Oddball mates
My friend has got a girl in his secret santa group a book entitled "So, you're an 80's child".
This girl was born 12th of December 1989.

She is actually convinced that her 19 days in 1989 make her an eighties child.

Fuel to the fire
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 19:27, Reply)

£1 presents, baby
at the youth group i go to, every year we have the "£1 presents night". everyone buys a present that costs exactly £1 sterling, wraps it, and puts it in a big pile in the middle of the room. then everyone gets a number out of a hat from 1 to however many people are there. person one picks up a present, opens it. person two picks a present, and if they don't like it, they can swap it with person one's present. things proceed, everyone picking a present and swapping it with one that's been already opened if they don't like it (the person with the lower number doesn't have a choice), until the last person has their pick of all the swag.

anyway, this year, myself and my sister went down to sainsbury's and each bought items to the value of £1. she got:

-1 bag of sainsbury's manky dry macaroni.
-2 bags of sainsbury's shitty noodles.

i got:

-a bag of peanuts
-a bag of shitty noodles
-a cabbage.

great success
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Sun 17 Dec 2006, 13:15, Reply)

Received the fairly standard Blow up Sheep
so fairly dissapointed. This was relieved though when it was filled it with acetylene and blown up in the cab of a lorry that was blocking up the rear entrance to the factory we were in. Palestine in Park Royal.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 11:34, Reply)

I'm sorry... the whole fricking concept
The idea that we should be coerced into spending our money on buying gifts for selfish, incompetent, anti-social retards for no other reason that the market economy has given us no choice but to spend 1/4 of our lives having to suffer their boring, dreary, obnoxious presence day in, day fricking out. Shouldn't these people just be grateful that there's nobody hiding behind the door swinging at them with a cricket bat as they file into work?

Why has Secret Santa become normal, while (e.g.) defecating into lunchboxes on buses hasn't?
(><(((">, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 11:04, Reply)

This is hilarious. Secret Santa in the UK........
Try Secret Santa in Southern California.

1) Be the lowest paid employee
2) The price tag is whatever
3) Pick the biggest snob in the office out of the hat

"Oh fuck, what do I get her?"

a) A knockoff D&G handbag (I would have said purse, put I ain't that much of a yank, yet)
b) A $50 gift certificate to M.A.C

Yes, it sounds like a lot, but to re-iterate, this is So-Cal.

What do I get? A $150 gift certificate to a local spa, a bathrobe from Bed, Bath and Beyond and a bottle of Ketel One.

This is why I go to work every day.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 8:26, Reply)

A bit harsh..
A guy at work was considered a bit of a wanker, so the gift of a porn mag and a box of tissues was considered appropriate..

But if this was a bit embarassing, my wife brought a member of her staff (who was a born-again Christian) a mug with various Kama-Sutra positions on it. This wasn't too bad until the woman decided that she wouldn't open it at work, but insisted on waiting until Christmas Day, and all of her family were around..

She wasn't pleased. My wife was over the moon though!
(BeatsWork, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 7:33, Reply)

To the biggest homophobe & just complete waste of space in my department:
A copy of Brokeback Mountain and a tub of vaseline.

He wasn't impressed.
(Colostomy Bag Explosion Lubing the gears of commercialism, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 1:13, Reply)

Revenge is a dish best served cold.
An expensive looking box, beautifully gift-wrapped. Inside, many layers of brightly coloured tissue-paper surround - an extremely realistic turd (fake). Oh, and a nicely printed card that reads "Someone, somewhere, thinks you're a shit".
(minimalist ..., Sat 16 Dec 2006, 23:56, Reply)

No secret Santas..
Sweden.. *sigh*

Well.. people get confused by this concept... and I've never been somewhere that has.. so sadly I've not had the oppertunity to give an unfortunate person a bitchy gift that highlights thier misfortune... nor have I had the oppertunity - much less the will - to shit on the christmas spirit like so many of you clearly have.

You complete shower of total and utter bastards... the ONE time of the year to show love an compassion.... and you use it to kick people anonymously in thier weakest place.
Assholes.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 16 Dec 2006, 23:39, Reply)

Evil
She's fallen out of a tree when she was a kid, and gone into severe shock.

All her hair has fallen out as a result, and she now wears wigs.

So what do I get her for her Secret Santa at the pub?

A shower cap.

Oh yes.

I wasn't there, as a result of quitting the week before (thanks in part to her passing the blame onto me for her mistakes), but the bitch deserved it.

Length? She nearly gagged.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 21:47, Reply)

For the nerdy geek who dropped me in it...
... a deck of gay porn playing cards.
52 erotic homo fuck pics ;-)

(It's amazing what you can buy in Amsterdam airport!)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 20:49, Reply)

Buncha cunts
WARNING, WARNING, THE FOLLOWING POST IS MAINLY A RANT. BUT IT'S A TOPIC RELATED RANT SO IT'S PARTIALLY OK.

At college, I have a friend group doing the whole secret santa shite. The girl who started it (my best mates girlfriend) is an utter bitch, I hate her, She hates me. I'm neglected from secret santa, which suits me fine.
She got her boyfriend (being the witty shit that she is) a doctors play kit (he's going to be a doctor), a sexy fireman calendar and has written him a letter.
All of those combine to make his secret santa and loving girlfriend present.
Total price of that: £20

She is a bit of a pikey and a real idiot who thinks way too highly of her self.
In this letter she has put such stuff as "You are my duvet that protects from the things that go bump in the night" and such shit.
The letter begins with "Words can't describe how I feel about you".
Surely that must mean the end of the letter.
(Also, she doesn't particulary like him, it's for money and attention - she flinches when he kisses her)

So after all that shite, he has gotten her:
a £12 giant cuddly toy (she's a really soppy cunt)
£12's worth of giant Toblerone (she's an overweight, soppy cunt... ew)
and A £75 FUCKING DIAMOND NECKLACE!
They've been going out for about a month and a half!

At least I get to see the look on his face when he unwraps it.

Apologies for length and rant qualities... but I really don't like her.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 20:05, Reply)

possible eye damage...
i was in year seven and being at the school 3 months or so i had made my enemies and one of them got me as their secret santa. i bought him some weird bouncy squidgy thing filled with vile looking cloudy glittery water. being quite into modelling at the time i knew the effects of a good dose of plastic glue on a bit of thin rubber. 5 minutes before unwrapping time i made a concentrated patch of plastic glue on this thing and hastily wrapped it up. on the first squeeze the thing exploded at this weakened point covering this kid in crap, cue him having to wash out his eyes for half an hour. it looked innocent, and it was all the sweeter that he'd positioned it to fire into his face.
(so_im_cynical, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 17:54, Reply)

Not me but a mate
She didn't hate her BF - it was a genuine present. Unfortunately for her then BF he'd lost the tops of his fingers of his left hand in a winch on a trawler. They called him "Fingers Kevin"

What did she give him for Christmas ?

An electric saxophone.

Honestly, I had to laugh :)
( Tiggy the diver, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 17:03, Reply)

Surprise!
I had a contract at a very boring bank. The other people who bought "Secret Santas's" got them bottles of beer, semi-humorous books, Ann Summers toys and the like.

I bought my presentee a stick insect. In it's own special vivarium.

(I was going to buy them a mongrel puppy but was talked out of that.)

(She was also the quietest person in the world so I was going to buy her a megaphone, but was talked out of that too.)

Jerry
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Relevant, as I only bought it last night
One carrot, one packet of condoms, and some lubricant.

Use your imagination.
(BathrobeHaver, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 15:31, Reply)

Four fingers
My work colleague lost his wedding ring finger first week into this job. Daves been here for 4 years now and every year we always gets a gift of a kit kat as it has 4 fingers just like him.
(grazer is sick of looking at houses, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 15:05, Reply)

One Christmas day...
I bought the girl I loved a bird and a tree, then she dumped me the very next day, so in revenge I followed up by buying all sorts of nonsense presents including swans, milkmaids and lords. She went loopy.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 13:05, Reply)

The brother, the one I don't really get on with...
For his 16th Christmas I decided to treat the unamusing little oik. Knowing the closest he had ever been to a woman was furtively frotting whilst on a busy bus, I compiled a little shopping list, and procured a sturdy shoe-box.

I also had to brave the shops. But it was worth it.

My list?

KY jelly
Cucumber - whole, green and as broad as a Berwick accent
Cream eclair - fresh
Latex gloves
A couple of soft-prawn mags
A blow-up doll
Some prophelactics - ribbed, for her pleasure
A tin of spam
Liver - 500g, lambs
Half a melon, Galia, if memory serves
Squirty cream - one tin

I ensured he opened it in front of the whole family. Job's a good 'un.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 9:39, Reply)

It's a long story...
... but at the end of it, a girl of about 15 got a used sanitary towel as a gift from a classmate. A terrible mix-up which has haunted the 'giver' for about 40 years.

Funny though.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 9:25, Reply)

humourless board nazi on another forum i post on....

..will be getting home made coasters of the lemonparty, goatse, tubgirl and hai2u pics from his secret santa this year.

because i'm chldish like that ;)
( gypsy turnips, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 7:11, Reply)

well yeah, I thought I'd be the only one this had happened to.

At the end of the year, my workmates met under cover of darkness in a cemetary to practice unholy rituals in praise of the Dark...

oh, secret *Santa*.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 4:40, Reply)

bindun?
£30 limit at work.

Bought my (female) boss a revealing outfit from Primark and a train ticket to Ipswich




*sorry
(FiftyFour, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 3:29, Reply)

Secret? No , my gift was known to all
Just back from rugby dinner...

And the gift I gave to all the men was a viewing of my recent piercing (see the QoTW)...no secret...but lots and lots of very happy rugby players...and a slightly pissed Chickenlady...
And I'm not even mentioning the emails & pics I sent this time to various people....you know who you are....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 0:43, Reply)

Reverse...
I've never given anything to someone I hate...

... but someone did once buy me a Pummice Stone for christmas not so long back, and it wasn't for a joke either...
(jiggling_john Heres a fiver, you lads get yourself some chippies, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 0:36, Reply)

Rich people give away great gifts
I always gave away pretty good stuff but I remember I always got crap. Ages ago when I was still in school and we did that secret Santa thing some REALLY rich kid picked my name out of the hat. He was living in this BIG mansion (his parents were both architects) which also consisted of a forest they owned as well. They had a bunch of cars (sometimes his father drove this old expensive vintage car), a swimming pool and he had 3 big rooms for himself. Now what did I get from that rich bastard child? A LOUSY PENCIL! He is rich so couldn’t he at least have given me a set of pencils? A piece of chocolate would have been more expensive. I also think the pencil was already used so he didn’t get me anything at all. Rich people are great.
(MarkP0rter is an annoying faggot, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 0:06, Reply)

Oh the many various joys
Living with some right royal twunts, and some nice people truth be told, secret santa comes to town.
Now the most awsome idea comes to mind, as i get only one of the three people i want to get dead.
I give them presents!
One got the most liquid of beer shits i have ever produced (tuppaware boxes)
2nd got ammonia in a vile... "shake it real good!" say I... producing in crack and pong that didnt leave there hands for ages (ammonia stinks btw - I am a biology student, get all kinds of stuff out the labs)
3rd person got a rotten fruit, which somehow (and happily) got tons and TONS of fruit flys (you know, the little buggers that get everywere in digs) which went everywhere when the box was opened.
I am so glad of it being "secret".
(City wall is not doing much, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 23:05, Reply)