Student? Stay at home spouse? Unemployed singleton?
Good news: you can save money by devoting 3 to 4 days a week to grocery shopping, purchasing what you need from the local butcher, greengrocer, etc., and use the remainder of your copious free time to bake bread, boil leftovers for soup, cook large meals to freeze, make/mend your own clothes, build your own car, brew your own booze, and pedal an exercise bike to generate your own electricity.

Working full time to support your family? Shop at the supermarket, once a week (thus undermining local business and making yourself part of the problem), or sacrifice what remains of your scarce free time to somehow engage in some/all of the above and accept that you'll never see your loved ones. Failing that, take out a substantial life insurance policy then arrange your own death - your family won't notice you've gone, but will enjoy living off the payout (like the smug cunts listed above).
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 22:45, 16 replies)

Kindle has been mentioned...
you can download free classic books! Treasure Island and kidnapped as good as they ever were! :) Using my smartphone app not an actual Kindle but I guess it's the same.
(bottle_cap, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 22:44, 7 replies)

murdering whores
I save money by murdering whores shortly after shagging them, thereby saving myself £50 each time.

@Scotland Yard: this isn't true
(hamblettamaud, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 22:20, 2 replies)

To any eurozone political types who found this thread via Google...
... these aren't the money-saving tips you're looking for.

But hey, good luck with the euro thing.
(Capo, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 21:36, 1 reply)

Despite the evilism of supermarkets, sometimes you wonder if they're capable of being global masterminds



Click for more biggerer. Found at Tesco, this evening.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 11 Nov 2011, 21:29, 9 replies)

save money on your tv licence....
by buying one for cash, and then when it expires, leaving it until the letters go from vaguely shitty, to utterly intimidating, to threats of death and pestilence. Then, when your bottle goes, buy one with cash. BUT IN A FALSE NAME. If you use your old name, they backdate the bastard licence to when the last one ended. Cunts. In this way you can get maybe 17,18 months out of a 12 month licence. If in the meantime you get caught out answering the door to one of their inspectors (schoolboy error) tell them you've just moved in and give them the name and address of a law-abiding friend, preferably in a different city. They tend to fuck off quite happily without asking for ID (phew)
( Sallyrsm, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 21:05, 3 replies)

save money on electricity and heating
by pissing in your hot water bottle
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 21:00, 8 replies)

save money...
AND don't give people the impression you're a complete cunt by not having your initials/name on your number plate. It's your car, we get it, you're driving around in it...
( Sallyrsm, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 20:54, 7 replies)

Shop at supermarkets
but stick to your shopping list and ignore special offers unless they are actually on your list. Nearly everything sold is cheaper than at your local butchers, general store or greengrocers.
( Peej, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 20:23, 13 replies)

Finally got round to getting a laptop
Trouble is everything I saw in the shops was way better than what I needed. The desktop at home has all my photos and music, which I don't need to carry around with me, all I need to do on the move is check email and basic office stuff.

Blagged an old laptop from a relative who was going to chuck it out anyway. Pentium 4, 1Gb RAM, 40 GB HDD, plenty for what I needed. Installed Ubuntu on it and I was away.

Saved around 200 quid and I get to feel smug. Go me!
(lolwhites, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 20:17, 5 replies)

Sell your Kindle
I know 12 people who own Kindles. 11 have stopped using them, the other hasn't finished the first ever book he downloaded on it yet (he got it last Christmas). If sales are as good as Amazon reckon you should get a good few quid for it on eBay or Amazon Marketplace and use the proceeds to buy something you might actually use.

Sell your Kindle and go to the library instead! Libraries are great. If they're still open. If yours has closed recently, think of it as an opportunity to get exercise by walking 14 miles to the next nearest one.
(cisco, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 19:56, 11 replies)

Save money on toilet paper by shitting on your windscreen and using the wipers.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 19:52, 3 replies)

Save money on drinks
In my really skint days I used to take out a bottle of mouthwash filled with cheap vodka with a few drops of food colouring. Buy a soft drink (or if you're without a single penny, a glass of water) and drink it. Then go to the Ladies' and drink the 'mouthwash'.
(52486 office lolled on, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 19:34, 9 replies)

Don't shop in supermarkets.
They're not actually as cheap as they'd like you to think, and you always end up coming out with bags full of stuff you don't really need instead of the one or two things you went in there for.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 19:32, 29 replies)

Quite a while back now, I was a major player in the construction industry
I won't mention the name of the company I was working for - the whole thing is tied up in red tape, and I could get into a lot of trouble. Anyway, we found ourselves being approached for a government job. Again, I won't mention which government, as I've already caused them untold embarrassment. They wanted us to do some work for them, and the money was great. It would have been the most lucrative contract in our history. The terms were agreed quickly, I was installed as project manager, and we got started on site.

At the time, I didn't know exactly what the facility was for, but after the fact a little research told me that it was a major military complex. Work went well, and we managed to finish on schedule and within our budget. We all managed to get ourselves a tidy bonus, and the site was operational almost immediately afterwards.

However, back then the construction industry was riddled with corruption, and I'm not proud to say it, but I was involved in some pretty shady deals myself. As with other buildings I worked on, it wasn't quite built to specification, and I cut some corners in the security systems so that I could pilfer some of the budget for myself. Because of this, a bunch of kids were able to break onto the site, and cause a huge amount of damage to the structure. Basically, it was irrepairable.

Normally, this wouldn't have been an issue. We had an excellent legal team, and this kind of thing would have been foreseen, and we'd be unnaccountable. However, in their haste to get things wrapped up (everyone was eager to get started - as I mentioned before, it was a huge contract), a few loopholes in the contract slipped by them, and we found ourselves having to stump up the cash for development on another site. It was a monumental fuck up - it left the company near bankruptcy, and I found myself without a job.

The company was then left to start the project from scratch. To their credit, they managed to assemble an outstanding team to build it, and found themselves nearing completion way ahead of schedule. However, before it was finished, it was completely wiped out by (it still sounds fucking stupid, even as I type this) by a highly organised group of hairy midgets.

Anyway, my money saving advice is this: if ever you find yourselves building an intergalactic death laser/space station, take a bit of time to cover the exhaust port with some cast iron grating. It'll cost you a few bob initially, but any bombs will simply bounce off it, and you'll save yourself millions.
(Keiths Dad, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 18:55, Reply)

pinecones make great decorations
rocks are handy doorstops.
nettles can be used to make free soup.
plastic bags double up nicely as washing up gloves
let a local dog lick your plates clean, saves on water and washing up liquid.
only put clothes on when you leave the house. your clothes will last for days without needing to be washed.
only wear underwear if there's a chance you might get run over.
save money on books by learning braille and reading spotty peoples' faces.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 17:58, 5 replies)

Don't buy an iPhone.
This isn't anything to do with saving money, it's just that people with iPhones are wankers.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 17:51, 1 reply)

Look after your poppy this week
If it stays in good condition, you won't have to pay for another one next year
( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 17:50, 3 replies)

Cut down on utility bills.
The washing machine is an incredible drain on your water and electricity bills. Save time and money by taking a shower in your clothes.
Save seven litres of water a day by only ever taking a dump at work.
If your company is good enough to provide you with showers, use them at work rather than at home. In your clothes.
( rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 17:21, 2 replies)

GENTLEMEN! Learn essential man skills!
1: Learn to cook for yourself! Cook in large portions, freeze it down.
2: Learn to sew on buttons and darn socks.
3: Blag your way to a better job by cultivating a fine moustache, then apply for jobs that are far above your current station. Then, if you're asked a question at interview that you've no clue how to answer, put you chin in your hand, stroke your moustache in an authoritative way and say: "I'm afraid I'd have to think on that'. They will take you for a solid, reliable thinking man, and hire you on the spot.
4: Tan your own leather to make your own shoes. Fresh hides can be found by stalking local truck stops at night with a bottle of chloroform and a hunting knife.
5: When the police come for you, scream defiance and brandish an empty shotgun at them. When a police sniper finally shuffles you off this mortal coil, not only have you saved the money you'd have spent on shotgun cartridges blowing yourself away, but all future medical expenses from then on.
6: When in hell, ask for a private furnace. You won't get it, but it gives you a negotiating position to start from. I'll see you there.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:58, 7 replies)

I work out, I eat right, I look great ... and then I married a rich guy. I save a ton of cash!

( ezero www.elizabethzero.com, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:54, 59 replies)

Look for Meat Wholesalers near you
Google is very helpful for this, and you can save an absolute fortune by going there.

Last week, I picked up 3 packs of bacon, a tray of sausages, 2 T-Bone steaks and a decent sized ham shank for £16.50. Even if you have to drive a distance to get there, you'll save money in the long run.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:45, 5 replies)

Go Comparethemarket
Car insurers will give you a good deal to join them as it makes their new customer stats look good. They'll charge you extra come renewal time to claw back some of that discount in the hope you're too lazy to cancel it.
I change my car insurance every year using price comparison sites, sometimes I'll stay with the same company but cancel one policy and take out a new one, but I never take a renewal offer. This normally saves me about £150 a year.
The free cuddly toy offer from one comparison site also makes a great Christmas present for a young neice/nephew as they'll probably love the adverts.
( TitanLX, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:26, 3 replies)

If you have a hairy arse
Wax or shave your arse. Glabrous skin is easier to wipe and you'll save £££ on bog roll.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:25, 3 replies)

Give up getting drunk
Then you can become a boring sod like me and not spend loads of money on pointless nights out in noisy clubs with other braying arseholes, falling over other people, sicking on the floor, arguing with trees and feeling rough as a bastard in the morning.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:23, 2 replies)

Van drivers. Save money on fuel costs.
1. First buy a premium rate phone number.
2. Display it on a sign which says, 'HOW'S MY DRIVING?'
c. Attach to rear of van.
4. Drive like a cunt.
5.
6. profit
(Unconcerned of Tunbridge Wells got to be innit to winnit, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:19, 6 replies)

Save money on Christmas/birthday presents
by losing friends and alienating your relatives. You can achieve this by not buying them any Christmas or birthday presents.

10 PRINT "circular reasoning works because"
20 GOTO 10
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:18, 1 reply)

Fizzy yoghurt
My Mum hates throwing food out and always has.

So she will eat anything, including fizzy yoghurt.

(Leave it long enough and yoghurt, amongst other things, goes fizzy).

Imagine all the money we could all save by eating rotten food?

My Mum is still alive, I am starting to fear that nothing will ever kill her.

That is all.
(Timrot, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 16:06, 3 replies)