. That's rock and roll...I was flyering (I'm that cunt who shoves listings in your face when you come in to gigs, but hell, you paid to get in, I didn't) that night, a friend sold her ticket to a tout and got in flyering too. Doors were supposed to be at seven, but Pete had already been arrested (twice) that day and he was supposedly turning up anyway...anyway, it ticks round to about twenty to eight and suddenly the whole venue springs into action and all the security are flooding into the auditorium, the gig's off. And everyone was being kept in the venue 'for our own safety' while they disappointed the crowds outside.
I can't not mention the 'GET BACK AND STOP LAUGHING!', but I can't drop it into context.
I couldn't not giggle at the groan a few minutes later though. I was sat in the box office just afterwards and there was a constant barrage of phone calls, the phone would be put down and instantly ringing again...'Carling Academy Newcastle...no, I'm afraid it has been cancelled...sorry...bye...' put down...ring...etc.
I don't describe it well but it felt very rock and roll at the time...


(and now for someone completely different, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 0:55, Reply)

Moby - not really rock and roll!
This isn't that interesting a story but...me and some mates are on our way to see Moby in Birmingham. Walking to McD's for a bit of sustenance first (up the ramp) when a feller walking down the ramp whacks my friend over the back of the head with his umbrella.

He hits her so hard that the umbrella handle BREAKS OFF and is tangled in her hair!

I have never wanted to beat someone up so much in all my generally pacifistic days. He runs off so all I can do is yell 'CNUT!!!' at him at the top of my voice. We make it to the gig and sort of enjoy it - not my best Moby gig (the best one being at the Red Box in Dublin, 1999, as he was on the crest of fame - front row, feeling pretty good)
(drfusion, Tue 4 Jul 2006, 0:10, Reply)

Really off topic but........
Skinned up and smoked a camberwell carrot at the Chili's gig last night whilst sat next to a copper not half my age.
Crackin' gig!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 3 Jul 2006, 23:36, Reply)

book from embrace
saw embrace with my mate a few month ago. danny mc namara throws a book out into crowd and a jump up to catch it. got the bastard and then some twat jumps on my back. my mate repeatedly hits him in the face while i cling to the book because the guy is trying to get it off me (digging his nails into my arms at the same time). by this time i thought fuck it and dropped the book, threw the cunt on the floor and me and my mate gave him a right royal kicking in. we had the decency to lift him above the crowd so he could surf to the front. he took the book with him aswell
(wardie-slcm, Mon 3 Jul 2006, 23:24, Reply)

Hawkwind
Saw Hawkwind several times in the 80s before this event, but always at free festivals, where we were always surrounded by the freakiest and most colourful of the UK's spacecases.

When they played Edinburgh on the Elric inspired "Chronicle of the Black Sword" tour, my mates and I decided to REALLY dress the part, heavy on the sword and sorcery theme, big on backcombed spikey hair, and gold and silver hair and body spray EVERYWHERE.

Turned up at the gig to find that urban HW gigs are a little different. Instead of the usual fantastical hippy wierdness in the audience, we found two nervous looking kids in traditional white lab-coats, and about 2000 leather jacket wearing knuckle-dragging motorhead fans. We'd already dropped the acid, so there was no turning back.

A bit intimidated by the crowd of headbangers, we found the last great unoccupied space in the venue: the seats right in front of the right-hand speaker stack.

Deaf for days after. 'kin brilliant!
(kiki chunt now available in blank, Mon 3 Jul 2006, 23:21, Reply)

Bizarre fights...
My very un-rock n roll story containing no famous people happened in Derby. We used to do all the working men's clubs and conservative clubs and the like. This was the Kidney Bean Growers Annual Dinner Dance and Awards Ceremony. We used to do 60s and 70s covers and we did the first set and there was a bit of an unsettled feeling. We thought nothing of it and went outside for a fag and some fresh air and got accosted by a four foot midget who wanted a fight. Ali (6'2" built like the proverbial) told him to Piss off back to Munchkin land, to which the midget said "Oh sorry you looked like you were up for it".

Second set, half way through someone threw a beer mat. "Who threw that?" came the shout. Then another beer mat. And another. We continued to play. Then a chair was thrown. And a table... We ran and hid in the dressing room. Oh, I forgot to mention, the average age of the punters was about 68.

After hiding for 10 minutes we heard a knock on the door. It was a bloke of about 75 who said "I've been knocked down, I've got back up and I'm going out again. Great show".

We finally went out and did the last spot. All these people sat there in stony silence glaring at each other...
( PagDrag don't think we're in kansas anymore toto..., Mon 3 Jul 2006, 23:13, Reply)

V Festival
One year I went back to my tent at night only to find someone already in it, enjoying a drunken sleep. We dragged him outside where he promptly woke up and ran off. He left his trousers in the bottom of my sleeping bag which contained his wallet and phone.

I phoned up his mum and explained that her son said left his trousers in my tent, to which she replied, "Oh dear, that does sound like something he'd do."

Rock on.
(jacob, Mon 3 Jul 2006, 22:34, Reply)