I suppose..
you could get Rose West a surprise Alan titchmarsh visit with the ground force team.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Secret santa my arse
What a load of nonsense. So you bought the fat lass a diet book, the ginger bloke hair dye and the paraplegic rollerskates. How very funny. Ever occured that you're just wasting your money which could be better spent in Public houses? I did do it once though and pulled out my mates name, he pulled out mine. we both realised it was a load of bollocks but didnt want to let the side down, so I gave him 50 quid and he gave me the same. There was no point in swapping 50 quids over so we just kept the money in our pockets. which was quite lucky cos we were both broke.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:25, Reply)

breast lotion
my mate was not amused at all when i gave her a packet of 'breast firming lotion' that i'd bought at wilkos.

the rest of us found it funny tho!
(chixor, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:16, Reply)

Not quite secret but...
Just today, our boss gave my two male colleagues their presents. Beautifully wrapped, identical boxes. One contained a black t-shirt, the other a white t-shirt.

I said they should become human chess pieces.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 13:16, Reply)

Well, it happened...
Ours was today, and I refrained from kipper-age and instead opted for a cheap CD they'd like (Thank you HMV sale) and a bag of paedo-sweets (Werthers Original).

Boss (female) got a large pink dildo, then read very loudly with great disappointment: "OOOO I'll have to take it back. It says here not suitable for anal use"
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:35, Reply)

More foam than you could possibly imagine
About three years ago we had the old office secret santa – something I had never done before. Budget was set at £7 and off we went looking for those gifts. This turned out to be a lot harder than I had initially expected. I had drawn Corrina, the office hotty. After much racking of brains I suddenly found myself in a foam shop. Yes, that’s right, FOAM. Right there on the shelves by the door were all these off cuts of foam and one piece stood out instantly – firstly because it measured about 24in. by 24in. by 6in. and secondly because the price tag was £7. Egged on by my mate I ended up buying this foam.
The weekend before we were due to hand the gifts out I suddenly realised that it was a really fucking shitty present to give someone so I quickly ran off to Poundland and picked up the following:

*Blank video
*Giant pencils
*Assorted cable ties
*Protective goggles
*One can of WD40

Okay, I know that’s only five but I can’t remember what the last two items were.

When it came time to open the gifts I couldn’t actually watch Corrina unwrap it. I hid but I did hear her screech when she got the paper off. The perfect crime I thought, but no – it turned out that everyone had been discussing who drew who so it was instantly known that I was the guilty party! Bastards!! And to make matters worse they all assumed it was supposed to be a home bondage kit!

As for the foam I actually did end up giving someone a huge bag of foam once for his birthday but this time it was lots of assorted bits in a bin bag (you can pick these up from Surrey Foam in Caterham). His face was a picture when he realised that there wasn’t actually a ‘real’ gift in the middle!!

*EDIT* Just thought I'd add that my secret santa that year was a Bob the Builder bathtime fun set. I was so pleased.
(Phelpsy Bollocks trapped behind radiator since, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 11:57, Reply)

Naughty druggy badness
Had our secret santa last night, and my santa slipped some illegal narcotics into my present. Result.

Merry Christmas one and all!
(DustyMonkey, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 11:14, Reply)

Last year I got two cans of guinness........
...to start of with, not so bad you might think, it was also accompanied and an ashtray that was very similar to this. Quite funny but not when the Director of my department asks to see what I've got (I should also point out she's also a Pastor outside of work), cue much embarrasment on my part, plus I was a little bit pissed that everyone now knows I smoke. Nice.

The year before that I got some bloody chocolate covered ants that must have cost all of 2 quid.

I'm not looking forward to this year.

Oh, also my mate once a woman he workes with a 'Know body knows I'm a lesbian t-shirt' which was quite random seeing as she was married and has three kids.
(nevillebartos loves Bojangles, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 10:33, Reply)

another anecdote that's kind of relevant but not humorous
When I was 13 years old, I had a HUGE crush on a boy at my school named Aaron. He was, without a doubt, the nerdiest, geekiest boy in our tiny school, and I was smitten.

For some reason my school had, not Secret Santas, but Secret Valentines. A f*cking fantastic idea for a bunch of 12-to-14-year-olds-- what could be less frightening? Anyway, I actually managed to rig the draw, so I would draw Aaron's name and he would draw mine. Don't ask me how; it was the 80's.

I haven't the faintest recollection of what I bought him. I do know that I received a small white box decorated with red hearts, just large enough to hold a few Hershey's Kisses. I remember this because I still have that box, empty now and folded neatly inside a box of childhood mementos.

Of course, I may be misremembering the events of decades ago; maybe the box was really from that fat, mean, spiteful, Jabba-the-hut boy (also, coincidentally, named Aaron), and I've been deluding myself all these years and holding onto a small paper box for no reason. No matter. It still reminds me of Aaron, my first adolescent crush.

And Aaron, if you're reading this, sorry I never said anything but I'm happily married now and hope you are too. But now I've said too much....
( madrabbit is fully prepared, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 9:52, Reply)

best secret santa gift ever
My second year of college, my hall did Secret Santas (though everyone eventually found out who their Santa was). I got a shirt that was marked property of the university's track team, which was a pretty good present, and was from a member of the track team who, as a total nonsequitor, had to leave the term early to appear in court on account of having killed a man with his car. Really nice guy though.

That aside, everyone agreed that my friend Kristi received far and away the best gift of all (there was a suggested dollar amount but no firm limit). Her Secret Santa bought her a Christmas tree, and put it up in the common room with a sign that said "To Kristi from her Secret Santa." Everyone got together and decorated her tree. It totally rocked.

Not funny, I realize, but if you want to splurge on a Secret Santa gift what's cooler than a seven-foot-tall tree?
( madrabbit is fully prepared, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 9:26, Reply)

Same Chrissy party (per previous post) ....
... best present of the night was to one of the secretaries. The card attached waffled on about a secret admirer who thought she was HOT... Fair enough, she WAS. Although reading the card out aloud we all began to wonder on how he had stuck to the $5 limit when it mentioned the gift being "A white teddy and black g-string"

And right as it was for when she opened the present she found a white teddy bear with a black guitar string wrapped around it.

(But we were ALL still thinking of her wearing a white teddy and black g-string..!)
(Sir Jester, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 5:53, Reply)

i don't give presents, usually.
when i was a bartender, i had a customer come in after shopping and ask if i minded if he wrapped some gifts at a table. he was a good guy, so i said sure. when he finished he had wrapping paper left over and i decided to put some cigarette butts and other junk inside some empty packs and wrap them, then leave them unattended. sure enough, some goof stole the 'gifts' and ran off. everyone sitting at my bar had a big laugh. the end? no!

next day, an occasional customer came in and told us that some jerk friend of his had given him a present that was 'just garbage and cig. butts!' of course the regulars and i burst out laughing -- not only had our joke gained another punchline, but when the crabby giftee told us who the jerk friend was, we found out the identity of the present thief.
( postbear has metal knees, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 4:26, Reply)

Anti Cellulite Massage Oil
Ended up in the hands of some nasty chubby no-class secretary/PA

Her face was a picture
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 1:31, Reply)

Well.. not that any of us HATED him.....
.. but we all had our suspicions. He was such a nice bloke: ALL the girls would say so. *I* always thought he was a closet "campanologist" that had never rung anyone's bell(end).

Christmas do at the office one year and it was to be a $5 secret santa (worth around 37p to those reeling from *just* losing the ashes.) I'd bought the missus a back massager a few weeks earlier: It had an 8" slightly curved, 1" square wooden handle and a pair of 1-1/2" spherical wheels at one end.... (I can see that you know where THIS is going) She just couldn't handle the thought of having something so phallic rubbed up and down her back THAT WASN'T EVEN REAL...! So I wrapped the thing up in Chrissy paper and wrote Mal's name on it. I even wrote SMITH on it as a surname to confuse people as to whom the present was for, but my ruse came unhinged, for that WAS his name..!

Christmas do comes around and when the gifts came to being handed out, the office tart that was hunched down under the tree (whilst we all ogled - the main resaon for why SHE was asked to do the giving) paused to catch her breath as she picked up this phallice and then blushed when she realised what she had in her hands..... at the SAME TIME all the gils in the office gave out a near-inaudible sigh. (I'll never know if this was in anticipation of hoping the gift was THEIRS or from previous sad misgivings and lack of lengthliness)

When Mal's name was read out all the smiles dropped from the girls' faces and as much as he blushed to show his embarassment, I swear that I saw his pupils dilate in anticipation of what lay ahead.

Hs covered his tracks well, I must admit, when on unwrapping the gift he annouinced that, "I shall enjoy using this on my wife". Bastard hid THAT little fact well hadn't he, so I simply asked "Or would it be nicer when she uses it on you...".... he laughed liek he didn't get the joke.


Oh well, maybe I could have been wrong, but I began questioning even that when later at the bar he asked if it was me that had gave him the gift and I replied, "Yeah, thought you may have had a laugh out of it. But to be honest, I have always had this sneaking suspicion...." TO which he said, "Yeah, so does my boyfriend..."**

(** well, ok THAT last bit was a bit of a stretch of the truth. Turns out he WAS straight but has always had people ask him.)

And I shan't apologise for the length - it may not be the same length as the massager, but I sure know how to make it FEEL that way. And in width.....!
(Sir Jester, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 1:26, Reply)

From "RhymeZone"
2 syllables:
decca, eka, klecka, meca, mecca, pecka, zecca

3 syllables:
azteca, barreca, caleca, fonseca, lagreca, marceca, marseca, marseka, porreca, rebekka, scimeca, tribeca


Or, "Becky" (if you call her that):

2 syllables:
becki, beckie, bekki, cecchi, checchi, leckey, leckie, mbeki, techie

3 syllables:
bielecki, dravecky, malecki, matecki, morteki, pilecki, radecki, suchecki, ueki, zarzecki, zemecki

4 syllables:
bialecki

5 syllables:
mazowiecki

Um, try changing the line.
( Bats, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 23:05, Reply)

Mecca?

ooohh Rebeccaaaa

you are my Meccaaaaaaaa!!!!!

it practiacally writes itself...
(General Arfarfarnarf He who hesitates, Masturbates!, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 21:56, Reply)

Our secret santa's in two days
Got home this afternoon and realised I hadn't got her anything. Couldn't be arsed to go out again, so I thought I'd write her a song. Nothing amazing, just a quick thing, record it on the ukulele and burn it onto a CD that night. The perfect lo-maintenance personalised present that they'd never forget.

Now here I am, four hours later sitting at my desk.

What the fuck rhymes with Rebecca?
( hexachordal la la la la la, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 21:54, Reply)

One year I forgot to buy my person a present
I was most surprised that no-one ever got to the bottom of who it was that shirked their responsibilities: In that office the secrecy of the santa was sacred!
(Rhysickle Proudly going without a signature until... now, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 21:43, Reply)

Not impressive an impressive story but -
First job, first Secret Santa. I decided on a box of chocolates. I didn't know the woman well but everyone likes chocolates, don't they?

Wrong. We all went to a restaurant and I happened, by unhappy coincidence to end up opposite her on the table so not only did she see that I was her Secret Santa but I had to endure two hours of her talking about how well her diet was going because she had just changed how much she ate... just imagine the typical middle-aged woman "I'm talking about my diet" conversation.

She didn't even bother concealing her disappointment when she opened the present.
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 19:47, Reply)

Yummy
I used to frequent the newgroup "Alt.Tasteless" (people under 25 may wish to go off and do some research. Or maybe not.) and every year there used to be a TSS (guess.) I must say I was rather disappointed with some of the presents I recieved, but I'm proud of what I sent out. Gawd knows how some of them got thru' customs.
My two favourite (home-made for not very much.)
- A Rinestone-encrusted speculum.
- A paperweight full of mice pinkies.

While I missed out on seeing the faces of the recipients, I do have the memory of explaining to the pet store employee *why* I was looking for the best shaped pinkies. (Pinkies being dead newborm mice, sold as snake food.) I still have a paperweight at work...
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 18:44, Reply)

I just bought a hamster and put it in a shoe box...
...which my unsuspecting boss will be opening at the christmas dinner, in a swankly hotel, tomorrow night. £5 budget, £3 spent.
(muler, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 17:19, Reply)

My friend keeps signing me up for free samples...
I only found out who it was today.

So far this month, I have received:

- 'Age Renewal Foundation'. Not funny, I'm not female, nor do I care about how I look.

- 'A Parent's Guide To Successful Potty Training with Huggies Pull-Ups' (DVD). Not funny, I'm too young to be having children.

- A measuring scoop. Really, don't ask.

- A Jack Daniels' calendar.

- 4 Free 02 SIM cards (not bad).

It wouldn't be so bad if the envelopes weren't labelled 'Miss', 'Mrs' and 'Ms'.
(Grim Jimm makes loud noises at myspace.com/corpsewalking, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 16:33, Reply)

Anal Beads
I was once given some of these by a Secret Santa proving that it is indeed better to give than to receive.
( arsefez is back, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 15:53, Reply)