My cat once ate
a 6 foot-long piece of red and green string, which it couldn't completely crap out. There i was, sitting in my living room, and my cat comes running through with about 5 feet of it trailing from its ass.
Considering it was around christmas, she looked rather festive.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:52, Reply)

Lady poo
When I was a student, I lived with 2 other guys and (therefore) we had all experienced the horror of walking into a freshly poisoned toilet. However one night, after a really shit evenings work at Tesco's, I walked into the flat toilet and was instantly greeted with the foulest of airs imaginable by man. Knowing that at least one of the bastards was responsible I started shouting "You dirty fucking cunt! It fucking stinks of your evil shitty shit in there you diseased bastard...".

As I walked into the lounge, not only were both my flatmates in, but so were 2 of their parents. The Mother looked at me in disgust and stomped out before I could aoplogise for my language. I only found out after they had left that (with my other flatmate nearly shitting himself laughing) they had only 'popped in to use the loo' - and it was her who had needed it.

Oh dear.
( moonjam, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:15, Reply)

Shitty Bollocks
I once had a shit in a toilet with a particularly shallow bowl. It was a quite a long solid one, and unfortunately was just shorter than the distance twixt anus and porcelain.

It left my arse and almost immediately hit the bowl, and because the fall had been so gentle it stood up straight for a second instead of breaking or splatting. It then leaned forwards and gently caressed my unsuspecting bollocks with its shitty tip, leaving behind a fair sized deposit, before slumping against the front of the bowl as if satisfied with its evil work. I had to clean my poor shit-smeared sack and run home for a shower.

The sensation of having shit on your bollocks is fucking awful, especially when you were just having a normal casual shit and you weren't even fucked or ill or anything. *shudders*
( wingphil, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:44, Reply)

ooh i thought of another one.
i was walking my dog, and suddenly felt the urge...

so i took cover and did a huge steaming poo. it was steaming cos it was winter.

my dog started eating it almost before it had completely departed from my body.

it was the most disgusting thing to watch. but watch i had to. he ate every bit of it.

he died a little while after that, caught some viurs, pulvo virus, probably from me.

ah well.. you know what they say... eat shit - and die.

be warned.
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:41, Reply)

our jack russell
once got a jagged section of bone stuck sideways in his rectum. I had to go in, with rubber gloves, hold him backwards under one arm and pry it loose. It was like playing the bagpipes, only with a nicer sound.
( e.parsley, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:39, Reply)

poopants
At the end of a messy evening I found myself crashed out around my friends house with a few other pissed twats - most notably, 2 girls.

After drunken banter we all started to fall asleep, until one of the group loudly farted. Naturally the whole room errupted with laughter, save one of the girls screaming "That's disgusting!", to which my friend leaped up, pushed his y-front covered arse next to her face and visibly strained. He got much more than he bargained for and what the poor girl saw was a small turd poking at his pants like a midgets erection.

I believe he is still single.
( moonjam, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:58, Reply)

Water (?) feature
Ooooh first response to a question of the week... sorry for length...
Used to work in a terrible 70's semi-skyscraper just opposite the Houses of Parliament (Westminster Tower, crap building fans). It was notorious for faults and things breaking down, but the piece de resistance occurred one sunny day in 2001.
The kind ladies of the 4th floor, having been warned many times, finally succeeded in flushing enough sanitary wares down the 4th floor bogs to block them completely. The resulting failure was catastrophic - 13 floor building and terrible plumbing, so somehow 8 floors' worth of backed-up piss and shit exploded forth from the cubicals.
First warning on the 1st floor was the increasingly appalling smell, followed by the cry of disgust of the first person to open the stairwell door.
The stairs were a yellow-tinged waterfall, with frequent turds, tampons and other loo detritus plopping their merry way down. The stair treads were also open, so a continuous piss/shit shower was in effect as well.
Management sent us all home because of the 'health hazard', but sadly the lifts had been switched off because of the wetness, so the only way out was by playing turd hopscotch down the stairs while piss, shit and tampons dropped on our heads.
Never believe anyone that says it's bad luck to open an umbrella indoors.
(testmeuk, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:24, Reply)

Last one...
Our school used to have a yearly 'school camp' outing, which was as tedious as 5 days in a field can be for 15 year olds. Given the state of the 2 portaloo's (wasps/ants a plenty) I vowed to piss against trees and simply not shit till I got back.

I hadn't counted on the amount of food that we'd be eating (not to mention the full cooked breakfast I'd had the morning we'd got there). And so, rolling around in my tent in complete agony on the last night, I decided to take a shit. Not just any shit, a stealthy ninja shit.

I scrabbled in the dark with a roll of Andrex in hand (I'm not an animal) and walked until I felt I was far enough away from the camp, squatted and dropped away. I finished up and went back to sleep contented and relaxed.

It was the next morning when I saw my French teacher clutching reams of shitty toilet paper that I realised my mistake, I hadn't accounted for the wind that night... It had blown my used toilet tissue all across one side of the camp site and now, visibly retching, a grown man was plucking poo-paper from the branches of a tree.

As he walked passed asking no-one in particular "Who would bloody do something so bloody stupid!", I shook my head and tried to look angry, puzzled and innocent. Of course I should have said "Me! It was me!"
( moonjam, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:09, Reply)

Gravity defying poo
When my sister was about three I was getting her ready to have a bath. I left her alone for about two minutes and when I came back she'd pooed all over my room. My mum came down and we cleaned the floor up. But then I noticed something astounding, I shouted up to my Mum 'Mum, Grace has pooed on the wall'. She shouted back 'Well get some tissue to wipe it off then.' I replied 'No, you misunderstand me. She has actually done a poo on the wall'. It was quite a sight, god knows how she performed this gravity defying stunt, but we were so impressed at the turd, a foot from the ground and showing no signs of heading to earth, that we rang our neighbor up to come and have a look as well.
(Svajoklis, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:41, Reply)

One's a story...
Number 1:

Right, at work we have got 3 cubicles and it was the Christmas party pre-bash of drinking before going out.

I was sitting in the left one, Managing Director in the middle and Ollie went on the right after the MD closed the door.

I let of a bit of a fart and pooped a fat one which stank, and my MD tutted...then quick as a flash Ollie shouts.

"An now...in STEREO!"

And does the loudest, stinkiest fart followed by loads of bum cigars falling out his arse sploshing all the way with added knucnkle biting sounds and parps.

"Ah...Neptune's kiss..." He said after as the boss ran out the toilets feeling sick from the smell! *Neptune's kiss is the water that spashes up your jaxie after.

Lets just say the MD gave Ollie dirty looks for about 5 months after!

Cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:03, Reply)

As much as I love regular sex,
my boyfriend and I also like to indulge in the odd bit of "fudge packing".
I usually find afterwards that my poop
a) stinks like poo with an aroma of jizm
b) comes out very oddly shaped, almost flat but long, as if it's been ironed.
Even when my bowels are empty before getting shagged up the arse.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 6 May 2004, 5:31, Reply)

Proud to be British (My Mate)
My Mate a lorry driver, on his way to deliver his load (fnar fnar) stopped off at a diner on route to Paris, went to the toilet did a monumental shit on the shelf like toilet, only to realise the sign on the door in French was toilet don't work, at this point he went back to his cab and got a union jack cocktail stick and stuck in the top of his Everest dump, then called me in to look at it i nearly shit meself laughing
(joeyjojo schabadu, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:31, Reply)

As I sit crying with laughter...
....you really can't beat a good poo story....I have an indelible mental image of my colleague R******, on a skiing holiday, after two days of tequila and beer, with little or no food - feeling the birth pangs turn into the two second warning, he lagged behind the group and stopped, dropped his ski-pants and released.

Without removing his skis first. We had paused for him to catch up, unaware of why he had stopped, as he appeared over a small ridge, scuds round his ankles, bereft of ski poles, still crouching, leaving a thin brown trickle behind. I have never seen anyone look so horrified with embarrasment. He was quite proud of it later, though.
( godstar, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:01, Reply)

Cacka
My friend once did a rather fine turd (even colour, good shape) the only distiguishing feature was that he had shat out a wasp, it was well imbedded in the cack, it was not a case of the wasp being in the wrong place at the wrong time, he had definately cacked it out. He was more than a little freaked out.
A different friend had to face his next door neighbours after a party at his dads house:
Neighbour: can you clear some shit off our lawn left by your mates.
Friend: How do you know its not your dogs
Neighbour: Dogs dont wipe their arse with tescos till receipts...
(maximcondor, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:49, Reply)

You can try this at home!
A friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend had a party piece where he'd pull down his pants, point his arse at his wife, squeeze the very end of a poo out, exclaim "HOW'D YA LIKE THAT, THEN?", and then suck it back in again.

It went horribly wrong at a particular gathering when he squeezed a tiny bit too hard and defiled the carpet.
(gpoulton, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:55, Reply)

Ooh, almost forgot this one
My buddy Duke (how appropriate) told me the most horrendous and humiliating public shitting story I've ever heard. He was at a festival-type all day concert, but they had proper toilet facilities, not port-o-potties. And he had a kettle of volatile diarrhea brewing so he went and got in line for the crapper. It was a bathroom for a large venue so it had lots of urinals but also lots of toilet stalls, only they had no doors for some reason. So the place is packed to capacity and the line (queue) stretches out the door. So you have to stand there facing the row of occupied stalls waiting your turn, looking at people's backs if they're pissing or their genitals if they dared sit. Few dared. One by one people finish their business and walk out and the the next guy immediately takes his spot. So Duke's the next man, and the crapper right in front of the line opens up. He's noted the absence of stall doors by now, but there's nothing for it. He's going to explode. He's got to go. But as with every public-toilet-drunken-concert situation, the raise-the-seat-before-you-piss rule had been abandoned early on, so he's not about to sit on the piss-splattered thing. So he does the awkward hovering squat that I hear the womenfolk speak of now and then, sort of half leaning back and bracing one hand against the wall for balance. He's got his pants down to his knees, legs spread enough to keep them from falling all the way down, because the floor is a under minor flood of urine, and his man bits are on display for the line of guys waiting their turn. I guess none of us are accustomed to having to actually aim with our anuses and Duke was no exception. Because when he let rip, it didn't go down - - it went back - - in an explosive spray of giblets and gravy. The whole line of guys in front of him is recoiling in disgust and trying to look elsewhere and Duke's just frozen there in horror and helpless humiliation, thinking, "Sorry! Oh fuck, sorry!". And he wasn't finished. He tried to correct his aim but it was really no good in that squat position, so a couple more quick salvos went onto the wall and floor. He finishes, wipes, buttons up, takes a quick, pained look at his large mess and just has to leave. And he has to walk out right past the long line of guys who've just witnessed him paint the stall with his shit mud. It's hilarious now, but dear God, that must have been horrible.
(kookoobirdz, Fri 7 May 2004, 0:45, Reply)

Shitty Snuff
Whilst I was at uni, my friend and myself got into the habit of doing snuff. On this occasion, being winter, we had a menthol one that looked just like a white powder...

We were both in a club pissed up, chatting when my mate suddenly says to me 'yeah, yeah...anyway I've just shat myself.'

Laughing we both go off to the toilet. My mate goes into a cubicle and starts cleaning himself up and using a broken bottle starts to cut off his shitridden pants.

Laughing outside the cubicle, I decide to have a bit of snuff. So there's me snorting white powder off my wrist - when 3 blokes walk in and see me. They start demanding I give them some 'coke' and things get a bit nasty when they dont believe its only snuff. A scuffle soon ensued, ending with my mate flinging open the cubicle door - standing there naked from the waist down, with shit on his legs, shit on his hands, a broken bottle in one hand and a pair of shitty pants in the other "Leave my f*cking mate alone you c*nts!!"

They did. Quickly. The expression of horror and fear on their faces was priceless.
( ashurek, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:33, Reply)

There was once a rather large turd
of unknown origin in my toilet. It was not so much floating as blocking - after several flushes it still wouldn't go down. Being the irrational teenager I was, I decided to clear up this problem using bangers, 5 actually.

This resulted in me being deaf for the next 20 minutes, my mum calling me a 'little shit' for the next hour (bit ironic really) and a nasty mixture of toilet water and crap up the toilet wall for the rest of the afternoon, which I eventually had to scrub off.

Needless to say I haven't tried that again
(Big 'ole Jimbo Jones, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:24, Reply)

Our dog found a bucket of Artex in the garden
And by the following morning had left perfect white plastercast turds all over the house. They had to be chipped off the floor with a spade.
(Mild Green Fairy, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:02, Reply)

Dr Poo
In my last place of work we used to have a phantom shitter who we named 'Dr Poo'. Over a period of a few weeks he proceeded to produce some truly mind boggling messes in our work toilets. He must have taken great pride in them because he never flushed the chain leaving everyone to view his turd sculptures(like a Turner Prize entry).

Dr Poo's creations were usually heavy skids or (if we were particularly unlucky) a piece of poo on the toilet seat. If the latter happened, you'd vow never to use that paticular cubicle again (although after a couple of weeks most people forgot and used it anyway).

At the time, I was part of a group of mates who found Dr Poo's actions hilarious, but the hilarity soon turned to paranoia as, in turn, each of us accused the other of being the turd releasing villain. It was like one of those films in which a group of friends are trapped somewhere - they start off in good spirits but then their moods worsen as the situation becomes grimmer and they end up killing each other (you get the drift).

Dr Poo's 'Piece De Resistance' happened not long after in trap 2 of the fourth floor toilet. On entering said trap, I lifted up the toilet seat to be greeted by what can only be described as the most extreme pebbledash shit you could imagine - It was as if Dr Poo had a sprinkler attached to his arse.

Naturally I walked out, told a mate and then decided to wait for our other friends to discover Dr Poo's delights for themselves before rolling around on the floor laughing (a la Bart Simpson after making a crank call).

Eventually, we took to taking prolonged shits in trap 1 and 3 to listen to the reaction of other people as they lifted the lid of the toilet in Trap 2. The best reaction was from a tall American - On lifting the lid he proceeded to scream 'Good Lord!!' before running out of the toilet door.

Dr Poo's sprinkler shit stayed in it's natural pebbledash state for nearly 3 weeks (it wouldn't even flush away from the porcelin). Eventually the office manager jobsworth got the post boy to dress up in a radiation suit type thing and scrub it away.

Not much was heard from Dr Poo after that. Although we were introduced to his evil twin 'Dr Blood' not soon after.
(raymeister, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:51, Reply)

College trip to Dublin...
... and almost all of us came down with food poisoning, some more severely than others.

I got worse and worse, lying in bed sweating and gibbering. I woke up with my English Lit lecturer concernedly mopping my brow. Embarassed, I leapt from the bed and staggered into the toilet to take a dump.

As the dump came cascading out of my tea towel holder, I realised I was going to speak Welsh. I decided to swivel round 180' and sink to my knees in the classic "white telephone" stance.

Only, as the bile rose through my throat, I couldn't stop the fizzy gravy from pouring out of my rusty bullet hole.

What transpired is best described as a "360 degree fountain of vomit and faeces". I coated the toilet, the wall behind it, the floor, and my clothes as I tried to point both ends in the same direction, failed, and rotated in a devastating poo and spew spiral.

Having emptied both ends, I crawled into the shower and tried to clean myself up. I then somehow got back into bed and passed out again.

When I next came too, my roommates were standing over me looking concerned. Sympathetic? Hardly. "Clean up that mess you left in the toilet you dirty bastard"

So I spent the next couple of hours pathetically sponging my poo spray and technicolour yawn off the walls of the bathroom.

I nearly had to go to hospital, but thankfully recovered sufficiently by late evening. A health inspector arrived and asked for stool samples. I tool the little phial, not really knowing what to do with it (I was still pretty delirious). Did I just dip the plastic probe into a big log to take a sample? Did I heckers.

I positioned my business end over the tube, and let rip an enormous poo. It was too big to fit in the tube, so I poked it in with my fingers and screwed the cap over the whole smeary mess.

When we went to give our samples in, they had thankfully given us little brown bags to hide our anal shame. Thank goodness, because I wouldn't have wanted the other guys at college to know that I was a dirty bastard who had just been pooing into his own hand!

gavD has never returned to Dublin.
(gavD, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:06, Reply)

At college, many moooooons ago...
somebody had laid an extremely large turd in the sink in the gents toilet - it really was quite impressive.

2 days later it was still there, except someone had cut out a circle of paper, drawn a smiley face on it and stuck it on one end of the turd. Then they had made a little cocktail stick flag with its name on : "Dougal"
(Daveybaby, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:01, Reply)

Train turd bomb
Our village has an old fashioned level crossing with gates and a station master. On their way home from school, my little brother and friends would take turns to fill up the toilet with their dirty mess.
Someone would be looking out the window and shout NOW as the train entered the station and passed over the level crossing. Kilos of turd would be dropped from the full bowl, covering the level crossing.
Commuters would have to dodge the turds, cars would spread it all over the road, then the station master would have to scrape it up with his special spade. This happened almost daily.
(mrdirtylegs, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:09, Reply)

Woof
My old man used to be a copper, he was called out to a burglary once at an old womens house, when he arrived she let him in and an Alsation dog followed, the dog proceded into the living room and sat in front of the fire,
my dad started talking to the old woman, during which the dog took a shit on the carpet, the old woman didnt say a word,
when he went to leave he was just about to get in his car when the woman shouted "Are you not going to take your dog with you?"
( Kris Fucking Kristofferson, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:21, Reply)

A few years ago...
...when I was at school, we went on a trip to Italy. Someone did a shit in the sink, and when the teacher asked if it looked human, my mate replied "no sir, it looks like a shit"
(Sabertoothed_monkey, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:43, Reply)

Gargantuan
Not as bad as one I read earlier but while at a previous job there was a rather large chap (read: fat as fuck) who constantly stank out the sales floor, one time so much that the MD actually had to give him a stern talking to.
I was working at my desk on the ground floor and noticed that there was water running down the wall, turned out that not only had he blocked up the trap he was using but had wedged the enormous piece of shit in the main sewerage system somehow backing up all of the plumbing in the building!
Took a while to sort out as because it had managed to slime its way out of the building and into the public systems the Council had to come and shift it.
That day from that point on was known as 'The Hunt For Brown October'.
(Doogal, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:54, Reply)

Standard turds
Apologies if it has been mentioned already, but there are US & European standard turds. I worked in an engineering company and when they test sewer channels for flow characteristics, they use the "Standard" turds, cylindrical weighted objects. The US standard turn is larger than the European. That's a fact.
( winston_theramin, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:47, Reply)

Another academic poo story
While a mate was at Imperial College many years ago he was in the Union Bar and in strides the College Loony. "If I crap in my pint of Lager and then drink it, who's going to buy me another pint?" Many hands go up, so Loony buys himself a pint, gulps a third of it to make room and then heads for the basher. A couple of minutes later he returns proudly brandishing his glass with promised floater standing therein. A few seconds later the deed is done, and those that haven't run to the basher clutching their stomachs and/or mouths are buying the drinks as honour demands. As a grand finale / encore Loony eats the turd before starting on the free lager. It was of course a mars bar but I'd defy anyone to tell the difference after a couple of minutes immersion in watery college beer.
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:01, Reply)

when i was a baby, inexplicably
my parents decided to take me in a hot tub.
one with the swirly water. round and round.
and it was communal at the hotel they were at.

the other inexplicable part, is that me and my nappy were parted.
i shat.
it went round and round.
everybody out.

i dont remember this as i was a baby, but it is brought up at every available family occaision. i'm almost proud.
(elegans, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:27, Reply)

Another long one sorry...
My Gran (godresthersoul) used to visit us every Christmas - an event that gained an air of comedy once she had developed a knack of farting at the dinner table. Me and my Brother not only had to pretend we hadn't heard anything, but had to not make each other laugh - truly an impossibly feat.

At one of the last Christmas's we saw her, we sat down to eat and before the food was even at the table my Brother and I were grinning like idiots, waiting for the 'pfffft'. Somehow we went the whole meal and not a peep was heard from us or her buttocks. As we were clearing the dishes my Dad loudly belched to our laughter and my Grans disgust. She quickly tutted and said "well I never", before thunderously soiling herself right there and then.

I don't care what the Doctors say, I know it was embarrassment that killed her.
( moonjam, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:28, Reply)